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  • Need opinions regarding this situation

    :salams:

    I have heard of some marriages that have taken place this summer in the families of feiends etc. and how some were of a boyfriend and girlfriend then got married. I know such relationships are haram, and many also know at the very peast its a cuktural taboo. Now, in one case I know of, the girls side basically tried to cover up the fact it was a 'love marriage' i.e. Bf/gf to marriage situation, and pretended by claiming it was a sisters friends brother and then another distant rwlative basically knew somebody who's friends with the boyfriend and told them they'd been dating.

    I suppose what i'm trying to ask, is why are so many south asian parents etc. not standing up more sternly and objecting to any marriage taking place when it was clearly formed on a haram relationship?

    It perplexes me, and I suppose doubly annoys me when you hear said family trying to cover up such a situation, have been callibg other families daughters less than savoury names who were in a similar situation. It all sounds very full circle justice.
    Last edited by Constant Hope; 28-08-14, 11:49 PM.
    I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

    Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

  • #2
    Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

    Originally posted by Constant Hope View Post
    :salams:

    I have heard of some marriages that have taken place this summer in the families of feiends etc. and how some were of a boyfriend and girlfriend then got married. I know such relationships are haram, and many also know at the very peast its a cuktural taboo. Now, in one case I know of, the girls side basically tried to cover up the fact it was a 'love marriage' i.e. Bf/gf to marriage situation, and pretended by claiming it was a sisters friends brother and then another distant rwlative basically knew somebody who's friends with the boyfriend and told them they'd been dating.

    I suppose what i'm trying to ask, is why are so many south asian parents etc. not standing up more sternly and objecting to any marriage taking place when it was clearly formed on a haram relationship?

    It perplexes me, and I suppose doubly annoys me when you hear said family trying to cover up such a situation, have been callibg other families daughters less than savoury names who were in a similar situation. It all soynds very karma coming fukl circle.
    I think alot of parents take into consideration their child happiness and therefore do it that way.

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    • #3
      Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

      Preventing haram is better

      since they dont do that then why would u expect them to speak up

      im thrilled that they allow the marriage to go ahead, can u imagine having a hram relationship yet u cant marry the haram bf and u are forced to marry an innocent man and then ur still seeing ur BF behind his back

      if they let em marry then good, and if they are covering up its cos they are ashamed.

      Parents are stuck between a rock n hard place

      u bring ur children up in a haram country n then dont teach them islam but ALL U FEAR IS UR COMMUNITY AND THEIR ROLLING EYES?
      My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
      ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
      “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

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      • #4
        Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

        Originally posted by Fairy View Post
        Preventing haram is better

        since they dont do that then why would u expect them to speak up

        im thrilled that they allow the marriage to go ahead, can u imagine having a hram relationship yet u cant marry the haram bf and u are forced to marry an innocent man and then ur still seeing ur BF behind his back

        if they let em marry then good, and if they are covering up its cos they are ashamed.

        Parents are stuck between a rock n hard place

        u bring ur children up in a haram country n then dont teach them islam but ALL U FEAR IS UR COMMUNITY AND THEIR ROLLING EYES?
        you cant completely blame the parents. there are cases where the parents do their best to raise their children the right way but it backfires and the son or daughter go out and do haram things.
        "The duty of the man who investigates the writings of scientists, if learning the truth is his goal, is to make himself an enemy of all that he reads, and,.. attack it from every side. He should also suspect himself as he performs his critical examination of it, so that he may avoid falling into either prejudice or leniency."
        -Alhazen Ibn Al-Haythem

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        • #5
          Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

          This has always been the case. I know plenty of the same story when people call out other families, yet the same thing is happening in theirs or has happen unfortunately that is mentality of this world in general.

          As far as it goes as one brother said parents look at the happiness of their kids, so they'll allow it. Some may believe that when the community gets to know of this no one will want to marry their son/daughter hence get the BF/GF married. If people find out about it they'll talk, so they try to hide it to keep family honour people call for family honour, so you think they won't lie?

