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  • #91
    Re: My parents won't let us be together..

    i feel sorry for the girl's father. God knows what i would have done to you if i were in his place

    Comment


    • #92
      Re: My parents won't let us be together..

      This thread got weird

      Originally posted by candyapple View Post
      The father of the girl, what's he supposed to do now he knows a man has used his daughter and now won't marry her?
      I think he should marry her. After repenting and seeking guidance from Allah
      Used his daughter? If his father is thinking like that he needs to stop.

      Comment


      • #93
        Re: My parents won't let us be together..

        lol, this brothers going to look on this thread with a whole 1.5 pages worth of stuff that didn't answer his question. I'd advise the brother to first of all think long and hard about this. I was 18 once, and desired to get married but only now at the age of 24 do I understand how folly the really was and that in hindsight, the marriage would've ended in divorce. Alhamdulillah I was saved from such issue and Allah removed me from that before we got to even do nikah in the brief engagement stage.

        Now, this obviously isn't what happens with everybody, as many of the brothers and sisters have pointed out. If a stable family is able to help provide a place for the husband to live then food, shelter and those issues are usually addressed helping to reduce financial costs. A part time job and the brother can then financially support his spouse.

        I know what they did was haram, but i'd also tell them both to now try doing things as halal as possible, and getting a job should be your first port of call brother on a part time basis and listen to your parents, because education can help you in life in helping you to get better job prospects as well as helping to mature you. Studying A level sociology really opened my eyes up to the world; and it felt like I was a lot more blinkered before that. Do loads, and loads of reading in this section from the sticky threads to get an idea of what you should be asking this girl before you even get married. You may have very strong feelings for somebody, but once you consider deen, character and then beauty, you may find she's beautiful, but in the long term she won't be the type of practicing muslimah you desire. So, do plenty of istikhara. I don't ever believe walking into a marriage blind is a good idea.

        Allah gave us free will to choose, which is why we should use our own heads to properly evaluate the situations and reduce 'risk' as much as possible, but in the end, some things after that truly are in Allah's hands because you don't know what the outcome will be. You can only hope you played your part fully in making sure you were satisfied in the pre-marital compatibility stage.
        I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

        Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

        Comment


        • #94
          Re: My parents won't let us be together..

          You know, I think there should be some kind of pre-marriage boot camp for people like this. So you wake for fajr, get ready for work, walk to work or catch a bus/train (in some cases a bus and train). Work a full days work, salaah in between ofcourse, come home to babies and children and hey why don't we set it up so that the baby is teething, also doesn't like to sleep much, you then have to fit in maghrib and isha ofcourse. Then your toddler decides he needs the toilet, then a drink of water, them he's cold, then he's hot. Then you have like a robot "wife" cos you know like no ghair mahram allowed on boot camp wife complain she has headache and hasn't been to the toilet the whole day so then she passes teething crying hysterical baby to you. Baby decides to do a poo and poo travels up to the back (whoopsy) now baby needs a bath.......

          We'll see how fast these young men want to go back to studies "blah blah."
          Oh and don't forget paying for water, electricity,rent,groceries, nappies all that ofcourse is sustained through "Luurrvvee"
          *~* Learn Patience from Aasiyah (RA); Loyalty from Khadhija (RA); Sincerity from Aisha (RA) and Steadfastness from Fatima (RA).*~*

          Comment


          • #95
            Re: My parents won't let us be together..

            Maulana Tariq Jameel says " Marriages of boys and girls who marry for "love" without the blessings of their parents are 100% unsuccessful . 100% ".

            Comment


            • #96
              Re: My parents won't let us be together..

              Originally posted by ~TwinklingStar~ View Post
              Maulana Tariq Jameel says " Marriages of boys and girls who marry for "love" without the blessings of their parents are 100% unsuccessful . 100% ".
              A person can say what they like and not to be disrepectful to the person you quote as he's probably very well known and respected, I mean to say there are exceptions so stating "100% unsuccessful" isn't accurate. A man doesn't need his parents permission if istikhara says to him go ahead, and his 'love' didn't compel him into haram, or at the very least he repented for his transgressions e.g I see a girl I do not know, and fall in 'love' so I approach her, but ask mainly to establish whether she's seeking to marry and get her wali's details. Technically, what I did was haram, but Allah is the one who forgives those who sincerely repent.

              I'm sure there are plenty of people who had 'love marriage' and became more practicing. I think we should all keep objectivity, that we all sin, but we can repent to Allah till we draw our last breath.
              I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

              Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

              Comment


              • #97
                Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                Originally posted by Ostranenie View Post
                This thread got weird

                Used his daughter? If his father is thinking like that he needs to stop.


