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Okay this is going to be long and a lot of this may just be me venting but I really don't think I have anywhere else to turn and I will be forever grateful if someone on here can help me out of my situation!
I'm a married woman, have 2 children, one son and one daughter. Son is 26, daughter is 24, both are financially stable and can support themselves. From the very beginning, we did our best to raise our children Islamically. Son went to a boys-only Islamic school, daughter went to a girls-only Islamic school. My daughter wore hijab since 12 years old, not because we made her (but we were about to have the talk anyways), but because she came home one day and said she wanted to wear it because she felt it would make her a better muslminah, I was so proud of her! She now teaches at the same all-girls Islamic school that she went to as a child.
About a month ago my husband and son were gone to work and I had left to go pick up groceries and visit my sick aunt. I told my daughter that I'd be back in about 3 hours. My aunt unfortunately was very sick by the time I got there and I was told that they were taking her to the hospital and that there was nothing I could do. They said they'd let me know when to visit later and it was best I went home and rested. I was a bit over an hour early when I got home. I took the bus so I didn't have a car I was pulling into the garage or anything. I opened the front door and heard the tv on. When I went into the living room I saw my daughter there with a boy, watching a movie and up all close with each other hugging!! Needless to say I was furious, stormed in front of them and started yelling at my daughter, asking who he was and what he was doing there. My daughter stood up, grabbed the boy by his arm, and before I had a chance to talk to him, rushed him out the door and told him to leave. After he left, she tried going up stairs to her room but I wouldn't let her. I threatened to tell her father when he got back if she didn't tell me everything right there and then. Turns out the boy was her boyfriend, and not only that but she had managed to keep him a secret for 5 years!! He's also a Sikh boy, non-practicing though which I think is even worse because he doesn't really care for God at all! Honeslty I thought that I was going to have a heart attack right there and then, I didn't know how to control my anger but alhamdulillah I somehow managed to control myself. Knowing what my husband would do to her if he found out, I promised her I would tell him nothing if she cut off all ties with the boy as soon as possible. She rushed up stairs and didn't come back out the rest of the day.
I finally managed to talk to her alone the next day and instead of getting an apology, I got the shock of my life when she declared to me that she intended on marrying this boy before the end of the summer!! I grabbed her and started shaking her asking her what on earth she was thinking, to please tell me that it was a joke but she didn't. She meant it.
I thought about telling my husband again, but I don't want him to hit my daughter. I want to keep my family together. She suggested to me to come meet the boy, and she eventually wore me down and got me to say yes. I promised myself that I would give the boy an ultimatum; either convert to Islam or leave my daughter alone, and if he refused either, I would tell my husband. I went alone with her about a week after I caught them in the house watching the movie. It was in a park, somewhere away from everyone else. I immediately started yelling at him (maybe not the best idea) and continued for what seemed like ages, telling him he was breaking my family, that my husband would have a heart attack, that he needed to accept Islam or leave my daughter alone. Now here's the part I wasn't expecting. It turns out that he is a really nice person, and I honestly mean this. I need help and lying isn't going to do me any good and I sincerely mean it when I say that he has amazing manners, a great personality and at the end of the day, a heart of gold. I can say this because I met him other times after that. We've tried finding a spouse for our daughter before, have met almost a dozen practicing brothers, and all of them seemed like very nice people, but this boy is second to none. He told me that he will spend his life loving my daughter, that he will put her before everyone else, that he would give his life for her, that he will never let her face any challenge alone because he will always be there, by her side, supporting her in everything she did. And hearing him say this made me cry, because I truly feel that he means it. Other than being close and hugging, they claim to have never kissed and have not slept together. He said she made that clear from the beginning and he had no problem with it. Said he would go a lifetime without sex if he could spend that lifetime with her.
When I asked him to convert, he said no. I begged and pleaded and offered to take him to the Mosque so he can learn more but he says he has already done all of that, at the beginning of the relationship. Says he outright does not agree with the teachings of Islam and cannot accept it, and what broke my heart even more is him telling me that any future children would be allowed to celebrate special Islamic holdays, but would not be raised as practicing Muslims.
I have tried absolutely everything to get my daughter to call this thing off but to no avail. She's a legal adult in the country and marriage is a private matter, the government condemns forcing your beliefs onto anyone else. I could cut her off financially and threaten to kick her out of the house but that wouldn't work either because she has her own job and could easily get her own place to live, or worse, go live with that boy. My wonderful daughter, who was always so eager to go to the Masjid and learn about the prophet, to wear the Hijab and be the best Muslimah possible, is today getting ready to marry a non-Muslim man. She still goes to the Masjid and does all those other things but HOW ON EARTH DOES SHE JUSTIFY MARRYING A NON-MUSLIM MAN!?!?!?!
But there is a part of me now that is doubting myself. I want my daughter to be able to marry this man, because I see the look in her eyes when he is around her and I also see the look in this boys eyes when he is with her and I have no doubt in my mind that they were made for each other. Call me crazy, but I believe in love, and if what these two kids have isn't love, then I don't know what it is. I think every girl has the dream of one day meeting her prince-charming, the guy she will spend her life with, who will love her more than anyone else in the world, and I truly do think that she has found that person. I always imagined him being a Muslim but this guy has all those qualities, and as a mother, I want my daughter to be happy, and I have never seen her happier than when she is with this boy.
