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  • Really sad...

    Wallahi, reading some of the threads and posts on this forum is really really REALLY sad... The various incidents people have gone through, whether a brother or a sister who is just merely trying to get married, or those who got married, or those that have been married for extended periods of time. It's really heart breaking...

    I have experienced trials myself getting married and throughout marriage, it is only natural, especially for couples when they are first new to each other. It takes time.

    The one thing I have learned from all my own experience and what I can relate to reading through the problems many are experiencing and I wanted to make a thread on this very subject is this... When you stray from Allah... you will be lost and you will be having problems even if things are made shiny to you.


    For the yet to be married:

    -For those struggling to get married, if you are looking for your spouse the wrong way, you will suffer. Look in the right place inshAllah with the right intentions. You reap what you sow. If you 'find your wife' in a club, chances are you will leave her or she will leave you there too.

    If your families are not looking at marriage from a perspective and priority of Islam but instead favour and prioritize it through the value of dunya, you will suffer and they will ultimately suffer even if they do not perceive it yet. For example brothers or sisters becoming corrupted as a result of not being allowed to marry early, and suffering along the way heavily. Muhammad (saw) said there will be great tribulations if a person of good character is refused. The examples are just so plenty of the problems that arise from this. So many are being denied marriage up until their 30s while the fitnah in the world today especially in the west starts from a very young age for most of us, this turning into ten to twenty years is something parents will be held accountable if they take this course of action

    For those that are just married:

    -Understand that no matter how much you love that person or have come to agree to marry this person, you are still two individual people. With time you will learn each other's habits, likes and dislikes. Don't try to shuv things down each other's throats. Even if it's matters of deen, trying to beat it into the person will not work. No one likes to be told do this, don't do that from a tyrant, whether a brother or a sister, it's unromantic to say the least even if you are right. Learn to use and apply wisdom combined with patience. Remember you are not perfect either. Call towards good in a beautiful way and call away from bad things in a smart way.

    -If you focus on your deen and akhira over all dunya aspects in your marriage you will have a healthier marriage in every ways despite the trials and tests you go through. Whatever those trials may be, if your focus and understanding is geared towards the akhira everything will be made beautiful even when it's most gloomy. InshAllah.

    -Marriage is a balancing act, an act of understanding and most importantly of communication. TRUST is fresh and clear in the beginning, you know what you know, but real trust and understanding is developed and reinforced over time. Just as easily as that it can also be broken over small things. Trust is precious. How do you build it and maintain it? Be open and honest about everything with your spouse, both ways. Communication and honesty are KEY elements of a healthy long lasting relationship.

    -Your husband or your wife are your bestest best friend, your soul mate, the one person that you should be able to open up to and talk about anything no matter what, without feeling embarrassment or rejection. Including saying stupid things, and if your spouse says a stupid thing, turn it to humor, not ridicule. Over time build upon things like that. You should be able to talk to each other about anything. If you don't have this, something is wrong and you should fix it if you want a healthy relationship. Neither spouse should ever have to 'hide' anything from the other.

    -You should never tell your husband's or wife's problems or weakness or secrets or problems to others no matter who they are. You are a trust to each other with each other. Some people out there will share everything about their spouses to others, this is stupid. How would you feel if your spouse was doing the same to you? Even if that person is your 'best friend' or 'buddy' you should absolutely keep your marriage to yourself and to yourself only. If there ARE real problems there are approaches to resolving problems, first and foremost through open and honest straight up (kind) communication with each other, then maybe a neutral family member, then maybe an imam who is not cultural and thus neutral and only with the intent of presenting things healthy through an islamic perspective.

    -A disagreement shouldn't turn into an argument. As a man you shouldn't want to silence or bite your wife's head off. Likewise as a wife, you shouldn't screech and get back at your husband either screaming out your lungs. Letting each other be heard is not screaming over each other it's communicating to each other. If there is a problem turn to what Islam says, not to what your ego says. Put that ego aside when trying to resolve issues.

    -Don't try to overpower each other if there is a fight, try to avoid fights as much as possible, try not to avoid problems, try to resolve problems.