                Put yourself in the fathers shoes; you walk in to find ur lil angel shacked up with some loser. Who probably was responsible for breaking her virginty. In asian culture its a big no no to have a woman not be a virgin before her first marriage (yes I'm aware of todays situation amongst muslims, eg: op )
                So now the father has the choice of giving his daughter to the bloke he caught her with to save face and to protect his family from humiliation because again in our culture people gossip and the entire family's rep goes down due to a silly mistake the daughter has made. (Yes, daughters esp.)
                So if he marries her off to that boy, he will save further humiliation as opposed to if the father caught his daughter in such a act and refuses to marry the girl of to that boy, and then marries her off to someone else- he has to risk being humilated by his daughters inlaws, cause they all would know that she was sleeping around before marraige. And no doubt the husband often wants a virgin wife, and no doubt will probably divorce her after a few days.

                What option will you choose? The world gossip about ur daughter's rep or keep it low key as possible?
                "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

                Comment


                • #98
                  Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                  Sister candyapple I think when he says 'caught' by the father, he probably was found out to be her boyfriend rather than through any intimate situation etc. although unfortunately that does happen. The reputation of the girl will only be tarnished if a lot more people outside the father, OP and daughter know and they spread that. The father would be well within his right to tell him to get lost with a beating. That said, the OP said her father wants to see his parents, but didn't actually say whether this was to arrange a marriage for them, or just get his parents to kick his head in too lol.

                  Also, it is improper to ask any potential if they're a virgin during the pre-marital stage as we're supposed to assume they're chaste, and asking them to reveal such a sin is bad for Allah has covered that sin and allowed them opportunity to repent, whereas if they did not know and exposed that to you; you unknowingly may then say that so and so's daughter isn't a virgin, and that opens up a can of worms. If I married a woman I thought to be chaste, but she didn't 'bleed' (i'm extremely sorry if the language appears crass, but I have no other way to express this point) like some people, you should still assume she was a virgin, because some females may not bleed for a variety of reasons. If the husband asked, and she revealed her prior indiscretion, I have a hard time believing many men would be able to deal with that and the marriage would likely be in jeopardy. Sometimes brothers, you're better of NOT knowing somebody's past, but just what they want from the future should be enough.

                  So, I stress the point, get married IF you can convince your parents you will get a part time job and do so, but also ask and talk with her father about potentially keeping living arrangements as they are until after studies etc. It is a wives right to live with her spouse, but she can also live with her parents as many do when they do a nikah and wait a year or so to do the wedding celebration. There are no hard and fast rules, just what you're willing to accommodate within the boundaries of Islam.

                  Inshallah all I have said is correct, and may Allah forgive me if it isn't and allow a brother or sister to correct me using qu'ran and hadith based evidence.
                  I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                  Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                    Originally posted by Constant Hope View Post
                    Sister candyapple I think when he says 'caught' by the father, he probably was found out to be her boyfriend rather than through any intimate situation etc. although unfortunately that does happen. The reputation of the girl will only be tarnished if a lot more people outside the father, OP and daughter know and they spread that. The father would be well within his right to tell him to get lost with a beating. That said, the OP said her father wants to see his parents, but didn't actually say whether this was to arrange a marriage for them, or just get his parents to kick his head in too lol.

                    Also, it is improper to ask any potential if they're a virgin during the pre-marital stage as we're supposed to assume they're chaste, and asking them to reveal such a sin is bad for Allah has covered that sin and allowed them opportunity to repent, whereas if they did not know and exposed that to you; you unknowingly may then say that so and so's daughter isn't a virgin, and that opens up a can of worms. If I married a woman I thought to be chaste, but she didn't 'bleed' (i'm extremely sorry if the language appears crass, but I have no other way to express this point) like some people, you should still assume she was a virgin, because some females may not bleed for a variety of reasons. If the husband asked, and she revealed her prior indiscretion, I have a hard time believing many men would be able to deal with that and the marriage would likely be in jeopardy. Sometimes brothers, you're better of NOT knowing somebody's past, but just what they want from the future should be enough.

                    So, I stress the point, get married IF you can convince your parents you will get a part time job and do so, but also ask and talk with her father about potentially keeping living arrangements as they are until after studies etc. It is a wives right to live with her spouse, but she can also live with her parents as many do when they do a nikah and wait a year or so to do the wedding celebration. There are no hard and fast rules, just what you're willing to accommodate within the boundaries of Islam.

                    Inshallah all I have said is correct, and may Allah forgive me if it isn't and allow a brother or sister to correct me using qu'ran and hadith based evidence.
                    I really appreciate your reply. Wise maashAllah :) and no your language about the virgin bit is completely fine. Some women bleed and some don't.
                    But, u can always know a virgin from a non virgin- and its nothing do to with the bleeding. Excuse my bluntness now please. With a virgin, it will be difficult to penetrate. Because its her first ever time. And that's how you know.
                    "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor."

