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  • #16
    Re: Decisions decisions!

    Originally posted by Nashmya Imtiaz View Post
    give it more time, see how she is with religion, and if you still really like her, go for it. you'll just know, it will click in your head if she's the one
    We've seen and spoke to each other once.

    I'm not exactly sure what the process is in how we communicate our decisions to each other. Is the onus on the side that decides that they don't want to go any further? So this way any awkwardness is avoided. I'm not entirely sure.

    I'm going to request a second meeting with her to ask some questions I forgot to ask the first time around and will also try to get to know her personality a bit more. But obviously this all depends on if she wants to continue.

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    • #17
      Re: Decisions decisions!

      Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
      We've seen and spoke to each other once.

      I'm not exactly sure what the process is in how we communicate our decisions to each other. Is the onus on the side that decides that they don't want to go any further? So this way any awkwardness is avoided. I'm not entirely sure.

      I'm going to request a second meeting with her to ask some questions I forgot to ask the first time around and will also try to get to know her personality a bit more. But obviously this all depends on if she wants to continue.
      Yes, you should do that if you don't know her personality/character that well. You could even have more than 2 meetings (with mahram of course) if needed to make an informed decision but you should probably let her know once you have decided even if that is you don't want to marry her as you don't want her to get the wrong impression or give her conflicting signals. May Allah swt make it easy for you, Ameen!

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      • #18
        Re: Decisions decisions!

        Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
        I don't expect my wife to do all the cooking 24/7.

        Massilia, you're right, alhamdulillah I am not disabled and I would happily learn to cook for my family when I'm married. I'm living at home with my parents and siblings but my preference is to have my own accommodation with my wife as soon as possible. As neither of us know how to cook, it means we'll have to stay with my family in the short term until it we can stand on our two feet.

        She is working full time and she made it clear that she doesn't really have any long term career plans and will most like switch to part time or quit when she has children.

        I'm not saying its set in stone that a woman has to be able to cook, but I'm assuming in a lot of marriages it will make more sense in the long term for the wife to know how to cook because inevitably she will be spending more time at home due to children than the husband who will be working.
        Alhamdullilah; Don't assume, do the thing. Cooking is a very minor thing, there are people divorcing over that ridiculous

        She does what she wants, im not really interested if she has a long career planned or what, but cooking is not supposed to be an "opbligation" but a pleasure
        Otherwise the distaste for the task is revealed in the meal itself

        You look like well-suited from what i read inchallah

        PS : just because she's at home all day doesn't mean she has time for cooking, even housewives appreciate being cooked for
        My Blog http://historyeyesopened.tumblr.com/ Watch out sister Nousername
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        • #19
          Re: Decisions decisions!

          Originally posted by Massilia View Post
          Actually no , i have the right to ask the same treatment as I had when my dad was living with us and HE was cooking. And indeed i have the right to ask for cooked food. Next

          And no what is rude is seeing people acting like disabled when there are actually disabled people with amputated hands who'd give a kidney to have one hand back. If Allah has given you full members, use them
          why do you have such a big problem with women doing the cooking/houseworketc. if a brother even mentions cooking/housework and women in one sentence you start getting angry talking about how it's not a obligation, men can do it themselves, women have better things to do etc.

          what is wrong with women serving their husbands and families. there is nothing better for a women than to do this. you should be encouraging women to take up that role instead of talking about how it's not an obligation. seriously when your looking to get married are you going to tell him "my dad cooked for us in my home, that is what i'm used so i expect you to do all the cooking or buy me cooked food"! subhanallah whats he going to think.
          Fatima (RA) the daughter of the prophet :saw:, the best of women used to cook and clean till the skin on her hands became harsh. she is our role model.
          "O you who have believed, shall I guide you to a transaction that will save you from a painful punishment?
          (It is that) you believe in Allah and His Messenger and strive in the cause of Allah with your wealth and your lives. That is best for you, if you should know.
          He will forgive for you your sins and admit you to gardens beneath which rivers flow and pleasant dwellings in gardens of perpetual residence. That is the great attainment"
          .


          "And (you will obtain) another (favour) that you love - victory from Allah and an imminent conquest; and give good tidings to the believers"
          .

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          • #20
            Re: Decisions decisions!

            Originally posted by faatima18 View Post
            why do you have such a big problem with women doing the cooking/houseworketc. if a brother even mentions cooking/housework and women in one sentence you start getting angry talking about how it's not a obligation, men can do it themselves, women have better things to do etc.

            what is wrong with women serving their husbands and families. there is nothing better for a women than to do this. you should be encouraging women to take up that role instead of talking about how it's not an obligation. seriously when your looking to get married are you going to tell him "my dad cooked for us in my home, that is what i'm used so i expect you to do all the cooking or buy me cooked food"! subhanallah whats he going to think.
            Fatima (RA) the daughter of the prophet :saw:, the best of women used to cook and clean till the skin on her hands became harsh. she is our role model.
            You (and MANY muslim men) seem to forget to mention that at the same time the prophet himself also cleaned his house. It's not a womans obligation to clean and cook (unless the man works 8+ hours a day and the woman does not). Women have two hands and 5 fingers on each, and guess what; so do men.. The sister is just simply pointing out that it's not the womans responsebility only, but a a daily task the the man too has to give attention to. It's called teamwork, and does not include the man sitting on the couch, directing the wife as far as what food to make goes.. I'm a guy btw..

