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  • :-( Help me to convince myself..............

    to marry a student, my parents really want this but I'm just not happy with it!! If I had my way I'd delay it further

    (It's going to be a year since I have joined with my marriage problems)

    If I say yes it will mean that everything will get ready and I'll get married after Ramadan, the groom is not too fussed about my details or my looks, they just want a bride. Just when I thought my parents were not worried about my age anymore they are still getting stressed out about it, I knew it was too good to be true! They're concerned about me and my younger siblings because I'm holding everyone up. They just want me to be happy and not end up complaining about marriage later as I get older as it will get harder. I understand this, but do I have to get married to a student? I hate working and this will mean I'll have to work all my life. I know my parents will not force me, but I feel like I'm being selfish because they're getting old and I'm a burden for them.

    I would say yes, but I just DON'T want to be with him, I've explained in several posts before and my reasons. Since the beginning I have told everyone I will NEVER marry a student I have my reasons, I was considering someone with a citizenship brought up here.

    The pressure is on me, and I wish I could just say yes but it upsets me, being a girl is so hard, it's my age that's worrying them. I get really emotional, I know some people might say you might be happy with this person, but I just don't want to be with him.
    'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

    So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

  • #2
    Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

    oh yasin :(

    wish i could convince but this isnt about me is it - its about you and what you want, and NOT what your parents want

    perhaps you can just give him a chance
    see what he's about
    you never know. he might be everything yoiu want in a partner,and marrying a student doesn't mean you have to work for the rest of yoru life.
    if you help settele him the first few years in sha allah he will be settled enuf to support you the rest of the marriage

    seriously though. dont force yourself into anything for parents. i did and tbh, my parents more then anyone are feeling the guilt and now they are still worrying for me

    parents worry ok. face it
    whether your single, married, divorced, have kids, have no kids - the worry!!!

    but they woudl nto be any happier knowing that you are in a marriage where you are unhappy

    So
    a) give him a chance. meet him with an open mind
    b) take it from there

    If you have to say no, say it - dont worry about your parents. they will and shoudl understand. at least you gave it a chance huh
    Last edited by Muslima London; 01-06-14, 02:41 PM.
    Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
    __________________________________________________ _____________________________
    If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

    You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



    please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

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    • #3
      :-( Help me to convince myself..............

      :)
      Last edited by dizzyfish; 04-03-15, 12:52 AM.

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      • #4
        Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

        I think you've answered your own question tbh - your parents want this marriage to happen but also want you to be happy, so if you back out, they'll understand. I don't think its right to marry someone just to please your parents and that too, someone you're not compatible with.

        Doesn't sound like a path way to a happy marriage imo.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

          As Salaam Ulaikum Wr Wb Sister,

          Did you speak with the guy? I think it would be best to speak with him when a meeting is arranged by your parents and raise some of your concerns to him. This will help you understand his mindset and what he thinks about married life. Please make sure that its someone who follows the Deen to the best of his ability and everyone of us lacks in something so ignore minor stuff. Tell him that you do not want to work and he needs to tell you how he plans to earn and support you?

          For the time being you can tell your parents that you need more time and to arrange a meeting with him because you want to discuss a few things and get to know him better.

          In my personal experience most of the marriages worked fine because they both had a good understanding before the Nikah. Though financial stability came in after a few years and in the beginning the parents on both the sides helped them out for the first 2 years....

          May Allah make it easy for you and bless all of us with pious, loving and caring partners. Ameen

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          • #6
            Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

            O Allah help me!! I just have to cry about it so much, today is a very sad day for me

            Students don't talk, they just want the marriage contract and they just don't appeal to me. Since the beginning I have never been keen on it, but my parents have always wanted me to get married to an immigrant/student/work permit person to avoid the problems with in-laws.

            My mum has had a word with me and she has tried her best to make me understand, and I do understand but I just don't want him to be my husband. I always ask every potential about religion, but for some reason it doesn't work out, I don't know why.

            I really have tried my best to help my parents, I even searched for a husband online. I'm not desperate but my family act like they're desperate. How do I tell them that my age should not be the main reason. I know they want me to be happy. We all know I can't handle the gossip from other people it hurts me, and this is what they want to prevent, but people will always belittle me.

            Every time I think about it I burst into tears, but afterwards I feel guilty because I don't want my parents to think bad of me deep down because I have done nothing for them. I don't want to make it harder for them, and I just don't want to get married to him.

