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Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

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  • Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

    Let’s be honest and no politically correct answer of we treat everyone equal. Tell me how you truelly feel and what you honestly will do if you obtained a proposal from someone who is near your age group or in their 20’s but is divorced. You don’t know the reason and you don’t know the person character or much about the person.

    Would you move forward and look into it or would you walk away because being divorce at such a young age is red flag.

    My view: I have uttermost respect for divorce brother and sister, it just happens. I don't think I am willing to deal with it at this point.

  • #2
    Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

    Honestly I don't care about the divorce, even im a very very very curious person, I'd try not to ask why. But the "I dont know much about the person" is more worrying no?

    Although at the first little stunt i'd be out obviously
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    • #3
      Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

      Obviously one would not know much about a prospect until she agrees to look into the proposal & then find out.

      If it is a person who is from our inner social circle then it is easier to decide. But most proposal are from 3rd degree where not much information is known untill we decide to walk down the

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      • #4
        Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

        Originally posted by Kya View Post
        Would you move forward and look into it or would you walk away because being divorce at such a young age is red flag.
        Been there, done that. I was briefly engaged to a 'young' divorcee once. Personally, I think not all 20'ers are irresponsible just as not all oldies are man enough. Red flag for me would probably be a guy who divorced his wife of 10 years leaving his kids behind than a 20 something who is divorced within the year of his marriage.
        حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَ نِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ

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        • #5
          Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

          When I was single, I got a proposal from a divorced brother. Tbh, I would love to consider that proposal but as my parents wouldn't want me to marry a divorced brother at that point, I couldn't go forward with that. However, I feel one should inquire why the previous marriage didn't work once everything seems to be ok between the brother and sister. This will also help to understand this brother more inshAllah.

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          • #6
            Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

            Originally posted by Kya View Post
            Let’s be honest and no politically correct answer of we treat everyone equal. Tell me how you truelly feel and what you honestly will do if you obtained a proposal from someone who is near your age group or in their 20’s but is divorced. You don’t know the reason and you don’t know the person character or much about the person.

            Would you move forward and look into it or would you walk away because being divorce at such a young age is red flag.

            My view: I have uttermost respect for divorce brother and sister, it just happens. I don't think I am willing to deal with it at this point.
            Originally posted by sushi View Post
            When I was single, I got a proposal from a divorced brother. Tbh, I would love to consider that proposal but as my parents wouldn't want me to marry a divorced brother at that point, I couldn't go forward with that. However, I feel one should inquire why the previous marriage didn't work once everything seems to be ok between the brother and sister. This will also help to understand this brother more inshAllah.
            :salams

            I wouldn't mind if I got a proposal from a young divorcee, though I know my family would make a fuss about it I'd definitely ask him why his previous marriage ended and do some background research, just to be on the safe side. It could be that he got divorced for some valid reasons, but still it wouldn't hurt to check, see if he has a record of domestic violence, substance abuse and things like that.

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            • #7
              Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

              As much as I try to be open minded, I often find myself not to be as open minded when I am facing the situation. When i see a brother with divorce status, I am reluctant to get to know him because:
              1) What will people say? Even if my parents agree, there will be others making comment. Do I really want to hear all those for a guy I don’t know? Of course I will get to know him before marriage but do I really want to get to know him?
              2) Emotional damage his divorce brought to him. Breakup is bad but divorce is worst and on a young guy with no life experience, that will have huge impact on him. Do I want to deal with it? But of course not every brother has those issues. Again the question comes do I really want to find out the depth of his emotional damage
              3) If a brother is married at young age, old enough to be looking for his 1st marriage, then I worry about his decision making skill. Is he just terrible at picking girl and if so I am another bad choose or has he learned his lesson?

              I feel really weird dealing with this situation. I am usually reluctant to get to know a guy because i envision 101 problems before I even met him.

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              • #8
                Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                It depends on his character and why he got divorced. If he has a good character and doesn't have kids, then I would marry him. If they have kids, then that would be an attachment between them I don't want. I also want to be sure that he is not still in love with his ex wife.
                Therefore remember Me, I will remember you, And be thankful to Me, and do not be ungrateful to Me." [Qur'an 2:152]
                Behold in the Remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction."
                [Al Quran 13:28]
                ]

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                • #9
                  Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                  Originally posted by geeksupremo View Post
                  I'd definitely ask him why his previous marriage ended and do some background research, just to be on the safe side. It could be that he got divorced for some valid reasons, but still it wouldn't hurt to check, see if he has a record of domestic violence, substance abuse and things like that.
                  :up: I agree. (Personally) I'd go as far as to say that it's essential to do so. I mean, what if he's a serial womaniser etc?
                  Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

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                  • #10
                    Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                    Originally posted by Kya View Post
                    As much as I try to be open minded, I often find myself not to be as open minded when I am facing the situation. When i see a brother with divorce status, I am reluctant to get to know him because:
                    1) What will people say? Even if my parents agree, there will be others making comment. Do I really want to hear all those for a guy I don’t know? Of course I will get to know him before marriage but do I really want to get to know him?

                    Who cares?


                    2) Emotional damage his divorce brought to him. Breakup is bad but divorce is worst and on a young guy with no life experience, that will have huge impact on him. Do I want to deal with it? But of course not every brother has those issues. Again the question comes do I really want to find out the depth of his emotional damage

                    Maybe there wasnt an emotional damage? Or maybe it is because of his marriage breaking down that has turned him into a better person...
                    more humble? Or maybe he will appreciate his new wife more now that he has been been divorced (assuming his ex wife had bad character) or he will try his hardest with his new wife as he has already a "failed" marriage on his hands.