    -When you look at your spouse's eyes you should feel love and contentment. If you don't there's something wrong so fix it. If it's physical talk about it, do not keep it in. If it's an intimacy issue discuss it openly don't hide it and bottle it up. If your spouse is a slob, lazy, fat, find a nice way to address it. If you are, address it don't let yourself go then wonder why your spouse is not 'seeing it' in you. Love is not lust, but the desire between spouses is totally normal and halal. You shouldn't have to 'desire' anyone else but your spouse. The fitnah in today's age is so great, but you should strive to always make yourself your best and strive to perfect yourself for your spouse. This goes for brothers too, make yourself smell nice, groomed, etc... don't be a lazy fat slob. Women may not be like us men who are more physically inclined but they have desires too. And sisters, if there are women out there who dress like you know what, and it's fitnah for all men, then in the privacy of your home take the effort inshAllah to surprise your husband in the privacy of your bedroom too. It will strengthen each other's bond and desires. If a woman looks like a monster at home but pampers herself going out (hijabi or not), it's unfair to the husband. But again, brothers, you're not off the hook either, smelling like poo, shirt on backwards, laying down like a slob, letting yourself go etc... lol, just as you'd expect your wife to be your super model, uuh.. take care of yourself. Most guys have this idea of their wives being all hot, but then they take no effort in taking care of themselves.

    -Do not ignore each other, remind each other and give each other good words. Seduce each other. Give caring words to each other, show concern for each other, show care for each other as two delicate beings for each other.

    -You should be the best advisor to each other in all situations and all problems. Anything you run into, talk to each other, I can't repeat enough times how important communication is. So many of these threads have one thing in common. Lack of Islam on one end or both, and lack of communication to the point people come on here to communicate their problems to others.


    -If one or the other weakens in deen or is weak in deen, advise each other and call each other to good, again like the first point, that does not mean shuvving it down the person's throat, it just does not work, but instead through kind and beautiful words. Beautiful examples. If your spouse is not praying, pray and let them see pray, let them see how you strive for the deen, they will feel guilty unless they really have an evil heart. Remember that if you focus on the black dot in one's heart, and only focus on that black dot, that's all the person will in arrogance think. If you focus on the good things of that person over time the whiteness of the heart will overpower those black dots. Emphasize the good in your spouse, strengthen the good in your spouse, remind them kindly of good things. If you are absolutely helpless in preventing something bad in your spouse show them that you hate it, make it evident but again in a wise way.

    Just some things that came to my mind reading these threads day to day... I know there are so many other things I'd like to mention but these are what popped in my head with some of the recent threads on here.


  • #2
    Re: Really sad...

    Originally posted by Ahmed2013 View Post
    Wallahi, reading some of the threads and posts on this forum is really really REALLY sad... The various incidents people have gone through, whether a brother or a sister who is just merely trying to get married, or those who got married, or those that have been married for extended periods of time. It's really heart breaking...

    I have experienced trials myself getting married and throughout marriage, it is only natural, especially for couples when they are first new to each other. It takes time.

    The one thing I have learned from all my own experience and what I can relate to reading through the problems many are experiencing and I wanted to make a thread on this very subject is this... When you stray from Allah... you will be lost and you will be having problems even if things are made shiny to you.


    For the yet to be married:

    -For those struggling to get married, if you are looking for your spouse the wrong way, you will suffer. Look in the right place inshAllah with the right intentions. You reap what you sow. If you 'find your wife' in a club, chances are you will leave her or she will leave you there too.

    If your families are not looking at marriage from a perspective and priority of Islam but instead favour and prioritize it through the value of dunya, you will suffer and they will ultimately suffer even if they do not perceive it yet. For example brothers or sisters becoming corrupted as a result of not being allowed to marry early, and suffering along the way heavily. Muhammad (saw) said there will be great tribulations if a person of good character is refused. The examples are just so plenty of the problems that arise from this. So many are being denied marriage up until their 30s while the fitnah in the world today especially in the west starts from a very young age for most of us, this turning into ten to twenty years is something parents will be held accountable if they take this course of action

    For those that are just married:

    -Understand that no matter how much you love that person or have come to agree to marry this person, you are still two individual people. With time you will learn each other's habits, likes and dislikes. Don't try to shuv things down each other's throats. Even if it's matters of deen, trying to beat it into the person will not work. No one likes to be told do this, don't do that from a tyrant, whether a brother or a sister, it's unromantic to say the least even if you are right. Learn to use and apply wisdom combined with patience. Remember you are not perfect either. Call towards good in a beautiful way and call away from bad things in a smart way.

