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Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

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    Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    My husband spent time in his home country to take care of his sick father for several months. I didn’t realize that while he’s away he get in touch with his ex-girlfriend of more than 20 years ago (my husband is 47 years old and his ex-also 47 years old and never get married).

    When he’s back to USA, I saw a lot of different in his behavior and manner, he’s different from before he left USA about a few months ago. He has more temper than before.

    Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words, after that I realised that there are a lot of phone calls/texting either from this girl or from my husband to her.

    When I brought this issue to him, he said that we have to love someone because of Allah, since this girl has never been married in her life so my husband wants to give happiness to this girl by marrying her, on top of that this girl can also taking care of his elder parents, because I have job in USA, hence I would not be able to spend time to take care of his parent in his hometown, not like her ex-lover who can always visit and take care of his parent since they live not far from each other. I called his mom, his mom said that this girl frequently comes to their house to visit his sick father and massage his feet.

    My iman is not strong enough to face the reality that my husband will marry a second wife. I was thinking of asking for a divorce before, but I spoke to my mom and my mom said “no, please think about your children and let Allah decides what is the best for my family”, she said.

    What I have done to deserve this? I never had any affairs with other man in my life (before and after I married him). This reality is very difficult to swallow. Why he did this to me?

    Islamicly is it permissible for a husband to marry a second wife because this woman doesn’t have a husband yet?
    What is the right/strongreason for polygamy?.
    Should a man just ignore his wife feeling .. that by marrying this girl he will break his wife and his children heart?

    Since this girl is not his wife yet, Islamicly, is it lawful for my husband to talk with her over the phone, is this haram or no?

    I am seeking for your Islamic advise,
    jazakumullah khairan.
    Last edited by rabiah; 28-10-13, 08:08 PM.

    #2
    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

    did u post this recently under a different user name ? we had the exact same thing last week and people did answer, insha Allah we can bump that thread there was a lot of good advices insha Allah
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet :saw: said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

      No this is the first time .. may be we have almost the same problem ..

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

        If he wants to do it, he will do it.

        Make sure you tell him your rights as a wife. can he care for both of you financially and give you equal time?

        Sorry to hear that, sucks when uve been married for 20 years and then he springs that he has someone on the side. How hurtful for you.

        No he should not ignore that u are hurt. Def need to talk it out. Maybe the leader of the mosque can talk you both through it?
        My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
        ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
        “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

          nvm
          Last edited by Rebel101; 28-10-13, 10:56 PM.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

            Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

              Originally posted by @ngela View Post
              Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz
              I love how patient you are!! Seriously, I would have walked out a long time ago. 3 years of husband chatting up a another women and doing haram. Heck no, not in my house. Men who do things like that make me so angry!! Where is the fear of Allah? Where is his ''Islam.'' Grrrrrrrrr May Allah bless you with Jannah ukhti, you are a rare gem to put up with that nonsense :love:

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                Originally posted by rabiah View Post
                My husband spent time in his home country to take care of his sick father for several months. I didn’t realize that while he’s away he get in touch with his ex-girlfriend of more than 20 years ago (my husband is 47 years old and his ex-also 47 years old and never get married).

                When he’s back to USA, I saw a lot of different in his behavior and manner, he’s different from before he left USA about a few months ago. He has more temper than before.

                Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words, after that I realised that there are a lot of phone calls/texting either from this girl or from my husband to her.

                When I brought this issue to him, he said that we have to love someone because of Allah, since this girl has never been married in her life so my husband wants to give happiness to this girl by marrying her, on top of that this girl can also taking care of his elder parents, because I have job in USA, hence I would not be able to spend time to take care of his parent in his hometown, not like her ex-lover who can always visit and take care of his parent since they live not far from each other. I called his mom, his mom said that this girl frequently comes to their house to visit his sick father and massage his feet.

                My iman is not strong enough to face the reality that my husband will marry a second wife. I was thinking of asking for a divorce before, but I spoke to my mom and my mom said “no, please think about your children and let Allah decides what is the best for my family”, she said.

