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Abusive husbands !!

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  • #31
    Re: Abusive husbands !!

    Originally posted by BROTHEROFIslam View Post
    the biggest reason for Allah women abuse is
    FORCED MARRIAGE, BECAUSE THEY GOT MARRIED TO SOME ONE WHOM THEY DISLIKE
    May Allah guide our brothers and protect our sisters Ameen :)
    Not necessarly, many husbands abuse their wives, and you find out later that they liked each other before mariage, and even been boyfriend girlfriend type of thing, such as in western cultures, and people who aren't muslims, they live ages together before mariage, and the husband starts abusing his wife later on, same in the muslim society, they might know each other before mariage, and after mariage, the husband becomes a monster, after being a quiet cat before mariage, and starts abusing his wife for a reason or another, so it's not always because of arranged mariages.
    Last edited by Muslimah3000; 22-05-12, 02:36 PM.

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    • #32
      Re: Abusive husbands !!

      it can also be the other way round. one time I stayed at sisters place, and I could not sleep all night because I could hear a man screaming, getting beat up by his wife lol on ground floor. it was exam season, so i wrote a nice letter and put it through their door telling them to shut up. now they hate my sister other time the guy drove into a wall trying to kill his wife, but only the car got wrecked.
      Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

      -Quran (57:20)

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      • #33
        Re: Abusive husbands !!

        Originally posted by deen1984 View Post
        it can also be the other way round. one time I stayed at sisters place, and I could not sleep all night because I could hear a man screaming, getting beat up by his wife lol on ground floor. it was exam season, so i wrote a nice letter and put it through their door telling them to shut up. now they hate my sister other time the guy drove into a wall trying to kill his wife, but only the car got wrecked.
        Astaghfirullah !!

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        • #34
          Re: Abusive husbands !!

          Originally posted by Jigsaw View Post
          It's always insecurity, low self esteem, power and ego.

          If a man feels inferior, he punishes himself, and he's horrible to himself.

          If a man is horrible to himself, and allows this self hate, he is very capable of being horrible to others.

          In his self hate, a man loses the plot and abuses other people close to him to relieve his pain.

          Because people who are close to him will say things and do things that make him blame them for the negative way he feels about himself.

          If a man hates himself, anger is his closest ally.

          If a wife casually says "Kabir you forgot to buy the jam again! Why do you forget! I told you! Ah forget it I'll go myself"

          The husband who has low self esteem, feel insecure, will argue with their wives for insinuating they are crap. And if the man truly believes he is crap man himself he will use everything in his power to be master over her to heal his ego.

          This is where violence and verbal abuse can enter.

          Women can be the same way, but Allah forced us to be more aware of our actions than he did for men. This is because women give birth to children, by default we are generally aware of others. (small print: some women are evil too but domestic violence is a massively male dominated issue worldwide)

          I'm no expert, but I do ask the same question myself, and my reflections are the above.
          Interesting post. Another thing is when women get depressed or have emotional issues, they tend to internalize it and withdraw. Men tend to externalize it, become more aggressive and angry.

          Depression in women: sadness, withdraw, blaming self

          Depression in men: anger, putting more importance on social status, blaming others

          Statistically depression is higher in women, but symptoms normally associated with depression express themselves more in women, and in men they express themselves totally different.
          Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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          • #35
            Re: Abusive husbands !!

            Originally posted by Umm_Hanzalah View Post
            They tend to be people who are insecure about themselves in combination with viewing women as objects or property. They dont see women as humans with feelings emotions and thoughts and act as if those things don.t exist. They will then blame their wife or women for their behaviour and fail to take responsibility for their own actions...like "you made me angry, thats why i did it, next time dont make me angry". These type of men whose wife stays with him tends to be manipultive. So sometimes there will be moments when he is nice and then when he gets what he wants, reverts back to abuse. The poor woman (remember this is her husband so she is emotionally involved) thinks if he is nice sometimes then maybe its my fault and she tries harder to please him whilst he sees it as a greenlight for further abuse.
            I think that's a good summary. Pathetic little men, tbh. If people know they have issues like this, why on earth do they get married? They should sort themselves out first! Then again, if something wasn't already wrong with them, then the issue wouldn't arise...

