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  • #46
    Re: Decisions decisions!

    Originally posted by Massilia View Post
    How to deal with what?

    She's not an alimah? She can become an alimah, this is not an issue
    She doesn't know how to cook? You're not disabled

    What was the issue again?
    Incorrect

    She isnt an alimah, but can and will be one day inshAllah.

    She doesnt know how to cook, then she better learn how to cook.

    The issue is she doesnt know how to cook yet, but alhamdulilah she is learning, which is something you cant say for everyone. :)

    on a serious note, sounds alright bro, dont make any rash decisions inshAllah.
    Cooking and stuff will come in time, learn together maybe inshAllah.
    Long answers, maybe nerves and pressure to show that she can talk etc?...

    A couple more meetings will be good inshAllah.
    Last edited by QMU; 20-11-12, 09:15 AM.

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    • #47
      Re: Decisions decisions!

      Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
      Last week I didnt cook for almost a week.

      We still ate well. My husband was happy and more importantly, the world didnt end.
      shock , horror

      The amount of times ive seen a brother mention cooking and cleaning, and it being thrown back in his face(when he doesnt even make a big point about it)... Sisters on here can make themselves feel as good as they want, women will cook and clean, and a women who doesnt have that upbringing, where is she isnt taught to do domestic work, then she has lost out quite a bit. For the stability of a home, if the man works, the women does the domestic work. simple.

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      • #48
        Re: Decisions decisions!

        Originally posted by Massilia View Post
        How to deal with what?

        She's not an alimah? She can become an alimah, this is not an issue
        She doesn't know how to cook? You're not disabled

        What was the issue again?
        I agree. The point being to those who didnt get it, not being able to cook and not being the most knowledgeable person isnt a deal breaker. As long as the individual wants to improve. There's always room for improvement. Reading comprehension is key.
        Last edited by purple89; 20-11-12, 09:53 AM. Reason: correction

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        • #49
          Re: Decisions decisions!

          Originally posted by purple89 View Post
          I agree. The point being to those who didnt get it, not being able to cook and not being the most knowledgeable person isnt a deal breaker. As long as the individual wants to improve. There's always room for improvement. Reading comprehension is key.
          Oh my god, one poster understood what i said and didn't swoon. It wasn't so hard to understand, but apparently when people don't get their pasta, it is the end of the planet
          My Blog http://historyeyesopened.tumblr.com/ Watch out sister Nousername
          Ummah forum mentality depiction by BBC (warning) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

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          • #50
            Re: Decisions decisions!

            Originally posted by Massilia View Post
            Actually no , i have the right to ask the same treatment as I had when my dad was living with us and HE was cooking. And indeed i have the right to ask for cooked food. Next

            And no what is rude is seeing people acting like disabled when there are actually disabled people with amputated hands who'd give a kidney to have one hand back. If Allah has given you full members, use them
            You are still rude. You can get the same message across in a more nicer way. Nothing you'd lose by doing that! :)

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            • #51
              Re: Decisions decisions!

              Btw,

              My wife didnt know how to cook before marriage. But she learnt it to an above average level in about 9 months time. She will be a great cook one day, insha Allah :up:

              When she is ill, i can certainly take over some simple kitchen jobs. But the last time i was trying something complex, it was a bit of a mess up, albeit my wife said it was not bad :there:

              She would certainly disapprove of me trying to even learn cooking. Well thats just her. That's just how it is here. I dont see a problem with it as long as i go for work, she cooks the food and the balance is good.

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              • #52
                Re: Decisions decisions!

                Originally posted by QMU View Post
                and a women who doesnt have that upbringing, where is she isnt taught to do domestic work, then she has lost out quite a bit.
                I had that upbringing. It didnt mean that I gained or lost out on anything. I'm the eldest and my mother is blind. That's why it was my job to run the house - from the age of 12-22. I was cooking and cleaning daily after school.

                However, knowing how to cook, clean and operate a household before marriage, didnt make a difference to my marriage once I got married. That's cos, my husband also knew how to run a household cos, he has worked, studied and lived abroad by himself before marriage and learnt how to put a meal together.

                He married a woman who could cook. However, he wasnt fussed either way.
                Last edited by LondonGal; 20-11-12, 03:38 PM.
                https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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                • #53
                  Re: Decisions decisions!

                  So let's see here

                  She's:
                  - Family and religion orientated
                  - Easy Going
                  - Willing to compromise
                  - Learning how to cook

                  Need I say more ...Bro you have a winner!

                  She seems like the ideal Muslimah to marry and on top of that you also find her attractive which is a bonus. I say go for it, you may never meet another sister like her. Even if she isn't everything you expected I'm sure in time she will be Inshallah - a good marriage takes years of growth.