                What I have done to deserve this? I never had any affairs with other man in my life (before and after I married him). This reality is very difficult to swallow. Why he did this to me?

                Islamicly is it permissible for a husband to marry a second wife because this woman doesn’t have a husband yet?
                What is the right/strongreason for polygamy?.
                Should a man just ignore his wife feeling .. that by marrying this girl he will break his wife and his children heart?

                Since this girl is not his wife yet, Islamicly, is it lawful for my husband to talk with her over the phone, is this haram or no?

                I am seeking for your Islamic advise,
                jazakumullah khairan.
                First of all nothing is right till the LORD decrees something as right and nothing is wrong till the LORD decrees something as wrong. Please take that into mind. Its time like these where I reflect on stories such as that of Yusuf and his patience. I modelise him, and other Muslims who faced difficulties and turned to their LORD. We have many people like that. Ayub , Asma bint Abu Bakr, Bilal ibn Rabah etc. When you ponder over their lives you begin to love and imitate them. And verily, the LORD is with the patient.

                First of all polygamy is permissible (and possibly recommended) if your husband can be just. His taking on another wife has nothing to do with your relationship to Allah .

                However two things:

                1. If you know he won't be fair then I wouldn't advise sticking around. And you yourself say he has more temper now that he has returned. This is a matter of concern.

                2. Also if it is a condition in your contract for him to not remarry then you must remind your husband that by violating the conditions of the contract he is committing a sin as violating oaths/promises are a major sin and on top of that the Prophet :saw: told us that the conditions which we have the most duty to fulfill are those on the marriage contract. (Note: In case its not a condition in your contract, I'd like to mention that this law also applies if the custom in your family is monogamy. Because in Islamic contract law we have a principle that "What is known by custom is the same as what is explicitly stated as a condition". So your family custom would become an implicit condition in the contract)

                If you do not fit into any of the categories above then you must be patient since this is your husband's right. If he fears falling into zina then you will be held accountable before the LORD if you stop him from marrying a second wife to keep away from the haram.
                Last edited by Repentant; 29-10-13, 04:50 AM.
                "You must convince your heart that whatever Allah has decreed is most appropriate and most beneficial for you." ~ Imam Al Ghazali.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                  Originally posted by @ngela View Post
                  Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz
                  Subhan'Allah sis.. if I had an ounce of your sabr - your reward is in the hereafter if Allah wills (in'sha'Allah)!
                  My Lord sanctify my flawed heart
                  As You have sanctified Your house,
                  Make my heart as protected and as honoured
                  In which permission of entry
                  Is only granted to a few,
                  Please Allah, allow my heart
                  To be preserved only for You.



                  ---


                  It hurts, to watch you leave so soon,
                  when I don't know, if I will ever see you again
                  In Jannah, we will meet :love:


                  If I have ever offended, hurt or insulted you, forgive me for the sake of Allah سبحانه وتعالى‎

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                    He's ****- he deserves her
                    She's not any better- she deserves him

                    You my sister, whatever you decide. May Allah bless you for your patience
                    Ibnul Qayyim رحمه الله said: "Don’t ruin your happiness with worry, and don’t ruin your mind with pessimism. Don’t ruin your success with deception and don’t ruin the optimism of others by destroying it. Don’t ruin your day by looking back at yesterday.
                    __________________________________________________ _____________________________
                    If you think about your situation, you will find that Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) has given you things without asking, so have trust in Allaah (سبحانه وتعالى) that He doesn’t prevent anything you want except there is goodness for you.

                    You could be sleeping and the doors of the heavens are being opened with dua’as being made on your behalf, SubhanAllaah: perhaps from someone poor whom you helped, or someone sad whom you brought joy, or someone passing by and you smiled at him, or someone in distress and you removed it.. so don’t ever underestimate any good deeds."



                    please donate to the Ummah forum sadaqa jariya project. Click on the link for for more information, and to make a donation- https://www.justgiving.com/sadaqah-jariyah-project/

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                      "Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words" that alone would have been the end of everything for me!


