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  • Cheating husband..what do I do??

    Salam brothers and sister.

    I hope you guys will be able to advice me on my dilemma that I am currently facing. This is my first post on this forum. I am a mother of two children living with my husband. Both my husband and I have a very peaceful and happy life and love each other. He works and provides for us to the best of his ability. He prays and does the basic islamic day to day duties.

    Only problem is that he spends alot of time on the laptop, will hardly have any time for the kids or my self. Only a moan and nag brings him back down to family life but I have learnt to live with it, Some times we do get into heated arguments over the use of his laptop. He never takes me out or spend quality time with me. I have clearly stated many times about these issues and he has made many empty promises that he will try, but never did it happen. Few days the use of internet will calm down but slowly he goes back to it again and obviously well into late nights every night. I have tried to monitor the sites he visits but found them to be usual forums of sports and islamic discussion.I have told him many times that use of internet too much is not good and that he should learn quran or divert his attention with kids and house work.

    I love him very much and blindly trust and very committed to my married life with him. I am very simple never did I ask for any form of luxury or anything from him. My day are spent with my kids and housework, and the part time job that i have.

    Two night ago I was using the laptop and came across some very disturbing chats he was having with numerous women and with some he was very friendly. He has been sending and receiving explicit nude photos of him self!!! He told them that he was a single man and his wife left him! He even signed up on marriage sites to find these women. Some of these women were vulgar and were leading him on and complimenting on his crown jewel. He was having some very dirty explicit chats with them! He even sent photos that he took of me to these women to compare how my figure would compare with theirs!!

    I went crazy i when i found and wanted to throw him straight out of my house as he betrayed my trust and love that i have for him. I asked him to call his parents and they can decide on their sons behavior towards me and my children. He begged and apologized that it will never happen again...but i find it difficult to trust him again. Once a betrayer always betrayer. It happened once before few months ago he was whats apping some old female friend of his who he has never met. I only got suspicious when he put a pin code on his phone, and he made all promises that it wont happen again and he has not been with contact with that person but he is doing worse now. i just cant believe he betrayed me and never thought of our marriage or our kids. It took alot of my effort to get the marriage to last that long but he never respected that and has taken me for granted.

    I think he takes alot of advantage of my innocence as I always get angry and then let him off and forgive him (internet use). Although I know he will go back to his laptop use but never did I expect this kind of behavior. Never did I think he will be very x rated with women online. I am finding it very difficult to adjust and swallow this bitter pill that I am facing. May Allah show me the right direction but I genuinely think his family should know what is behind the mask. EVIL.He begs me not to tell anyone.:( Please advice brothers and sisters. Sorry for the long post but am so emotional and depressed. :(

  • #2
    Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

    That's disguting, why do people do things like this! Very sorry to read about this, sister. May Allah SWT make it easy for you. Having been through something similar, I don't want to share my views on here so check your PM, I'll write it on there iA.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

      :wswrwb:

      I don't where all these cheating people come from. I'm sorry to hear this.

      I'll PM the advice as well since I don't want to share the advice here. I think the others should too.
      [SIZE=4][COLOR="#FF0000"][FONT=Book Antiqua][CENTER][B][URL="http://www.ummah.com/forum/showthread.php?459504-Immensely-rewarding-dhikr!!!&highlight="]IMMENSELY REWARDING DHIKR!!![/URL][/B][/CENTER][/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]