Another thing, a lot of people have told me that "non-Muslim men want one thing and one thing only and once they get it they will leave". I would believe this if I hadn't seen the opposite to be true with my very own eyes. When I first moved to this country, my neighbors across the street were an old couple, Muslim lady with a Jewish husband. Been married enarly 60 years, had 4 kids and still loved each other very dearly. I do not know the details of how they came to be but there was apparently a lot of trouble from both sides of the family. At my job there is a Muslim lady who married an atheist guy a bit over 10 years ago, have 2 boys and a baby girl, and she claims that they are more in love now than when they got married. They too had a lot of trouble, unfortunately having to run away from home due to the girls side of the family threatening them both. I don't want this to be my daughters fate. Although I accept that there are bad non-Muslim men out there, there are also equally, if not more horrible "Muslim" men out there who treat their wives horribly, beat them and have emotionally destroyed them. I know a few such women at the Masjids, and it isn't ever pretty.
Why do I tell you this? Because after telling my husband (who thankfully didn't hit our daughter but was so mad that he didn't talk to her for a week and even cried), we went to go meet the boys family, to try and get them on our side and maybe get them to convince the boy that what he was doing was wrong and needed to stop it. It didn't work out though. But after meeting them a few times, I came to know that they are an amazing family, and I can see why I think so highly of the boy, his parents have obviously raised him well, and I see the way his father and mother get along, and if he and my daughter have a relationship anything like that then I will know that my daughter truly is with a man who will always be by her side and make her happy. I do not think that he is one of those "bad non-Muslim men who only want one thing", his family have taught him good morals despite him coming from a non-religious household.
Now 2 more things before I post:
Firstly, YOU DO NOT need to show me any hadith that tells me that Islam condemns this relationship. I Know 100% it is against the teachings of our religion and I accept it. If all you want to post is a hadith that shows that this is wrong, then don't waste your time.
Secondly, even though I think very highly of the boy, if there was any way of stopping this marriage, I would. But alas I feel I can do nothing. I only feel like giving in because legally I am unable to do anything in this country.
So I'm at a crossroads. Because this is Islamically wrong, I want to stop it. But this boy seems perfect, and being unable to legally do anything, I feel like allowing my daughter to do this.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, please let me know. How did you deal with it. If anyone has any advice at all, I would love to hear it.
I'm a married woman, have 2 children, one son and one daughter. Son is 26, daughter is 24, both are financially stable and can support themselves. From the very beginning, we did our best to raise our children Islamically. Son went to a boys-only Islamic school, daughter went to a girls-only Islamic school. My daughter wore hijab since 12 years old, not because we made her (but we were about to have the talk anyways), but because she came home one day and said she wanted to wear it because she felt it would make her a better muslminah, I was so proud of her! She now teaches at the same all-girls Islamic school that she went to as a child.
About a month ago my husband and son were gone to work and I had left to go pick up groceries and visit my sick aunt. I told my daughter that I'd be back in about 3 hours. My aunt unfortunately was very sick by the time I got there and I was told that they were taking her to the hospital and that there was nothing I could do. They said they'd let me know when to visit later and it was best I went home and rested. I was a bit over an hour early when I got home. I took the bus so I didn't have a car I was pulling into the garage or anything. I opened the front door and heard the tv on. When I went into the living room I saw my daughter there with a boy, watching a movie and up all close with each other hugging!! Needless to say I was furious, stormed in front of them and started yelling at my daughter, asking who he was and what he was doing there. My daughter stood up, grabbed the boy by his arm, and before I had a chance to talk to him, rushed him out the door and told him to leave. After he left, she tried going up stairs to her room but I wouldn't let her. I threatened to tell her father when he got back if she didn't tell me everything right there and then. Turns out the boy was her boyfriend, and not only that but she had managed to keep him a secret for 5 years!! He's also a Sikh boy, non-practicing though which I think is even worse because he doesn't really care for God at all! Honeslty I thought that I was going to have a heart attack right there and then, I didn't know how to control my anger but alhamdulillah I somehow managed to control myself. Knowing what my husband would do to her if he found out, I promised her I would tell him nothing if she cut off all ties with the boy as soon as possible. She rushed up stairs and didn't come back out the rest of the day.
I finally managed to talk to her alone the next day and instead of getting an apology, I got the shock of my life when she declared to me that she intended on marrying this boy before the end of the summer!! I grabbed her and started shaking her asking her what on earth she was thinking, to please tell me that it was a joke but she didn't. She meant it.
