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What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

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  • #76
    Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

    I'm sure the vast majority of people still go to park and want that face to face interaction. Sis asiya said she talks to sisters in supermarket and waves to them on road etc. Like I spend time here while feeding my baby, or resting, to keep me away from tv or keep me awake etc, but I still meet up with friends, now I have them, or family every day, and make sure I take my kids out at least every other day in holidays and weekends. Social media helps me keep in contact with family on the other aide of the globe, as well as friends.
    Originally posted by QMU View Post
    Thats interesting. I've heared a lot of the opposite stories from relatives and people brought up in the 70's and 80's

    In their times, people used to actually go to the park every other day, play footy and cricket and whatnot. People used to travel miles and miles to visit families quite often. People would meet friends on a weekly basis etc

    Now its like, the barakah in our time has been snatched away from us, we have time to do nothing, everyones busy, got no time to meet etc, so hearing the above gives some pro'si guess. Imho, it makes people lazy to meet up. There are externals, everything you do today has a cost + bad finanical times + not many halal forms of entertainement etc. Theres quite a few things.

    I'm sure there have been surveys, and Im very sure, that as a result of these new technologies, face to face interaction has decreased hugely and people have become less sociable generally.

    Recipes for all the family :inlove:
    (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

    Comment


    • #77
      Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

      Originally posted by naila-k View Post
      That's true sis they have to move with the times, the next generation may have been a bit confused and apathetic.

      In my area the local community center is used for jummah despite there being many mosques and they have a simple screen to divide area for sisters. It all started with one man hiring the hall and advertising
      Personally I would reccomeend trying to start a halaqa in your house if you can. Put up notices in meat shops, and stand at the school gates and tell people, and have it at a time when kids are in school.

      As for your husband, does he feel as you do? Has he no friends? If this is the case it reflects on all of us, and is very hard to understand.

      Also London is a big place, it is easy to say there is so much going on, but the travel time is a big obstacle. What is going on in tayyibun etc in east is not really much use to a sister who lives far west, or south. Isoc events are not suitable for those with kids and sisters who don't go uni would feel uncomfortable to attend.

      who are we speaking about here.

      Im trying to put a kind of picture to this scenario. One sister cant attend play groups etc because she doesnt have children and another cant join in isoc events in because she has children.

      Its difficult to cater for every single person, and esp when its due to external reasons, travel + kids.etc

      What areas in London are we speaking off here?... muslim majority or not?.. south? north?

      Comment


      • #78
        Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

        Originally posted by naila-k View Post
        I'm sure the vast majority of people still go to park and want that face to face interaction. Sis asiya said she talks to sisters in supermarket and waves to them on road etc. Like I spend time here while feeding my baby, or resting, to keep me away from tv or keep me awake etc, but I still meet up with friends, now I have them, or family every day, and make sure I take my kids out at least every other day in holidays and weekends. Social media helps me keep in contact with family on the other aide of the globe, as well as friends.
        Im not saying its bad. Im saying as a result, people are less likely to go out. Go to your local parks after school, they should be packed. They are very rarely. Theres been quite a few studies(ill try to find some) where people are spending more time at home on social media + TV than they are out, interacting with people.

        Going park is one thing, but going every other day, going to visit family and friends on WEEKDAYS etc... thats a major difference from today and say 10-20 years ago.

        it has it pro's, but as a day to day thing, imo, it has led to a reduction in interaction.

        Comment


        • #79
          Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

          it also maybe easier if u have family in the country too, which we both dont because then u would meet other ppl through them, and if u wanted to meet up go places,or play football cricket meet up etc then u would be able to, but making freinds is that first difficult step and as muslims its obviously more difficult, because we dont have outside interests or go to places where in this country ppl traditionally meet others when they move in to new communities, ie: in the local pub or church.

          that first point of contact is whats needed and im sure if women in my area were able to go to the masjids then for example after jummah, or after islamic classes, u would get to know ppl meet ppl u could speak with and find out from locals whats going on in the area and involve yourself in that.
          Last edited by *asiya*; 27-05-12, 01:52 AM.
          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

          The Prophet :saw: said:

          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

          muslim

          Narrated 'Abdullah:

          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

          Comment


          • #80
            Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

            My park is packed after school, kids, teenagers, families, I walk through my park at least 4 times a day, it is always packed, unless its freezing or raining badly.
            I do see my friends on weekdays, but not family because no time after school is madrassa then dinner and bed for kids, and my family are not in walking distance and I don't drive. If i could walk I would go.

            Obviously, when i didnt have friends, or places to go with kids, i relied on social networking for a much larger proportion of ly interactions, but that was not as i chose it over friends. It is about the breakdown of traditional.communities leading to the creation of new communities, where you can interact with those you choose.

