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  • #46
    Re: At the end of my rope...

    sis, i have read your post and was touched by your patient and determination to give the
    best for your daughter, May Allah swt bless you. I am encountering problem too but
    different scenario. What i have learn is no matter how difficult your life is, your children is your priority
    and you must make sure they are not affected by the situation. Insya Allah i need to recover myself back
    and give the best for my children despite not being able to concentrate and emotionally hurt.:o

    Comment


    • #47
      Re: At the end of my rope...

      MashAllah sister, you are very patient and frankly you are putting up with way more than many people would, could, or should put up with. I think you made a good decision to say no to going back into that situation until a better solution is found. You are more than in your right to ask for better living conditions. Not only does your daughter deserve that, but you also deserve that. SubhanAllah it is so funny how us women will demand good things for our children but we won't even do that for our own selves. Really, we can't be helpful to other people until we take care of ourselves first. That is how we provide the love, care, leadership and example to our families.

      Honestly, your husband sounds way way over protective and this is not normal. Maybe it is true he is living in an unsafe area, but if it is that unsafe he shouldn't have you living there. And not being able to even go into a private backyard even though there is a security guard? That is not reasonable. When you are in a safe area he is asking you not to cross the road? Seriously you are a grown woman not allowed to cross the road by yourself? That is not normal and it is not commendable. Your husband needs to work on resolving his anxiety/control issues or whatever the case may be. It is not fair for him to treat you like a prisoner for his own peace of mind. Knowing that he is restricting you to the point that your life is becoming unbearable should wear more on his peace of mind.

      Your husband is putting way too much priority on his parents. It is good to take care of them, but not to the extent of sacrificing his marriage and family especially when other people are living with them who can and will take care of them like family plus servants. Them making you guys come home so quick after infrequent trips out is also not reasonable at all. Yes, they are your parents, but there are still limits and those limits start at the harm of someone else and impediment of their rights. You say they are manipulative and your husband was raised with that so they probably have him tied in such a knot that he feels he cannot break free. Islamically we take care of our parents but some cultures take that to the extreme. This is one of those extreme situations.

      I understanding being apart will put a strain on your marriage, but also having a mental breakdown from living in isolation will also put a strain on your marriage. Especially if his only solution is for him to sleep separately from you, how is that so different than living away? I understand you may not want to stress your parents, but I wouldn't hide this from everybody. The fact that you need to hide your living situation from other people in and of itself is a warning sign that you are in an unhealthy situation that needs changing. You need to be talking to someone, maybe a sibling or other close friend or relative. Because as you can see from this thread, you need some feed back and validation in order to see things clearly and make good decisions. After living in insanity for so long you loose the sense of what is real and what is normal. Sometimes you need other people to open your eyes. You are not selfish, you are not wrong, you deserve better.
      Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

      Comment


      • #48
        Re: At the end of my rope...

        Hope it works out for you inshaa Allaah.

        I really do understand where you are coming from, but I just want to advise you that sometimes it takes time for a husband to realise these things or the impact of these things - several years sometimes. It is not his fault that he loves his parents too much and is worried about making them upset, it is just that he doesn't realise that there is the option of finding ways around things, or saying things in a diplomatic way (when dealing with parents who are too attached), and he doesn't know how to say these things or implement them in a practical sense - because he is so worried about what his mum might say. I honestly think this is the issue, that he just doesn't know how to deal with it properly.

        For example, the living conditions - to have him realise that making small changes at home would mean that you wouldn't have to move out (which he would probably prefer!) - if he realised this, he may have seen things differently.

        I do not (personally) see it as overbearing that he doesn't want you to go out, for example in London there are places where women shouldn't go out by themselves, or even shouldn't go out too much because it may not be safe for them in hijaab - or because of the high rental rates, families are living in studio flats without outdoor play areas - and these kind of situations need adjusting. I have lived with two kids in a very small flat before, and I ended up buying loads of craft type activities to occupy them, or devising other floor-game-type activities to keep them occupied - even letting them help me bake or cook, reading books... the internet is a blessing, and can provide lots of ideas.