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                  • #54
                    Re: Decisions decisions!

                    Originally posted by Soliloquy View Post
                    :wswrwb:



                    I think that's a wise decision, you should definitely consider a couple of more meetings or enough until you feel comfortable in whatever decision you want to go through with.

                    I'm not sure, but I'd presume the person that doesn't want to go through with any further meetings is the one who should let the other side know. That seems to be the most logical route, anyway.

                    Re. the comments in your first post:

                    It seems like you want to marry someone who wants to continue educating herself and I think if this is something very important to you, you ought to communicate that to her and get an appreciation of what her views are on this. I think what you want is reasonable, to a degree, the only compromise you might have to consider in this regard is someone still undertaking 'aalimah studies or who is still in further education. If this is as important to you as it seems, then I'd recommend you find someone who has already taken some efforts to study because it shows this matters to her and she already wants to do what it is she's doing without you being the main influence. I'm sure discussing this will also give you both more insight into how you both think, what you consider important, what you're willing to compromise over or not, etc.

                    As for the long answers, maybe that was just her nerves, she wanted to cover what she considered important, wasn't sure how to word what she wanted, etc. - there could be a number of reasons and is it really that big of an issue from one meeting?

                    I hope this goes well for you, or that Allah grants you something better, just don't rush.
                    JazakAllah for your input, it is very helpful.

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                    • #55
                      Re: Decisions decisions!

                      Originally posted by submitter View Post
                      Brother, don't worry. These words says it all. She will try to be a good wife. From cooking to looking after children and family. She seems a family and wife material. Go for it.
                      Originally posted by kiduka View Post
                      So let's see here

                      She's:
                      - Family and religion orientated
                      - Easy Going
                      - Willing to compromise
                      - Learning how to cook

                      Need I say more ...Bro you have a winner!

                      She seems like the ideal Muslimah to marry and on top of that you also find her attractive which is a bonus. I say go for it, you may never meet another sister like her. Even if she isn't everything you expected I'm sure in time she will be Inshallah - a good marriage takes years of growth.
                      She did seem like 'wifey material' to me too but couldn't really get much about her personality, which IMO is really important too. I want someone who can think for themselves too.

                      Anyone got any ideas for questions that tell me about the persons personality?

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                      • #56
                        Re: Decisions decisions!

                        Ask her situation questions.. 'what would you do if this happened etc'
                        Where do you see your self in 5 years? ... whats your ultimate life goal?

                        I think you should just see how this is going and if your not pleased with her move on.
                        Definitely don't compare her to other women.

                        Remember you want a companion who will help you enter the jannah and vice versa.
                        O you who have believed, if you obey those who disbelieve, they will turn you back on your heels, and you will [then] become losers.

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                        • #57
                          Re: Decisions decisions!

                          Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
                          She did seem like 'wifey material' to me too but couldn't really get much about her personality, which IMO is really important too. I want someone who can think for themselves too.

                          Anyone got any ideas for questions that tell me about the persons personality?
                          It's alright looking for everything in one person, If you find all the qualities that's fantastic.

                          Just keep in mind brother, you can't find everything in one. It's tough. Just keep in mind the reality as well. Inshallah you will make the right decision.

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                          • #58
                            Re: Decisions decisions!

                            An update to my situation, heard back from the other side and the girl doesn't want to continue so for me the search goes on! Lol...

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                            • #59
                              Re: Decisions decisions!

                              Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
                              An update to my situation, heard back from the other side and the girl doesn't want to continue so for me the search goes on! Lol...
                              Awww... That's too bad. But I'm sure that you're going to meet a potential that you're going to be certain about.


                              Also (this is directed to other posters), why does it matter if a potential cooks or not? If that is a really big issue and you'd want to be cooked for... You'd bring it up. If she doesn't want to cook for her husband, she should let him know. I'm sure they can come to a compromise. Maybe he wouldn't mind cooking if she'll do something like laundry. Or maybe split the cooking during the week! Maybe she cooks Monday-Friday, and then he cooks Saturday and Sunday!
                              Why does it matter that much? Different people have different backgrounds. I know a couple where the husband loves to cook, so he's the one who does it. But he hates cleaning up after, so his wife does that and masha'Allah they're very happy!
                              Last edited by HmInh; 25-11-12, 05:25 PM. Reason: My example got confusing!

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                              • #60
                                Re: Decisions decisions!

                                Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
                                An update to my situation, heard back from the other side and the girl doesn't want to continue so for me the search goes on! Lol...
                                That's the best thing to do, brush it off and move on. This just means Allah (swt) reserved someone else for you.

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