            Recipes for all the family :inlove:
            (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

            Comment


            • #81
              Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

              for example i was in a supermarket and there was a very elderly couple in there, she was probably about late 70`s, he was probably at least in his late 80`s and they were struggling to carry the basket, so he put it on a stack of cartons and the wife was walking brining one thing back to the basket and then off round the shop again, and i wanted to help and i went over and asked them do u need any help and he told me "no speak english" he coulding understand what i was saying, i said arabie ? he shook his head i asked if they have children, anyone to help them and i wanted to help them with their shopping take them home, i wanted to pick them up every week and take them shopping, but without a common language all i could do was go over and try to speak to his wife, who just looked at me like i was mad, and tell them salam and go. it still haunts me now that this old couple have no one to help them with their groceries and i had to just leave them struggle.

              i still think about them now so there are things i would love to be able to do, like for example, help the old ppl out, but clearly the this langauge issue is a problem.i even looked into getting a mini bus and driving it around to take the elderly shopping, or get their shopping but there is already a local council run service for this, and a specific asian speaking one for the asian elderly.
              Last edited by *asiya*; 27-05-12, 02:22 AM.
              "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

              The Prophet :saw: said:

              "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

              muslim

              Narrated 'Abdullah:

              The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


              "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

              By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

              [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

              Comment


              • #82
                Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                the first bolded part is not true in my experience, all my friends stay home, as do I, and do not lack in confidence, we still are involved in other activities but not full time work.

                what are these things that are neccessary for development?
                i don't know why you feel the need to dispute with me. these are sociological stats. the fact is it is like i've said, it is mixed. and 'MOST' stay at homes are due to this, not just based on a handful of personal acquaintances. my original statement however is that who wouldn't want to work when there are financial pressures. these are well known facts that people, especially new couples struggle, and both partner to stand their own ground.
                DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

                Comment


                • #83
                  Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                  Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                  ​​
                  exactly! you answered your own questions so there are things a woman can do in her house and those woman are not lazy. :up:
                  ☝🏻️اللهمَّ لك الحمد حتى ترضى، ولك الحمد إذا رضيت، ولك الحمد بعد الرضا

                  Comment


                  • #84
                    Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                    Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                    I did all of this, and it didnt work, compounded by the fact I dont drive and had young kids so hard for me to travel.
                    Plenty of acquaintances, but no friends who i could invite, or we could go park together, have halaqas together etc
                    naila I agree with young children and limited travel it will be more difficult to do this. however in asiyas case or other ladies whose children are all grown up/ not need of mothering and can drive they won't have this obstacle.

                    Also you made a really interesting point where you said 'I went to all thes eplaces but never made any friends but maybe my shyness and lack of confidence encouraged this.' I do think that a big art of it is how we approach things. If we approach with the mindset that it will end negatively from the offset then most likely that is how it will end. we may have to step out of our comfort zones for a bit or soacialise in ways we haven't before/ don't want to to gain the initial freiendship and attention of another.

                    Like someone else posted, it is sad because face to face communication is dying out rapidly so sometimes its not the case that no one wants to be your friend but that people have forgotten how to communicate in this manner thus when faced with someone smiling, saying hellp,, saying come round for tea etc etc people just close up and move on because they don't know how to deal with this type of direct face communication.

                    asiya, please let me know what area you are in I will help you find out of anyc lasses/ masjids etc in your area.
                    What does 'freedom' mean?

                    Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
                    Restricted by the sky?

                    Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
                    Not enough river to explore?

                    Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
                    but death for the fish,

                    The sea is wide for the fish
                    but will engulf the bird.

                    We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
                    We can only express our nature as it was created.

                    The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
                    freedom from slavery to other than the One,
                    Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
                    and a horizon that extends to the next life,
                    Yet we chose the prison and call it freedom.

                    “All our handling of the child will bear fruit, not only at the moment, but in the adult they are destined to become.” Donate today! http://campaign.justgiving.com/chari...iyahschool2015

                    Comment


                    • #85
                      Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                      alhamdulillah, i have invited many sisters, given my number out to so many sisters i have met, when i start counting it gets to well over 40 ppl, and i am freindly and always speak to ppl, even random strangers in the street, i was recently in hospital and went out of my way to speak with ppl, talk to the ladies there about islam, educate the staff about muslims, and make the food manager for the hospital and the cooks who provide the food, understand what halal food is, and that halal does not mean curry in various forms, so none of that could be said of me, i am in the process of providing them example of recipies that could be served to muslims instead of chilli filled curry as its not suitable for all muslims, as like me they may have stomach problems, so for sure im not someone who lacks confidence or is negative. im into my 13th year as a muslim and im still ploughing on as a muslim, trying to do dawah whereever i go, trying to reach people in positive ways.

                      i have checked my local area for classes thanks for the offer, but theres nothing u could do that i havent already done, many of them are sufi orientated masjids even when i go as far as the next town, and u know im not into all that, i wouldnt go learn deen from sufis, i know ur into all that but its not my thing. The nearest non sufi masjid is one and a half hours away and i do go there sometimes, buy some books, and sit in the masjid chat to any sisters i can, and i met some sisters but i was told that ppl there arent keen to speak to strangers as there have been spies sent there to make problems for the muslims so even with that aside, as Anna was saying sometimes people already have their freinds family and what they "need" so theyre not keen to make room for anyone new.

