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Abusive husbands !!

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  • Habibi27
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    I guess this question can be asked about any number of things we humans are faulty for. Here is an article I liked:

    Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid



    source: Islam-QA.com
    Courtesy of: Habibi Matrimonials

    Leave a comment:


  • Jigsaw
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Maybe this is a Western problem? And of course you are generalising and hating on women too much.

    Because Islam is pretty clear on the fact that a man ought to provide and care for his wife. So a Muslim woman marries someone who can support her and a Muslim man readies himself to support his future wife.

    He could be rich or not. Pretty irrelevant.

    But financial support must be had. Tis Islam.

    Originally posted by RX-78-2
    women get into abusive relationships because they care less about character and more about financial readiness or looks/race etc. It's as old as time itself. I have no sympathy for them.
    Last edited by Jigsaw; 23-05-12, 11:55 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Jigsaw
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
    Interesting post. Another thing is when women get depressed or have emotional issues, they tend to internalize it and withdraw. Men tend to externalize it, become more aggressive and angry.

    Depression in women: sadness, withdraw, blaming self

    Depression in men: anger, putting more importance on social status, blaming others

    Statistically depression is higher in women, but symptoms normally associated with depression express themselves more in women, and in men they express themselves totally different.
    Our gender behaviors and reactions really mold society, always wondered why men could get away with such blatant expressions and not be condemned to hell. But it really something a woman by nature would never do.

    I feel these are correct descriptions. In our primal forms humans can be so destructive, and in a way Allah made us this way, but then he gave us awareness, control and social codes.

    As a woman myself, I do find that I do become silent when depressed and angry. I totally withdraw because I don't want to hurt anyway, as I am very capable then. I've also long ago broken the cycle where I blame myself. I don't lol ever. Because in most cases I'm not to be blamed & if I am I cut myself some slack and just be kind to myself, because mistakes we make them all.

    Did you know that it is a trait of both men and women to join their internal feelings with others. Men find this a burden and get even more angry at the person and women tend to blame themselves only and take the burden willingly.

    True independence, is of the mind.

    Not circumstances.
    Last edited by Jigsaw; 23-05-12, 11:48 AM.

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  • abubakarbristol
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by RX-78-2
    women get into abusive relationships because they care less about character and more about financial readiness or looks/race etc. It's as old as time itself. I have no sympathy for them.
    Sadly this is not necessarily true.

    Of course there are women who care more about looks and finance but there are many good women and families taken in by a pious exterior only to find something completely different is lurking underneath.

    Leave a comment:


  • Hannahk92
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by RX-78-2
    women get into abusive relationships because they care less about character and more about financial readiness or looks/race etc. It's as old as time itself. I have no sympathy for them.
    You have no right to say that.. you do not know their intention. A lot of women care about character, the man might act all nice in the process but once that nikah is done... he changes.

    Leave a comment:


  • BROTHEROFIslam
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    sister muslimah

    i stated other reasons as well lol...

    i was jus sayin that forced marriage is probably major reason

    Leave a comment:


  • Soliloquy
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by Umm_Hanzalah View Post
    They tend to be people who are insecure about themselves in combination with viewing women as objects or property. They dont see women as humans with feelings emotions and thoughts and act as if those things don.t exist. They will then blame their wife or women for their behaviour and fail to take responsibility for their own actions...like "you made me angry, thats why i did it, next time dont make me angry". These type of men whose wife stays with him tends to be manipultive. So sometimes there will be moments when he is nice and then when he gets what he wants, reverts back to abuse. The poor woman (remember this is her husband so she is emotionally involved) thinks if he is nice sometimes then maybe its my fault and she tries harder to please him whilst he sees it as a greenlight for further abuse.
    I think that's a good summary. Pathetic little men, tbh. If people know they have issues like this, why on earth do they get married? They should sort themselves out first! Then again, if something wasn't already wrong with them, then the issue wouldn't arise...

    Originally posted by RX-78-2
    That's pretty rare and in those cases they're always free to leave but rarely do. Most of the trashy men I've met who have spouses or gfs tended to have warning signs for their behaviour. Quite often it was just plain blatant. I've found nice men who didn't brag or show off tend to be overlooked by women. Don't be so surprised that a loud mouth or some pakistani foreigner just clocked you in the jaw.
    I think you missed the part about how manipulative some of these men can be - you see, they're pathetic people, they probably put a face on outside but become abusive at home. I just really hate it when someone's looking to get married and the female members of the family know their son/brother is abusive but won't tell you and let you get married thinking he's a great person - because, honestly, how much interaction can you get with him beforehand?

    Leave a comment:


  • inprogress
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by Jigsaw View Post
    It's always insecurity, low self esteem, power and ego.

    If a man feels inferior, he punishes himself, and he's horrible to himself.

    If a man is horrible to himself, and allows this self hate, he is very capable of being horrible to others.

    In his self hate, a man loses the plot and abuses other people close to him to relieve his pain.

    Because people who are close to him will say things and do things that make him blame them for the negative way he feels about himself.

    If a man hates himself, anger is his closest ally.