    -If you focus on your deen and akhira over all dunya aspects in your marriage you will have a healthier marriage in every ways despite the trials and tests you go through. Whatever those trials may be, if your focus and understanding is geared towards the akhira everything will be made beautiful even when it's most gloomy. InshAllah.

    -Marriage is a balancing act, an act of understanding and most importantly of communication. TRUST is fresh and clear in the beginning, you know what you know, but real trust and understanding is developed and reinforced over time. Just as easily as that it can also be broken over small things. Trust is precious. How do you build it and maintain it? Be open and honest about everything with your spouse, both ways. Communication and honesty are KEY elements of a healthy long lasting relationship.

    -Your husband or your wife are your bestest best friend, your soul mate, the one person that you should be able to open up to and talk about anything no matter what, without feeling embarrassment or rejection. Including saying stupid things, and if your spouse says a stupid thing, turn it to humor, not ridicule. Over time build upon things like that. You should be able to talk to each other about anything. If you don't have this, something is wrong and you should fix it if you want a healthy relationship. Neither spouse should ever have to 'hide' anything from the other.

    -You should never tell your husband's or wife's problems or weakness or secrets or problems to others no matter who they are. You are a trust to each other with each other. Some people out there will share everything about their spouses to others, this is stupid. How would you feel if your spouse was doing the same to you? Even if that person is your 'best friend' or 'buddy' you should absolutely keep your marriage to yourself and to yourself only. If there ARE real problems there are approaches to resolving problems, first and foremost through open and honest straight up (kind) communication with each other, then maybe a neutral family member, then maybe an imam who is not cultural and thus neutral and only with the intent of presenting things healthy through an islamic perspective.

    -A disagreement shouldn't turn into an argument. As a man you shouldn't want to silence or bite your wife's head off. Likewise as a wife, you shouldn't screech and get back at your husband either screaming out your lungs. Letting each other be heard is not screaming over each other it's communicating to each other. If there is a problem turn to what Islam says, not to what your ego says. Put that ego aside when trying to resolve issues.

    -Don't try to overpower each other if there is a fight, try to avoid fights as much as possible, try not to avoid problems, try to resolve problems.

    -When you look at your spouse's eyes you should feel love and contentment. If you don't there's something wrong so fix it. If it's physical talk about it, do not keep it in. If it's an intimacy issue discuss it openly don't hide it and bottle it up. If your spouse is a slob, lazy, fat, find a nice way to address it. If you are, address it don't let yourself go then wonder why your spouse is not 'seeing it' in you. Love is not lust, but the desire between spouses is totally normal and halal. You shouldn't have to 'desire' anyone else but your spouse. The fitnah in today's age is so great, but you should strive to always make yourself your best and strive to perfect yourself for your spouse. This goes for brothers too, make yourself smell nice, groomed, etc... don't be a lazy fat slob. Women may not be like us men who are more physically inclined but they have desires too. And sisters, if there are women out there who dress like you know what, and it's fitnah for all men, then in the privacy of your home take the effort inshAllah to surprise your husband in the privacy of your bedroom too. It will strengthen each other's bond and desires. If a woman looks like a monster at home but pampers herself going out (hijabi or not), it's unfair to the husband. But again, brothers, you're not off the hook either, smelling like poo, shirt on backwards, laying down like a slob, letting yourself go etc... lol, just as you'd expect your wife to be your super model, uuh.. take care of yourself. Most guys have this idea of their wives being all hot, but then they take no effort in taking care of themselves.

    -Do not ignore each other, remind each other and give each other good words. Seduce each other. Give caring words to each other, show concern for each other, show care for each other as two delicate beings for each other.

    -You should be the best advisor to each other in all situations and all problems. Anything you run into, talk to each other, I can't repeat enough times how important communication is. So many of these threads have one thing in common. Lack of Islam on one end or both, and lack of communication to the point people come on here to communicate their problems to others.


    -If one or the other weakens in deen or is weak in deen, advise each other and call each other to good, again like the first point, that does not mean shuvving it down the person's throat, it just does not work, but instead through kind and beautiful words. Beautiful examples. If your spouse is not praying, pray and let them see pray, let them see how you strive for the deen, they will feel guilty unless they really have an evil heart. Remember that if you focus on the black dot in one's heart, and only focus on that black dot, that's all the person will in arrogance think. If you focus on the good things of that person over time the whiteness of the heart will overpower those black dots. Emphasize the good in your spouse, strengthen the good in your spouse, remind them kindly of good things. If you are absolutely helpless in preventing something bad in your spouse show them that you hate it, make it evident but again in a wise way.