            Originally posted by RX-78-2
            That's pretty rare and in those cases they're always free to leave but rarely do. Most of the trashy men I've met who have spouses or gfs tended to have warning signs for their behaviour. Quite often it was just plain blatant. I've found nice men who didn't brag or show off tend to be overlooked by women. Don't be so surprised that a loud mouth or some pakistani foreigner just clocked you in the jaw.
            I think you missed the part about how manipulative some of these men can be - you see, they're pathetic people, they probably put a face on outside but become abusive at home. I just really hate it when someone's looking to get married and the female members of the family know their son/brother is abusive but won't tell you and let you get married thinking he's a great person - because, honestly, how much interaction can you get with him beforehand?
            Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
            O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
            We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

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            • #36
              Re: Abusive husbands !!

              sister muslimah

              i stated other reasons as well lol...

              i was jus sayin that forced marriage is probably major reason

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              • #37
                Re: Abusive husbands !!

                Originally posted by RX-78-2
                women get into abusive relationships because they care less about character and more about financial readiness or looks/race etc. It's as old as time itself. I have no sympathy for them.
                You have no right to say that.. you do not know their intention. A lot of women care about character, the man might act all nice in the process but once that nikah is done... he changes.
                ▪️••• 〰 Say what you wish in abuse of me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at a loss for a response, but rather it does not befit the lion to answer the dogs. 〰 •••▪️

                ~ IMAM SHAFI'I RH

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                • #38
                  Re: Abusive husbands !!

                  Originally posted by RX-78-2
                  women get into abusive relationships because they care less about character and more about financial readiness or looks/race etc. It's as old as time itself. I have no sympathy for them.
                  Sadly this is not necessarily true.

                  Of course there are women who care more about looks and finance but there are many good women and families taken in by a pious exterior only to find something completely different is lurking underneath.

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                  • #39
                    Re: Abusive husbands !!

                    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
                    Interesting post. Another thing is when women get depressed or have emotional issues, they tend to internalize it and withdraw. Men tend to externalize it, become more aggressive and angry.

                    Depression in women: sadness, withdraw, blaming self

                    Depression in men: anger, putting more importance on social status, blaming others

                    Statistically depression is higher in women, but symptoms normally associated with depression express themselves more in women, and in men they express themselves totally different.
                    Our gender behaviors and reactions really mold society, always wondered why men could get away with such blatant expressions and not be condemned to hell. But it really something a woman by nature would never do.

                    I feel these are correct descriptions. In our primal forms humans can be so destructive, and in a way Allah made us this way, but then he gave us awareness, control and social codes.

                    As a woman myself, I do find that I do become silent when depressed and angry. I totally withdraw because I don't want to hurt anyway, as I am very capable then. I've also long ago broken the cycle where I blame myself. I don't lol ever. Because in most cases I'm not to be blamed & if I am I cut myself some slack and just be kind to myself, because mistakes we make them all.

                    Did you know that it is a trait of both men and women to join their internal feelings with others. Men find this a burden and get even more angry at the person and women tend to blame themselves only and take the burden willingly.

                    True independence, is of the mind.

                    Not circumstances.
                    Last edited by Jigsaw; 23-05-12, 10:48 AM.
                    Sister Jigsaw!

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                    • #40
                      Re: Abusive husbands !!

                      Maybe this is a Western problem? And of course you are generalising and hating on women too much.

                      Because Islam is pretty clear on the fact that a man ought to provide and care for his wife. So a Muslim woman marries someone who can support her and a Muslim man readies himself to support his future wife.

                      He could be rich or not. Pretty irrelevant.

                      But financial support must be had. Tis Islam.

                      Originally posted by RX-78-2
                      women get into abusive relationships because they care less about character and more about financial readiness or looks/race etc. It's as old as time itself. I have no sympathy for them.
                      Last edited by Jigsaw; 23-05-12, 10:55 AM.
                      Sister Jigsaw!

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                      • #41
                        Re: Abusive husbands !!

                        I guess this question can be asked about any number of things we humans are faulty for. Here is an article I liked:

                        Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid



                        source: Islam-QA.com
                        Courtesy of: Habibi Matrimonials (Read Part 11 here.)

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                        One of the greatest aims of marriage according to the laws of Allaah is so that affection and compassion may prevail between the spouses. This is the foundation on which married life should be built. Allaah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

                        "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy." [al-Room 30:21]

                        al-Haafiz Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Affection means love, and compassion means kindness. A man keeps a woman either because he loves her or her because he feels compassion towards her because he has children from her.