    If a wife casually says "Kabir you forgot to buy the jam again! Why do you forget! I told you! Ah forget it I'll go myself"

    The husband who has low self esteem, feel insecure, will argue with their wives for insinuating they are crap. And if the man truly believes he is crap man himself he will use everything in his power to be master over her to heal his ego.

    This is where violence and verbal abuse can enter.

    Women can be the same way, but Allah forced us to be more aware of our actions than he did for men. This is because women give birth to children, by default we are generally aware of others. (small print: some women are evil too but domestic violence is a massively male dominated issue worldwide)

    I'm no expert, but I do ask the same question myself, and my reflections are the above.
    Interesting post. Another thing is when women get depressed or have emotional issues, they tend to internalize it and withdraw. Men tend to externalize it, become more aggressive and angry.

    Depression in women: sadness, withdraw, blaming self

    Depression in men: anger, putting more importance on social status, blaming others

    Statistically depression is higher in women, but symptoms normally associated with depression express themselves more in women, and in men they express themselves totally different.

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslimah3000
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by deen1984 View Post
    it can also be the other way round. one time I stayed at sisters place, and I could not sleep all night because I could hear a man screaming, getting beat up by his wife lol on ground floor. it was exam season, so i wrote a nice letter and put it through their door telling them to shut up. now they hate my sister other time the guy drove into a wall trying to kill his wife, but only the car got wrecked.
    Astaghfirullah !!

    Leave a comment:


  • deen1984
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    it can also be the other way round. one time I stayed at sisters place, and I could not sleep all night because I could hear a man screaming, getting beat up by his wife lol on ground floor. it was exam season, so i wrote a nice letter and put it through their door telling them to shut up. now they hate my sister other time the guy drove into a wall trying to kill his wife, but only the car got wrecked.

    Leave a comment:


  • Muslimah3000
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by BROTHEROFIslam View Post
    the biggest reason for Allah women abuse is
    FORCED MARRIAGE, BECAUSE THEY GOT MARRIED TO SOME ONE WHOM THEY DISLIKE
    May Allah guide our brothers and protect our sisters Ameen :)
    Not necessarly, many husbands abuse their wives, and you find out later that they liked each other before mariage, and even been boyfriend girlfriend type of thing, such as in western cultures, and people who aren't muslims, they live ages together before mariage, and the husband starts abusing his wife later on, same in the muslim society, they might know each other before mariage, and after mariage, the husband becomes a monster, after being a quiet cat before mariage, and starts abusing his wife for a reason or another, so it's not always because of arranged mariages.
    Last edited by Muslimah3000; 22-05-12, 03:36 PM.

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  • Jigsaw
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    It's always insecurity, low self esteem, power and ego.

    If a man feels inferior, he punishes himself, and he's horrible to himself.

    If a man is horrible to himself, and allows this self hate, he is very capable of being horrible to others.

    In his self hate, a man loses the plot and abuses other people close to him to relieve his pain.

    Because people who are close to him will say things and do things that make him blame them for the negative way he feels about himself.

    If a man hates himself, anger is his closest ally.

    If a wife casually says "Kabir you forgot to buy the jam again! Why do you forget! I told you! Ah forget it I'll go myself"

    The husband who has low self esteem, feel insecure, will argue with their wives for insinuating they are crap. And if the man truly believes he is crap man himself he will use everything in his power to be master over her to heal his ego.

    This is where violence and verbal abuse can enter.

    Women can be the same way, but Allah forced us to be more aware of our actions than he did for men. This is because women give birth to children, by default we are generally aware of others. (small print: some women are evil too but domestic violence is a massively male dominated issue worldwide)

    I'm no expert, but I do ask the same question myself, and my reflections are the above.
    Last edited by Jigsaw; 22-05-12, 03:32 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Umm_Hanzalah
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    No one wants to be with an abusive apouse even if he has wealth and looks. Like i sad before these type of guys tend to be emtionally manipulative, he puts his wife down all the time and makes her feel worthless cos at times he is nice so she thinks she needs to work harder to get his approval. Its not easy. It often takes physical and emotional distance to see him for what he really is. And yes above all abusive spouses do not fear Allah.
    Last edited by Umm_Hanzalah; 22-05-12, 09:22 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • aadil77
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by x--x View Post
    Low self-esteem and the need to exercise power over a weaker person. I doubt it's a temper problem as put the same person infront of a man stronger than him and watch him shiver.
    true, once another man gets involved the whimp settles down

    Leave a comment:


  • Rememberer
    replied
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    I know a man who is often quite verbally abusive to his wife. The first time I witnessed it, I felt so bad for the lady that I wanted to pretend that I didn't hear, just to spare her the embarrassment, but then I realised that she was so accustomed to it,that she accepted it. In fact, once she used an instance of her husband cursing her, as an example to explain how marriage works...subhanallah. I felt so sorry for her, that she kept making excuses for her husband's attitude.

    The fact is,he is an owner/manager of a company where he bosses people around all day, so he goes home and does it to his wife and full grown kids.

    Leave a comment:

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