    Just some things that came to my mind reading these threads day to day... I know there are so many other things I'd like to mention but these are what popped in my head with some of the recent threads on here.
    Personally speaking, as a guy looking, I don't know if the crazy list of silly demands come from the girl or her family or the family engrains it into their daughter while growing up, but marrying someone solely because of their profession and limiting it to only ONE profession is ridiculous. It's almost as if these girls families worry about the guy's profession more about his character, ya know?

    But brother Ahmed, I found your advice to be very helpful. It's as if you have already walked a thousand miles in my shoes before :up:

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Really sad...

      Nice thread bro. May Allah reward you for your time and effort that you put in, Ameen.
      Allah gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can listen more and talk less.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Really sad...

        Originally posted by Plumeria View Post
        Nice thread bro. May Allah reward you for your time and effort that you put in, Ameen.
        This

        __________________________________________________ _____________________________



        please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Really sad...

          Originally posted by Ahmed2013 View Post
          Wallahi, reading some of the threads and posts on this forum is really really REALLY sad... The various incidents people have gone through, whether a brother or a sister who is just merely trying to get married, or those who got married, or those that have been married for extended periods of time. It's really heart breaking...

          I have experienced trials myself getting married and throughout marriage, it is only natural, especially for couples when they are first new to each other. It takes time.

          The one thing I have learned from all my own experience and what I can relate to reading through the problems many are experiencing and I wanted to make a thread on this very subject is this... When you stray from Allah... you will be lost and you will be having problems even if things are made shiny to you.


          For the yet to be married:

          -For those struggling to get married, if you are looking for your spouse the wrong way, you will suffer. Look in the right place inshAllah with the right intentions. You reap what you sow. If you 'find your wife' in a club, chances are you will leave her or she will leave you there too.

          If your families are not looking at marriage from a perspective and priority of Islam but instead favour and prioritize it through the value of dunya, you will suffer and they will ultimately suffer even if they do not perceive it yet. For example brothers or sisters becoming corrupted as a result of not being allowed to marry early, and suffering along the way heavily. Muhammad (saw) said there will be great tribulations if a person of good character is refused. The examples are just so plenty of the problems that arise from this. So many are being denied marriage up until their 30s while the fitnah in the world today especially in the west starts from a very young age for most of us, this turning into ten to twenty years is something parents will be held accountable if they take this course of action

          For those that are just married:

          -Understand that no matter how much you love that person or have come to agree to marry this person, you are still two individual people. With time you will learn each other's habits, likes and dislikes. Don't try to shuv things down each other's throats. Even if it's matters of deen, trying to beat it into the person will not work. No one likes to be told do this, don't do that from a tyrant, whether a brother or a sister, it's unromantic to say the least even if you are right. Learn to use and apply wisdom combined with patience. Remember you are not perfect either. Call towards good in a beautiful way and call away from bad things in a smart way.

          -If you focus on your deen and akhira over all dunya aspects in your marriage you will have a healthier marriage in every ways despite the trials and tests you go through. Whatever those trials may be, if your focus and understanding is geared towards the akhira everything will be made beautiful even when it's most gloomy. InshAllah.

          -Marriage is a balancing act, an act of understanding and most importantly of communication. TRUST is fresh and clear in the beginning, you know what you know, but real trust and understanding is developed and reinforced over time. Just as easily as that it can also be broken over small things. Trust is precious. How do you build it and maintain it? Be open and honest about everything with your spouse, both ways. Communication and honesty are KEY elements of a healthy long lasting relationship.

          -Your husband or your wife are your bestest best friend, your soul mate, the one person that you should be able to open up to and talk about anything no matter what, without feeling embarrassment or rejection. Including saying stupid things, and if your spouse says a stupid thing, turn it to humor, not ridicule. Over time build upon things like that. You should be able to talk to each other about anything. If you don't have this, something is wrong and you should fix it if you want a healthy relationship. Neither spouse should ever have to 'hide' anything from the other.