      [FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR="#2F4F4F"][CENTER]Before you post, think..."Will this help me when I stand before Allah?" If it doesn't, then you're wasting time....[/CENTER][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

        if it was me i honestly dont know what i would do,my first reaction would be to divorce him as i would never trust him n it would destroy me inside BUT

        i would also have in my mind that marriage is going to have trials and tests and th shytan is always trying to ruin marriage ,also i would think of the rewards i would get for being patient for the sake of Allah and pray i get a better husband in Jannah,also having another man raise my kids or no dad at home would upset me so i would have to decided if i would be strong enough to work through it with patience, if i know i it will cause distress on whole family and would affect my kids more us being together i would leave him,but we all human n make mistakes yes adultry is a HUGE mistake ,but if you can for the sake of Allah maybe try and bring him back to the deen and remind him of death and the punishment of such filth ,only you can decied what you want to do sister ,dont feel weak if you decided to stay with him it makes you a strong lady trying to help your husabnd for sake of Allah something which most us women can not do

        i pray Allah guides you with your choice and i pray he repents and comes back to the straight path

        oh and get rid of the internet full stop
        Last edited by Revert08; 26-08-14, 01:58 PM.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

          so sad to hear this sister.

          may allah guide you to the right decision.

          few things
          - tell him to take the pincode of the phone. if he doesn't he doesn't need a phone. You buy him a pay and go, and he can use that
          - internet use. if he needs to use it, he can use it in your presence. if yoiu are asleep then he can make sure he is near you in bed using the laptop

          he is doing silly things so you treat him like a baby

          i would suggets you speak to an imam about this kind of behavious before you take it to the family

          if at any point yoiu decide on divorce, speak to an imam, involve the family and do istikhara

          have patience but not patience to the point where you are doing yourself injustice

          May allah strengthen your marriage and heal the rifts
          may allah grant your husband hidaya
          Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
          __________________________________________________ _____________________________
          If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

          You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



          please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

            Very sad. May Allah bless you. Ameen.

            :wswrwb:

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

              that is really sad to hear.. i cant belive men do that .. i mean bro u got a princess as ur wife .. why wud u rather mingle with some peasants?? i hope Allah makes it easier for u and i hope the problem becomes solved.. ameen... try to cry in front of him and ask him dont u love me nd stuff like that.. go proper bollywood drama.. cuz then his senses will return and he will realize his making a big mistake

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                Thank you everyone for your replies.

                These are some of the steps i have taken:

                Full control of the laptop. I only know the access password.
                No more smart phone


                Only deciding on if I should involve his parents about this so they know what their prince charming has been upto. I feel that they need to know the kind of negligence I have had to put up with and now the new filthy problem. He has begged me down to my feet for forgiveness and not to tell anyone. I am no weak women but i think cheat is a cheat he will find another way and next will be a deffo divorce. I really dont want to go through this again so I have to put a full stop right now.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                  Originally posted by Scared Soul View Post
                  Thank you everyone for your replies.

                  These are some of the steps i have taken:

                  Full control of the laptop. I only know the access password.
                  No more smart phone


                  Only deciding on if I should involve his parents about this so they know what their prince charming has been upto. I feel that they need to know the kind of negligence I have had to put up with and now the new filthy problem. He has begged me down to my feet for forgiveness and not to tell anyone. I am no weak women but i think cheat is a cheat he will find another way and next will be a deffo divorce. I really dont want to go through this again so I have to put a full stop right now.
                  i think you should not involve them Allah knows what hes done n how u feel ,them knowing wont really benefit marriage should be private unless you thinking of divorce then i think you can get parents involved from both sides

                  hope it works out sis

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                    Originally posted by Scared Soul View Post
                    Thank you everyone for your replies.

                    These are some of the steps i have taken:

                    Full control of the laptop. I only know the access password.
                    No more smart phone


                    Only deciding on if I should involve his parents about this so they know what their prince charming has been upto. I feel that they need to know the kind of negligence I have had to put up with and now the new filthy problem. He has begged me down to my feet for forgiveness and not to tell anyone. I am no weak women but i think cheat is a cheat he will find another way and next will be a deffo divorce. I really dont want to go through this again so I have to put a full stop right now.
                    Cutting off internet or smart phone are not reliable measures as he can find out ways to access internet away from home. Moreover measures such as this serve only to give a false feeling of having control over the situation but they cannot be sustained for long. Few months down the line, you will be pressured down to yield in.

