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Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

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  • Amina777
    started a topic Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Salam alaikum,

    I have a question. Please take it serious and don't laugh at me, because I do not know where I can ask and I really please you to give me some serious opinion. I am married and I really try to be a good muslim woman. But sometimes it is very hard for me to accept what my husband says to me. He is very nice and gentle, but I sadly tend to be contrary and I don't like it, when somebody told me what to do, although the person is in right. My husband is often mad at me for disobeying him and always be a bit to disrespectfull ( my temper is often very high and my tongue is to fast). But thats it. He admonish me and I pray a lot and I try to improve my behaviour, but it is hard for me. I fear that my husband, who is very patient with me, one day lose his patient with me and ask for a divorce.

    So I was searching a lot in the Internet to get some tipps (because I do not want it like that anymore, I really want more harmony in my marriage, and my husband isn't the problem, it is me an my dislike to be "obedience"). I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc.

    I know, that it is allowed that a man can punish (not beating or hitting) his wife at last method. But what does it means exactly? Can a husband (who is gentle and loving to his wife (I don't mean any brutal things and no harming etc.please understand it right)) after admonishing her, discipline her? I want to ask my husband if he would do so, I guess it can help, but I do not want that he became a worser muslim (because I read, that the best man is the man who is the best to his wife). My husband is very, very nice to me (I guess sometimes to nice), but I am not always so nice. So when I ask him myself to be more serious to me and to stop and discipline me, when my temper is going mad, he is doing something good and not against Islam, or? He would help me and our marriage, because he would stop me, before I will get angry and nasty and he would help me to be more obendient to him. So he would still be the "best man to his wife"? I really guess, more discipline would help me, but I do not want him to be a worser husband ahead of Allah (but Allah had allowed it to a man to discipline a wife).

    Ok, its maybe a bit confuse, but I hope, you understand what I mean and can give me some opinion (and to be clear, I am not talking about hitting or beating or something like that).

    Thanks

  • HmInh
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    This is a secular, westernized view about personal space. That, inshaAllah, will dissappear with time. Marriage in Islam is not like marriage in western countries. We are forbidden from touching anyone, ever, unless married. When married, there is no "permission", because the permission is the marriage itself; it's an agreement between both parties that includes full physical freedom. In Islam, He's not breaking any laws if he touches you (regardless of your mood), as long as he doesn't hurt you. If he keeps following you around poking you in the eyeball, that's another story.
    Hmm... maybe it is a bit secular/Western, but I don't necessarily think that it's a bad thing. It doesn't necessarily go against any Islamic values to say that if I tell my husband I don't want to be touched at the current moment, he shouldn't touch me, is it?

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    This is a secular, westernized view about personal space. That, inshaAllah, will dissappear with time. Marriage in Islam is not like marriage in western countries. We are forbidden from touching anyone, ever, unless married. When married, there is no "permission", because the permission is the marriage itself; it's an agreement between both parties that includes full physical freedom. In Islam, He's not breaking any laws if he touches you (regardless of your mood), as long as he doesn't hurt you. If he keeps following you around poking you in the eyeball, that's another story.
    I think what you are referring to Islamically is the type of touching that will lead one to satisfy their desires, which is not what we are discussing in this situation. We are talking about someone touching another to try to make them feel better when indeed at that moment it would not make them feel better, maybe worse. So what's the wisdom in doing that?

    Leave a comment:


  • |Sister|
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by HmInh View Post
    Mostly, but I think the issue is just about consent. For me, it just goes back to the fundamental issue of "only touch me if I give you the permission". Also, I've noticed that when people are upset they will put themselves physically far away to avoid being touched, so to go against that would be rude (in my opinion).
    Even my parents know that I'm a very cuddly person, but when I don't want to be touched it's serious.