          -You should never tell your husband's or wife's problems or weakness or secrets or problems to others no matter who they are. You are a trust to each other with each other. Some people out there will share everything about their spouses to others, this is stupid. How would you feel if your spouse was doing the same to you? Even if that person is your 'best friend' or 'buddy' you should absolutely keep your marriage to yourself and to yourself only. If there ARE real problems there are approaches to resolving problems, first and foremost through open and honest straight up (kind) communication with each other, then maybe a neutral family member, then maybe an imam who is not cultural and thus neutral and only with the intent of presenting things healthy through an islamic perspective.

          -A disagreement shouldn't turn into an argument. As a man you shouldn't want to silence or bite your wife's head off. Likewise as a wife, you shouldn't screech and get back at your husband either screaming out your lungs. Letting each other be heard is not screaming over each other it's communicating to each other. If there is a problem turn to what Islam says, not to what your ego says. Put that ego aside when trying to resolve issues.

          -Don't try to overpower each other if there is a fight, try to avoid fights as much as possible, try not to avoid problems, try to resolve problems.

          -When you look at your spouse's eyes you should feel love and contentment. If you don't there's something wrong so fix it. If it's physical talk about it, do not keep it in. If it's an intimacy issue discuss it openly don't hide it and bottle it up. If your spouse is a slob, lazy, fat, find a nice way to address it. If you are, address it don't let yourself go then wonder why your spouse is not 'seeing it' in you. Love is not lust, but the desire between spouses is totally normal and halal. You shouldn't have to 'desire' anyone else but your spouse. The fitnah in today's age is so great, but you should strive to always make yourself your best and strive to perfect yourself for your spouse. This goes for brothers too, make yourself smell nice, groomed, etc... don't be a lazy fat slob. Women may not be like us men who are more physically inclined but they have desires too. And sisters, if there are women out there who dress like you know what, and it's fitnah for all men, then in the privacy of your home take the effort inshAllah to surprise your husband in the privacy of your bedroom too. It will strengthen each other's bond and desires. If a woman looks like a monster at home but pampers herself going out (hijabi or not), it's unfair to the husband. But again, brothers, you're not off the hook either, smelling like poo, shirt on backwards, laying down like a slob, letting yourself go etc... lol, just as you'd expect your wife to be your super model, uuh.. take care of yourself. Most guys have this idea of their wives being all hot, but then they take no effort in taking care of themselves.

          -Do not ignore each other, remind each other and give each other good words. Seduce each other. Give caring words to each other, show concern for each other, show care for each other as two delicate beings for each other.

          -You should be the best advisor to each other in all situations and all problems. Anything you run into, talk to each other, I can't repeat enough times how important communication is. So many of these threads have one thing in common. Lack of Islam on one end or both, and lack of communication to the point people come on here to communicate their problems to others.


          -If one or the other weakens in deen or is weak in deen, advise each other and call each other to good, again like the first point, that does not mean shuvving it down the person's throat, it just does not work, but instead through kind and beautiful words. Beautiful examples. If your spouse is not praying, pray and let them see pray, let them see how you strive for the deen, they will feel guilty unless they really have an evil heart. Remember that if you focus on the black dot in one's heart, and only focus on that black dot, that's all the person will in arrogance think. If you focus on the good things of that person over time the whiteness of the heart will overpower those black dots. Emphasize the good in your spouse, strengthen the good in your spouse, remind them kindly of good things. If you are absolutely helpless in preventing something bad in your spouse show them that you hate it, make it evident but again in a wise way.

          Just some things that came to my mind reading these threads day to day... I know there are so many other things I'd like to mention but these are what popped in my head with some of the recent threads on here.

          You should write a book bro ... no joke ... good stuff
          How dare they challenge me with their primitive skills? They're just as good as dead

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Really sad...

            Also one more thing I've noticed in this section... single people giving marital advice. Seriously... get married first lol... and single people debating polygamy

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Really sad...

              ..
              Last edited by KOA; 23-12-13, 10:38 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Really sad...

                Originally posted by Ahmed2013 View Post
                Also one more thing I've noticed in this section... single people giving marital advice. Seriously... get married first lol... and single people debating polygamy
                Hey man , my marriage advise isn't too bad and I'm single! Probably because pretty much everyone I hang with is married :/
                "Why Do We Fill Our Hearts With Everything But Allah And Expect Not To Fall Apart"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Really sad...

