Twice Bitten Once Shy !

[shahpesh]

Those people who carry a baggage from the past don't find it easy to share it with anyone , but at some point in life you become ready to leave all the baggage from past and give it a new start...

so here's is my story

When I was 24, I fell in love with a very pretty girl , we wanted to marry each other but our parents opposed that marriage. We tried hard to convince our parents but found no way so we eloped and got registered our marriage in court. We told our parents about court marriage , they became very angry but atlast agreed to this marriage reluctantly. Our families were not happy with this marriage but my father still supported me and let me rent a separate house in a posh area with his money but my wife was not happy with that rented house , she belonged to a landlord family , she wanted all those luxuries which she used to enjoy in her father’s home. I tried my best whatever I could to fulfill her wishes but she was not happy. One day we had a fight and she left home and sent her father with divorce papers , for my signature, after a few weeks. I talked to her, begged her , cried a lot but she was adamant to that decision. I reluctantly signed divorced papers but was so badly hurt that I couldn’t do anything for one year.
It was that incident in my life which turned me towards Allah swt. I did every thing to please my wife but she left me so I realized i got what I deserved because Allah swt has given me everything but I am doing nothing to please Him. I started praying regularly , I left running after latest fashions and bought a few very simple shalwaar kameez, grew a long beard and became a bit practicing. I asked my family to find me a practicing muslima , I really didn’t need anything else , all I wanted from her to be a house wife. I had my plans and perhaps Allah swt wanted to test my imaan again. Then whatever happened I already told you in another thread .
I didn’t want to tell anyone about me but I have no one else to ask what’s wrong with me or what should I do to make my life normal. I am 37 now and I have only been in married life for almost a year and a few months in last 2 marriages. My family is forcing me to marry again but when I think about my only 5 years old daughter who is living with my ex-wife I leave the idea of marriage or perhaps it’s because I am too afraid to think about marriage again.
In last few months I did try to find a woman for marriage from a muslim matrimonial website , when I wrote the truth about my last two marriages(not all my story) in my profile no one contacted me then I made another profile and just told about my second marriage , many girls contacted me even some never married women. I left that website idea because if someone cannot accept me being truthful then i can’t feel like marrying one. Today my sister told me that one of her acquaintance family have seen me and introduced her with a divorced girl. My sister has done istikhara twice for her and asked me to do istikhara myself. I have read many marriage threads on this forum and found out there is no fool-proof way to find out about a marriage prospect other than istikhara. I’ll definitely do it but before that I want to know why things are going wrong with me again and again. I have seen both extremes in married life , most of the time I blamed myself , but when my first wife got divorced in her second marriage she sent me an email telling me it was her biggest mistake to leave my house like that and ask for divorce then I thought perhaps not the first but in the second marriage I was wrong.
Anyways , I have decided to try my luck again but I am too afraid to say yes to anyone. What should I do ? Should I go for another try ? Should I remain like that and live my life for my one and only child who is not with me at the moment ? Should I do Istikhara and leave the rest on Allah swt ?

[Umm-Luqman]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

Mashallah Ahki am glad to hear that incident turned you to Allah. May Allah keep you firm upon His deen.

What happened has happened, Qadaru-Allah. there is nothing you can do about it now, expect to learn from it,

so inshallah put your trust in Allah and go for it again and pray your istikhara of course and see how you feel about the sister, And also make sure is someone who is practising her deen inshallah.

No one is perfect but ask Allah to grant you a pious wife that cools your eyes inshallah

May Allah make it easy for you.

[Nashmia]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

something like this happened to a guy who married a girl back home. she is very demanding.

do istikhara

[inprogress]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

Sorry to hear this brother. I think in order to trust again in these situations you need to really examine things from all sides and find your role in all this (even if it was not your fault) so that you can see where you might need to improve either in your selection process or the way you treated your wives so you can understand better for yourself why you married the wrong people and why they left. After you understand this, you can work to correct it then know you won't make the same mistake again.