        I am just worried that by moving out, you haven't dealt with the issue itself, which is not neccessarily him not adjusting the situation to your needs, but him realising that he can say and do things in a diplomatic way, and his parents will have to realise and adjust, and that change does not necessarily mean that he does not care about them or not love them anymore. Men are very simple, and in some ways less vocal, and sometimes it can take time to change behaviours that they have had for a very long time.

        But inshaAllaah, nothing happens without the will of Allaah, I hope that the situation will help him realise things and maybe think about them more, instead of pushing him away - and I would really advise you to continue to be kind and patient with him, because distance can put up barries, especially in marriage - one of the things that shaytaan is quick to interfere in.

        May Allaah rectify your affairs, Ameen
        "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

        Comment


        • #49
          Re: At the end of my rope...

          I understanding being apart will put a strain on your marriage, but also having a mental breakdown from living in isolation will also put a strain on your marriage. Especially if his only solution is for him to sleep separately from you, how is that so different than living away? I understand you may not want to stress your parents, but I wouldn't hide this from everybody. The fact that you need to hide your living situation from other people in and of itself is a warning sign that you are in an unhealthy situation that needs changing. You need to be talking to someone, maybe a sibling or other close friend or relative. Because as you can see from this thread, you need some feed back and validation in order to see things clearly and make good decisions. After living in insanity for so long you loose the sense of what is real and what is normal. Sometimes you need other people to open your eyes. You are not selfish, you are not wrong, you deserve better.


          I really started crying when I read your post, especially the last paragraph. Do you have a background in sociology or psychology? Seems like you are a counsellor.

          After 6 months, his only solution is that he will sleep on the floor, which of course I would never allow him to do as it would hurt his back.

          I had begged him to buy a baking oven so that daughter and I could pass our time baking over there (she loves to bake cookies & they don't own a baking oven, just a portable 2-range gas oven, the type you use on camping trips). I was denied the baking oven, because the younger sil might get jealous and tamper with the oven, he said. Alhamdulillah he can afford it, I never ask for anything that he cannot afford. A wife is not allowed to even bake cookies to pass the time. And he himself is travelling frequently due to business trips, mixing with all sorts of interesting people, broadening his mind, and I am not allowed to step in the fenced, gated backyard with female servants as escorts?

          Allah made it easy for me to discuss this issue with my mother last night. I told her I am not returning to his city, under the present circumstances. I didn't mention how trapped I am [which she knows to some extent], but explained it in terms of daughter's schooling & his refusal to construct upstairs & inlaws' refusal to move. She was very supportive, Alhamdulillah. She raised these issues with me almost 3 years ago. In my mother's eyes, I see her concern for me, just like I am concerned for my daughter. Yes sister, you are so right: we women will tolerate injustices against ourselves, we are like lambs when our rights are taken away. But when our children's rights are infringed upon, then we get some courage and strength from God. But I have to be fit first, before I can protect my daughter.

          Now husband has said that we will discuss this issue again after he submits an important report at the end of this month. He will try to change my mind, without changing the reality of the situation over there. But I will remember your advice, and the advice of other people in this thread, and the advice of 3 separate imams I have discreetly discussed this issue with. Thank you so much, Sister. My heart is filled with prayers for you. Thank you again and again.

          Comment


          • #50
            Re: At the end of my rope...

            ...it is just that he doesn't realise that there is the option of finding ways around things, or saying things in a diplomatic way (when dealing with parents who are too attached), and he doesn't know how to say these things or implement them in a practical sense - because he is so worried about what his mum might say. I honestly think this is the issue, that he just doesn't know how to deal with it properly.

            For example, the living conditions - to have him realise that making small changes at home would mean that you wouldn't have to move out (which he would probably prefer!) - if he realised this, he may have seen things differently.