                      Also obviously some younger sisters are not going to want to hang out with someone their mothers age, or older, i met one sister and shes alone too, and i offered to drive the whole way there and come get her, go here and there, take her out and do stuff but she always cancelled when we made plans, shes very young, younger than my children, so maybe she doesnt want to hang out with me Allahu alam, shes very nice mashaAllah, but i can understand that. so i have tried, im not sitting here moaning for the sake of it without having made an effort, i do make an effort when eid comes i go out to the local park for salat, and hang around the ladies tent and try speaking to pp, but again the language is in my experience has been a barrier. i did find some Quran classes but its a good drive away, and its doesnt finish till 10pm at night, which is too late to be walking the streets of london alone to ur car once u have found somewhere to park.

                      As Anna said its not easy, and im not the only one experiencing this, Naila has experienced this too, so its not an uncommon experience, and its not due to lack of effort.
                      Last edited by *asiya*; 27-05-12, 09:38 AM.
                      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                      The Prophet :saw: said:

                      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                      muslim

                      Narrated 'Abdullah:

                      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                      Comment


                      • #86
                        Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                        there are of course solutions, and theyre very simple ones. english should be the common language spoken in the masjids, as everyone in this country will need english at some point, so it will benefit not only those attending the masjids, but it will benefit people outside of the masjids like that poor elderly couple who dont have any help with the shopping because they cant make themselves understood.

                        women and children should have an area they can go and gather in the masjids, and there should be a change in the leadership of the masjids, with english speaking imams,khutbahs in arabic and english,and masjid comittees having people from all walks of life, and from all nationalities, and who all speak the local language, and they can better meet the needs of the whole community, not just a portion of it.

                        and i am looking at solutions, i have already tried to rent a shop to make a buisness with the main intention that its a meeting place for sisters, but it had already been bought by the masjid next door, so i am making an effort to change things for the better of the muslims in my community insha Allah. if we cant meet in the masjids, then we need somewhere public where everyone can feel welcome, and at ease insha Allah, as not everyone wants to go into someones home to meet. insha Allah i will keep looking for the right premises and continue to find a solution to these issues insha Allah.
                        Last edited by *asiya*; 27-05-12, 10:32 AM.
                        "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                        The Prophet :saw: said:

                        "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                        muslim

                        Narrated 'Abdullah:

                        The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                        "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                        By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                        [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                        Comment


                        • #87
                          Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                          Originally posted by Nashmya Imtiaz View Post
                          i don't know why you feel the need to dispute with me. these are sociological stats. the fact is it is like i've said, it is mixed. and 'MOST' stay at homes are due to this, not just based on a handful of personal acquaintances. my original statement however is that who wouldn't want to work when there are financial pressures. these are well known facts that people, especially new couples struggle, and both partner to stand their own ground.
                          What stats, present the data so we can see it, we would need to know who was surveyed, where, when the general level of confidence in that area etc.

                          Start a poll and see how many sahm are because of lack of confidence, do it here, or on parenting website, and you will see this is not true for the majority of sahms of our generation. We see sahm as valid choice.

                          As for who wouldn't want to work when struggling, plenty, we would rather stay with kids.

                          Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                          (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                          Comment


                          • #88
                            Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                            Originally posted by ze leetle elper View Post
                            naila I agree with young children and limited travel it will be more difficult to do this. however in asiyas case or other ladies whose children are all grown up/ not need of mothering and can drive they won't have this obstacle.

                            Also you made a really interesting point where you said 'I went to all thes eplaces but never made any friends but maybe my shyness and lack of confidence encouraged this.' I do think that a big art of it is how we approach things. If we approach with the mindset that it will end negatively from the offset then most likely that is how it will end. we may have to step out of our comfort zones for a bit or soacialise in ways we haven't before/ don't want to to gain the initial freiendship and attention of another.

                            Like someone else posted, it is sad because face to face communication is dying out rapidly so sometimes its not the case that no one wants to be your friend but that people have forgotten how to communicate in this manner thus when faced with someone smiling, saying hellp,, saying come round for tea etc etc people just close up and move on because they don't know how to deal with this type of direct face communication.

