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Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

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  • shockwave
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by Mich View Post
    And most people don't create wars, are not violent, or want to be in poverty, do not abuse people nor wish to live in a house where this is common every day things.

    Most people do not want polygamy, so don't force it on them and respect their belief. If you marry a women who does not like polygamy, don't force it on her. If a women does not want it, respect that as well.

    How would you feel if your wife brought home another man, because she was bored with sex, or wanted a younger guy, etc., ect.
    Indeed. Excellent post.

    Besides, most people commit polygamy all for the wrong reasons. Just because you want a mistress on the side does not make it acceptable. Honestly, I would question the character and morals of the type of guy who would sneak behind his wife's back just to get married to some other bird.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ariadne
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Very true story : a very far auntie of mine, in around 1990's, caught his husband wanted to do polygamy without telling her. Then she made dua "if he's really went that astray with another woman, please destroy his life". In a very short time, his husband's business crumbled, he's being ripped-off by a business associate, lost a very huge sum of money, that he went into depression treatment. Of course this condition affect the wife too, that she had to find a job to support the family. Found out that her husband NEVER actually married the mistress, but he admitted he intended to. Well, until his business crumbled and his 1st wife caught him

    Moral of the story :
    1. Hell hath no fury like woman scorned :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
    2. Be careful for what you wished for

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by Abd. View Post
    i'm a brother....
    Brother, my post wasn't directed at you.

    Leave a comment:


  • Hannahk92
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by Abd. View Post
    i'm a brother....
    Lol everyone keeps getting users genders wrong these days.

    Leave a comment:


  • Abd.
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
    No one is forcing it. Sister was talking about pleasing Allah, showing your attention to Him, looking past the "He's only mine," benefiting through the trials of polygamy, etc.
    i'm a brother....

    Leave a comment:


  • muslimahc
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
    Women do have the option of getting a divorce, or not marrying a brother who will get another wife. Again, it's not a piece of cake for all sisters. You might be able to convince your head, but to convince the heart is very difficult.
    Very true. The chalenge is not to let our feelings in our heart do the thinking for us instead of our brain. We cannot let it take over. That is what causes problems. The wives need to think rationally in order to be patient and not overly jealous and quarrelsome. Most importantly, the man needs to not let the feelings in his heart take over his brain which will allow him to make rational and sensible decisions. He will prefer one in his heart over the other wives, so he has to make sure this feeling doesn't take over his actions. He needs to make all his wives feel loved and secure in the relationship. I have only seen one man who made polygamy work. However, even though he treated all 4 of his wives well, he had girlfriends as well. His wives got along well and he was always fair between them and never took sides in their quareels. He still disrecpted them by cheating on them. Funny, b/c I thought polygamy is supposed to prevent zina. Zina is not prevented by having more than one woman, it is prevented by having self-control.
    Last edited by muslimahc; 05-08-12, 04:16 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Women do have the option of getting a divorce, or not marrying a brother who will get another wife. Again, it's not a piece of cake for all sisters. You might be able to convince your head, but to convince the heart is very difficult.

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
    All of those things are out of our hands, though. With polygamy, you can chose, to an extent.
    If you are a man, but not so much if you are a woman. Look at all the things that Aisha ra, the Prophet's :saw: favorite, youngest, most beloved wife did to try to stop his remarrying. Did it stop him? Did he lack mercy?