            I do not (personally) see it as overbearing that he doesn't want you to go out, for example in London there are places where women shouldn't go out by themselves, or even shouldn't go out too much because it may not be safe for them in hijaab - or because of the high rental rates, families are living in studio flats without outdoor play areas - and these kind of situations need adjusting. I have lived with two kids in a very small flat before, and I ended up buying loads of craft type activities to occupy them, or devising other floor-game-type activities to keep them occupied - even letting them help me bake or cook, reading books... the internet is a blessing, and can provide lots of ideas.

            I am just worried that by moving out, you haven't dealt with the issue itself, which is not neccessarily him not adjusting the situation to your needs, but him realising that he can say and do things in a diplomatic way, and his parents will have to realise and adjust, and that change does not necessarily mean that he does not care about them or not love them anymore. Men are very simple, and in some ways less vocal, and sometimes it can take time to change behaviours that they have had for a very long time.

            But inshaAllaah, nothing happens without the will of Allaah, I hope that the situation will help him realise things and maybe think about them more, instead of pushing him away - and I would really advise you to continue to be kind and patient with him, because distance can put up barries, especially in marriage - one of the things that shaytaan is quick to interfere in.

            May Allaah rectify your affairs, Ameen
            My dear Sister Umm Luay, Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. It's definitely something I should consider, especially to continue being kind and patient with him. You are right, distance can put up barriers, and words over skype or email can lose the sensitivity they would otherwise have (in face to face conversations).

            I have a lot of arts and crafts here to occupy my daughter with; I do a lot of the same activities with her that I think you are alluding to. We are forever making scrapbooks, bead necklaces, painting, etc. But I cannot take most of those supplies with me over there, as we are totally cramped there for space, and he's adamant that I should bring as less as possible as we are running out of space even in the storeroom. I also read a lot of books with my daughter to pass the time, but we borrow from the public library in our western city. I asked my husband whether he could get us membership in the library in his city; his response was that, "There is a british council library here, but to go there means that you may not come back." He means its very unsafe, it's located in a neighbourhood that he seldom visits due to past riots etc. I own some books for my daughter but she gets bored quickly reading the same books over and over. And then husband complains that her belongings outnumber his, and it's making the room cluttered. I will however definitely keep in mind what you said that maybe he just doesn't know how to vocalize his thoughts to his parents? He married quite late, and up until marriage, he used to sit next to her literally to eat. So maybe, he's struggling himself and he feels caught between 2 people he loves dearly? May Allah give me more patience to understand his struggles, and to deal with this issue with sabr, and not lose my temper. It's something well worth remembering. Thank you, dear Sister, for offering your guidance; your words can only benefit my relationship with him, inshaAllah. Thank you so much.

            Comment


            • #51
              Re: At the end of my rope...

              Originally posted by janeausten View Post
              [/b]

              I really started crying when I read your post, especially the last paragraph. Do you have a background in sociology or psychology? Seems like you are a counsellor.

              After 6 months, his only solution is that he will sleep on the floor, which of course I would never allow him to do as it would hurt his back.

              I had begged him to buy a baking oven so that daughter and I could pass our time baking over there (she loves to bake cookies & they don't own a baking oven, just a portable 2-range gas oven, the type you use on camping trips). I was denied the baking oven, because the younger sil might get jealous and tamper with the oven, he said. Alhamdulillah he can afford it, I never ask for anything that he cannot afford. A wife is not allowed to even bake cookies to pass the time. And he himself is travelling frequently due to business trips, mixing with all sorts of interesting people, broadening his mind, and I am not allowed to step in the fenced, gated backyard with female servants as escorts?

              Allah made it easy for me to discuss this issue with my mother last night. I told her I am not returning to his city, under the present circumstances. I didn't mention how trapped I am [which she knows to some extent], but explained it in terms of daughter's schooling & his refusal to construct upstairs & inlaws' refusal to move. She was very supportive, Alhamdulillah. She raised these issues with me almost 3 years ago. In my mother's eyes, I see her concern for me, just like I am concerned for my daughter. Yes sister, you are so right: we women will tolerate injustices against ourselves, we are like lambs when our rights are taken away. But when our children's rights are infringed upon, then we get some courage and strength from God. But I have to be fit first, before I can protect my daughter.