            I just don't know
            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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            • #7
              Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

              Originally posted by dizzyfish View Post
              Would you be happier alone all your life or married to him?
              My own answer has always been alone so far and so I am not married. Don't worry about age. I know the sunnah strongly recommends we get married, but if there's no one suitable living single is fine too inshaAllah.
              do you have siblings? How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

              I think it's because they think I will live alone as a woman
              'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

              So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                If two things of his are on point, he will make a good husband in sha allah. First, his deen, second his character. If you are pleased with these, take the next step and do istikhara. And dont cry pls :)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                  Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                  O Allah help me!! I just have to cry about it so much, today is a very sad day for me

                  Students don't talk, they just want the marriage contract and they just don't appeal to me. Since the beginning I have never been keen on it, but my parents have always wanted me to get married to an immigrant/student/work permit person to avoid the problems with in-laws.

                  My mum has had a word with me and she has tried her best to make me understand, and I do understand but I just don't want him to be my husband. I always ask every potential about religion, but for some reason it doesn't work out, I don't know why.

                  I really have tried my best to help my parents, I even searched for a husband online. I'm not desperate but my family act like they're desperate. How do I tell them that my age should not be the main reason. I know they want me to be happy. We all know I can't handle the gossip from other people it hurts me, and this is what they want to prevent, but people will always belittle me.

                  Every time I think about it I burst into tears, but afterwards I feel guilty because I don't want my parents to think bad of me deep down because I have done nothing for them. I don't want to make it harder for them, and I just don't want to get married to him.

                  I just don't know
                  :there: big hug sweetie

                  Have you tried discussing the whole indefinite leave and visa stuff with your parents. That costs a lot of money these days.....clarify who will finance that first.

                  Sister it shouldnt be like this at all.

                  When I think of getting married again insha'Allah at some point, I imagine being with a man who puts a smile on my face, a man, who'd id be honoured and delighted to be with insha'Allah and vice versa. And Im divorced

                  It shouldnt be like this at all. Please dont cry, its making me upset knowing you are like this, and for your sake, please please dont let anyone force you into anything.

                  Yes parents want whats best for you etc, but if your hearts not in it now, I doubt it ever will be...

                  Ask this guy about his Deen etc an meet him......

                  Btw dont let what people say get you down.....its what Allah thinks of you is whats important

                  Itss taken me years to get my parents to this kind of thinking but Alhumdollilah they understand.

                  Cry to Allah habibti :love: He knows, listens and responds. Always. Always.
                  Last edited by Jenicca; 01-06-14, 03:24 PM.
                  وَالْعَصْرِ

                  إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                  إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

                  "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

                  "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                  Khanqah Habibiyah

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                  • #10
                    Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                    Originally posted by Ya'sin View Post
                    O Allah help me!! I just have to cry about it so much, today is a very sad day for me

                    Students don't talk, they just want the marriage contract and they just don't appeal to me. Since the beginning I have never been keen on it, but my parents have always wanted me to get married to an immigrant/student/work permit person to avoid the problems with in-laws.

                    My mum has had a word with me and she has tried her best to make me understand, and I do understand but I just don't want him to be my husband. I always ask every potential about religion, but for some reason it doesn't work out, I don't know why.

                    I really have tried my best to help my parents, I even searched for a husband online. I'm not desperate but my family act like they're desperate. How do I tell them that my age should not be the main reason. I know they want me to be happy. We all know I can't handle the gossip from other people it hurts me, and this is what they want to prevent, but people will always belittle me.

                    Every time I think about it I burst into tears, but afterwards I feel guilty because I don't want my parents to think bad of me deep down because I have done nothing for them. I don't want to make it harder for them, and I just don't want to get married to him.

                    I just don't know
                    Sis... first of all there is no need to cry because nothing is going to change so get your head straight and face it like a brave muslimah :) Insha Allah

                    Have a glass of water and breath for a few minutes, close the marriage window and just think about life and what you wanna do about it. Once you are done - get hold of a paper and pen, write down what attracts you and what puts you off.... Tick the stuff which you see is a MUST and hand it over to your mom and say "This is what i want and i understand your concerns but please try to understand mine because at the end of the day it will be me who will be spending the rest of my life with that person"

                    If you don't feel comfortable marrying someone who is a student than just say it and close the chapter. It is something you need decide and it seems that you are confused about it. I don't think there is any issue marrying someone who is a student or a work permit holder - as far as someone is legally staying in a country. Again, we all have our own personal choices and there is nothing wrong with it... just share it with your parents and be polite to them because they are parents and the way they will think..... we as kids might never be able to think like that until we become one and face the same situation...

                    Do istikhara sis if you feel that you should give it a try and if it puts you off then its simple... just tell them and close this chapter....

                    May Allah make it easy for you and guide all of us towards the right path. Ameen

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                    • #11
                      :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                      Don't cry, don't marry him if you're not feeling it.. But if you want to try pray istikharah inshaAllah sis

                      *Hugs*
                      إقراء القران فإنه يأتي يوم القيامة شفيعا لأصحابه

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                      • #12
                        Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                        I've seen examples of this before. I have some idea what you are going through.

