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Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

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    Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

    Assalaam alaikum everyone,
    I'm new to posting to the forums but I often read the older threads that often come up online. I'm a recent convert that needs a lot of help with a particular issue. This issue is causing me a lot of problems, and causing me to contemplate self-destructive behaviours I thought I gave up when I became Muslim. So please, please... be sensitive to this fact and here's my issue.
    A year before converting, I was in a horrible, abusive relationship that didn't last long (alhumdilullah), and went back to school depressed as ever. A classmate of mine noticed this (we only just met), and he started to become my friend. I would see my abusive boyfriend in the hallway, and my friend would distract me or tell me that anyone who could take advantage of me in that way didn't deserve me. He knew that I was upset, so he'd make an effort to keep a watch over me and make sure I wasn't alone so I couldn't do anything to harm myself.

    He helped me pick myself back up again, and be my old self before I got hurt. We matched up so perfectly, it was only eventual that we got into a relationship. Again, he was there for me when I got sick and had to stay in the hospital (he brought me to the hospital, and stayed with me the entire time). He's sacrificed so much to make sure that I was okay, and has never pushed me to do anything I didn't want. I've been in relationships before, but I've never felt this way about anyone. If it wasn't for him, I might not have been here today.

    Now, I've converted and am looking to make my life work in a halal way. Obviously, boyfriends are not halal, so we're trying to make this work. He's a born Muslim, but was not brought up to have a strong imaan.** We want to make this work, we both consider each other soul-mates. We don't want children (I also have a condition that would make it difficult to conceive), and we have similar goals in life.

    But the issue of marriage is making me go crazy. If we get married, that would only be the beginning of issues. If we got married, we would have problems because what if he's not "Muslim" enough? Or even "Muslim" at all? Then that would defeat the whole purpose of nikkah, as the marriage would be invalid. And his parents/my parents would definitively not want us getting married at 21, so we'd have to do it secretly.

    Please... can anyone help? I'm sorry this sound so pathetic...

    **He doubts a lot of Islam, and could be considered an agnostic at times. He says like, if there is a God and this God lives outside of our universe, then that God is not apart of our reality and therefore why should we care if that thing is not real in our world? Can someone help me figure out this argument?

    #2
    Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

    Well if he wants paradise he should care, after all it will be him reaping the reward Insha Allah. If he doesn't want to go hell then he should care. You wil be surpised because I have heard this statement before ''I'm going hell so what''. So some people accept heaven and hell and even then they don't want to go through the hardhips to avoid hell and enter heaven. So I think his question is ''Why isn't Allah with us if he wants us to worship him?'' Allah answers our Du'aa so he is with us in a way. However Allah does it in such a way that our faith is being tested.

    Look I want to go to heaven right now! If I had the choice I wouldn't want to have been part of this test and I would have wanted to be with Allah from the beginning. However, Allah has decided to test us in this way and we should try and pass it (with excellence) Insha Allah.

    As for why Allah has decided to test us in the first place .maybe we will never have an answer or maybe the answer is out there already 9I haven't researched this myself). I need to gain knowledge fast myself because were I am from people will say ''you have a beard?'' So you say ''yeah for religious reasons'' and they say ''why does your religion ask you to have a beard? They don't really care about the reason 9/10 they just want me to question, and eventually leave my faith. This is assuming your boyfreind does believe in Allah? If he doesn't then he can go to people who are more knowledgable then me who will prove to him otherwise. If the he continues like this you should just not marry him at all.

    This ''love'' for him that you may think you have will die down for sure. It may take months, but it will die down (I know) and then you can enter a safe marriage Insha Allah. Am sorry if my answer was not adequate, my knowledge of the deen is quite small for now.
    Hear these words that I am typing, GOT YOU!!!. You can't hear ''my'' words, there typed up. Yeah...you're smart;)
    ''if you are going into the unknown, expect the possibility of the worst and the best. That way you will be quite confident Insha Allah, but you will also be able to see the bad and thus it will not be as shocking if bad comes to pass''

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

      Thank you for your answer, I needed to hear back from someone on this.
      I've heard a lot of people say that the emotions I have for him will die down, but I don't want them to. I would rather risk being a sinner than not being in this relationship. I'm not trying to sound like I'm committing shirk, I just would not be as happy with anyone else as I am with him. I would stay celibate for my entire life if I couldn't be in a relationship with him, that's how serious I am.

      But to someone who's doubting whether or not we can understand if there is a Creator, the issue of hell/heaven is secondary. It's like, if you're doubting "la ilaha allah", then that's the first issue.
      Thank you again for your answer.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

        At first I gave the advice of producing proof because it seemed like you weren't taking ''leave him'' for an answer so I thought the lesser of two evils. Give him da'wah and get married Insha Allah.However, I realised this was wrong so I edited my post. I will not advice you acheive something halal through haraam means.

