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    Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Salam alaikum,

    I have a question. Please take it serious and don't laugh at me, because I do not know where I can ask and I really please you to give me some serious opinion. I am married and I really try to be a good muslim woman. But sometimes it is very hard for me to accept what my husband says to me. He is very nice and gentle, but I sadly tend to be contrary and I don't like it, when somebody told me what to do, although the person is in right. My husband is often mad at me for disobeying him and always be a bit to disrespectfull ( my temper is often very high and my tongue is to fast). But thats it. He admonish me and I pray a lot and I try to improve my behaviour, but it is hard for me. I fear that my husband, who is very patient with me, one day lose his patient with me and ask for a divorce.

    So I was searching a lot in the Internet to get some tipps (because I do not want it like that anymore, I really want more harmony in my marriage, and my husband isn't the problem, it is me an my dislike to be "obedience"). I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc.

    I know, that it is allowed that a man can punish (not beating or hitting) his wife at last method. But what does it means exactly? Can a husband (who is gentle and loving to his wife (I don't mean any brutal things and no harming etc.please understand it right)) after admonishing her, discipline her? I want to ask my husband if he would do so, I guess it can help, but I do not want that he became a worser muslim (because I read, that the best man is the man who is the best to his wife). My husband is very, very nice to me (I guess sometimes to nice), but I am not always so nice. So when I ask him myself to be more serious to me and to stop and discipline me, when my temper is going mad, he is doing something good and not against Islam, or? He would help me and our marriage, because he would stop me, before I will get angry and nasty and he would help me to be more obendient to him. So he would still be the "best man to his wife"? I really guess, more discipline would help me, but I do not want him to be a worser husband ahead of Allah (but Allah had allowed it to a man to discipline a wife).

    Ok, its maybe a bit confuse, but I hope, you understand what I mean and can give me some opinion (and to be clear, I am not talking about hitting or beating or something like that).

    Thanks

    #2
    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    well it depends on which ulamaa you follow. According to some hitting your wife is forbidden (you can hit with the equavalency of a handkerchief). And aaccording to some salafi ulamaa a man is free to hit her as he pleases. Regardless of who you follow, I find it extremely hard to believe that you will actually benifit from your husband hitting you with a handkerchief when you do something wrong (being ironic). And if he directly hits you as prescribed by many salafi ulamaa, it will just make the situation even worse by creating a fear between you and him. Obedience of any sort based on fear is not a way to live for an adult, nor productiv but rather distructive as it will eventually lead to a full scale riot within you.

    What is it specifically you do wrong (examples please)? Even though the majority of ulamaa believe it obligatory for the wife to obey her husband on most matters, in reality in many muslim marriages this does not show of in the shape of the husband ordering his wife on a daily basis. It might be that your husband is taking too much advantage of this whole obedience thing. Which is why I ask - what for example do you do wrong?

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

      Women who ask their husbands to spank them are women who get off on that sort of thing. It has nothing to do with "learning to be a better person."

      It seems that you are looking for a shortcut to learning to control yourself. And there isn't any, other than you learning to control yourself. You can't farm it out to other people.

      Why not talk to your husband and figure it out. Maybe he can learn to give you a verbal warning. "Now you are going too far, please stop."

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

        a man hitting/disciplining his wife IF NEEDED does notmake him bad in the sight of Allaah, as thats what Allaah has told him to do if she is disobedient, and if telling her dosnt work, and if forsaking the bed thing dont work and he believes that disciplining WILL help, then in such a case he is not bad in front of Allaah, as he's just doing what Allaah told him to do.