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          • #6
            Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

            :jkk: for the responses

            Yes, I figured some parents rationalise it by saying "Well it's better long terms this way" for the two individuals, but then it opens the doors for their children doing the same thing. Can you imagine 20 years later, having your own son/daughter show up with a gf/bf and then the fact you even tried religiously raising them is met with a "You forgot how you and dad married?!" response when you object.

            I'll be honest, if my son or daughter had this situation, theoretically I WILL put a stop, and not let it go any further. If I find that they breach my trust again, i'd kick them out of the house. They can go live with their aubties and uncles etc. until they see the error of their actions. I seriously would try my best to educate them thoroughly regarding marriage and staying away from haram relationships inshallah. So they don't do thisn
            I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

            Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

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            • #7
              Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

              how evil of that relative. some people can't help themselves.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

                it is very haram but sadly in todays society it has become the norm. many of my friends and family have had love marriages and their family openly tell us this, like its something to be proud of

                some even LIVED TOGETHER before marriage. how low we have sunk when it is actually celebrated that two Muslims have lived in sin!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

                  Originally posted by bismillaah View Post
                  how evil of that relative. some people can't help themselves.
                  Sorry, but could you elaborate. If you meant the distant relatives finding out via friends a marriage was based on haram, that's not evil. What's wrong was how people do these vile acts of haram relationships and then pretend for shame in the community, rather than have fear of Allah and have kept away. So when their pants are metaphorically pulled down for lying, they deserve it imo. Especially when they sully other people for having done the same thing. In fact, just be up front because you look worse for lying. If you don't want too lie, then don't say false things to people either.
                  I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                  Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

                    becauase some parents find it a good way of getting children married , dont ahve to worry about searching

                    - some coz they would prefer to prevent further sin

                    - some coz they have no choice
                    Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                    __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                    If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                    You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



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                    • #11
                      Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

                      Not even that! How else can you resolve the issue of infatuation except by then getting married?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

                        To put things as simple as possible they think that the end justifies the means.
                        And that as long as they are getting married then it's fine. Keep it hush but it's ok.

                        The unfortunate thing is this is becoming the norm for some people. Often times I get told that that is the only way to get married.
                        Not necessarily having a boyfriend, but 'getting to know someone' of course this should be done as secretively as possible. Your parents won't have to know until you've come to an agreement with your little accomplice in haraam and deception.

                        It's wrong and haraam, and Al hamdulilah I tell people my opinion on it and that is all I can do.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Need opinions regarding this situation

                          I don't understand WHAT people find so wrong with meeting a potential spouse in a proper manner. It's like they've been brainwashed and I hear the same arguement over and over that "You can't get to know somebody and fall in love" blah, blah, blah, BUT then how do they and others explain those couples who dated for years, married and its over in months. Its because a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is NOT the same as marriage.

                          I also think and i've mentioned this previously, that young western Muslims are going theough a real serious religious crisis and need better educating. Going to mosque and learning to read the Qu'ran is a good thing, but it doean't imbue ANYBODY qith Isoamic intellugence on how situations are dealth with. We need SERIOUS Islamic based education on HOW our Muslim brothers and sisters should live.

                          Alhamdulillah, I found this site and learnt lots and am still learning. I found that asking the eight questions and being aware of WHAT. Apotwntial spouse should have Islamically would prepare you far better than just some cultural guesswork in an awkward situation. Youngsters are unfortunately being brough up in a kuffar environment that's eroding Islamic values away and the 'end justifies the means'.

                          I'm sure two people could love each other and stay together if they started a haram relationship that led to marriage, BUT so do proper Islamic based processes where you evaluate proper compatibility. One is based on emotions, lust and infatuation and more likely to.fail, whilst one is able to foster objectivity, admiration, fondness and then once marriage is done, leads to a love that is true.

                          However, sad as it is to say, a LOT are ignorant and regardless of how much you try telling them, they'll continue doing their haram, adamant they're right. It's like banging your head against a door continously. Haram can never be right.
                          I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                          Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                          Comment

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