                  Originally posted by Ahmed2013 View Post
                  Also one more thing I've noticed in this section... single people giving marital advice. Seriously... get married first lol... and single people debating polygamy

                  excuse you!

                  it's so tempting, can't help it lool
                  'Whatever it be wherein ye differ, the decision thereof is with Allah: such is Allah my Lord: In Him I trust, and to Him I turn.' The Holy Qu'ran Al Shura (Consultation)

                  So, which of the favours of your lord will you deny? ~ Surah Ar Rahman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Really sad...

                    This is what you call 'life'.
                    "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Really sad...

                      Jazak Allah brother Ahmed2013 for the thread.
                      I think I mentioned it on another thread that we never hear from any of the happily married people on the forum. They should let us know they're around! :)

                      I don't know about others but ever since I joined this forum hearing some of the single brothers' thoughts on marriage has made me feel a bit depressed. I've never been so exposed to the kinds of opinions that some of them hold. It was unsettling to say the least. I don't usually comment on those threads and I guess I should stop reading them too.

                      May Allah bless your marriage and give you and your wife a long and happy married life.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Really sad...


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Really sad...

                          I didnt think a person needs to get married to give advise as sometimes seeing those happily married and those arn't we can learn, if only we contemplate. Besides Quran has all solutions. I think the biggest problem of todays couple is that they watch either hollywood or bollywood and twist their mind. When it comes to their wife or husband they have no choice but to get dissapointed because they are constantly comparing their current state with the dream they had on marriage based on those movies. Most girls and guys go into marriage with unrealistic expectation based on what they have exposed themselves to and not on Quran and sunnah. May Allah make it easy for everyone.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Really sad...

                            Don't feel sorry for single Muslims. We don't need anyone's pity.
                            Just make dua.
                            "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Really sad...

                              Originally posted by Ahmed2013 View Post
                              Wallahi, reading some of the threads and posts on this forum is really really REALLY sad... The various incidents people have gone through, whether a brother or a sister who is just merely trying to get married, or those who got married, or those that have been married for extended periods of time. It's really heart breaking...

                              I have experienced trials myself getting married and throughout marriage, it is only natural, especially for couples when they are first new to each other. It takes time.

                              The one thing I have learned from all my own experience and what I can relate to reading through the problems many are experiencing and I wanted to make a thread on this very subject is this... When you stray from Allah... you will be lost and you will be having problems even if things are made shiny to you.


                              For the yet to be married:

                              -For those struggling to get married, if you are looking for your spouse the wrong way, you will suffer. Look in the right place inshAllah with the right intentions. You reap what you sow. If you 'find your wife' in a club, chances are you will leave her or she will leave you there too.

                              If your families are not looking at marriage from a perspective and priority of Islam but instead favour and prioritize it through the value of dunya, you will suffer and they will ultimately suffer even if they do not perceive it yet. For example brothers or sisters becoming corrupted as a result of not being allowed to marry early, and suffering along the way heavily. Muhammad (saw) said there will be great tribulations if a person of good character is refused. The examples are just so plenty of the problems that arise from this. So many are being denied marriage up until their 30s while the fitnah in the world today especially in the west starts from a very young age for most of us, this turning into ten to twenty years is something parents will be held accountable if they take this course of action

                              For those that are just married:

                              -Understand that no matter how much you love that person or have come to agree to marry this person, you are still two individual people. With time you will learn each other's habits, likes and dislikes. Don't try to shuv things down each other's throats. Even if it's matters of deen, trying to beat it into the person will not work. No one likes to be told do this, don't do that from a tyrant, whether a brother or a sister, it's unromantic to say the least even if you are right. Learn to use and apply wisdom combined with patience. Remember you are not perfect either. Call towards good in a beautiful way and call away from bad things in a smart way.

                              -If you focus on your deen and akhira over all dunya aspects in your marriage you will have a healthier marriage in every ways despite the trials and tests you go through. Whatever those trials may be, if your focus and understanding is geared towards the akhira everything will be made beautiful even when it's most gloomy. InshAllah.

                              -Marriage is a balancing act, an act of understanding and most importantly of communication. TRUST is fresh and clear in the beginning, you know what you know, but real trust and understanding is developed and reinforced over time. Just as easily as that it can also be broken over small things. Trust is precious. How do you build it and maintain it? Be open and honest about everything with your spouse, both ways. Communication and honesty are KEY elements of a healthy long lasting relationship.

