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  • Decisions decisions!

    :salams

    I'm looking to get married and went to see a girl yesterday.

    The girl in question is one year older than me and educated to GCSE level, she has been working full time since leaving school. I was aware of this before going to see her and I felt quite put off initially as I'm looking for someone who is an Alima or studied to at least college level. Nonetheless we spoke and she seemed quite family and religion orientated. I thought she was quite pretty too. She doesn't know how to cook (she's learning), which my mum found surprising when I told her afterwards. She seemed quite easy going although at times she went on for a bit too long with her answers to my questions, it was as if she felt obligated to give long answers.

    This is the first time I've had a face to face with anyone and I'm finding it incredibly difficult to make a decision. I'm going to do istikhara too. I'm hoping we hear back from her side first regarding a decision which will save me from having to make decision.

    Anyone been in a similar situation and how did they deal with it?

  • #2
    Re: Decisions decisions!

    Get married!
    "Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and otherworldly matters, for if you try this, you will find rest.

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    • #3
      Re: Decisions decisions!

      walaykoum wasalam

      i think u should go for an aalimah if thats what ur looking for cos there are a lot of people who are qualified or at that level. or u could ask her to educate herself to become an aalimah or learn about islam after marriage. she could also learn how to cook after marriage as well since thats something minor, ur mum shouldnt look down on her. in this case, its not about being picky cos ur searching for a partner within appropriate boundaries of islam. like i rejected someone cos they were fresh into islam n their level of intellect was only by going to lectures n seminars which i personally think that i will be comfortable with someone who has experienced a lot n their knowledge goes beyond weekly halaqahs, etc. again, theres nothing wrong with this unless u reject based on silly things. do istikharah n be careful about who u choose

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      • #4
        Re: Decisions decisions!

        How to deal with what?

        She's not an alimah? She can become an alimah, this is not an issue
        She doesn't know how to cook? You're not disabled

        What was the issue again?
        My Blog http://historyeyesopened.tumblr.com/ Watch out sister Nousername
        Ummah forum mentality depiction by BBC (warning) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

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        • #5
          Re: Decisions decisions!

          :wswrwb:

          She may have not been to college but she seems like a hard working sister with the right priorities in life and that is a valuable quality. If you are not an Alim yourself then you shouldn't be too disappointed that she isn't one either; both of you can learn together after marriage if you're really keen. Personally, I think a person's character is far more important than if they are qualified Alim/Alima so if you think she has good character and morals then that's a blessing.

          Ok she can't cook but She is learning to cook so that's great and your mum can even teach her which may help them form a good relationship. If you can cook then you can even teach her and I'm sure cooking together will be fun and help the bonding process. The decision is totally up to you so you should do istikhara and think deeply before making decision. Good Luck! May Allah swt guide you to what is best for your Iman and give you a righteous family, Ameen.

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          • #6
            Re: Decisions decisions!

            Originally posted by Massilia View Post
            She doesn't know how to cook? You're not disabled

            What was the issue again?
            Lol!

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            • #7
              Re: Decisions decisions!

              Originally posted by faithheals View Post
              :wswrwb:

              She may have not been to college but she seems like a hard working sister with the right priorities in life and that is a valuable quality. If you are not an Alim yourself then you shouldn't be too disappointed that she isn't one either; both of you can learn together after marriage if you're really keen. Personally, I think a person's character is far more important than if they are qualified Alim/Alima so if you think she has good character and morals then that's a blessing.

              Ok she can't cook but She is learning to cook so that's great and your mum can even teach her which may help them form a good relationship. If you can cook then you can even teach her and I'm sure cooking together will be fun and help the bonding process. The decision is totally up to you so you should do istikhara and think deeply before making decision. Good Luck! May Allah swt guide you to what is best for your Iman and give you a righteous family, Ameen.
              JazakAllah for your wise words.

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              • #8
                Re: Decisions decisions!

                Originally posted by Massilia View Post
                How to deal with what?

                She's not an alimah? She can become an alimah, this is not an issue
                She doesn't know how to cook? You're not disabled

                What was the issue again?
                thats quite rude women are required to cook if theyre able to do so

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                • #9
                  Re: Decisions decisions!

                  Originally posted by Curious George View Post
                  thats quite rude women are required to cook if theyre able to do so
                  Don't mean to start this debate again, but actually they are not. But they are required to obey their husband.
                  Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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                  • #10
                    Re: Decisions decisions!

                    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
                    Don't mean to start this debate again, but actually they are not. But they are required to obey their husband.
                    yep i understand but i wrote the word if

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                    • #11
                      Re: Decisions decisions!

                      Originally posted by Curious George View Post
                      thats quite rude women are required to cook if theyre able to do so
                      Actually no , i have the right to ask the same treatment as I had when my dad was living with us and HE was cooking. And indeed i have the right to ask for cooked food. Next

                      And no what is rude is seeing people acting like disabled when there are actually disabled people with amputated hands who'd give a kidney to have one hand back. If Allah has given you full members, use them
                      Last edited by Massilia; 18-11-12, 07:36 PM. Reason: adding smth
                      My Blog http://historyeyesopened.tumblr.com/ Watch out sister Nousername
                      Ummah forum mentality depiction by BBC (warning) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Decisions decisions!

                        Originally posted by Curious George View Post
                        yep i understand but i wrote the word if
                        Right, but it's not if she is able, it is if that is what she is used to and her husband commands her to.
                        Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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                        • #13
                          Re: Decisions decisions!

                          Originally posted by Massilia View Post
                          Actually no , i have the right to ask the same treatment as I had when my dad was living with us and HE was cooking. And indeed i have the right to ask for cooked food. Next

                          And no what is rude is seeing people acting like disabled when there are actually disabled people with amputated hands who'd give a kidney to have one hand back. If Allah has given you full members, use them
                          okay. so if ur already married or going to get married how will/would ur spouse cook after (lets just say) 8/12hrs of work ? islamically, by law women arent required but its common sense n a moral responsibility to cook

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                          • #14
                            Re: Decisions decisions!

                            give it more time, see how she is with religion, and if you still really like her, go for it. you'll just know, it will click in your head if she's the one
                            DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Decisions decisions!

                              Originally posted by Massilia View Post
                              Actually no , i have the right to ask the same treatment as I had when my dad was living with us and HE was cooking. And indeed i have the right to ask for cooked food. Next

                              And no what is rude is seeing people acting like disabled when there are actually disabled people with amputated hands who'd give a kidney to have one hand back. If Allah has given you full members, use them
                              I don't expect my wife to do all the cooking 24/7.

                              Massilia, you're right, alhamdulillah I am not disabled and I would happily learn to cook for my family when I'm married. I'm living at home with my parents and siblings but my preference is to have my own accommodation with my wife as soon as possible. As neither of us know how to cook, it means we'll have to stay with my family in the short term until it we can stand on our two feet.

                              She is working full time and she made it clear that she doesn't really have any long term career plans and will most like switch to part time or quit when she has children.

                              I'm not saying its set in stone that a woman has to be able to cook, but I'm assuming in a lot of marriages it will make more sense in the long term for the wife to know how to cook because inevitably she will be spending more time at home due to children than the husband who will be working.

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