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  • Frustrated Marriage!!!

    Salaam.

    I have an embarassing and serious problem in my marriage. We have been married for almost 8 months now. I am almost 25 and my husband is 26. We had an arranged marriage and alhumdilillah my husband is a very religious and serious man. I love him a lot and I think he loves me too. But we still haven't consummated our marriage. And this is a problem I think.

    I didn't expect to consummate it on the first night. In fact, I would have liked to wait a few weeks to get to know him as its a very intimate and personal act between two people who should love each other first. But how come it has happened in 8 months is very strange to me and I think its not normal. But thats actually not even the real problem. My husband hardly ever shows any affection towards me. Does he not know that women need constant love and affection!? We rarely touch or hug, and we have never kissed. I should mention that he is a very shy and modest person by nature and thats what attracted me to him because I am the same way. He never had a girlfriend or did haram things before we married.

    About 6 months ago, I finally asked my husband about all this. He seemed embarassed and said that he feels uncomfortable with kissing. I was quite shocked because I thought men would want to do that. But the biggest shock was yet to come. When I asked about why we hadn't consummated the marriage yet he said he was very worried about me seeing him. I told him it was totally natural but he continued to avoid the issue.

    Finally this week we had our first argument. I started crying and asking him if he loved me. He said he did and I believe him but I asked him why he was being so distant. He finally admitted that he was very uncomfortable with physically touching me because he was not used to it and didn't want me to laugh at him. I told him why on earth would I do that since I love him. He said he was worried that I might laugh because he thought he was too small down there. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Who cares about that? I certainly don't. I assured him that those superficial things didn't matter. But he still feels very uncomfortable and we don't seem to be any closer to this situation than we were when we first got married.

    I really feel bad bringing this up from time to time but it not only makes me feel sad but I also want to experience the closeness and intimacy that can only come if the marriage is consummated. I thought men couldn't wait to jump on their wives on the wedding night and I was so afraid of telling him no for the first few weeks because I was uncomfortable. I never once imagined it would be the other way around.

    Does anyone have any advice?

  • #2
    Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

    Wassalam sister.
    Your husband is genuinely shy of himself and it is very inhibiting. It doesnt mean that because he had no 'experience before marriage' that he has this problem. This problem can be overcome but you will have to be very patient and understanding with him. You must use a lot of wisdom and love in that way he will open up abit and get relaxed. He needs to learn that what is required of him is normal so make together time fun time.
    If he is not ready yet dont force him to do anything that he is not comfortable with as yet. Wishing the best for you.
    “Mix with the noble people, you become one of them; and keep away from evil people so that you protect yourself from their evils.”


    Hadhrat Ali (Radiallahu anhu)

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    • #3
      Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

      I don't get it, are you yet to consumate or have consumated after 8 months?

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      • #4
        Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

        Originally posted by sadwife786 View Post
        Salaam.

        I have an embarassing and serious problem in my marriage. We have been married for almost 8 months now. I am almost 25 and my husband is 26. We had an arranged marriage and alhumdilillah my husband is a very religious and serious man. I love him a lot and I think he loves me too. But we still haven't consummated our marriage. And this is a problem I think.

        I didn't expect to consummate it on the first night. In fact, I would have liked to wait a few weeks to get to know him as its a very intimate and personal act between two people who should love each other first. But how come it has happened in 8 months is very strange to me and I think its not normal. But thats actually not even the real problem. My husband hardly ever shows any affection towards me. Does he not know that women need constant love and affection!? We rarely touch or hug, and we have never kissed. I should mention that he is a very shy and modest person by nature and thats what attracted me to him because I am the same way. He never had a girlfriend or did haram things before we married.

        About 6 months ago, I finally asked my husband about all this. He seemed embarassed and said that he feels uncomfortable with kissing. I was quite shocked because I thought men would want to do that. But the biggest shock was yet to come. When I asked about why we hadn't consummated the marriage yet he said he was very worried about me seeing him. I told him it was totally natural but he continued to avoid the issue.

        Finally this week we had our first argument. I started crying and asking him if he loved me. He said he did and I believe him but I asked him why he was being so distant. He finally admitted that he was very uncomfortable with physically touching me because he was not used to it and didn't want me to laugh at him. I told him why on earth would I do that since I love him. He said he was worried that I might laugh because he thought he was too small down there. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Who cares about that? I certainly don't. I assured him that those superficial things didn't matter. But he still feels very uncomfortable and we don't seem to be any closer to this situation than we were when we first got married.

        I really feel bad bringing this up from time to time but it not only makes me feel sad but I also want to experience the closeness and intimacy that can only come if the marriage is consummated. I thought men couldn't wait to jump on their wives on the wedding night and I was so afraid of telling him no for the first few weeks because I was uncomfortable. I never once imagined it would be the other way around.