                    3) If a brother is married at young age, old enough to be looking for his 1st marriage, then I worry about his decision making skill. Is he just terrible at picking girl and if so I am another bad choose or has he learned his lesson?

                    Or maybe its what we call QadraAllah

                    I feel really weird dealing with this situation. I am usually reluctant to get to know a guy because i envision 101 problems before I even met him.
                    I think people should stop being so scared of "divorcees", it really isnt a big deal...its just something that can happen to any of us....today youre sat here telling us about this proposal, but who knows...5 years from now you could be divorced yourself (Allah forbid) so we should try being more understanding.

                    In shaa Allah, you should pray Istikhaara and stop stressing yourself over all these ifs :)
                    Allahumma innaa na'udhu bika min an nushrika bika shai-an na'lamuh; wa nastaghfiruka limaa laa na'lam

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                    • #11
                      Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                      My friends brother got married then went back to the country he was working, and in that time before rukhsiti there were a few misunderstandings, like he viewed her as his wife and she didnt like the way he talked to her, he thought she demanded too much stuff etc then before living together they got divorced,

                      i dont think either of them had any emotional baggage in this situation. the girl was only 16, and they were related as well.

                      Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                      (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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                      • #12
                        Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                        nice post, something i am struggling with at the moment,
                        the majority of sister I come across have a issue of how the family will accept me and my past, it truly makes me think is there really anyone?

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                        • #13
                          Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                          personally i don't see a problem with it at all. not all divorced guys are bad. some have married in the family and not happy. they usually think because it's in the family they have to make it work, but it's the biggest misconception, and when they realize that actually its better to be as far away as possible, i.e divorce then they can be free to marry those they feel is right. it's actually more problematic to remain in marriages with family members, from a lot of the cases you hear of. because then they start to form ties with you and interfere slowly, and the guy or the girl reports back different things because it's family, and the whole of his family and whole of her family integrate and basically the guy is the puppet with the strings. he has to break those strings, so to speak to be free to follow what Allah swt has given him the rights to choose and only then can the couple who are not related make decisions for themselves only.

                          other reasons are that, that the girl isn't happy and many other things. but you do your research for all guys whether single or not. you just have to do your bit including istikhara, and as long as he's not hung up on the previous girl, I don't mind.
                          DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                            I married a divorcee when I did get married,and I consider it a bad move from me now that I am divorced.

                            So you can answer the question for yourself whether it's the right thing to do.

                            It does not mean that all men that are divorced arent good people.you can find some great people that are divorced,but the marriage didn't work out.

                            It just depends on how much your going to question their previous marriage... And how open minded you are.
                            Like I said the first time I got married,by the way I've only been married once, wasn't the right move by me.i didn't dig deep enough into the past,I was just bit to casual about the whole divorce topic.

                            Oh some thing else I've just thought of,the first love is always your real first and true love.
                            So lol I was 2nds
                            Last edited by Optimistic; 24-07-12, 06:16 PM.
                            If Allah brings you to it,He will bring you through it.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Never married sisters: How do you feel about young divorced guy?

                              I have a lovely, and I mean an absolutely lovely, friend who got married a couple of years ago and divorced soon after. She's 21 and she's divorced, remarrying must be such a scary prospect for those in her position - may Allah make it easier for them. The divorce wasn't her fault, he turned out to be other than he presented himself as and if there was a Brother in her position where his wife was the one entirely at fault... then yes, provided everything else is as I want it to be, I would marry him and pray Allah blesses my decision.

                              Where its more complicated, it would depend on the reasoning; divorce is a serious matter, I expect it to have been taken seriously.

                              Originally posted by Kya View Post
                              As much as I try to be open minded, I often find myself not to be as open minded when I am facing the situation. When i see a brother with divorce status, I am reluctant to get to know him because:
                              1) What will people say? Even if my parents agree, there will be others making comment. Do I really want to hear all those for a guy I don’t know? Of course I will get to know him before marriage but do I really want to get to know him?

                              I couldn't care less what anyone says about him being divorced (i.e. specifically about this and not anything else about him, as that may be constructive criticism) if I am content with the prospect of marrying him.

                              2) Emotional damage his divorce brought to him. Breakup is bad but divorce is worst and on a young guy with no life experience, that will have huge impact on him. Do I want to deal with it? But of course not every brother has those issues. Again the question comes do I really want to find out the depth of his emotional damage

                              That comes with finding out about his character, thoughts, etc. now... So yes, I'd want to find out about the depth of his emotional damage. Idk, I just think people who have been through troubles can have the best of characters because Allah has tested them and Allah tests those whom He loves... tests build up character, strengthen your reliance on Allah, make you appreciate the good things in your life better, make you try harder, etc. Especially in a guy my age, most of them probably still have their mothers looking after them with them having to barely lift a hand, or ask for anything.

                              3) If a brother is married at young age, old enough to be looking for his 1st marriage, then I worry about his decision making skill. Is he just terrible at picking girl and if so I am another bad choose or has he learned his lesson?

                              Like Sam said, maybe it is the Qadr of Allah. My friend's case makes me wonder because she's very clever and decent, sometimes we're just taken in and don't realise... I'd want to know why he divorced though.

                              I feel really weird dealing with this situation. I am usually reluctant to get to know a guy because i envision 101 problems before I even met him.

                              If its meant to be, it will be... you can decide if you can be bothered to deal with these problems after a meeting or two, because some people are actually worth it.
                              Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
                              O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
                              We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

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