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My parents are trying to force my hand

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  • #16
    Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

    Originally posted by CompletelyLost View Post
    Dear All,

    This is my first post on here and I'm not really sure what the correct procedure for all this is. But recently my parents met with a suitor and they really like him for me. I've met this guy once and every sign in my body screamed no, I didn't want to do it. I just felt too strange and awakward around him. Usually my parents don't push this subject too hard, but now it's become hell. Ever since this guy appeared, they've been pushing me to marry him and despite me repetitively saying no, they won't back off. They keep pushing the issue. Every time my mother and I speak, she gets angry and screams and shouts and then denies screaming and shouting saying she's just trying to explain things to me.

    I can't understand why they're pushing this so hard on me, to the point where today when my mum was 'discussing' this with me, she said "your father's so disappointed in your decision, he can't believe you're being so reckless and irresponsible and he has told me that if you don't say yes to this man, he will cut off any relations he has to you". I can't understand why my own family is choosing this man over me. I feel so helpless and so sad. They keep insisting that they're not forcing my hand, but I feel as if they are. They're not listening to my reasons at all, just dismissing them as stupid saying I have no life experience so I don't know what I want. It just hurts so much that they don't trust me at all and they're just constantly calling me stupid and selfish and not caring for them. I have tried so hard to keep my parents happy but I always mess up. I just can't win and I don't know what to do.

    I won't lie and say i'm very islamic, I amn't. I try though and I try to be a good person so I don't know. Just something told me to come here and ask for help.

    I'd appreciate any help I can get.

    Thank you.
    I would simply say to your parents, so you want to force me to marry him, you do know that will be an invalid marriage right?

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    • #17
      Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

      Dear Everyone,

      Thank you all for the advice. It made me feel a lot better. I still feel ill-equipped to deal with all of this but I'll just let you know what happened next. I met him again that saturday, with my parents. He seemed quite nice and insisted that if I didn't want this it was fine. I don't know why but that made me feel even more guilty. My mum wasn't speaking with me and I love her to bits. Even if it just empty threats, I can't lose my family, I love them too much. I've said yes to him, he seems like a nice guy with a bright future. I took my parents word for it. And @Jigsaw If my parents said jump, I'd just ask how high. Maybe not initially, but I can't find it in myself to disobey them.

      And the reason they want to me to marry him so desperately is because I live in London, I'm 21 and my little sister who's 20 is engaged and has been for the past year. Since then they've scrambled to find me a rishta, They've let me get away with saying no to a few people. But they seem to think this guy is just perfect. He's 26, tall, and claims to be ambitious. He's lived here for a year studying the conversion for a masters in Business Administration. He hopes to have his own line of shops. He's working and has been supporting himself for the past year. I'm not particularly impressed by all of this, maybe I am foolish to not be. But I've just given in. I can't fight against the people I love the most. It seems ridiculous to me. Maybe they're in the right in doing this but i don't know.

      The reason I didn't want to marry him was because I just don't like him. Simply, what he does isn't appealing to me, I can't really find a single thing in common with him and that scares me. I want to be able to at least talk to him. My mum's reply to this concern was When you have kids it'll work out fine. My second concern is I'm not a typical South Asian woman, I like my independance, I like to work and study and go out with friends. While right now he says it's alright, I don't really believe him. To me it feels like he says one thing but doesn't really mean it. But I am suspicious by nature I guess. He's unclear on what he expects from me and that scares me.

      He is trying to get to know me, which is big plus points in my book and I'm hoping if we talk enough, I'll start to like him. Please pray for me, I'm not sure I have much else I can really do.

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

        Originally posted by CompletelyLost View Post
        Dear Everyone,

        Thank you all for the advice. It made me feel a lot better. I still feel ill-equipped to deal with all of this but I'll just let you know what happened next. I met him again that saturday, with my parents. He seemed quite nice and insisted that if I didn't want this it was fine. I don't know why but that made me feel even more guilty. My mum wasn't speaking with me and I love her to bits. Even if it just empty threats, I can't lose my family, I love them too much. I've said yes to him, he seems like a nice guy with a bright future. I took my parents word for it. And @Jigsaw If my parents said jump, I'd just ask how high. Maybe not initially, but I can't find it in myself to disobey them.