                        Our advice to you is not to ignore the affection and compassion between spouses that Allaah has mentioned in this verse. Think about the Mothers of the Believers, and the womenfolk of the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them all), especially the role of Khadeejah (may Allaah be pleased with her) with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Try to make your family happy and you will see the effect of that in sha Allaah.

                        One of the greatest means of attaining happiness and cheerfulness is what was narrated from one of the righteous: Kindness is something easy: a cheerful face and a gentle word. So try to adopt this kindness towards your husband – until it becomes ingrained in you – and you will win his heart and make him be affectionate and compassionate towards you.

                        But before all that, and above all that, our Lord says (interpretation of the meaning):

                        "The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

                        But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world." [Fussilat 41:34-35]

                        Shaykh Ibn Sa'di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: i.e., Good deeds and acts of obedience that are done for the sake of Allaah cannot be equal to bad deeds and sins that earn His wrath and do not please Him. Kindness towards others cannot be equal to mistreatment of them. "Is there any reward for good other than good?." [al-Rahmaan 55:60]

                        Then He enjoins a specific type of kindness which has a great impact, which is kindness towards the one who treats you badly. He says: "Repel (the evil) with one which is better" i.e., if someone mistreats you, especially if he has great rights over you, such as relatives and friends and the like, and he mistreats you in word or in deed, then respond by treating him kindly. If he cuts off ties with you then uphold ties with him; if he wrongs you, forgive him; if he speaks against you, in your absence or in your presence, do not respond in kind, rather forgive him, and deal with him by speaking kindly; if he shuns you and does not speak to you, then speak nicely to him, and greet him with salaam. If you respond to mistreatment with kind treatment, that will do a great deal of good.

                        "then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend" i.e., as if he is close to you and a good friend.

                        "But none is granted it" i.e., this praiseworthy quality is not given to anyone "except those who are patient" and put up with what they dislike, and force themselves to do what Allaah loves, for souls are created with a natural inclination to respond to bad treatment in kind and not to forgive it, so how can they respond in a good manner?

                        If a person is patient and obeys the command of his Lord, and understands the great reward, and knows that responding in kind to the one who mistreats him will not achieve anything and will only make the enmity worse, and that treating him kindly will not cause him any humiliation, rather it will raise him in status, because the one who shows humility for the sake of Allaah, Allaah will raise him in status thereby, then the matter will become easy for him and he will do that with joy and pleasure.

                        "and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion" because this is a characteristic of the elite people, by means of which a person attains a high status in this world and in the Hereafter, which is one of the greatest and noblest of characteristics. End quote.

                        Tafseer al-Sa'di (549-550)

                        If all of this applies to the rights of people in general, then what about the rights of your wife? The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands, because of the rights that Allaah has given them over them." Narrated by Abu Dawood (2140) and al-Tirmidhi (1192); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1203).

                        We have started by speaking to you, because you are the one who asked the question, and we think that you are more likely to listen and respond to our advice. If that means giving up some of your rights and forgiving the one who has wronged you, then there is nothing wrong with that. Who can say that giving up some of one's rights or forgiving some mistreatment is shameful or a shortcoming? Rather it is perfection.

                        Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (2588) from Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Charity does not decrease wealth. No one forgives, but Allaah increases him in honour, and no one humbles himself before Allaah but Allaah raises him in status."

                        As for speaking to your husband or rebuking him, it is words of sincere advice and a rebuke from those who love good for him and fear for the bad consequences that he may face as a result of his actions; they want to warn him against obeying Iblees and making him happy, and disobeying and incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful, may He be exalted.

                        As for his obeying Ibleese, Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (2813) that Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Iblees places his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops, and the one who is closest in status to him is the one who causes the greatest amount of fitnah (tribulation or temptation). One of them comes and says, I have done such and such, and he says: 'You have not done anything.' Then one of them comes and says: 'I did not leave him until I separated him and his wife.' Then he draws him close to him and says: 'How good you are.'" Al-A'mash said: I think he said: "and he embraces him."

                        As for his incurring the wrath of the Most Merciful and disobeying Him, let him listen to what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Fear Allaah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust from Allaah, and intimacy with them has become permissible to you by the word of Allaah." Narrated by Muslim (1218)

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