[lighteningzz]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

Why not...Life doesnt end with a single tragedy.Ups and downs are parts of life.Without them how would you learn.Do istikhara...consecutively for 3 days....Any green signal...go for it.InshAllah..we ll pray for a happy marriage life of yours.As far as your daughter is concerned...If her mother (your ex-wife) is not married...then send her some money off and then...as she is your daughter...and visit...(but stay away from the mother ;))..Being 37 doesnt mean you shouldnt start a new family.Just say bismillah..hope for the best.I ve seen men of 50yrs....starting a family...(becoz of financial problems..they couldnt marry)..now they are happy.But brother ...dont look for piousness stuff...just look for a simple wife that could cook,make a family so on.Not necessarily piousness go parallel with a happy relation....

[sci]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

"Speaking about your sin and flaunting it openly in front of your friends is haraam, and is a major sin. It is one of the ways of spreading immorality among the Muslims, encouraging evil and tempting others to do similar things. It also means that one does not take sin seriously and regards it as insignificant, and that the sinner is damaging his own reputation and exposing his honour to the slander of others. Islam seeks to put people off from doing such things in the strongest possible terms, as in the following hadeeth:

Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “All of my ummah will be forgiven except those who sin openly. It is a part of sinning openly when a man does something at night, then the following morning when Allaah has concealed his sin, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when all night his Lord has concealed him and the next morning he uncovers what Allaah had concealed.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990).

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah preserve him) said: there is a third kind of immoral, rebellious, promiscuous person, who speaks in a boastful manner about zinaa (fornication, adultery) – we seek refuge with Allaah – and tells people that he travelled to such and such a country and committed immoral acts of zinaa with a number of women, and so on, and he shows off about that. Such people should be asked to repent, and if they do not they should be executed, because when a person boasts about zinaa, this implies that he thinks it is permissible – Allaah forbid – and the one who thinks that zinaa is halaal is a kaafir. (Sharh Riyaad al-Saaliheen, 1/116)."
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/3365

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/9562

[sims]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

"Speaking about your sin and flaunting it openly in front of your friends is haraam, and is a major sin. It is one of the ways of spreading immorality among the Muslims, encouraging evil and tempting others to do similar things. It also means that one does not take sin seriously and regards it as insignificant, and that the sinner is damaging his own reputation and exposing his honour to the slander of others. Islam seeks to put people off from doing such things in the strongest possible terms, as in the following hadeeth:

Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “All of my ummah will be forgiven except those who sin openly. It is a part of sinning openly when a man does something at night, then the following morning when Allaah has concealed his sin, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when all night his Lord has concealed him and the next morning he uncovers what Allaah had concealed.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990).

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah preserve him) said: there is a third kind of immoral, rebellious, promiscuous person, who speaks in a boastful manner about zinaa (fornication, adultery) – we seek refuge with Allaah – and tells people that he travelled to such and such a country and committed immoral acts of zinaa with a number of women, and so on, and he shows off about that. Such people should be asked to repent, and if they do not they should be executed, because when a person boasts about zinaa, this implies that he thinks it is permissible – Allaah forbid – and the one who thinks that zinaa is halaal is a kaafir. (Sharh Riyaad al-Saaliheen, 1/116)."
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/3365

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/9562

Good post, but I think the brother was looking for some advice regarding his situation that's all.

[shahpesh]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

...dont look for piousness stuff...just look for a simple wife that could cook,make a family so on.Not necessarily piousness go parallel with a happy relation....