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by muslimahc View Post
    Very well said. unfortunately I cannot give you a rep again as I cannot give you 2 in a row. It helped me see polygamy in a better way. What you said is true, but it depends on the man practing it justly and treating all wives well in order for that to work. If he abuses that right, it defeats the whole purpose of getting closer to Allah. When you think about it, being jealous and fighting over a man gives him too much power over you as he has all these women fighting for his attention and trying to seek his pleasure. Allah (swt) should be the one to have power over our lives and not a man. We should be seeking Allah's pleasure, not a man's. We try to make our husband's happy in order to seek ALLAH's pleasure. Your post made me feel much more relieved. I have heard people say you should struggle through polygamy to seek the pleasure of Allah, but it never made sense to me how you would gain Allah's pleasure through that, but now I understand. I needed that. Plus, today I was just speaking to a sister today whose husband left today to go see his 2nd wife in Africa whom he saves all his money for while making the first one work long hours to make ends meet. I am wondering why this woman is willing to put up with that nonsense. I guess she is doing it for Allah and not for that fool. Still, there are some things I personally would not tolerate in polygamy. I would not tolerate what she is tolerating b/c he is not being just. I don't mind being patient when the man is just or at least tries to be, but otherwise I would leave him.
    Alhamdulillah sister. I agree in terms of someone trampling over our rights and treating us in a disrespectful way, we all need to draw a line when it gets to the point of degrading us or negatively affecting our deen. We have to remember that we ourselves are an amana from Allah and we need to protect and care for ourselves. Part of having sabr is being steadfast in enjoining the good and prohibiting the bad, sometimes we even have to do that in regards to our marriage situation. If he is treating us in a way that is sinful to him, our mercy to him is putting a stop to that situation. And it is also our duty to respect ourselves and uphold the truth.

    I just wanted to comment on what you said in regards to the man having too much power to control because the wives are jealous, vying for his attention. Who is it that is giving him that control? He does not inherently have it given the circumstance. The person giving him that control is the wife. The wife is the one jealous, focusing her engery on him. She does have a choice in the matter. Her choice is to remove the excessive focus on the husband, the excessive attachment from her heart and put it back where it belongs, in the hands of Allah swt. Now let's say something happens and polygamy becomes more difficult than it should be. Rights are violated, or it simply doesn't feel like he is doing it in the best way. Now we have a situation in which we are facing hardship. The strange state of the believer is that is good befalls him, he is thankful and it is good for him. If hardship befalls him, he is patient and it is good for him. We on this earth think that ease is good and hardship is bad, but in reality both states are blessings and mercy from Allah swt. When in hardship, you are in a state where your sins are being lifted from you, your character is being perfected, and your connection with Allah is being strengthened. When Allah shuts the doors to this dunya he is eliminating the wrong choices so we are forced to make the right one, calling on Him.

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by Mich View Post
    And most people don't create wars, are not violent, or want to be in poverty, do not abuse people nor wish to live in a house where this is common every day things.

    Most people do not want polygamy, so don't force it on them and respect their belief. If you marry a women who does not like polygamy, don't force it on her.
    No one is forcing it. Sister was talking about pleasing Allah, showing your attention to Him, looking past the "He's only mine," benefiting through the trials of polygamy, etc.

    Leave a comment:


  • .mirror.
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    War, violence, poverty, abuse, and corruption also isn't everyone's cup of tea but it is something we are faced with whether we are willing or not. That doesn't negate the fact that something that feels bad, wrong, or even evil to us can bring about a great deal of good and be the cause for many people to enter jannah if they accept it as the will of Allah expecting a reward from Him.
    All of those things are out of our hands, though. With polygamy, you can chose, to an extent.

    Leave a comment:


  • Mich
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    War, violence, poverty, abuse, and corruption also isn't everyone's cup of tea but it is something we are faced with whether we are willing or not. That doesn't negate the fact that something that feels bad, wrong, or even evil to us can bring about a great deal of good and be the cause for many people to enter jannah if they accept it as the will of Allah expecting a reward from Him.
    And most people don't create wars, are not violent, or want to be in poverty, do not abuse people nor wish to live in a house where this is common every day things.

    Most people do not want polygamy, so don't force it on them and respect their belief. If you marry a women who does not like polygamy, don't force it on her. If a women does not want it, respect that as well.