                    "Nothing protects the rights of the minority like the tyranny of the majority"

                    Comment


                    • Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                      OP, leave the girl.
                      They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late

                      Comment


                      • Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                        Originally posted by candyapple View Post
                        Put yourself in the fathers shoes; you walk in to find ur lil angel shacked up with some loser. Who probably was responsible for breaking her virginty. In asian culture its a big no no to have a woman not be a virgin before her first marriage (yes I'm aware of todays situation amongst muslims, eg: op )
                        So now the father has the choice of giving his daughter to the bloke he caught her with to save face and to protect his family from humiliation because again in our culture people gossip and the entire family's rep goes down due to a silly mistake the daughter has made. (Yes, daughters esp.)
                        So if he marries her off to that boy, he will save further humiliation as opposed to if the father caught his daughter in such a act and refuses to marry the girl of to that boy, and then marries her off to someone else- he has to risk being humilated by his daughters inlaws, cause they all would know that she was sleeping around before marraige. And no doubt the husband often wants a virgin wife, and no doubt will probably divorce her after a few days.

                        What option will you choose? The world gossip about ur daughter's rep or keep it low key as possible?
                        Sorry for the late reply

                        What the...... (who runs this site and why do all the emoticons look like they're from 1999?)

                        I don't think he was talking about virginity...

                        Even if he did get caught that way why would a father want his daughter to marry such a man? Why does her rep come before her deen? Obviously these two aren't practicing, so the first thing he should do is protect and guide his daughter.

                        If you caught your daughter getting wasted with some man would you tell her to marry him so that no one finds out about what they did? What kind of logic is that?

                        This is why people should talk to people with knowledge instead of asking on a forum. Culture does not come before deen.

                        Comment


                        • Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                          Originally posted by Ostranenie View Post
                          Sorry for the late reply

                          What the...... (who runs this site and why do all the emoticons look like they're from 1999?)

                          I don't think he was talking about virginity...

                          Even if he did get caught that way why would a father want his daughter to marry such a man? Why does her rep come before her deen? Obviously these two aren't practicing, so the first thing he should do is protect and guide his daughter.

                          If you caught your daughter getting wasted with some man would you tell her to marry him so that no one finds out about what they did? What kind of logic is that?

                          This is why people should talk to people with knowledge instead of asking on a forum. Culture does not come before deen.
                          Interesting point. Certainly a thing to mull over, but some find the shame of a girlfriend/boyfriend more bearable when they both maintain a modicum of a practicing Muslim (unless they committed zina) than say drinking alcohol, eating haram etc. I'd actually give the guy the beating of his life, and then i'd tell him to get lost, and i'd seriously reprimand my daughter. I wouldn't want to hit her, because daughters are the apple of our eyes until they do such things, but it would be very hard for me not to hit her with a slap or two. I'd actually then blame myself for maybe not doing enough to raise her right.

                          In fact, i'd like to make sure my kids marry as young as possible. I'll be having my daughters Inshallah trained on their deen and what not as well as my sons and then when they reach 15-16 have them learn about their role as husbands and wives if not a few years earlier, so they mature mentally in what to do and expect. I think so many parents neglect critical Islamic education to make their children mature because it's 'shameful' thanks to stupid cultural ignorance. Parents don't even properly bother to ward their children off committing zina with a sit down and education on the subject. I'd have my son earn money as soon as possible, and save everything he earns into an account he can access at 18. Ideally when he can marry, and is prepared to balance things Inshallah.
                          I write novels for posts. Beware. :mujahida:

                          Ummah Forum seems pretty black and white. Was thinking of offering Skittles as Dawah to introduce a rainbow.

                          Comment


                          • Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                            I think u shud get married but b4 that u shud go to Islamic marraige counsellor ,, i think he will tell u how to deal properly in this situation ,, dont take suggestns from many pplz u will get confused jus do what i say ,, ALLAH SWT BLESS U

                            Comment


                            • Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                              This is always a difficult situation. In all honestly everyone is saying don't marry her and this isn't love but lust. Okay that's the whole problem isn't it? This is lust so if everyone tells them not to get married then maybe this leads to zina?

                              Should have listened to Allah and not free mixed now you are in a sticky situation
                              Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in the darkness

                              Comment


                              • Re: My parents won't let us be together..

                                Originally posted by Hassaneye View Post
                                As many of you know it's much harder to convince the girls side of the family about your marraige. But in this case no chance...

                                Recently I've been caught by my girlfriends father astaghfirullah I know it's wrong but he wants to see my parents.. I've told my parents that I am madly in love with this girl as we've been through a lot together and I know she's the one as she respects me like a wife respects her husband, anything I say goes, I adore life out of her...
                                I know it's wrong while being boyfriend and girlfriend an I've talked to my parents about nikah they said no you're too young etc as I'm 18 years old. I understand my age seem a bit daunting and immature but I am serious about this girl so much I want her to have jannat under her feet for my children... Were both serious about each other, her family are willing to accept me, mine aren't willing to accept her though as they think I'm young dumb and immature, but this girl has made me
                                CHange my ways so much as in reading namaaZ, not fighting, being very calm and patient...

                                Fellow brothers and sisters what do I do? I want to marry this girl but all my parents say is think about your studies bla bla, if my relationship was halal as in nikah wise It would
                                Motivate me more to study but my parents keep saying no... I wouldn't even mind getting engaged with her but my parents are too hard on my decisions...
                                Go and marry her man your a man not a small kid be assertive and marry the girl you love.

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