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  • The Full Package

    :salams

    I was talking about marriage with a friend. Both of us are looking to get married and we do often exchange stories about all the antics that that come with searching for a spouse.

    Mashallah this brother is intelligent, has worked hard in his chosen field, Allah has given him looks and has always been religious. Basically, Allah has been kind to him. He is human though and like every human being has good qualities and not so good qualities. But on the face of it he has what it takes to get married.

    The thing is, he says that he wants someone 'top society' someone who has the 'full package'. So, someone religious, intelligent, pretty and from a good family who he can get along with. Then there are other things such as religious divisions (barelwi is probably a no no, intelligence has its own levels etc) I said to him that his expectations are too high. You will be fortunate if you find someone with 2 out of the 4, let alone 3. 4 is near impossible. But he says otherwise.

    So, what do you guys think. Is this a reasonable demand? Is there such a thing as someone with 'the full package' or are do we expect the world when we search for a spouse.

    Your views and past experiences are welcome.

    Jazakallah

  • #2
    Re: The Full Package

    Originally posted by Ironic View Post
    :salams

    I was talking about marriage with a friend. Both of us are looking to get married and we do often exchange stories about all the antics that that come with searching for a spouse.

    Mashallah this brother is intelligent, has worked hard in his chosen field, Allah has given him looks and has always been religious. Basically, Allah has been kind to him. He is human though and like every human being has good qualities and not so good qualities. But on the face of it he has what it takes to get married.

    The thing is, he says that he wants someone 'top society' someone who has the 'full package'. So, someone religious, intelligent, pretty and from a good family who he can get along with. Then there are other things such as religious divisions (barelwi is probably a no no, intelligence has its own levels etc) I said to him that his expectations are too high. You will be fortunate if you find someone with 2 out of the 4, let alone 3. 4 is near impossible. But he says otherwise.

    So, what do you guys think. Is this a reasonable demand? Is there such a thing as someone with 'the full package' or are do we expect the world when we search for a spouse.

    Your views and past experiences are welcome.

    Jazakallah
    Give him a few years... he'll soon come back down to earth with us mere mortals.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: The Full Package

      religious, intelligent, pretty and good family. I don't get what is so hard about getting atleast 3/4 of them.
      "They are Shuhadaa (witnesses) to the fact that this Deen is greater than life, that values are more important than blood and that principles are more precious than souls" - Sheikh 'Abdullah Azzam

      Lost in Islamic History :inlove:

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      • #4
        Re: The Full Package

        full package for hajj or umrah? its cheaper if you book your own ticket and let the agent do visa, hotel booking and the rest. :up:
        *switches off deliberate ignorant mode*
        لا أريد مِنْكُمْ جَزَاء وَلا شُكُورًا

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        • #5
          Re: The Full Package

          Originally posted by samin62 View Post
          religious, intelligent, pretty and good family. I don't get what is so hard about getting atleast 3/4 of them.
          yeah i agree

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: The Full Package

            he is being a bit over ambitious, just remind him. Of the Hadith, of the three qualities recommended and the rest falls into place. if he is a potential spouse you are both looking into, ask him what his thoughts are on you, and tell him yep what you think. you just know when you meet them anyway, that is a sign from Allah swt in itself.
            DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: The Full Package

              Originally posted by In my Opinion View Post
              Give him a few years... he'll soon come back down to earth with us mere mortals.
              Hmm, InshAllah. Make dua. I think in the end, it is mere mortals that end up getting married. Everyone else is too busy with there head above the clouds.

              Originally posted by samin62 View Post
              religious, intelligent, pretty and good family. I don't get what is so hard about getting atleast 3/4 of them.
              Originally posted by st4rscream View Post
              yeah i agree
              Really? From the people I know, I think it is quite a rare thing. To have high standards in deen and to be ambitious in worldly things, then on top of that looks and family. I don't know.

              Originally posted by Nashmya Imtiaz View Post
              he is being a bit over ambitious, just remind him. Of the Hadith, of the three qualities recommended and the rest falls into place. if he is a potential spouse you are both looking into, ask him what his thoughts are on you, and tell him yep what you think. you just know when you meet them anyway, that is a sign from Allah swt in itself.
              JKK bro. That is good advice. I think is really important to meet people.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: The Full Package

                Originally posted by truepath View Post
                full package for hajj or umrah? Its cheaper if you book your own ticket and let the agent do visa, hotel booking and the rest. :up:
                *switches off deliberate ignorant mode*
                haha :p. JKK for the advice. I will drop some leaflets round.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: The Full Package

                  Well you say this guy ticks all the boxes in terms of being good looking with good prospects and so on so let him marry someone who he feels can tick the boxes for him as well if that's his idea of compatibility. I don't think he's asking too much as he tries to uphold those qualities for himself so it's not like he's a nobody with nothing going for him but still expects a full package for himself. So he's after four main things; religious commitment, good looks, intelligence and good family... I think such people do exist and those are not unrealistic expectations BUT I will tell you one thing; life is never that straightforward and there is always a catch.

