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Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

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  • Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

    Assalamu alaikum,

    I've recently joined the forum, but haven't gotten involved in posting just yet - trying to get a feel for the site at the moment.

    I'm posting here for advice about a proposal mainly because I don't really have any elders to turn for advice, Alhamdulillah I have parents but my dad has been abroad and kind of out of the picture for a few years, and my mum bless her is really naive and not really used to taking decisions or judging people's characters. I also have older brothers, but again they don't now much when it comes to arranging marriages (one of theirs was a love marriage, and the other was to a cousin) but Alhamdulillah one of them is trying his best to fulfil the role of mahram/wali in the absence of my dad.

    The proposal I've received is from someone visiting the UK on a student visa (where I have lived all my life) I'll try and go through the positives and negatives in order.

    Positives - the main thing that got me interested was the fact that his family say he prays five times a day and has good character. He is reasonably well educated, has attended university for two years back home but didn't complete the degree. My brother has seen him briefly before the proposal came, and describes him as average in appearance, which would be fine for me as I'm not necessarily that attractive myself. He would also be willing to relocate to the city where I live (he currently lives appx 2 hours away by car) which would be really helpful to me in allowing me to help take care of my mum who has health issues.

    Negatives - The main negative is that his visa runs out end of June, his family say they have applied for an extension, but from speaking to others I know it usually isn't granted. Also, he comes from a relatively poor family, they are just about self sufficient but do require assistance from time to time. His immediate family still live back home, but his aunt and cousins live in the UK. This makes me worry that he will have trouble supporting me as well his family (his brother is disabled so he is the only son capable of supporting his parents) This is coupled with the fact that he can only really work in his cousins take away, which doesn't pay very well. His family have suggested that we could live in my mum's house or his cousin's house - which is a real turn off in my opinion.

    I'm not too materialistic - I'd be happy with a rented two bed house or flat, done up to a basic standard and not too lavish. However, considering he will be on less than minimum wage, and he may need to send money back home possibly regularly, and his family are suggesting he would move in to my mum's house - I think he wouldn't be able to manage even my basic wants. However, I am pulled by the fact that he prays, is interested in deen, and has a good character.

    I have prayed istikhara, but I keep swinging in terms of my feelings about the proposal. Sometimes, I think that it's really difficult to find someone with even basic level of deen and character, and that I shouldn't reject someone based on material things (surely in a few years time his financial situation would have improved) Then I think there are too many cases of visa hunters leaving their spouses and sometimes even children once they've get their indefinite leave.

    I finally decided to be open minded and give the proposal a chance and meet him (although I did kind of feel pressured to 'at least meet him') so the meeting will be later this week. When I think about the meeting now, I get knots in my stomach and I have half a mind to cancel it. I don't know if this is just a normal kind of anxiety because I've never had a proposal before so I don't know.

    I'm sorry I've been so long winded, I'm sure I've still managed to miss some stuff out. I'd most appreciate advice from people who have been in a similar situation, and elders/experienced members

    Jazakallah khayran

  • #2
    Re: Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

    :wswrwb: ur brother should go hang out with him in his area, meet his freinds etc, this is the role of the wali to know the one who is proposing as it is a big responsability for ur brother before Allah, in regard to who he trusts with your care in marriage.

    if u are concerned about the visa issue, then say u will marry him after june in his country and live there with him, if hes up for that then its u he wants and not the visa.

    also get ur brother to check into how he found out about u, ie: what is it about you as a person that draws him to propose marriage to you. ( that will also rule out the visa issue insha Allah)

    most of all pray istikarah, and if its right then it will all go smoothly and u will have no problems or doubts, also make sure u do actually sit with him and see him before u agree to marry him, pictures dont show u what a person is like, and u should like to be in his company and feel comfortable with him as a person, his mannerisims etc.
    Last edited by *asiya*; 21-05-12, 11:10 AM.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet :saw: said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

      Originally posted by newbie87 View Post
      However, I am pulled by the fact that he prays, is interested in deen, and has a good character.
      :salams sister, seems like the part that interests you the most is the above and your entire decision is based on that. MashaAllah, it is a very good thing that you are giving priority to deen. But how do you know that he prays 5 times and in interested in deen? Is it because he told you so? I am not trying to scare you or anything but I come from a big family and we have seen men who claim to be religious just to get married to someone they want. This is not always the case but many times it is. I suggest you find out more about this brother and his family from trustworthy sources. Don't just take their word for it.

      And like sister asiya said, meet this person in presence of your mahram and try to find out more.

      make lots of dua and have faith in Allah swt.

      wasalaam

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

        Walaikum salaam,

        Sorry it took a while to respond to your replies.

        I'm still feeling quite confused but I'm trying to clear my head and wait until the face to face meeting.

        Thank you so much for the advice, it's good to be able to talk to people about this. So far I haven't spoken to any friends about it, because I don't want to get ahead of myself and want to see how things work out.

        sister *asiya* - unfortunately my brother isn't able to to take time off work to go to his area especially as it is far away, and he is working 2 jobs to support his family. Alhamdulillah he has taken the time to speak to speak to the cousins who bought the proposal to us (who are actually very pious with all of their kids in madrassah etc) He's also spoken to a childhood friend of the guy who also said that he is a deen conscious person.
        - I have been praying istikharah, but I am by nature a really indecisive person, so I keep swinging in my attitude to the proposal.
        - As far as knowing why he bought the proposal, I've been told it's basically the fact that I'm practising (there is room for improvement as with everyone, but Alhamdulillah I do the basics) The cousins explained that they suggested me to the guy because of this and because of my personality (they know me mostly through my mum who goes to a taleem gathering run by the eldest cousin's wife) However, I know that the visa issue would have been a main factor. I just want to somehow be sure that it's not the only factor.

        sister mahua -me and my brother had this exact discussion yesterday, that really we can't gauge how religious/practising someone is from such a distance - we can only really go by the word of his extended family and childhood friend.

        The only independent(ish) source we have is the mother in law of his cousin who basically repeats what the others have said.

        The problem I have is that I know that people are often reluctant to be completely honest when it comes to speaking about someone connected to their family. Also with my dad not being around I feel as though maybe people sense my vulnerability, and I might be paranoid but it's a possibility that people will try to take advantage.

        Inshallah both families will meet later this week (I'm already feeling nervous)

        Can anyone please give me tips as to what to look out for in the meeting in terms of mannerisms etc?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

          Wa alaykumus salam,

          Aren't there any local brothers that pray 5 times a day and are into deen?

          Like you say how's he going to support you?

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Proposal advice needed especially from older, more experienced members (please)

            marriage is not a small thing u cant just marry your sister off to a man u never even hung out with, you have to make time to find out about him from his freinds, ppl who know him, because familiy references from his side of course are going to be good. The prophet :saw: forbade muslim women from marrying harsh or miserly men, u need to know about his character. most of all dont fall in love with the idea of being married, make sure that ur wali does his homework, its ur whole life on the line, and u need to make the right decision.
            "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

            The Prophet :saw: said:

            "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

            muslim

            Narrated 'Abdullah:

            The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


            "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

            By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

            [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

            Comment

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