This time i am going to tell her or her family clearly that i want her to be a complete house wife , cook for me and remain on the middle path while following religion. If a husband provides a separate house , good income, where a wife does not have to do anything financially for the family in any way at all , a husband reserves the right to demand these things i believe. I do send money every month and will always send my daughter everything she needs irrespective of the fact her mother chooses to get married again or not. I wanted my daughter to study in the best school of her city and offered all expenses but my ex wife got her admitted in a normal school. I asked her so many times to send me my daughter pictures but she never sent any after divorce. I have been sending her money ever since we got separated and divorced but she never tells me if she has received the money. I send my daughter dresses on every occassion and so much want to see her in those clothes but her mother does not reply anything at all related to my daughter. While married to me she harldy talked to me like a wife , after divorce she does not tell me anything about my daughter. When i was getting permanent residency here , i asked her to take my daughter for medicals for her PR , she didn't reply at all.

JazakAllah everyone for taking your time to read this and all your great advices.

[shahpesh]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

"Speaking about your sin and flaunting it openly in front of your friends is haraam, and is a major sin. It is one of the ways of spreading immorality among the Muslims, encouraging evil and tempting others to do similar things. It also means that one does not take sin seriously and regards it as insignificant, and that the sinner is damaging his own reputation and exposing his honour to the slander of others. Islam seeks to put people off from doing such things in the strongest possible terms, as in the following hadeeth:

Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “All of my ummah will be forgiven except those who sin openly. It is a part of sinning openly when a man does something at night, then the following morning when Allaah has concealed his sin, he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when all night his Lord has concealed him and the next morning he uncovers what Allaah had concealed.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990).

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah preserve him) said: there is a third kind of immoral, rebellious, promiscuous person, who speaks in a boastful manner about zinaa (fornication, adultery) – we seek refuge with Allaah – and tells people that he travelled to such and such a country and committed immoral acts of zinaa with a number of women, and so on, and he shows off about that. Such people should be asked to repent, and if they do not they should be executed, because when a person boasts about zinaa, this implies that he thinks it is permissible – Allaah forbid – and the one who thinks that zinaa is halaal is a kaafir. (Sharh Riyaad al-Saaliheen, 1/116)."
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/3365

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/9562

Brother , you better stick to your islamqa.info because real life is very difficult for you to understand !I remember when i posted my story anonymously , many brothers like you didn't believe it ! I did two marriages and they both were legal islamically , i didn't talk about any zina , fornication and other stuff and can't even think of boasting any minor sin, not to speak of major sins which your mind assumed by yourself in my post ! I know there are some muftis here who want people to write in proper English and professionally written paragraphs to believe a thing to be true but if a sister asks such a question , they do not doubt it but give her thread priority to reply ! I hope and pray you never get into the situation which i am in ! amen

[lighteningzz]

Re: Twice Bitten Once Shy !

This time i am going to tell her or her family clearly that i want her to be a complete house wife , cook for me and remain on the middle path while following religion. If a husband provides a separate house , good income, where a wife does not have to do anything financially for the family in any way at all , a husband reserves the right to demand these things i believe. I do send money every month and will always send my daughter everything she needs irrespective of the fact her mother chooses to get married again or not. I wanted my daughter to study in the best school of her city and offered all expenses but my ex wife got her admitted in a normal school. I asked her so many times to send me my daughter pictures but she never sent any after divorce. I have been sending her money ever since we got separated and divorced but she never tells me if she has received the money. I send my daughter dresses on every occassion and so much want to see her in those clothes but her mother does not reply anything at all related to my daughter. While married to me she harldy talked to me like a wife , after divorce she does not tell me anything about my daughter. When i was getting permanent residency here , i asked her to take my daughter for medicals for her PR , she didn't reply at all.

JazakAllah everyone for taking your time to read this and all your great advices.

Well..its nice to hear that you havent forgotten your duties as a good father.Dont worry about your ex_wife not responding..Allah ll give you ajar...But you can meet your daughter in school or so...Yup do clear this thing to the family you ll marry that you want a house wife.Dont forget to do istikhara...the best guidance of all.InshAllah that day is not far when we lll about your happy marriage life.Try to expect less...you ll get the best...inshAllah :).