    How would you feel if your wife brought home another man, because she was bored with sex, or wanted a younger guy, etc., ect.
    Last edited by Mich; 05-08-12, 02:11 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • muslimahc
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    Sisters, first of all a man doesn't need an excuse or reason to get married to a second wife. It is all the same reasons that he would want to marry for the first time leading him to do it the second time. If he wants to get married, he can get married. Period.

    Secondly, we need to put this into perspective. What is our objective in marriage? To own a man? To revolve around him? Or is it yet another way to worship Allah swt? We are not here to try to please our husbands for the sake of our relationships or our own pleasure. We don't get security from a relationship with another human being, we get security from our relationship with Allah. We are here to try to gain our husbands pleasure because that will be a cause for us to earn Allah's pleasure. If your husband has the desire and means to get married, which is a commendable thing in which he can gain rewards, which none of us would deny in reference to first marriages, then do we want to be the one to stand in his way? If we prevent him, we will be a source of disappointment for him. If he remarries and finds his new wife brings more pleasure, satisfaction, and good deeds into his life, maybe even more than we ever could, the fact that we made that easy for him will make him more pleased with us. And if he remarries to find his new wife brings him less satisfaction, pleasure, and good deeds than he would have if he were with us alone, he will recognize our goodness and be even more appreciative of us. In terms of gaining the pleasure of our husbands, it is a win win situation. Not only that, if we handle ourselves well and are patient with this added difficulty in our life for the sake of Allah, we will not just grow as a person and develop spiritually, we will be given this opportunity to demonstrate our steadfastness which will further endear us to our husband and earn us a multitude of rewards from Allah. This life is short and we have one go at it, may as well give it all we can, doing what it will take to bring us to the level we are trying to achieve. So we need to ask ourselves, what are we really trying to achieve and what is the best way to get there?
    Very well said. unfortunately I cannot give you a rep again as I cannot give you 2 in a row. It helped me see polygamy in a better way. What you said is true, but it depends on the man practing it justly and treating all wives well in order for that to work. If he abuses that right, it defeats the whole purpose of getting closer to Allah. When you think about it, being jealous and fighting over a man gives him too much power over you as he has all these women fighting for his attention and trying to seek his pleasure. Allah (swt) should be the one to have power over our lives and not a man. We should be seeking Allah's pleasure, not a man's. We try to make our husband's happy in order to seek ALLAH's pleasure. Your post made me feel much more relieved. I have heard people say you should struggle through polygamy to seek the pleasure of Allah, but it never made sense to me how you would gain Allah's pleasure through that, but now I understand. I needed that. Plus, today I was just speaking to a sister today whose husband left today to go see his 2nd wife in Africa whom he saves all his money for while making the first one work long hours to make ends meet. I am wondering why this woman is willing to put up with that nonsense. I guess she is doing it for Allah and not for that fool. Still, there are some things I personally would not tolerate in polygamy. I would not tolerate what she is tolerating b/c he is not being just. I don't mind being patient when the man is just or at least tries to be, but otherwise I would leave him.
    Last edited by muslimahc; 05-08-12, 01:48 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Abd.
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
    ↑Sister, ultimately, marriage should be for the sake of Allah, of course. But, polygamy isn't everyone's cup of tea. Some sisters are Ok with it, while others can't cope with it. The thought of sharing their husband puts them off.
    .......brother

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Pologamy,The Benefits for Men and Women.

    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
    ↑Sister, ultimately, marriage should be for the sake of Allah, of course. But, polygamy isn't everyone's cup of tea. Some sisters are Ok with it, while others can't cope with it. The thought of sharing their husband puts them off.
    War, violence, poverty, abuse, and corruption also isn't everyone's cup of tea but it is something we are faced with whether we are willing or not. That doesn't negate the fact that something that feels bad, wrong, or even evil to us can bring about a great deal of good and be the cause for many people to enter jannah if they accept it as the will of Allah expecting a reward from Him.
    Last edited by inprogress; 05-08-12, 01:21 AM.

    Leave a comment:

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