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At the end of my rope...

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  • At the end of my rope...

    I'm a longtime lurker, finally registered so I could post. I know you're all sick of inlaw problems. However, I really need and want some advice. Please, please, take out time to give me some Islamic advice; may Allah Bless you and yours for your efforts.

    I was born and raised for half my life in a country in asia; moved to the west in my pre-teen years. Essentially i've lived in the west since then; I have a balanced blend of east and west (or so everyone tells me). Had an arranged marriage with a person who was born and raised in an asian country, he has never lived in the west. After marriage, i moved from west back to east (to his country). I willingly gave up my job, car, and most of my family/friends who are in the west. Moved to his country, where I don't speak the predominant language. For security reasons, husband said that I wasn't allowed to leave the house alone (having a foreign passport makes me a target for kidnappings, he says). We have a 2.5 year old daughter now. We live with his elderly parents and younger brother + his wife, in a 3 bdrm house. We have one medium sized room + washroom for ourselves exclusively. Space is tight, and most of my stuff is in 6 suitcases, bc we don't have enough space in the bedroom. Our routine is really topsy turvy: he comes home from work around 8pm, we have "dinner" at midnight or later (no exaggeration), we retire for the night around 3.30am. No kidding. Topsy turvy schedule is due to frequent power cuts, his family eats first (not enough space at the dining table for everyone to eat together + he says he doesnt want to eat with his younger bro and wife), and also he works late into night sometimes working on reports.

    Even stepping in the backyard (which is enclosed by a 10ft barbed wire wall) was a huge battle for me, as my mil and he didnt want me to even step foot in the backyard (even though I would usually go when there were female servants outside doing their work, so I was always in the company of other females). I told him I needed some sunlight in my life, as I was tired of being cooped up inside my room. That was a huge battle. I can't stay outside in the backyard for too long, as my mil will complain to him, and his reasoning is that there are "perverts" watching from the neighbouring buildings. I am not allowed to leave the house alone; never mind alone, I am not allowed to even visit the next door grocery store with my father in law! i have asked him whether I could take my fil and 2 female servants to the grocery store which is 30 steps from the house; he flatly says no, its not safe.

    Right now, I am living in a western country (we came here to get our daughter vaccinated). My parents live in this city also. Husband is in his home country. He is planning for all of us to return to his home country in 2months' time. I have asked him to enroll our daughter in pre-school over there, so that she atleast is not trapped at home like me. There are a lot of logistical problems surrounding that (school is FAR from the home, we would have to sleep earlier than 3am so that daughter has a good night's sleep before school, and its hard to do when 3 people are sharing the same room, daughter's sleep would get constantly interrupted + the night-long power cuts). I have told him how unhappy I am about this situation, and asked him to give me a separate residence as I believe this is a right given to me by God. He refuses on the account of his elderly parents. I have said clearly to him: Please bring your parents to live with us, just find a residence closer to daughter's school, with 3 bdrms so that daughter can have her own bdrm with power generator. My inlaws refuse to leave their house "for sentimental reasons" (they say they won't leave the house they have built). He says he can't leave his elderly parents in their old age. Am I being unjust?

  • #2
    Re: At the end of my rope...

    oh, forgot to mention... when we live there, my husband was able or willing to take me out once a month. This is usually a trip to the grocery store followed by a quick meal at a restaurant, before we have to hurry home because his parents keep calling non stop asking him when we are returning home. My outings were limited to once a month, and this too after I would cry and plead to be taken outside. He says he is very busy with work (this part is true), and conditions are not entirely safe in the country (this is also true to some extent), so his "recreational outings" are limited. I feel totally trapped inside 4 walls. He knows all of the above, we have been discussing it for 6 months, and we have yet to reach a mutually satisfactory decision. Am I being unjust in requesting a separate larger residence, closer to daughter's intended school (his parents can live in the new home, but they say they won't due to emotional attachment to current home). He is financially capable of arranging a second larger home.

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    • #3
      Re: At the end of my rope...

      ur husbands being too defensive .... kidnappings dont really happen that much if ur living in a good society in pakistan.

      and i dont really see how some1 can be kidnapped from the backyard , my mom goes out for her morning walk in the park close by.



      Comment


      • #4
        Re: At the end of my rope...

        :salams

        Aren't there any other schools nearby?