        In fact he'll be rewarded for trying to 'help' his wife if that is he niyyah behind this discipline.
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        Comment


          #5
          Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

          Originally posted by Amina777 View Post
          I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc
          I googled "domestic discipline"

          the results are something which I would hesitate to discuss in detail on this forum

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by drmo92:4937738
            well it depends on which ulamaa you follow. According to some hitting your wife is forbidden (you can hit with the equavalency of a handkerchief). And aaccording to some salafi ulamaa a man is free to hit her as he pleases. Regardless of who you follow, I find it extremely hard to believe that you will actually benifit from your husband hitting you with a handkerchief when you do something wrong (being ironic). And if he directly hits you as prescribed by many salafi ulamaa, it will just make the situation even worse by creating a fear between you and him. Obedience of any sort based on fear is not a way to live for an adult, nor productiv but rather distructive as it will eventually lead to a full scale riot within you.

            What is it specifically you do wrong (examples please)? Even though the majority of ulamaa believe it obligatory for the wife to obey her husband on most matters, in reality in many muslim marriages this does not show of in the shape of the husband ordering his wife on a daily basis. It might be that your husband is taking too much advantage of this whole obedience thing. Which is why I ask - what for example do you do wrong?
            Really bro, she mentioned three times that the husband is not the problem and u still say the husband is taking advantage of the "obedience thing".Its not a thing FYI, it is an obligation on every married muslimah.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

              I thought it was a miswaak not a handkercheif?
              ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

              ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                I would advising reading surrendered wife, and Islamic books on marriage.

                Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                  He is also right that in day t o day life it doesnt come up much
                  Originally posted by cooldog View Post
                  Really bro, she mentioned three times that the husband is not the problem and u still say the husband is taking advantage of the "obedience thing".Its not a thing FYI, it is an obligation on every married muslimah.

                  Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                  (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                    “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

                    [al-Nisa’ 4:34]

                    If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain.

                    ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]

                    There are steps, a man first reminds his wife, then he doesnt have sexual relations with her, and then lastly if its useful he can use miswak.
                    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                    The Prophet :saw: said:

                    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                    muslim

                    Narrated 'Abdullah:

                    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                      Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                      “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

                      [al-Nisa’ 4:34]

                      If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain.

                      ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]

                      There are steps, a man first reminds his wife, then he doesnt have sexual relations with her, and then lastly if its useful he can use miswak.
                      :jkk: I knew it was a miswaak. I have no idea where handkerchief came from.
                      ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

                      ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                        Originally posted by Hannahk92 View Post
                        :jkk: I knew it was a miswaak. I have no idea where handkerchief came from.
                        ive seen ppl on this forum claim, it can even be a sheet tied and knotted soaked in water and whip their wife with it. totally outrageous, and not from islam audu billah.

                        Lets see the man who wants to beat his wife, first take the steps that Allah ta ala has ordered him to do, and speak to her about them problem, if that doesnt work, then he has to deny himself sexual relations first, before he picks up that miswak.
                        "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                        The Prophet :saw: said:

                        "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                        muslim

                        Narrated 'Abdullah:

                        The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                        "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                        By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                        [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                          Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                          ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]
                          isnt this unauthentic?
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                            #14
                            Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                            Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                            ive seen ppl on this forum claim, it can even be a sheet tied and knotted soaked in water and whip their wife with it. totally outrageous, and not from islam audu billah.

                            Lets see the man who wants to beat his wife, first take the steps that Allah ta ala has ordered him to do, and speak to her about them problem, if that doesnt work, then he has to deny himself sexual relations first, before he picks up that miswak.
                            also the 'hitting' can only b done if the husbands thinks it will work, if he thinks i wont work, he dosnt hit her... So its no "oh u stupid woman, come here...*whack* "

                            only hit if u believe its going to help.... if u belive its not going to help thn u go on to th forth step... talaaq.
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                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

                              .......
                              Last edited by -Jibril-; 01-12-13, 07:03 PM.
                              There is rest only in the aakhira.
                              Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.

                              - Khaalid Ibn Al Waleed (ra) -

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                              and knowledge is regarded as deeds,
                              then you are in the worst of times, with the worst of people.

                              - Abu Hazim Al Ashja'i (ra) -

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                              That's right, a nude dog.
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