        Does anyone have any advice?
        You have every right to be worried and in Islam it is the right of both husband and wife to looks after each others physical needs.
        Since he is religious i suggest you quote him verses in the Quran and hadith about the intimacy issues.8 months is a long time to wait and if that does not work i am afraid you will have to involve some member of a family who you both trust and look up to ( a guy of course ) so he can talk and see what the issue might be.
        In all this I applaud your patience. You have been very patient tbh.

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        • #5
          Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

          Originally posted by Sky Lark View Post
          Wassalam sister.
          Your husband is genuinely shy of himself and it is very inhibiting. It doesnt mean that because he had no 'experience before marriage' that he has this problem. This problem can be overcome but you will have to be very patient and understanding with him. You must use a lot of wisdom and love in that way he will open up abit and get relaxed. He needs to learn that what is required of him is normal so make together time fun time.
          If he is not ready yet dont force him to do anything that he is not comfortable with as yet. Wishing the best for you.
          asalaamu alaykum

          Really good advice Sky Lark. (thumbs up)


          Sister sadwife, you are doing a really good job by trying to make him comfortable about it.

          Your job will be to gradually make him confident about the whole issue, nobody else can do it. So consider this a fun challenge for you instead of something depressing. So tell stories to each other to make him feel comfortable, praise him and tell him what u like about him to make him feel more comfortable with u. Make good food for him, including meat (because that makes a man more manly and energetic). Tell him how u think he is manly and pleasing to you. This will boost his confidence and might encourage him. If he doesn't kiss for example, then why can't a wife do it first when he least expects?

          Don't say anything about his lack of self-confidence
          since that will discourage him more.

          You have the most control over this whole scenario. The wife is the most closest thing to her husband, so she can do whatever she wants to influence him. Make dua and try all these methods. Allah will make a way for u insha Allah.
          visit this free Muslim marriage agency thats only for practising Muslims! >> www.puremuslimmatch.com

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          • #6
            Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

            :salams

            Sis, its only natural that a shy person feels like this (more often with girls I thought though) Especially as your husband has not been in such a position before.. In some cases it can be over come easily but in some cases it can be difficult. For sure though this must be dealt with urgently for fear of tension building up and causing more issues within your marriage and sexual frustrations can lead to guilt for him feelings of resentment for you. Parts of your relationship which you are perfect now can be effected by this.

            The good thing is you spoke about it and both know what the issue is and he isn't doing what he is doing out of spitefulness.

            There, won't be an easy route to take. You have to start with connecting with your husband on an emotional level because if you don't even kiss or hug how would you expect to go the full mile. Once this is established then things will probably progress naturally.

            Important thing is you have patience which you have had so far anyways.

            May Allah SW m,ake it easy for you.
            Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

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            • #7
              Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

              Gee whiz, I guess girls do need it, after all. If I was married I wouldn't even wait for the food to be served to wedding guests, I'd take the wife home after sticking our heads in the door to just acknowledge the crowd. Don't like crowds staring at me anyways.

              Jokes aside, sister, just keep seducing him. Eventually he'll cave to pressure. How could he not?

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              • #8
                Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

                what if you finally do it and he really is tiny down there?? you need to fix that problem first, dont tell him you don't mind because you're basically agreeing with him.. if hes just shy just switch the lights off and switch the tv on..

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                • #9
                  Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

                  Put some secret herbs in his food. Things that will get him in the mood.

                  And stop by Victoria's Secret, get yourself a nice uknowwhat..
                  Brothers want like 4 wives, can't even handle like 5 prayers.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

                    :salams

                    make him realize that in islam, intimacy is not just a physical but also a spiritual experience. why? because you get good deeds for it. this might help overlook the issues he has.

                    i think if you take the first steps then he will be ok. if he is shy then you will need to initiate things. otherwise nothing will ever happen.

                    however, if after you take steps to encourage him, he still refuses then i am afraid that there is definitely a bigger, underlying issue which he is not talking about.
                    Last edited by عبد المنعم; 27-01-14, 09:52 PM.
                    70 scholars issued fatawas that Imam Ahmad b. Hanbal should be executed! That was the popular opinion back then, don't be fooled by popular opinion today! - Ahmad Musa jibreel


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                    • #11
                      Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

                      If he says it is because he is uncomfortable, it probably is because he is. Let him take very slow steps. He won't be able to run until he can walk.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Frustrated Marriage!!!

                        ^ I agree with citylights regarding food

                        also, if he is religious, doesn't he want children? that's one of the main reasons why people get married- it's very important! he should be aware of the religious aspects of marriage. I don't know about this issues as I'm not married, but your sad username made me sad :-(

                        once we were talking about this sort of problems before, get him to eat GARLIC!!!- no joke, some person on this very forum said it is supposed to help?? idk maybe some other less potent food (lol)

                        May Allah swt reward you for your patience and endurance and make it easier for you both! -Ameen :-) please smile sister :-D
                        'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                        So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

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