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  • My parents are trying to force my hand

    Dear All,

    This is my first post on here and I'm not really sure what the correct procedure for all this is. But recently my parents met with a suitor and they really like him for me. I've met this guy once and every sign in my body screamed no, I didn't want to do it. I just felt too strange and awakward around him. Usually my parents don't push this subject too hard, but now it's become hell. Ever since this guy appeared, they've been pushing me to marry him and despite me repetitively saying no, they won't back off. They keep pushing the issue. Every time my mother and I speak, she gets angry and screams and shouts and then denies screaming and shouting saying she's just trying to explain things to me.

    I can't understand why they're pushing this so hard on me, to the point where today when my mum was 'discussing' this with me, she said "your father's so disappointed in your decision, he can't believe you're being so reckless and irresponsible and he has told me that if you don't say yes to this man, he will cut off any relations he has to you". I can't understand why my own family is choosing this man over me. I feel so helpless and so sad. They keep insisting that they're not forcing my hand, but I feel as if they are. They're not listening to my reasons at all, just dismissing them as stupid saying I have no life experience so I don't know what I want. It just hurts so much that they don't trust me at all and they're just constantly calling me stupid and selfish and not caring for them. I have tried so hard to keep my parents happy but I always mess up. I just can't win and I don't know what to do.

    I won't lie and say i'm very islamic, I amn't. I try though and I try to be a good person so I don't know. Just something told me to come here and ask for help.

    I'd appreciate any help I can get.

    Thank you.

  • #2
    Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

    They are being very unreasonable with you. The choice of who to marry is yours. Do not let anyone force you into a marriage you do not want.
    They definitely seem to be trying to force your hand. It is absolutely wrong and unislamic to be insulting you and treating you in this way. You need to stay firm. Do you have any siblings or close relatives who can support you in this?
    Last edited by Insomnia; 25-04-12, 06:39 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

      Tell them breaking ties with kin is haraam and forcing you to marry is haraam as well. The marriage is not valid unless you agree to the "Qabool hai?" (do you consent?) part of the nikah ceremony- it's the essential basis of validating the marriage, not a mere formality. If they are Islamically inclined they might listen.

      If they still try to force your hand then don't give in. If they try to forcibly make arrangements in spite of your insistence of saying no then you might have to call the forced marriage bureau, but only as a last resort. If they are pushing this guy rather than anyone else that doesn't happen for no reason, there must be a reason they feel they have to say yes to this guy. Maybe it's cos' they already promised you to him before even asking you, maybe it's because arranging your marriage to him will also have a knock on effect on the marriage of any siblings or other family you have, or maybe they've just found so many suitable qualities in this guy that aren't so easy to come by that they felt they couldn't say no and skipped the part about needing to ask you.

      What exactly is it about this guy that really caused you to feel you have to say no? What do your family like about him and what do you dislike about him that leads you to feel there's no way you can go ahead with this? Have you at least tried praying istikhara to seek Allah's :swt: guidance in this matter?
      The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

        :salams

        i don't think they are gonna cut you off, maybe, just a threat. I say stand your ground :insha: And, get other involved if possible, like an uncle or aunt.
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

          like mentioned before hun, remind them, that your heart isn't with it and by marrying him, the nikkah will be haram. i don't know what you're like, but you seem like a sensible girl, who wants to get married. so you can sit down with your parents and make it clear to them, that you do want to get married, but just not to him, and this is your choice. you cannot be forced, absolutely no one can, female or male. Allah does not accept anyone being forced to marry, there's plenty of Islamic evidence to back that up. is there an aunt or uncle you can speak to who can also help by on convincing your parents?
          DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

            Originally posted by CompletelyLost View Post
            I can't understand why they're pushing this so hard on me, to the point where today when my mum was 'discussing' this with me, she said "your father's so disappointed in your decision, he can't believe you're being so reckless and irresponsible and he has told me that if you don't say yes to this man, he will cut off any relations he has to you". I can't understand why my own family is choosing this man over me. I feel so helpless and so sad.
            Simply put .. They are acting like terrible parents to you. This has no reflection on you as a daughter. It is not your fault they are being bad parents
            and treating like a possesion they own that should be "given" to someone they deem "worthy"

            And they are using the dirtiest parenting tactics .. The guilt trip .. Even though its them who are being irresponsible with you
            They are trying to create a mental picture in your mind that it is all your fault
            You can't believe how much I relate to you on this from personal experience ^_^

            My main advice is do not let them .. Don't let them make you feel guilty and depressed because of their faulty parenting skills.
            This is a good time to let your inner stubborness come out. resist their attempts till the last breath and do not let them force you
            into this marriage.

            And I will die alone and be left there.
            Well I guess I'll just go home,
            Or God knows where.
            Because death is just so full .. And mine so small.
            Well I'm scared of what's behind .. And what's before

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

              Just say no,no one can force you I dont care what anyone says.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                Originally posted by CompletelyLost View Post
                Dear All,

                This is my first post on here and I'm not really sure what the correct procedure for all this is. But recently my parents met with a suitor and they really like him for me. I've met this guy once and every sign in my body screamed no, I didn't want to do it. I just felt too strange and awakward around him. Usually my parents don't push this subject too hard, but now it's become hell. Ever since this guy appeared, they've been pushing me to marry him and despite me repetitively saying no, they won't back off. They keep pushing the issue. Every time my mother and I speak, she gets angry and screams and shouts and then denies screaming and shouting saying she's just trying to explain things to me.