                  Allah (swt) tests everyone and I think everyone goes through some test in marriage even if they find someone with all the right qualities there is always something that pops up that no one could've anticipated or planned for. Stuff that can mess up even if the husband and wife are good with each other. Stuff like a sister in law who tries to sabotage the marrige or cause fitnah (that doesn't just happen in Indian dramas), stuff like the husband or wife being infertile, stuff like the husband losing his job and them having to struggle on very little, stuff like a bereavement changing the whole personality of the spouse overnight. These are all things that cannot be planned for but can still affect anyone. I'm not saying to change his criterion, but to just bear in mind that life isn't as clear cut as he seems to think it will be if he makes these rigid rules and plans of what constitutes suitability in a marriage.
                  The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: The Full Package

                    If he's got money it shouldn't be a problem.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: The Full Package

                      Does personality/character not also play a part in this? I think thats the most important thing that comes after Imaan.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: The Full Package

                        It is very common thing to do. What the brother needs to do is define each of those categories. How deeny does he wants a sister to be (his minimal requirement). How intelligent does he want his partner to be (min/max)? What about good family, where is his limit?

                        Wanting all is not a bad thing but having unclear definition will hurt him because there will always be something better in our imagination. He needs to set limit and then any sister who meets those requirement he needs to meet & evaluate character and personality.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: The Full Package

                          ....

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: The Full Package

                            Originally posted by neelu View Post
                            Well you say this guy ticks all the boxes in terms of being good looking with good prospects and so on so let him marry someone who he feels can tick the boxes for him as well if that's his idea of compatibility. I don't think he's asking too much as he tries to uphold those qualities for himself so it's not like he's a nobody with nothing going for him but still expects a full package for himself. So he's after four main things; religious commitment, good looks, intelligence and good family... I think such people do exist and those are not unrealistic expectations BUT I will tell you one thing; life is never that straightforward and there is always a catch.

                            Allah (swt) tests everyone and I think everyone goes through some test in marriage even if they find someone with all the right qualities there is always something that pops up that no one could've anticipated or planned for. Stuff that can mess up even if the husband and wife are good with each other. Stuff like a sister in law who tries to sabotage the marrige or cause fitnah (that doesn't just happen in Indian dramas), stuff like the husband or wife being infertile, stuff like the husband losing his job and them having to struggle on very little, stuff like a bereavement changing the whole personality of the spouse overnight. These are all things that cannot be planned for but can still affect anyone. I'm not saying to change his criterion, but to just bear in mind that life isn't as clear cut as he seems to think it will be if he makes these rigid rules and plans of what constitutes suitability in a marriage.
                            JazakAllah Khair for the good advice.

                            Many people believe money, looks are the be all and end all. But in truth, these are superficial and have no real significance. In fact, these things are the cause of arrogance and fitnah and make people leave the deen because of it.

                            I do agree with you. As far as what I understand every human being faces their fair share of trials and tribulations. No one gets an easy ride.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: The Full Package

                              Originally posted by Starman1 View Post
                              If he's got money it shouldn't be a problem.
                              I wish! with money it is even harder. You do not know whether someone is interested in you as a person or just your wealth. Some people are crazy for wealth and it is a big trial.

                              Originally posted by `Mohammed View Post
                              Does personality/character not also play a part in this? I think thats the most important thing that comes after Imaan.
                              Yes, that is extremely important as well. JKK for adding.

                              Originally posted by Kya View Post
                              It is very common thing to do. What the brother needs to do is define each of those categories. How deeny does he wants a sister to be (his minimal requirement). How intelligent does he want his partner to be (min/max)? What about good family, where is his limit?

                              Wanting all is not a bad thing but having unclear definition will hurt him because there will always be something better in our imagination. He needs to set limit and then any sister who meets those requirement he needs to meet & evaluate character and personality.
                              ^^ is really important. A lot of people have a perception of who they want and it is so far from reality that they just end up waiting.

                              Why do you say it is very common?

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