        And the reason they want to me to marry him so desperately is because I live in London, I'm 21 and my little sister who's 20 is engaged and has been for the past year. Since then they've scrambled to find me a rishta, They've let me get away with saying no to a few people. But they seem to think this guy is just perfect. He's 26, tall, and claims to be ambitious. He's lived here for a year studying the conversion for a masters in Business Administration. He hopes to have his own line of shops. He's working and has been supporting himself for the past year. I'm not particularly impressed by all of this, maybe I am foolish to not be. But I've just given in. I can't fight against the people I love the most. It seems ridiculous to me. Maybe they're in the right in doing this but i don't know.

        The reason I didn't want to marry him was because I just don't like him. Simply, what he does isn't appealing to me, I can't really find a single thing in common with him and that scares me. I want to be able to at least talk to him. My mum's reply to this concern was When you have kids it'll work out fine. My second concern is I'm not a typical South Asian woman, I like my independance, I like to work and study and go out with friends. While right now he says it's alright, I don't really believe him. To me it feels like he says one thing but doesn't really mean it. But I am suspicious by nature I guess. He's unclear on what he expects from me and that scares me.

        He is trying to get to know me, which is big plus points in my book and I'm hoping if we talk enough, I'll start to like him. Please pray for me, I'm not sure I have much else I can really do.
        salaams to all

        and if he really is a good guy and is able to earn a decent income
        then whats so bad about staying at home being a housewife?

        the allowance for women to work in islam, is only when its absolutely necessary
        and then you have to fulfill other conditions like dress, avoiding intermingling with members of opposite sex etc
        youre not supposed to have the type of independence you seem to want

        youre making it seem as if your preferences/likes are in line with shariah & hes the one who wants you to do unislamic things
        even the talking & getting to know him is not permitted.

        may Allah ta'ala grant us all true understanding of his deen & the taufeeq to obey as we ought to

        and Allah ta'ala knows best
        jazakallah
        Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
        very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

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        • #19
          Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

          Have the courage to say 'no.' It might be difficult or easy, but it's that simple. BE FIRM. I don't know much about the guy but I'll say this much, if you as a girl are going into a marriage without full heart, imagine if this guy invests his life into you only to be hurt. You would not only be hurting yourself, but another person in the long run. Imagine being married to a person who doesn't love you!

          Another thing you can do before going to the guy himself (which I WOULD NOT do since you never know a person and how they can manipulate a situation) is to get a local imam/community leader/ family friend that will try to reason with your parents and tell them "look your daughter says she doesn't like this guy because he doesn't seem stable, he isn't attractive, seems grimy etc...you can't force her choice"
          Last edited by madara; 08-05-12, 10:43 PM.

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          • #20
            Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

            You're gonna end up ruining someone's life - yours, his or both.

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            • #21
              Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

              istakhara comes to mind.

              no1 here knows if he is good for you except your lord, so turn to him for help inshallah sis.

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              • #22
                Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                :salams

                Sister, you seem very confused. First, you said he seems like a nice guy, then you say I don't like him. Plus, I don't know what's the basis you have for suspicion. Why would you suspect him? =/

                I think it's best if you have a meeting or two more and see if you think he's suitable. :insha: Make istikhara along with this, as well.

                Also, you have to give up your independence a bit. Marriage is about compromise. You are not going to be the single girl, who only looks after herself, and free to go where she want. He will have to adjust his life with you and you will have to do so with him. You can work and study at home or take classes :insha: And, he should let you go out to see friends, as long as it's reasonable (not like every week). This isn't just him, but any man you marry will expect you to give up some of your past life, because you will be a married woman, a wife, then a mother :insha:

                May Allah give you what's best.
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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                • #23
                  Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                  You better end this now before you ruin his life or you'll have a lot to answer for on Yamul Qiyamah. He deserved a women who wants to marry and be with him, not someone who is being forced. Your parents are not allowed to force you, such a nikkah is not even valid.

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