                        All I will say is that when you are about to burst into tears, don't just cry. Raise your hands and cry before your Allah. Tell him about the predicament that you find yourself in. He is, after all, our Master. Our Rabb. The one who we turn to in all happinesses and adversities. The only one who we fear. And the only one in whom we place our hopes. If we won't turn to him, who else have we got?

                        You will find that everyone else is selfish, only helping if it suits them. On the other hand, we transgress the laws of Allah, and 'oppress' Allah so much, and yet our Allah is so Forgiving and Merciful that the moment we turn back to Him, he is willing to accept as if we had done nothing wrong.

                        Ask Allah. He WILL provide a way out for you. A way out that satisfies you greatly, that satisfies your.parents greatly and that satisfies all those involved.

                        Pray the Salaatul Haajaat (Salaat prayed at the time of a need). There is a dua found in most masnoon dua books which should be prayed after praying the 2 rakaats after which dua should be made.

                        Let me know if you don't have access to the dua, and you want it. I will try and find a resource for you.
                        وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمۡ ءَامِنُواْ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلنَّاسُ قَالُوٓاْ أَنُؤۡمِنُ كَمَآ ءَامَنَ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ*ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّهُمۡ هُمُ ٱلسُّفَهَآءُ وَلَـٰكِن لَّا يَعۡلَمُونَ


                        And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: Shall we believe as the foolish believe? Beware! They indeed are the foolish? But they know not.
                        Al Baqarah : Verse 13

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                        • #13
                          Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                          cry.....let all out, go and punch a pillow if makes you feel better....!!

                          Is there anyone else that can speak to your parents on your behalf ukthi :love:
                          وَالْعَصْرِ

                          إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ

                          إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ

                          "If Allah (swt) only sent this Surah to us, for the guidance of Mankind, this will be enough for us” - Imam Shaafi'ee r.a.

                          "Yeh dunya daar e faani hain, Tum apna dil mat lagaon, Ganimat samaj zinadagee ki bahar, aana na hoga, yahaa baar baar......"

                          Khanqah Habibiyah

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                            I was just thinking about my younger siblings because my mum has mentioned this to me, what about them? they have a life too and I'm delaying everything but I can't help that. My parents want to get me married first THEN arrange something for the others, I have told them get them married before me, but they don't want me to put up with all the rubbish I'll get from people like 'why aren't you married' what's wrong with you?' and the rest of it. Because that is all I have to put up with people on my back upsetting me and telling me I'm not good enough for anyone and now I'm getting married to a student- when the truth is that it's nothing like that!

                            I just haven't had a lot of joy in this process, my parents misunderstand me, I think they think I'm being a rebel. I will try to tell them again, but I think it goes in one ear and goes out the other.

                            lol, the crying doesn't stop, I guess I'm pathetic. it's sad though, everyone around me is already married, I just wanted all this to stop and just carry on with my life as it is, and whatever happens Allah swt knows best. I'm not in a rush, the right time will come, but people around me are making me feel like I'm wasting my life away. I tried, I tried from the very beginning when everyone else forgot about me, and now I want to forget this topic because all it does is makes me feel sad, but everyone else is obsessed with it now, All I want to say is 'I told you so'. I am not as eager as before, because I know only Allah swt knows what is holding things up

                            how can I be with someone when it doesn't feel right?
                            'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                            So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: :-( Help me to convince myself..............

                              you're not being selfish at all - this is the MAIN thing that most women seek first when looking for a spouse - can he support me?

                              your family and his should know this already, they shouldn't be asking their student son to get married right now because, naturally, how is he supposed to support his wife.

                              this is your main problem right - this is what you need to discuss with your family so that they can tell him.

                              theres always a way around these things i find, everything has a loophole

                              maybe have the nikkah but agree not to live as husband and wife until he makes enough money to support you

                              this is something my own parents were telling me when i said i wanted to marry but didn't like the thought of leaving my parents home to live with his parents, they said 'you can work these things out'. arrange with him to continue staying at home after marriage and tell him you will only live as his wife when he has the means to support you, no matter how many years it takes. in the mean time you can live like boyfriend and girlfriend (but you won't be obviously, you will be married) and simply meet up and go out together. then when you are ready, settle down. if hes not ok with this try and convince him how much better it will be, this way you get to bond with each other slowly but steadily rather than rush straight into it.

                              at the end of the day though Ya'sin, you have every right to refuse. if hes not willing to meet you half way then you have the right to say No to the selfish sod.

                              if hes worth it then hopefully he'll agree to your terms

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