I thought about telling my husband again, but I don't want him to hit my daughter. I want to keep my family together. She suggested to me to come meet the boy, and she eventually wore me down and got me to say yes. I promised myself that I would give the boy an ultimatum; either convert to Islam or leave my daughter alone, and if he refused either, I would tell my husband. I went alone with her about a week after I caught them in the house watching the movie. It was in a park, somewhere away from everyone else. I immediately started yelling at him (maybe not the best idea) and continued for what seemed like ages, telling him he was breaking my family, that my husband would have a heart attack, that he needed to accept Islam or leave my daughter alone. Now here's the part I wasn't expecting. It turns out that he is a really nice person, and I honestly mean this. I need help and lying isn't going to do me any good and I sincerely mean it when I say that he has amazing manners, a great personality and at the end of the day, a heart of gold. I can say this because I met him other times after that. We've tried finding a spouse for our daughter before, have met almost a dozen practicing brothers, and all of them seemed like very nice people, but this boy is second to none. He told me that he will spend his life loving my daughter, that he will put her before everyone else, that he would give his life for her, that he will never let her face any challenge alone because he will always be there, by her side, supporting her in everything she did. And hearing him say this made me cry, because I truly feel that he means it. Other than being close and hugging, they claim to have never kissed and have not slept together. He said she made that clear from the beginning and he had no problem with it. Said he would go a lifetime without sex if he could spend that lifetime with her.
When I asked him to convert, he said no. I begged and pleaded and offered to take him to the Mosque so he can learn more but he says he has already done all of that, at the beginning of the relationship. Says he outright does not agree with the teachings of Islam and cannot accept it, and what broke my heart even more is him telling me that any future children would be allowed to celebrate special Islamic holdays, but would not be raised as practicing Muslims.
I have tried absolutely everything to get my daughter to call this thing off but to no avail. She's a legal adult in the country and marriage is a private matter, the government condemns forcing your beliefs onto anyone else. I could cut her off financially and threaten to kick her out of the house but that wouldn't work either because she has her own job and could easily get her own place to live, or worse, go live with that boy. My wonderful daughter, who was always so eager to go to the Masjid and learn about the prophet, to wear the Hijab and be the best Muslimah possible, is today getting ready to marry a non-Muslim man. She still goes to the Masjid and does all those other things but HOW ON EARTH DOES SHE JUSTIFY MARRYING A NON-MUSLIM MAN!?!?!?!
But there is a part of me now that is doubting myself. I want my daughter to be able to marry this man, because I see the look in her eyes when he is around her and I also see the look in this boys eyes when he is with her and I have no doubt in my mind that they were made for each other. Call me crazy, but I believe in love, and if what these two kids have isn't love, then I don't know what it is. I think every girl has the dream of one day meeting her prince-charming, the guy she will spend her life with, who will love her more than anyone else in the world, and I truly do think that she has found that person. I always imagined him being a Muslim but this guy has all those qualities, and as a mother, I want my daughter to be happy, and I have never seen her happier than when she is with this boy.
Another thing, a lot of people have told me that "non-Muslim men want one thing and one thing only and once they get it they will leave". I would believe this if I hadn't seen the opposite to be true with my very own eyes. When I first moved to this country, my neighbors across the street were an old couple, Muslim lady with a Jewish husband. Been married enarly 60 years, had 4 kids and still loved each other very dearly. I do not know the details of how they came to be but there was apparently a lot of trouble from both sides of the family. At my job there is a Muslim lady who married an atheist guy a bit over 10 years ago, have 2 boys and a baby girl, and she claims that they are more in love now than when they got married. They too had a lot of trouble, unfortunately having to run away from home due to the girls side of the family threatening them both. I don't want this to be my daughters fate. Although I accept that there are bad non-Muslim men out there, there are also equally, if not more horrible "Muslim" men out there who treat their wives horribly, beat them and have emotionally destroyed them. I know a few such women at the Masjids, and it isn't ever pretty.
Why do I tell you this? Because after telling my husband (who thankfully didn't hit our daughter but was so mad that he didn't talk to her for a week and even cried), we went to go meet the boys family, to try and get them on our side and maybe get them to convince the boy that what he was doing was wrong and needed to stop it. It didn't work out though. But after meeting them a few times, I came to know that they are an amazing family, and I can see why I think so highly of the boy, his parents have obviously raised him well, and I see the way his father and mother get along, and if he and my daughter have a relationship anything like that then I will know that my daughter truly is with a man who will always be by her side and make her happy. I do not think that he is one of those "bad non-Muslim men who only want one thing", his family have taught him good morals despite him coming from a non-religious household.
Now 2 more things before I post:
Firstly, YOU DO NOT need to show me any hadith that tells me that Islam condemns this relationship. I Know 100% it is against the teachings of our religion and I accept it. If all you want to post is a hadith that shows that this is wrong, then don't waste your time.
Secondly, even though I think very highly of the boy, if there was any way of stopping this marriage, I would. But alas I feel I can do nothing. I only feel like giving in because legally I am unable to do anything in this country.
So I'm at a crossroads. Because this is Islamically wrong, I want to stop it. But this boy seems perfect, and being unable to legally do anything, I feel like allowing my daughter to do this.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, please let me know. How did you deal with it. If anyone has any advice at all, I would love to hear it.
guide your daughter.
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