        If you believe that is good enough, as for your feelings for him, yes they will die down. You feel like they won't now, but you don't know the future. As a muslim I should try and prevent my brothers and sisters from apotasizing, however if any muslim does become an apostate Allah will bring someone better into this religion (this is very comforting for me). So yeah I advice remain a muslim and leave him.
        Last edited by Yahya2092; 11-08-12, 06:25 PM.
        Hear these words that I am typing, GOT YOU!!!. You can't hear ''my'' words, there typed up. Yeah...you're smart;)
        ''if you are going into the unknown, expect the possibility of the worst and the best. That way you will be quite confident Insha Allah, but you will also be able to see the bad and thus it will not be as shocking if bad comes to pass''

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

          Asalaamu Alaikum,

          Sister, I don't know how to say this, but I would not advise you to marry him. I know how hard this may be for you to ever accept, due to your attachment to the person and how you feel you owe them etc. But look at it like this;

          You say he's weak in faith. You marry him, and down the line there's a good chance he may denounce Islam or have no belief in it. What then? Not only would you marriage not be recognized by Islam, but for every moment you're with him, it will be that same haram "boyfriend" situation; and by having intercourse it would be committing a major sin such as fornication.

          Not only this, but what about yourself? Is it really going to help your own imaan, if the person you're always with has no imaan at all? The ever saying; "your influenced by the people you're around" is so true. You're a convert, and you still have a lot to learn, such a marriage can be hurtful to your belief in God.

          I don't know what to say, but realise that, if this person hadn't been there for you, Allah(swt) would've found someone else to take care of you. He would always have found you a way if you simply put your trust and faith in him. It was because of Allah(swt) that you're here today, not because of the actions of any created being.

          Originally posted by HmInh View Post
          **He doubts a lot of Islam, and could be considered an agnostic at times. He says like, if there is a God and this God lives outside of our universe, then that God is not apart of our reality and therefore why should we care if that thing is not real in our world? Can someone help me figure out this argument?
          Ask him to prove his evidence from Islam that "God is outside our reality". If he can't, then he shouldn't make such random assumptions.

          No just estimate have they made of Allah: Indeed, Allah is Powerful and Exalted in Might.. [22:74]
          A Fast Growing Islamic Search Website -

          www.Searching-Islam.com

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

            Originally posted by Yahya2092 View Post
            We, as in you and him cannot understand how there could be a creator or we as in muslims? As a muslim I am perfectly comfortable about Islam stating there is a creator and I enjoy putting my head on the ground worshipping him and accepting that he is far greater than me. So do you both require proof or just him? Your comment about being celibate all your life sounds contradictory to the fact that you said we.

            Okay i will produce the proof Insha Allah. First you should listen to this talk on atheism and agnostiscm http://www.leveltruth.com/multimedia...gnosticism.mp3. As for proof you should watch this series, this is only part 1 and this is an introduction only. You will have to search for part 2,3,4 etc on youtube by typing the name of the lecture along with the number the part you want to see) to get the following parts.

            Watching all of this will require patience, lots of patience. However, this life is very short in comparison to the next. It is better to watch hour upon hour of video to end up in paradise and get whatever you want, always feeling content, don't you agree? As a muslim I haven't watched all of these videos because I have read many of the scientific accuracies in the qur'an and the prophecies etc, so the rest is just overkill for me and I don't bother with it. I should try to learn it all though.
            I was watching those videos yesterday, taking down notes and such. Green is really a fantastic speaker, I'm really happy to have read his book.
            Thank you for that.

            When I said "we", I meant that in the general statement. Like, "we should care about God because of eternal life", "we" just refers to a broad statement about all human life.

            Asalaamu Alaikum,

            Sister, I don't know how to say this, but I would not advise you to marry him. I know how hard this may be for you to ever accept, due to your attachment to the person and how you feel you owe them etc. But look at it like this;

            You say he's weak in faith. You marry him, and down the line there's a good chance he may denounce Islam or have no belief in it. What then? Not only would you marriage not be recognized by Islam, but for every moment you're with him, it will be that same haram "boyfriend" situation; and by having intercourse it would be committing a major sin such as fornication.

            Not only this, but what about yourself? Is it really going to help your own imaan, if the person you're always with has no imaan at all? The ever saying; "your influenced by the people you're around" is so true. You're a convert, and you still have a lot to learn, such a marriage can be hurtful to your belief in God.

            I don't know what to say, but realise that, if this person hadn't been there for you, Allah(swt) would've found someone else to take care of you. He would always have found you a way if you simply put your trust and faith in him. It was because of Allah(swt) that you're here today, not because of the actions of any created being.
            Thanks for you response Perseveranze, I really appreciate it.
            I understand what you're saying, but I feel like it's not right for me to give up on him or this situation. Like, he's confused... almost like a disease of the soul. If someone you cared about what sick, you wouldn't abandon them to being alone and trying to work their way out of it by themselves. I feel like it's the same thing, I should try and maybe reconcile his doubts with the faith he used to have.