        It seems unreasonable to move 5 people, just for the sake of a school, which can be substituted for some other school. I know what his parents mean by "sentimental reasons" because when you spend your whole life in a house, you do get attached to it, so leaving it for a school might not be OK with them.

        And, how unsafe is it? Unless you stand out from the other population, it shouldn't be so bad to go out. You can also try wearing a niqab.
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: At the end of my rope...

          :salams

          Can he afford a new residence?

          Talk to his parents. I don't think they are being reasonable.

          It is important to get the daughter in school. Will that school go past day care though?

          Not very good advice but we'll see how the thread goes insha'allah.

          May Allah SWT bless this marriage and make things easier for you and the whole family. Ameen
          "O friend, the cloth from which your burial shroud will be cut may have already reached the market and you remain unaware." Imam al-Ghazali R.A.

          GOOD MANNERS

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: At the end of my rope...

            Yes, husband can afford it Alhamdulillah.

            He has talked to his parents to no avail. My compromise to him was to construct a bedroom upstairs for our daughter, so she can sleep at a normal time & not be interrupted by constant disruptions from husband and myself (husband watches tv loudly in the bdroom after coming home). Husband refuses to construct upstairs because, he claims, construction of 2nd floor will tempt all the local "thugs" to blackmail him for money, will make him a target for extortion in the neighborhood, & he says he doesnt have time to supervise construction.

            There are no good schools nearby. The home is in an older part of the city; ALL the good schools are in the newer parts of the city, about 10kms away from the home. Due to horrendous traffic congestion, even 10kms takes around 2 hours one way especially during rush hour. It seems a little unjust to expect a 3 year old toddler to sit in a car for 2 hours to reach school (4 hours commute each day). Especially if she's going to sleep at 3am! Hence the request to move to an apt closer to the school, to reduce commute time. Part of the reason for schooling is also to allow daughter to go outside and not be trapped; in the western city we are in currently, she's actively involved with her local library, family centre programs for toddlers, loves to play in the park. Over there, none of this would be possible (public parks & libraries are out of the question for my husband). SO, the only solution to get a bit of normality is the school..and yes, the school we would like to put her in is for ages 3-18.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: At the end of my rope...

              Originally posted by KurdishKid View Post
              :salams
              May Allah SWT bless this marriage and make things easier for you and the whole family. Ameen
              Thank you so much. Please pray for me. Thank you.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: At the end of my rope...

                How sick/ill are his parents?

                And, why can't the other brother and his wife take care of the parents?
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: At the end of my rope...

                  I think that would be good for everyone. The parents you'll need to workout something with...some kind words.

                  Will your Husband still have a have work in the new area if you were to move?

                  It seems safety is also an issue in your current residence. Would it change for the better if you were to move?
                  "O friend, the cloth from which your burial shroud will be cut may have already reached the market and you remain unaware." Imam al-Ghazali R.A.

                  GOOD MANNERS

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: At the end of my rope...

                    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                    How sick/ill are his parents? And, why can't the other brother and his wife take care of the parents?
                    His mother has some heart-related conditions, bad arthritis and mostly stays to her bed. She uses a walker to get around. His father is mashaAllah in good health for a 70+ year old, and doesn't have any serious health issues. Younger brother and wife are wrapped up with their own lives, and my husband says they are too irresponsible to take care of the parents properly. My husband is solely responsible for every financial purchase in the house, including his younger brother's cellphone bill! Younger brother is working but doesn't contribute at all towards household expenses. My husband pays everything from the gardener's salary to food for everyone, to household electricity consumption. An older brother lives in another country and is in the process of immigrating to the west himself, with his family, so no support there.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: At the end of my rope...

                      Originally posted by KurdishKid View Post
                      I think that would be good for everyone. The parents you'll need to workout something with...some kind words
                      Sorry, I didn't understand. What would be a good solution for everyone?
                      Will your Husband still have a have work in the new area if you were to move?
                      You mean if we moved to an apt closer to the school? That location would actually be even closer to HIS work place. Right now, he's putting in dreadful commuting hours. If we moved, it'd be a lot closer to his office.
                      It seems safety is also an issue in your current residence. Would it change for the better if you were to move?
                      We are in a detached bungalow right now. If we moved, it'd be to an apt. Husband says he would never feel comfortable leaving me alone in an apt with our daughter; he'd be worried sick all day. If nothing else at the home, I have my elderly inlaws as 'protection' (he says).