                      Originally posted by @ngela View Post
                      Sister, I feel your pain. You have no idea. The exact thing happened to me. I know how you hurt, how you feel betrayed. All I can say is pray to Allah, that is all I have done for the last three years begging Allah to bring an end to this affair, sending pictures back and forth, texting, calling all hours of the night. Well in May Allah did end it, they married. No matter what we pray for Allah know best. But if you need a shoulder, a friend please message me. Know dear sister you are not alone. I will pray for Allah to bring you peace. Jazakallah Karin, Allah Hafiz
                      the patience that you have is just so beautiful, I would never have been able to handle anything like that, like never! May Allah reward you for your actions amen.. :love:
                      Last edited by *sheba*; 29-10-13, 05:21 AM.
                      O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity~ Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                        Originally posted by rabiah View Post
                        My husband spent time in his home country to take care of his sick father for several months. I didn’t realize that while he’s away he get in touch with his ex-girlfriend of more than 20 years ago (my husband is 47 years old and his ex-also 47 years old and never get married).

                        When he’s back to USA, I saw a lot of different in his behavior and manner, he’s different from before he left USA about a few months ago. He has more temper than before.

                        Then one day I saw the text from his ex-girl friend with inappropriate words, after that I realised that there are a lot of phone calls/texting either from this girl or from my husband to her.

                        When I brought this issue to him, he said that we have to love someone because of Allah, since this girl has never been married in her life so my husband wants to give happiness to this girl by marrying her, on top of that this girl can also taking care of his elder parents, because I have job in USA, hence I would not be able to spend time to take care of his parent in his hometown, not like her ex-lover who can always visit and take care of his parent since they live not far from each other. I called his mom, his mom said that this girl frequently comes to their house to visit his sick father and massage his feet.

                        My iman is not strong enough to face the reality that my husband will marry a second wife. I was thinking of asking for a divorce before, but I spoke to my mom and my mom said “no, please think about your children and let Allah decides what is the best for my family”, she said.

                        What I have done to deserve this? I never had any affairs with other man in my life (before and after I married him). This reality is very difficult to swallow. Why he did this to me?

                        Islamicly is it permissible for a husband to marry a second wife because this woman doesn’t have a husband yet?
                        What is the right/strongreason for polygamy?.
                        Should a man just ignore his wife feeling .. that by marrying this girl he will break his wife and his children heart?

                        Since this girl is not his wife yet, Islamicly, is it lawful for my husband to talk with her over the phone, is this haram or no?

                        I am seeking for your Islamic advise,
                        jazakumullah khairan.
                        Ur in america. Not in pak. Know your rights. Tell him you will take his house, car and garnish his paycheck

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                          Nauzubillah min zaliq,
                          http://www.ilovepalestine.com/campai...imesinGaza.gif

                          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

                          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                            nvm
                            Last edited by *sheba*; 29-10-13, 11:59 AM.
                            O people who take pleasure in a life that will vanish, falling in love with a fading shadow is sheer stupidity~ Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Husband would like to marry his ex-lover of more than 20 years ago

                              May Allah rectify your affairs and give you more sabr. I can't give you advice because I am not yet married. Moreover, I was raised in a monogamous family. So I really cannot imagine if this happens to my family or me. It must be heartbreaking. Every woman must be wanting to be the only one for her husband. But who knows what polyginy can bring. May be then you might learn tolerance, may be you can get closer to Allah because your burden to take care of your husband is lessened, may be then you can feel more love of your husband. Wallahu Alam. It is not an easy decision, I amsure. Discuss your right and his obligation in details. And obviously he should stop sending texts and calling her before he marries her, because it is haraam.
                              ~ Don’t trade a house in Jannah :insha:, for a lowly house in this transient world ~

                              They want to extinguish the light of Allah with their mouths, but Allah will perfect His light, although the disbelievers dislike it (61 : 8)

                              Comment

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