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Morale Plateau

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  • Morale Plateau

    Assalaam O Alaikum

    Firstly, I would like to take this opportunity to say that this forum makes a great impact on the Muslim Community and I hope it continues to make valuable contribution in the lives of all Muslims. Ameen

    I have lost a fair bit of sleep and health over the past few months and I am at a stage where the issues surrounding my life are literally taking my life. Ever felt that even though you’re surrounded by so many and yet you feel so lonely? The decisions that one makes in his or her life can have such an impact in the future that it almost makes you wish that there should be a De Lorean (car from back to the future franchise) that could take you back in time. On a more serious note Allah has helped me cope in times which were good and bad and for that I am and will always be forever grateful. HE is indeed the most Gracious and Merciful.

    I was wondering if anyone (brothers and sisters) could kindly give me advice on an issue that has pushed me to a morale plateau.

    I was 27 when I married a girl of Christian faith. It was a reasonably happy marriage until the faith of our children was questioned by her family which eventually led to the breakdown of the marriage. I would mention that we did not have any children. I was married nearly a year and a half. Prior and during the marriage I was not a practicing Muslim which I believe was the main reason I could not convince her why my children were going to be Muslims. Understandably, I admitted defeat and separated. No divorce proceedings from either party yet as I am an immigrant who has visa dependency (irrelevant to this post). Since the separation my inner Muslim came to light and showed me the path of Islam. I am devoted to Allah now and since have been repenting my past actions. May Allah forgive me for all that I have done to upset HIM. Ameen.

    Just after two years of separation my parents decided that their going to take the matter in their own hands if they want to see grandchildren. I was engaged to a girl in Pakistan. I did not disclose any information of my previous marriage. Allah knows that I wanted to so many times however much to my demise I did not have the courage. I wanted to jump the gun for the time being and deliver this news in person when I see her the next time I go on holiday. I would also add that I did not love my fiancé’ per se however I have developed some feeling of affection for her.

    I have now been engaged over a year and a half and have recently discovered that my fiancé’ has been in a secret relationship with someone else for over 3 years, 1 year whilst engaged with me. Since the discovery, I questioned her actions and she dismissed me by saying I am accusing her. Nevertheless, I did find out everything in the end and she has since admitted to her deceit. Her parents disapprove of this man hence she has no option but to marry me. She said she accepts her fate with me regardless. I on the other hand felt quite cheated even though I am not a saint myself my ego got the better of me so I escalated the issue to her parents and surprisingly they knew everything and apologised and begged me for not calling the wedding off. The cultural and social society I come from has its implications when a wedding is called off and the repercussions of this would mean that this girl would find it very difficult to find a suit for her, not to forget all the misery of shame this would bring on to her family. I did not mention all this to my parents as they will kick a big fuss. I have only told them that me and my fiancé’ are having understanding issues. I would like to stress that her parents are wonderful people and they love me like their own.

    I don’t know what to do? Forgive her and marry her in the hope that we might develop love for the sake of her parents and to an extent mine? Forgive me for speaking in a 1960’s tone however I am a very sacrificing human being in all aspects of my life but this one has played a real number on me. Even though she deceived me and lied to me how can I so to say ‘’dump her’’ while I myself failed to disclose my past? I have been called many things in my life the least one I like is being called a hypocrite.

    I hope some one could give me their perspective on the matter as I am mentally exhausted, I take criticism well so please do not hold back.

    May Allah bless you All

    JazakAllah Khair
    Last edited by blindfaith7; 28-11-12, 08:32 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Morale Plateau

    I'm sure there is no shortage of women in pakistan for marriage, what makes this one so special? i dont thinks its any of your concern whether that girl can marry again if you reject her. culture always causes problems.
    Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

    -Quran (57:20)

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    • #3
      Re: Morale Plateau

      Appreciate your comment however the girl is the least significant element in this scenario. Its her parents constant begging that I cant take, then my mother thinking her sons going to die alone and finally the culture. No matter where you live in the entire world, sadly south east asian culture will continue to dominate our lives.

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      • #4
        Re: Morale Plateau

        Are you still planning on marrying her without disclosing your past marriage and children?
        https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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        • #5
          Re: Morale Plateau

          Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
          Are you still planning on marrying her without disclosing your past marriage and children?
          Thank you for your comment.

          My intention was to marry her after disclosing my past (face to face, I live in the UK and she in Pakistan) but before I could do this I found out that she has been in a secret relationship with someone else. I understand that she has the right to choose whoever she would like but keeping me in the dark was a bit insensitive but then again as I said, I in a similar fashion failed to disclose my previous marriage. I believe the key difference is whilst I was engaged to her my loyalty was with her as it turns out hers was not.
          My past marriage did not have any children.
          Last edited by blindfaith7; 28-11-12, 08:36 PM.

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          • #6
            Re: Morale Plateau

            The thing is you've repented, but is she still pining over this guy? thats no way to start a marriage. Unless she has really let go of her past and you both are willing to make a go of it.

            she has no option but to marry me. She said she accepts her fate with me regardless.
            she is stuck between a rock and a hard place!
            My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
            ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
            “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

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            • #7
              Re: Morale Plateau

              She cheated on you..I couldn't trust her again. And yet, if I was her, I couldn't trust you either, as you missed to tell her about your past.

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              • #8
                Re: Morale Plateau

                Indeed Alhamdulillah, I have repented and will continue to repent. I am not sure she is pinned over this guy, given the circumstances I believe she is as I have been labelled as her fate. Which in my opinion is a little insulting. So I am merely a compromise because she did/does not have a say in this marriage arrangement.
                See the way I look at it is I left my baggage behind and moved on now all she had to do is leave hers.

                I wouldn't trust me either. Shakespeare quotes that You should not trust a person who has broken faith.
                Sadly I believe in a way I have. Nevertheless, Allah all mighty only gives us (hardship) as much as we can handle and HE orders us to repent for HE is the most forgiving most Merciful.

                Thank you for you input. My question remains. Is it wise to shrug this under the carpet and move on (which I am finding extremely difficult) OR finish it off and not care about what her parents go through because of the actions of her daughter. Bearing in mind I feel I have no authority to displease her parents because I have betrayed them by not disclosing my previous marriage. Is this injustice? Will I be displeasing ALLAH if I say I do not want to marry this girl? Because to be honest I don't :(
                Last edited by blindfaith7; 28-11-12, 11:47 PM.

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                • #9
                  Re: Morale Plateau

                  ^ find out if she is in it for the long haul, I mean if she has cheated on you...what's to say she is not doing it right now?

                  Will you be able to trust her?

                  you know early in the marriage you'll fight and shes going to wish she was with him, and might even contact him

                  So it can work out but thats only because both of them are willing to make the marriage work.
                  My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
                  ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
                  “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Morale Plateau

                    Also pray istikhara prayer and Allah will guide you to what will be good for you in sha Allah
                    My ♥ only lets الله‎ in
                    ‘O Allah, forgive me, have mercy upon me, guide me, give me health and grant me sustenance.’
                    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Morale Plateau

                      Fairy (sister) comments well received. thank you.

                      I am going to have to sleep on it another night as I have to make a decision by Friday. It was a request made by her father.

                      Much Appreciated

                      JazakAllah Khair
                      Last edited by blindfaith7; 29-11-12, 12:59 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Morale Plateau

                        Yup..fairy is right..do istikhara...and if possible...forgive her.Just as your heart changed...so will be hers if you forgive her.We are humans...and humans are bound to sin..if she has repented then forgive.If not..then leave her.But yes i feel sorry for her parents.For her parents sake...for an elder couple's sake...do a wise decision.

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