                            asiya, please let me know what area you are in I will help you find out of anyc lasses/ masjids etc in your area.
                            you know when your a revert and you revert in twenties, you have to change everything, the way you walk, the way you stand, the way you talk, the language you use, your interests, and your friends. Can you truly imagine that? Like I spent from 11 to 21 learning and perfecting acting in a certain way, buy when I reverted, it wasn't appropriate any more. The whole being muslim, wearing hijab etc was out of my comfort zone, going to Masjid and events was out of my comfort zone. I think I have described before how I reverted in shop as was a bit apprehensive of Masjid. I had never made friends in this sort of environment before. And of course I didn't attend negatively, until this day when I attend an event I am genuinely excited, and to this day where I am a lot more confident, if I go on my own and try to meet sisters, get involved etc it doesn't work out.

                            Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                            (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                            Comment


                            • #89
                              Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                              Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                              What stats, present the data so we can see it, we would need to know who was surveyed, where, when the general level of confidence in that area etc.

                              Start a poll and see how many sahm are because of lack of confidence, do it here, or on parenting website, and you will see this is not true for the majority of sahms of our generation. We see sahm as valid choice.

                              As for who wouldn't want to work when struggling, plenty, we would rather stay with kids.
                              Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                              What stats, present the data so we can see it, we would need to know who was surveyed, where, when the general level of confidence in that area etc.

                              Start a poll and see how many sahm are because of lack of confidence, do it here, or on parenting website, and you will see this is not true for the majority of sahms of our generation. We see sahm as valid choice.

                              As for who wouldn't want to work when struggling, plenty, we would rather stay with kids.

                              here are a few, but there's plenty more, you can look yourself. if you choose to do it outside of this, then good for you. however, just saying, this is the stats and nothing wrong with a woman working. Hazrat Khadijah (ra) was a successful business woman, who employed our beloved prophet (saw).

                              http://www.gallup.com/poll/153995/st...er-income.aspx

                              http://suite101.com/article/helping-...idence-a247400

                              (blog relevant to this topic) http://www.circleofmoms.com/stay-at-...-school-464958

                              http://blog.imperfectparent.com/2012...e-resurrected/

                              when i get married isA, i will eork with my husband what is best, but i would at least keep the options open to work, when he's struggleing right now with the current economic status. personally, i believe that she should prioritize home first, however, one of the biggest reasons why they cannot get a job, is apart from lack of experience is confidence, lack of relevant education, recession, understanding of culture and society so on and so forth. kids will be exposed to this though, and if the mother has no understanding of this, then how can she support the kids, in a non Muslim country without knowledge of what's going on outside of her home. one of the biggest problems we face is generation divide.

                              no thanks, you wanna start a poll, you can do that. i don't need to prove myself to you, but I have no opinion either way.

                              http://opus.bath.ac.uk/25919/

                              http://minnesota.publicradio.org/dis...uter_marriage/

                              http://www.americanprogress.org/issu...employment.pdf

                              http://www.americanprogress.org/issu...mployment.html

                              and the UKs in recession again!
                              DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

                              Comment


                              • #90
                                Re: What should a woman be doing while older kids are at school?

                                The percentage of mothers who are employed rises from 48% among those with no college education to 66% of those with some college experience, 75% of those with a college degree, and 84% of those with postgraduate education. By contrast, the large majority of men with children are employed regardless of their educational background, including 76% of those with no college education and 94% of those with postgraduate education.


                                this shows women are less likely to be employed then men and the more education you have, the more likely you are to be employed, not that:
                                most women who stay a home do so out of lack of confidence and skills
                                not having a college education doesnt mean you dont have employable skills, such as cleaning, cooking, waitressing, tailoring, driving, etc

                                and the article glosses over lifestyle choice, and the different approaches to child raising but admits "
                                Women's lifestyle preferences may also play a role, as separate Gallup polling has found
                                U.S. women closely divided
                                over whether they would prefer to work or stay home and take care of their house and family if they were free to do either. Gallup's most recent data on this, from 2008, find 52% of women preferring to work and 45% preferring the more domestic lifestyle. By contrast, men favor working over staying home by 74% to 23%."

                                which shows, despite education etc 45% of women prefer this lifestyle if they can have it, although this study shows only 14% of women that have a child under 18 dont work.

                                I also feel that the category of having a child under 18 is too broad, and the study would be better if it differentiated between sahms with different age kids, such as under 5s' although a high percentage of those women with postgrad qualifications go to work with a child under 18, how many go to work with a child under 5? or under 10?

                                Anyway this survey was in US, so in the UK it may be different
                                http://www.gallup.com/poll/153995/st...er-income.aspx

                                the bath one which is only uk one, i need a password to view.

                                Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                                (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                                Comment

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