              Now husband has said that we will discuss this issue again after he submits an important report at the end of this month. He will try to change my mind, without changing the reality of the situation over there. But I will remember your advice, and the advice of other people in this thread, and the advice of 3 separate imams I have discreetly discussed this issue with. Thank you so much, Sister. My heart is filled with prayers for you. Thank you again and again.
              JazakAllah khair sister for your dua, wallahi I really appreciate that coming from you and I ask Allah to rectify your affairs and make you among the righteous who enter firdous. May Allah make your husband pleased with you and realize the amount of patience and sacrifice you have for him and return all of this back to you in multitude. I am no counselor, just another sister who went through a bad marriage situation and tried to take as many lessons from it as I could, alhamdulillah.
              Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

              Comment


              • #52
                Re: At the end of my rope...

                Sister, don't try to get the in-laws to move. They are already settled in their homes for years and years and to have them move for a child's school is unreasonable. Old people (and young) get attached to the homes they spend their lives in, so you have to understand where they are coming from. You need to get your husband to move. It seems your in-laws have given permission to him to move, so work on him :insha:

                Also, I think you should focus on moving out for now. That's the main issue, that should be the top priority as it will solve all the other problems. Don't worry about him not letting you out, or there's not enough room to sleep, etc. These issues will resolve themselves if you guys move out. Just focus on one issue. :insha:

                If you think your husband won't mind, maybe you should have him read this thread. It's better if he hears it from a whole bunch of people that he needs to be more considerate.
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                Comment


                • #53
                  Re: At the end of my rope...

                  :salams

                  Sorry for the late response Sis.

                  Sis your making progress so that is good alhamdulillah so don't be so down insha'allah.

                  Masha'allah you are all great people, you, your husband and family. just husband is a bit paranoid. Insha'allah you will pass this test.

                  Sis I think like the Brother/Sister couple posts above said, you should talk with your family and shouldn't feel the sense of hiding it.

                  Be patient Sister, you are making progress.

                  Patience, indeed the promise of Allah is True!!!
                  "O friend, the cloth from which your burial shroud will be cut may have already reached the market and you remain unaware." Imam al-Ghazali R.A.

                  GOOD MANNERS

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Re: At the end of my rope...

                    From what I have read sister, it seems as though your husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place (ie you and his family).

                    I would also suggest for you to take baby steps in getting your house in order. Since you live in a shared house then ALL responsibilities need to be shared also. Both brothers need to contribute to the finances, that means your brother-in-law needs to pay his way for himself and his wife. Your sister-in-law needs to help you in other responsibilities you do for the household so things are split evenly.

                    If your sil and bil do not agree to do this then I would suggest you start to talk to your inlaws about moving out. As noone should shoulder all responsibilities on their own when there are others who could/SHOULD help.

                    With regards to your daughters schooling, you seem to come across as being financially stable so can you not hire a driver to take her/pick her up?
                    I dont know which country you are in but with regards to safety...mention to your husband that you cannot change your destiny and whatever is written to happen to you (good & bad) will happen anyways, BUT you can take reasonable precausions - by this I do not mean being locked up at home but by going out in pairs etc have ur sis in law accompany you etc. I do not get why he has such an issue with you venturing out...its not logical or normal!

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Re: At the end of my rope...

                      Salam alaykom sister !

                      You will need to take baby steps because of the cultural difference between you and your husband (as slight as they may be)
                      and dont anyone get insulted please but I couldnt fail to notice that your husband has a big disrespect for us (male muslims) since he doesnt allow you to go out because for him there are perverts and to me it seems that he looks down upon all of us. There are evil people in the world but that doesnt mean that we should all stop living. Draw his atention to this and I dont see what pervert could be excited about (if you are wearin niqab or burqa).

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Re: At the end of my rope...

                        Also ask your husband to join us and talk to us about this problem, that would be easiest on booth of you

                        Comment

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