                    What is more important from your husband is genuine repentance and change in behavior and he should take real measures to show his commitment towards his family

                    Credibility once lost is very tough to regain but he needs to know that he can build the lost confidence by working bit by bit and showing he really cares
                    Not knowing what one doesn't know will lead to difficulty

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                      Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
                      so sad to hear this sister.

                      may allah guide you to the right decision.

                      few things
                      - tell him to take the pincode of the phone. if he doesn't he doesn't need a phone. You buy him a pay and go, and he can use that
                      - internet use. if he needs to use it, he can use it in your presence. if yoiu are asleep then he can make sure he is near you in bed using the laptop

                      he is doing silly things so you treat him like a baby

                      i would suggets you speak to an imam about this kind of behavious before you take it to the family

                      if at any point yoiu decide on divorce, speak to an imam, involve the family and do istikhara

                      have patience but not patience to the point where you are doing yourself injustice

                      May allah strengthen your marriage and heal the rifts
                      may allah grant your husband hidaya
                      I would do this.

                      And if it happened again, I would involve his parents and my parents.
                      https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                        Originally posted by Scared Soul View Post
                        Thank you everyone for your replies.

                        These are some of the steps i have taken:

                        Full control of the laptop. I only know the access password.
                        No more smart phone


                        Only deciding on if I should involve his parents about this so they know what their prince charming has been upto. I feel that they need to know the kind of negligence I have had to put up with and now the new filthy problem. He has begged me down to my feet for forgiveness and not to tell anyone. I am no weak women but i think cheat is a cheat he will find another way and next will be a deffo divorce. I really dont want to go through this again so I have to put a full stop right now.

                        i dont think yiou should - not now

                        give hi the chance to improve

                        also - keep an eye on his timetable
                        call him at work occasionally

                        go vigilante on him.
                        he doesn' like it - tough S****

                        and also, as a side note. pls dont take compromising pictures of yoruself.
                        you dont know whose hands they might end up in. i feel its disgusting that he has shared those pictures with other women - astagh firullaha
                        Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Donít ruin your happiness with worry, and donít ruin your mind with pessimism. Donít ruin your success with deception and donít ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Donít ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                        __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                        If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesnít prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                        You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with duaías being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so donít ever underestimate any good deeds."



                        please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                          Originally posted by Muslima London View Post
                          few things
                          - tell him to take the pincode of the phone. if he doesn't he doesn't need a phone. You buy him a pay and go, and he can use that
                          - internet use. if he needs to use it, he can use it in your presence. if yoiu are asleep then he can make sure he is near you in bed using the laptop

                          he is doing silly things so you treat him like a baby
                          I don't suggest treating fully grown adults like kids, as if they are not capable of making a right decision. In fact, such measures cannot be sustained long term and he may feel the vindictiveness in such actions justify his future repetition of wrong behavior

                          We should only resort to a measure if we can sustain it long term. So I won't even suggest to cut off internet or smartphone as those are not the reason for his unreasonable behavior. He has himself to answer as to why he went to such sites and do the thing he did, no one forced him to do that.

                          One way you can proceed is to tell him that you will not be left with any alternative other than informing his parents and your parents about his behavior if he repeats the same.

                          I also would not suggest that you threaten him with divorce, if you are NOT going to act on your threat. You will only make yourself looking weak and indecisive, if you vow something and not act upon it.

                          You also need to tell him about how much it pains you seeing him do things behind your back and tell him that it is upon him to show that he won't repeat such things again.
                          Not knowing what one doesn't know will lead to difficulty

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Cheating husband..what do I do??

                            what would he do to you if it was you who did this?


                            i think maybe forgive him for this one but keep a very watchful eye on him from now on.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Cheating husband..what do I do??

                              MODS: regulate this thread so people dont give crappy advice
                              نحن قوما اعزنا الله بالإسلام فإن ابتغينا عزة بغيره أذلنا الله

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