                      Do you think I have legitimate grievances? I mean, isnt it unjust to only go out once a month? Doesnt that factor in anywhere? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: At the end of my rope...

                        And, how unsafe is it? Unless you stand out from the other population, it shouldn't be so bad to go out. You can also try wearing a niqab.
                        Husband says it's very unsafe, as in kidnappings, personal armed robberies in daylight, etc. If I even wear a niqab, he won't let me go outside - even accompanied with my father in law, bc he says FIL is very elderly and frail. I also speak a minority language there, which is looked down upon by the ethnic majority (historical reasons behind the language conflict). He says this language discrepancy marks me as an outsider. My argument is: if I'm going out to buy apples, I don't exactly have to sing the national anthem in their language, do I? So who's going to know what language I speak?

                        I just don't know if i'm asking for too much, or if I'm within my rights. Am I asking for too much?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: At the end of my rope...

                          I meant the moving would be good decision from what we know.

                          Masha'allah from the above post your husband seems like a great guy. May Allah SWT reward him.

                          Do you have any friends around your area? would that change if you were to move?

                          From all this it seems it would be best to move. Allahu Alim

                          Whether you have legitimate grievances...not sure. Doesn't seem you have much to do could sympathize with you here. Your husband is also doing his best masha'allah. It's important he takes care of his parents. You should all sit and talk together and talk about the pros and cons of moving and see where it goes from there.

                          I wouldn't say your asking for too much and what you want isn't a self-fish things either.

                          May Allah :swt: do what is best for your family. Ameen
                          Last edited by .Kid.; 20-05-12, 09:00 AM.
                          "O friend, the cloth from which your burial shroud will be cut may have already reached the market and you remain unaware." Imam al-Ghazali R.A.

                          GOOD MANNERS

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: At the end of my rope...

                            Originally posted by KurdishKid View Post
                            I meant the moving would be good decision from what we know. Masha'allah from the above post your husband seems like a great guy. May Allah SWT reward him. Do you have any friends around your area? would that change if you were to move? From all this it seems it would be best to move. Allahu Alim. Whether you have legitimate grievances...not sure. Doesn't seem you have much to do could sympathize with you here. Your husband is also doing his best masha'allah. It's important he takes care of his parents. You should all sit and talk together and talk about the pros and cons of moving and see where it goes from there. I wouldn't say your asking for too much and what you want isn't a self-fish things either. May Allah :swt: do what is best for your family. Ameen
                            May Allah Bless you for taking time to share your advice. You are correct in that my husband is very conscious of his duties towards his parents. He has some very good qualities, Alhamdulillah. This is why I worry constantly whether I am being unfair towards him, and shouldn't I be encouraging him to continue doing good deeds? Then I remember how depressed I used to get sitting and staring at 4 walls, not even being allowed to step outside (and the youngest daughter-in-law of the house comes and goes as she pleases, using public transportation, goes to her parents' home as often as she wants and nobody stops her), and I can't help but feel sorry for myself and our daughter, begging and pleading husband to take us out once a month to a grocery store. It's tough. We have been discussing this issue for almost 6 months. I'm in a western country right now; my apt lease is expiring in 2 months, and husband is asking me what have I decided (to continue staying here, or move back). Hence this thread. Please do remember to include us in your prayers, and I will do the same for you and yours, insha Allah. Thank you very much for your help and advice.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: At the end of my rope...

                              Assalamo laaikum,

                              In honesty sister I would be very concerned for your daughter in this situation. Children need to get out, mix with others etc (as you already know) and it really cannot be healthy for her, and for her to grow up thinking that her outside environment is a very unsafe place. Is it really that bad? Your husband does sound rather paranoid, i can't imagine how building a small bedroom is going to make him a target in the country, lol!
                              I can somewhat with you, i too am not allowed to go out alone to the local shop (5 metres from the fron door) as my husband feels everyone will be talking about me ("she prefers salt and vinegar rather than cheese and onion" is about the height of the talk that would go on, lol) but alhamdulillah he takes me out very regularly, even if it's only a drive up the road. it is very hard when you are used to being independant to suddenly not being able to choose something from a shop. May Allah give you patience sister, is there any way that you can get your family on board to talk with him in a nice way, perhaps explaining how well your daughter is doing with interaction etc?

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