    To each their own! :D
    This is a secular, westernized view about personal space. That, inshaAllah, will dissappear with time. Marriage in Islam is not like marriage in western countries. We are forbidden from touching anyone, ever, unless married. When married, there is no "permission", because the permission is the marriage itself; it's an agreement between both parties that includes full physical freedom. In Islam, He's not breaking any laws if he touches you (regardless of your mood), as long as he doesn't hurt you. If he keeps following you around poking you in the eyeball, that's another story.

    Leave a comment:


  • HmInh
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by |Sister| View Post
    Doing this when a man is trying to comfort you will hurt his pride and mostly likely would prevent him from wanting to cheer you up in the future. It would definitely make the problem/anger last longer.
    Mostly, but I think the issue is just about consent. For me, it just goes back to the fundamental issue of "only touch me if I give you the permission". Also, I've noticed that when people are upset they will put themselves physically far away to avoid being touched, so to go against that would be rude (in my opinion).
    Even my parents know that I'm a very cuddly person, but when I don't want to be touched it's serious.

    To each their own! :D

    Leave a comment:


  • nousername
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    smh, another one hit wonder troll it seems like.

    Leave a comment:


  • cho09082489
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    These words. Naughty. Discipline. Sounds more like parent and child.

    Leave a comment:


  • cooldog
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    Ok bro, lets call a truce here. You are right nobody needs to make assumptions about anyone. I won't make them about you, you don't make them about me, and we won't make them about the OP and her husband. BTW, I was not assuming anything about the OP's husband, just asking some questions to clarify the situation. It could be she is perceiving things different then how they really are, or it could be accurate that she is very naughty and her husband is an angel. We don't know unless we ask her why she feels this way. Maybe you are taking everything she says at face value and I am reading into them more. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong. The OP is the one who knows, not us. I'm just trying to help her think about what's going on.
    Hence the spanking :p

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by cooldog View Post
    Where did u get that from ? She stated explicitly that she has a temper and she is disrespectful toward her husband.She wants to be put in line because she cannot control herself on her own.

    I never said this situation was normal, if u need someone to spank u, then u have childhood issues, so lets blame the husband coz his wifes a mess.He is amazing to even put up with her.

    I dont see the wife as bad.But she is the one asking the question here, she is the one telling us that she has been bad, and she is the one telling us that her husband is a kind man.And apparently you know better about her and her husband.

    You see Im not perceiving anything, which is the whole point of this.She says she has been disobedient.I believe her.

    Carry on with your assumptions.
    Ok bro, lets call a truce here. You are right nobody needs to make assumptions about anyone. I won't make them about you, you don't make them about me, and we won't make them about the OP and her husband. BTW, I was not assuming anything about the OP's husband, just asking some questions to clarify the situation. It could be she is perceiving things different then how they really are, or it could be accurate that she is very naughty and her husband is an angel. We don't know unless we ask her why she feels this way. Maybe you are taking everything she says at face value and I am reading into them more. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong. The OP is the one who knows, not us. I'm just trying to help her think about what's going on.

    Leave a comment:


  • cho09082489
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Whole situation sounds fishy. Whats wrong with him that he is always mad? Surely you're not being horrible to him always?

    Leave a comment:


  • cooldog
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    JazakAllah khair!

    Do you think it is normal for a husband to always be mad at his wife and admonish her for being disobedient when obvious she is not so disobedient since she wants so very badly to please and be put in line by him? Does she sound like a disobedient wife to you? Does this situation look normal to you? There is obviously some messed up things happening on both sides. It's not just my experience with one person, it is also many other people's experiences and education that shape my point of view. I am not sure what kind of experience or education you have about this stuff beside perhaps watching your parents, but all you see is that the husband is good and wife bad. You are just the opposite of how you perceive me to be, not better.

    Where did u get that from ? She stated explicitly that she has a temper and she is disrespectful toward her husband.She wants to be put in line because she cannot control herself on her own.

    I never said this situation was normal, if u need someone to spank u, then u have childhood issues, so lets blame the husband coz his wifes a mess.He is amazing to even put up with her.