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            • #21
              Re: Decisions decisions!

              Whats the big deal about cooking or not knowing how to cook? If a girl doesn't know how to cook, it doesn't mean she's not marriage material...she can always learn to cook. And if a grown man doesn't know how to cook, he isn't man enough to get married, IMO. How hard is it, you get a pot, put some water/oil in, put the item you wish to cook in it, and turn the stove on. Stir occaisionally, don't let the thing burn, if it starts burning add some water and turn the heat down. Its not freaking rocket science!

              And we wonder why the Jews have 200x as many Nobel prizes as we do! Half our population doesn't even know how to turn the stove on and we expect to churn out scientists?

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              • #22
                Re: Decisions decisions!

                Originally posted by Vitriolic_Sage View Post
                Whats the big deal about cooking or not knowing how to cook? If a girl doesn't know how to cook, it doesn't mean she's not marriage material...she can always learn to cook. And if a grown man doesn't know how to cook, he isn't man enough to get married, IMO. How hard is it, you get a pot, put some water/oil in, put the item you wish to cook in it, and turn the stove on. Stir occaisionally, don't let the thing burn, if it starts burning add some water and turn the heat down. Its not freaking rocket science!

                And we wonder why the Jews have 200x as many Nobel prizes as we do! Half our population doesn't even know how to turn the stove on and we expect to churn out scientists?
                Cooking is not a deal breaker for me.

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                • #23
                  Re: Decisions decisions!

                  Brother, are you an 'Aalim yourself?

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                  • #24
                    Re: Decisions decisions!

                    Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
                    :salams

                    I'm looking to get married and went to see a girl yesterday.

                    The girl in question is one year older than me and educated to GCSE level,
                    shes a year older than you and their family have not turned you down? wow thats impressive lol. dont be too selective or you will be years away from marrying.
                    Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

                    -Quran (57:20)

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                    • #25
                      Re: Decisions decisions!

                      Originally posted by Laraib View Post
                      Brother, are you an 'Aalim yourself?
                      Nope. I understand that Alima's will be looking for someone from a similar background as themselves ie an alim or hafiz so just to clarify for me its not a must have criteria in a potential wife.

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                      • #26
                        Re: Decisions decisions!

                        Originally posted by deen1984 View Post
                        shes a year older than you and their family have not turned you down? wow thats impressive lol. dont be too selective or you will be years away from marrying.
                        The girl herself didn't know I was a year younger until I brought it up during our meeting. She seemed slightly thrown off at first but said its ok as 'age is just a number'.

                        I've been looking for a while and this was my first face to face meeting. Part of me tells me that because it is my first face to face meeting that I shouldn't settle at the first one and that I should see more people but another part of me tells me that what if I don't see people that are as nice as this girl?

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                        • #27
                          Re: Decisions decisions!

                          Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
                          at times she went on for a bit too long with her answers to my questions, it was as if she felt obligated to give long answers.
                          that just means she was nervous...

                          get used 2 the long answers, apparently women talk a lot...

                          Some guys love it, some hate it. I absolutely love it, as it shows she loves me.... I find it attractive... May Allaah give me a darling sweety pie who loves talking to me ameen.
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                          • #28
                            Re: Decisions decisions!

                            Originally posted by wisdom-17 View Post
                            ...another part of me tells me that what if I don't see people that are as nice as this girl?
                            The main beauty is in the character. No doubt about that.

                            Also every woman is beautiful in her own way...

                            A bit like cakes.... all cakes r nice, but each one has its unique touch of taste that the other one doesnt have. As long as you have a cake u like, all is well.... Just make sure u get a cake rather than get confused over which one 2 have and end up having no cake, lol.

                            Probem is when u see too many cakes u dont know which 1 to have.

                            I'm hungry. Any1 know how to make cakes?
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                            • #29
                              Re: Decisions decisions!

                              Teach her how to cook bro, and encourage her to learn the deen.
                              والمبادرة إلى التكفير إنما تغلب على طباع من يغلب عليهم الجهل - ابن تيمية رحمه الله - بغية المرتاد

                              "Rushing towards takfir is an attitude which is dominant over those who are defeated by ignorance." - Ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah [Bughyatul Murtaad, page 354]

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                              • #30
                                Re: Decisions decisions!

                                Originally posted by TheAuthenticBase View Post
                                that just means she was nervous...

                                get used 2 the long answers, apparently women talk a lot...

                                Some guys love it, some hate it. I absolutely love it, as it shows she loves me.... I find it attractive... May Allaah give me a darling sweety pie who loves talking to me ameen.
                                After speaking to other people and mentioning that she kept going on, I was told the same; that women tend to talk a lot. I'm such a doughnut, I interrupted her once or twice too.

                                Ameen.

                                Originally posted by TheAuthenticBase View Post
                                The main beauty is in the character. No doubt about that.

                                Also every woman is beautiful in her own way...

                                A bit like cakes.... all cakes r nice, but each one has its unique touch of taste that the other one doesnt have. As long as you have a cake u like, all is well.... Just make sure u get a cake rather than get confused over which one 2 have and end up having no cake, lol.

                                Probem is when u see too many cakes u dont know which 1 to have.

                                I'm hungry. Any1 know how to make cakes?
                                Very nicely put. I like your cake analogy.

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