            My issue is that if I couldn't be with him, at all, I think I would leave Islam. I would still believe in everything but... it just hurts too much. I'm not a child either (not that you called me one :) ), so when I say that this is someone I want to spend my life with, I honestly mean it.
            The worst is that he feels torn up about it; he wishes that he could be the Muslim guy that would believe without a doubt and everything would work out for the best but he doesn't know how or if he could be.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

              OP, I would say either leave this relationship or somehow see if you can strengthen his faith before you marry him. I wouldn't marry him based on his current doubts because a marriage helps strengthen our deen and you would both pray together and encourage each other to worship Allaah- but if he doesn't have strong faith in the first place, you'll struggle to do those things.

              Most importantly, you must remember, people choose Islam for Allah and themselves. No matter what happens, your deen stays with you. Your faith in Allah should remain, no matter what happens- because He is the One who you are living for. To say that you would leave Islam if you can't marry a man, is not a good sign of your faith, sister. Please strengthen your faith first and you will,never feel alone. And you will always have strength. I pray Allah guides you, Insha'Allah. Ameen.
              [CENTER][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=#0000FF]"Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself;
              and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                Originally posted by Muslim*sister View Post
                OP, I would say either leave this relationship or somehow see if you can strengthen his faith before you marry him. I wouldn't marry him based on his current doubts because a marriage helps strengthen our deen and you would both pray together and encourage each other to worship Allaah- but if he doesn't have strong faith in the first place, you'll struggle to do those things.

                Most importantly, you must remember, people choose Islam for Allah and themselves. No matter what happens, your deen stays with you. Your faith in Allah should remain, no matter what happens- because He is the One who you are living for. To say that you would leave Islam if you can't marry a man, is not a good sign of your faith, sister. Please strengthen your faith first and you will,never feel alone. And you will always have strength. I pray Allah guides you, Insha'Allah. Ameen.
                I'm trying to strengthen his faith before we do anything... but it doesn't work well. He doesn't deny that there could be a God, but he just feels like we can never tell if there is or not.
                I know I chose Islam for those reasons. But I just can't understand how this issue would work out, in a halal way. It would be a miracle for him to become a Muslim/better Muslim. I've been praying on it for so long, and it hasn't changed.

                Thank you for your dua, sister.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                  All that is with Allah. Is never lost. In fact, the Prophet (s) said, "You will never give up a thing for the sake of Allah (swt), but that Allah will replace it for you with something that is better for you than it."

                  Sometimes Allah takes in order to give. But it is crucial to understand that in His giving is not always in the form that we think we want. He knows what is best. Allah says, "...But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you, but Allah knows, and you do not." (Quran)

                  Imagine if you kept your faith strong and then in the future found a husband who is a million times better?
                  Imagine if I was once in love with a man who seemed amazing, kind, wonderful, perfect - but he was not Muslim. If I married him, I would neglect my religion, I would neglect Allah.
                  Now imagine if I left this man and then married a pious wonderful man, who was equally amazing, kind, wonderful - and what made him a BILLION times better was that he had faith in Allah (swt). And he joke me up for far prayers, and he fasted with me, and he prayed for me.

                  I am married to a pious Muslim man....and I cannot express the joy I feel when he prays for me, or when he does things for me for the sake of Allah. I would never exchange his one prayer about me for another man who gave me EVERY worldly good and love but did NOT pray for me like my husband does.

                  Not trying to say I only want my husband to pray for me, I just mean jI feel a huge connection with him when we are closer to Allah. A connection more powerful and rewarding than anything in this world.
                  [CENTER][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=#0000FF]"Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself;
                  and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                    Sorry not joke me up lol, I meant he "woke me up for prayers..."

                    Annoying auto correct!
                    [CENTER][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=#0000FF]"Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself;
                    and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                      Originally posted by HmInh View Post
                      I'm trying to strengthen his faith before we do anything... but it doesn't work well. He doesn't deny that there could be a God, but he just feels like we can never tell if there is or not.
                      I know I chose Islam for those reasons. But I just can't understand how this issue would work out, in a halal way. It would be a miracle for him to become a Muslim/better Muslim. I've been praying on it for so long, and it hasn't changed.

                      Thank you for your dua, sister.
                      I will pray that Allah guides him. But please, if the worst came to the worst, don't feel like you must leave Islam.
                      My dear sister, this man may have seemed like a gift to you.
                      Allah gives us gifts. But we often become dependent on those gifts, instead of Him. When He gives us money, we depend on the money, not Him. When He gives us people, we depend on people - not Him. When He gives us health, we think we will never die.