    I dont see the wife as bad.But she is the one asking the question here, she is the one telling us that she has been bad, and she is the one telling us that her husband is a kind man.And apparently you know better about her and her husband.

    You see Im not perceiving anything, which is the whole point of this.She says she has been disobedient.I believe her.

    Carry on with your assumptions.

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by cooldog View Post
    This is exactly what I was talking about when I said u see only what u want to see.You base everything on your single experience with a man, and you start predicting these subtle patterns.Not everyone is like your husband.

    Anyway, you always tend to do this, Im not going to bother correcting you anymore
    .
    JazakAllah khair!

    Do you think it is normal for a husband to always be mad at his wife and admonish her for being disobedient when obvious she is not so disobedient since she wants so very badly to please and be put in line by him? Does she sound like a disobedient wife to you? Does this situation look normal to you? There is obviously some messed up things happening on both sides. It's not just my experience with one person, it is also many other people's experiences and education that shape my point of view. I am not sure what kind of experience or education you have about this stuff beside perhaps watching your parents, but all you see is that the husband is good and wife bad. You are just the opposite of how you perceive me to be, not better.
    Last edited by inprogress; 22-11-12, 08:45 PM.

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  • Umm-Aaliyah
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    I think its a bit weird.. its more like a parent disciplining a child but with a sexual twist.
    I think its quite demoralizing as well.
    I don't know i think you can be more accountable for you actions, no?

    Leave a comment:


  • cooldog
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    I am not saying is definitely this or that, we don't know, but what I said is to ask some questions about what is really going on. Like, why is he always mad at her? What is he admonishing her about? How is she disobeying him? I don't think that is unreasonable to ask that. If she really is doing something wrong and disobeying him and he is commanding her the good, then her answering the questions would probably lead to the conclusion that her husband is right.

    Am I projecting my experiences? Perhaps I am or perhaps because of my experiences I notice these subtle patterns of behavior. I can tell you it is true, I actually used to feel very similar to the OP. I used to feel I was just a terrible wife, everything is my fault, and I could probably never be a good wife to anyone. My husband always told me I was disobeying him, but I wasn't. For a while I actually thought the problem was completely mine until I realized what was really going on. This is not uncommon among women who's husband try to make them feel this way so they are completely dependent on them. I've heard this same sentiment expressed by several women in those situations. If your husband makes you to feel terrible about yourself, that is not healthy and it is a warning sign. Most people in healthy, loving relationships don't feel like they are terrible spouses. Most people in loving, healthy relationships feel respected and appreciated.

    This is exactly what I was talking about when I said u see only what u want to see.You base everything on your single experience with a man, and you start predicting these subtle patterns.Not everyone is like your husband.

    Anyway, you always tend to do this, Im not going to bother correcting you anymore.

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    I am not saying is definitely this or that, we don't know, but what I said is to ask some questions about what is really going on. Like, why is he always mad at her? What is he admonishing her about? How is she disobeying him? I don't think that is unreasonable to ask that. If she really is doing something wrong and disobeying him and he is commanding her the good, then her answering the questions would probably lead to the conclusion that her husband is right.

    Am I projecting my experiences? Perhaps I am or perhaps because of my experiences I notice these subtle patterns of behavior. I can tell you it is true, I actually used to feel very similar to the OP. I used to feel I was just a terrible wife, everything is my fault, and I could probably never be a good wife to anyone. My husband always told me I was disobeying him, but I wasn't. For a while I actually thought the problem was completely mine until I realized what was really going on. This is not uncommon among women who's husband try to make them feel this way so they are completely dependent on them. I've heard this same sentiment expressed by several women in those situations. If your husband makes you to feel terrible about yourself, that is not healthy and it is a warning sign. Most people in healthy, loving relationships don't feel like they are terrible spouses. Most people in loving, healthy relationships feel respected and appreciated.

    Leave a comment:

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