                              -Your husband or your wife are your bestest best friend, your soul mate, the one person that you should be able to open up to and talk about anything no matter what, without feeling embarrassment or rejection. Including saying stupid things, and if your spouse says a stupid thing, turn it to humor, not ridicule. Over time build upon things like that. You should be able to talk to each other about anything. If you don't have this, something is wrong and you should fix it if you want a healthy relationship. Neither spouse should ever have to 'hide' anything from the other.

                              -You should never tell your husband's or wife's problems or weakness or secrets or problems to others no matter who they are. You are a trust to each other with each other. Some people out there will share everything about their spouses to others, this is stupid. How would you feel if your spouse was doing the same to you? Even if that person is your 'best friend' or 'buddy' you should absolutely keep your marriage to yourself and to yourself only. If there ARE real problems there are approaches to resolving problems, first and foremost through open and honest straight up (kind) communication with each other, then maybe a neutral family member, then maybe an imam who is not cultural and thus neutral and only with the intent of presenting things healthy through an islamic perspective.

                              -A disagreement shouldn't turn into an argument. As a man you shouldn't want to silence or bite your wife's head off. Likewise as a wife, you shouldn't screech and get back at your husband either screaming out your lungs. Letting each other be heard is not screaming over each other it's communicating to each other. If there is a problem turn to what Islam says, not to what your ego says. Put that ego aside when trying to resolve issues.

                              -Don't try to overpower each other if there is a fight, try to avoid fights as much as possible, try not to avoid problems, try to resolve problems.

                              -When you look at your spouse's eyes you should feel love and contentment. If you don't there's something wrong so fix it. If it's physical talk about it, do not keep it in. If it's an intimacy issue discuss it openly don't hide it and bottle it up. If your spouse is a slob, lazy, fat, find a nice way to address it. If you are, address it don't let yourself go then wonder why your spouse is not 'seeing it' in you. Love is not lust, but the desire between spouses is totally normal and halal. You shouldn't have to 'desire' anyone else but your spouse. The fitnah in today's age is so great, but you should strive to always make yourself your best and strive to perfect yourself for your spouse. This goes for brothers too, make yourself smell nice, groomed, etc... don't be a lazy fat slob. Women may not be like us men who are more physically inclined but they have desires too. And sisters, if there are women out there who dress like you know what, and it's fitnah for all men, then in the privacy of your home take the effort inshAllah to surprise your husband in the privacy of your bedroom too. It will strengthen each other's bond and desires. If a woman looks like a monster at home but pampers herself going out (hijabi or not), it's unfair to the husband. But again, brothers, you're not off the hook either, smelling like poo, shirt on backwards, laying down like a slob, letting yourself go etc... lol, just as you'd expect your wife to be your super model, uuh.. take care of yourself. Most guys have this idea of their wives being all hot, but then they take no effort in taking care of themselves.

                              -Do not ignore each other, remind each other and give each other good words. Seduce each other. Give caring words to each other, show concern for each other, show care for each other as two delicate beings for each other.

                              -You should be the best advisor to each other in all situations and all problems. Anything you run into, talk to each other, I can't repeat enough times how important communication is. So many of these threads have one thing in common. Lack of Islam on one end or both, and lack of communication to the point people come on here to communicate their problems to others.


                              -If one or the other weakens in deen or is weak in deen, advise each other and call each other to good, again like the first point, that does not mean shuvving it down the person's throat, it just does not work, but instead through kind and beautiful words. Beautiful examples. If your spouse is not praying, pray and let them see pray, let them see how you strive for the deen, they will feel guilty unless they really have an evil heart. Remember that if you focus on the black dot in one's heart, and only focus on that black dot, that's all the person will in arrogance think. If you focus on the good things of that person over time the whiteness of the heart will overpower those black dots. Emphasize the good in your spouse, strengthen the good in your spouse, remind them kindly of good things. If you are absolutely helpless in preventing something bad in your spouse show them that you hate it, make it evident but again in a wise way.

                              Just some things that came to my mind reading these threads day to day... I know there are so many other things I'd like to mention but these are what popped in my head with some of the recent threads on here.
                              Waht can do wehn i dont faund the brother who is HIV POSITIVE bcoz i m HIV POSITIVE but Alhamdulilah with good helth my ex husband infact me .how can help..

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