                      Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Allah. We take those gifts and inject them into our hearts, until they take over. Soon we cannot live without them.mevery waking moment is spent in contemplation of them, in submission and worship to them. The mind and the heart that was created for Allah becomes the property of someone else...and then the fear comes....the fear of loss cripples us. Our gift becomes our own prison. How can we be freed of this? Allah frees us, by taking it away...
                      [CENTER][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=#0000FF]"Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself;
                      and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                        Hahaha, yeah, auto correct can be a pain. :P
                        But why wouldn't Allah accept my dua for my partner to become Muslim? Why wouldn't that be accepted? I've cried and wept and made so much for this... and I just feel cold and empty after I make dua for it.
                        I understand, but nothing but this isn't working. We match on everything but this. He even feels bad about it.
                        It just tears my heart apart.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                          So in that process of taking, you turn to Allah and beg and pray. And in that process, you replaced what you thought was your 'gift' with remembrance of Allah.

                          And so, sometimes, the 'something better' is the greatest gift - nearness to Him.

                          When something is lost, does it return? Yes. Sometimes here, sometimes there, sometimes in A better form.

                          Okay I've hijacked your thread! I hope you find strength sister. Ameen.
                          [CENTER][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=#0000FF]"Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself;
                          and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                            Originally posted by HmInh View Post
                            Hahaha, yeah, auto correct can be a pain. :P
                            But why wouldn't Allah accept my dua for my partner to become Muslim? Why wouldn't that be accepted? I've cried and wept and made so much for this... and I just feel cold and empty after I make dua for it.
                            I understand, but nothing but this isn't working. We match on everything but this. He even feels bad about it.
                            It just tears my heart apart.
                            Sometimes it may be because Allah has something better for you in store- or maybe that it was not in His plan for you to be together. Maybe in the long term he wouldn't be good for you. I mean this guy cares for you a LOT right? Yet he still can't bring himself to agree with you.

                            On a more general note, trust me, I don't mean to make your anguish sound unimportant. I know your pain is important because you are here asking for help. But if you don't manage to make it with this mean, then your heart may break.

                            Hearts break. And you can spend a year, two years, three years, four or even five, ( though usually most people are healed before then) dwelling on a broken heart. It may hurt so much that you don't want to live anymore. Everything reminds you of the person you loved. But look, if every human whose heart broke - and trust me there are many of them - if every human who was in that situation were to take a vow of celibacy, the human race would become extinct!

                            What happens to those people? Do they wither away and die? No. They hurt - some for months, others for years, but when they finally heal and when they finally give another amazing, wonderful human being who is Better for them a chance, they finally feel like they wasted all that time in pain. The pain is forgotten. They say to Allah, "if I had only known how it feels to be this happy and to be loved and love a good person for the sake of Allah, then I would have never cried a single tear."

                            Pray for what is good for you, for your heart, for your happiness.
                            Hope I haven't hurt you in any of my posts by being blunt.
                            [CENTER][FONT=Century Gothic][COLOR=#0000FF]"Allah the Almighty said: 'I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself;
                            and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."[/COLOR][/FONT][/CENTER]

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Marriage to someone of little to no imaan?

                              :salams

                              Sister, please, like seriously, please, gather yourself together.

                              What's this supposed to mean: My issue is that if I couldn't be with him, at all, I think I would leave Islam.? So, you came to Islam for this guy, not for Allah?

                              Honestly, you posts makes me upset. You are questioning Islam because some guy you like? Who do you like more, Allah or this guy? And, just to let you know the reason you're a Muslim today is because Allah has opened your heart to Islam. Allah is the One who guides, not me, not you, not even a prophet. Thank Allah that He had chosen you over so many other to bless you with True Faith, instead of making comments like "...I think I would leave Islam." Remember, Allah doesn't need you, you need Allah. Leave Islam, and you are the one who is in loss.

                              As for this guy, first of all, you can't have any sort of relationship with a non-mahram. Period. So, you have to stop interacting with him. Again, please, pick up yourself. You have to place Allah over everyone, even yourself, so to even think of marrying someone who questions whether Allah exists is just insane!

                              "I love him, I will stay celibate, I'm serious, I'm this and I'm that..." If you only had that enthusiasm for Allah, rather than some guy who is not even sure about his faith. Really, snap out of it.You're a Muslimah, you are better than falling for some guy. Realize where you stand in front of Allah, as an honored woman, woman with dignity and respect. Don't fall for this filmsy Hollywood dialogues. Take control of yourself, before you end up doing something you'll regret. Stay away from him. If it's written for him to be guided, he will be guided.

                              He may not be written in your destiny, so have more trust in Allah, that He knows better about you than you know yourself.

                              May Allah keep you steadfast on the Truth.
                              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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