                I can't understand why they're pushing this so hard on me, to the point where today when my mum was 'discussing' this with me, she said "your father's so disappointed in your decision, he can't believe you're being so reckless and irresponsible and he has told me that if you don't say yes to this man, he will cut off any relations he has to you". I can't understand why my own family is choosing this man over me. I feel so helpless and so sad. They keep insisting that they're not forcing my hand, but I feel as if they are. They're not listening to my reasons at all, just dismissing them as stupid saying I have no life experience so I don't know what I want. It just hurts so much that they don't trust me at all and they're just constantly calling me stupid and selfish and not caring for them. I have tried so hard to keep my parents happy but I always mess up. I just can't win and I don't know what to do.

                I won't lie and say i'm very islamic, I amn't. I try though and I try to be a good person so I don't know. Just something told me to come here and ask for help.

                I'd appreciate any help I can get.

                Thank you.
                salaams to all

                whats so good about this guy that they r forcing you to marry him?
                there must be some reason for them insisting so much...

                and whats wrong with him-according to you?
                also-how old are you?
                & how old is he?
                is he related to you?

                u say u are not very religious
                please understand that Allah ta'ala is in complete control
                you should turn to him & ask him to assist you

                if you neglect your salaah-how do you expect his assistance?


                and Allah ta'ala knows best
                jazakallah
                Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
                very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                  This is called emotional blackmail.

                  This marriage will be entirely up to you.

                  You still have a choice....are you going to accept this emotional blackmail......or will you succumb to it. Because if you succumb to it, you won't be able to blame your family for their injustice, but your own hand in accepting their injustice as well.

                  You'l be responsible.

                  It's very hard.....but you must find something inside you that absolutely abhors the blackmail your parents are using against you. Hate it with every fiber in you. Because it is highly Un-Islamic.

                  Unfortunately, we can only help you a little, but the choice will be made by you.

                  Remember the choice it yours. Let your parents have whatever drama they want.

                  You need to find some strength and patience inside you to tolerate their blackmail. Don't let it make you do something YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO.

                  Remember....it's only a bit of shouting, and a few empty threats (it hurts a lot when your family does this) but your not alone. This tactic is used by other South Asian parents. And also other Non Muslim cultures still experience this too.

                  If your parents told you to jump off a cliff would you really?

                  Originally posted by CompletelyLost View Post
                  Dear All,

                  This is my first post on here and I'm not really sure what the correct procedure for all this is. But recently my parents met with a suitor and they really like him for me. I've met this guy once and every sign in my body screamed no, I didn't want to do it. I just felt too strange and awakward around him. Usually my parents don't push this subject too hard, but now it's become hell. Ever since this guy appeared, they've been pushing me to marry him and despite me repetitively saying no, they won't back off. They keep pushing the issue. Every time my mother and I speak, she gets angry and screams and shouts and then denies screaming and shouting saying she's just trying to explain things to me.

                  I can't understand why they're pushing this so hard on me, to the point where today when my mum was 'discussing' this with me, she said "your father's so disappointed in your decision, he can't believe you're being so reckless and irresponsible and he has told me that if you don't say yes to this man, he will cut off any relations he has to you". I can't understand why my own family is choosing this man over me. I feel so helpless and so sad. They keep insisting that they're not forcing my hand, but I feel as if they are. They're not listening to my reasons at all, just dismissing them as stupid saying I have no life experience so I don't know what I want. It just hurts so much that they don't trust me at all and they're just constantly calling me stupid and selfish and not caring for them. I have tried so hard to keep my parents happy but I always mess up. I just can't win and I don't know what to do.

                  I won't lie and say i'm very islamic, I amn't. I try though and I try to be a good person so I don't know. Just something told me to come here and ask for help.

                  I'd appreciate any help I can get.

                  Thank you.
                  Last edited by Jigsaw; 25-04-12, 10:37 PM.
                  Sister Jigsaw!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                    People are making this too complicated, its simple. Just tell you're potential spouse that you dont wana marry him and you're father is forcing you. If he is a smart man then he'll back off himself and you wont have to do anything. Problem solved, Insha'Allah. :)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                      Originally posted by MoMo. View Post
                      People are making this too complicated, its simple. Just tell you're potential spouse that you dont wana marry him and you're father is forcing you. If he is a smart man then he'll back off himself and you wont have to do anything. Problem solved, Insha'Allah. :)
                      Hey that's not a bad idea, but she should take his personality into consideration before attempting. Like if he's a decent sort of chap who, if you tell him this, he would humbly withdraw, then do so. If you think he will cause a fuss and a family problem then... I mean you can still do it, but it depends on whether or not you want to avoid that... and judging from the topic it seems that's the problem in all this.
                      والمبادرة إلى التكفير إنما تغلب على طباع من يغلب عليهم الجهل - ابن تيمية رحمه الله - بغية المرتاد

                      "Rushing towards takfir is an attitude which is dominant over those who are defeated by ignorance." - Ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah [Bughyatul Murtaad, page 354]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                        Is there any particular reason they're forcing this on you - Do they have family/friend links his family, are they wealthy?

                        Worst comes to worst, tell the guy to his face that you don't like him - he'll automatically be put off and will call it off himself.

                        He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His angels, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the Believers. [Quran {33:43}]
                        www.QuranicAudio.com
                        www.Quran.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                          yeah that's a good way to do it. or she can get someone to pass the message on for her, that she's not interested, incase he doesn't react good to the news. the truth does hurt, so he might not like it, which is normal, but at least he knows, and in this case she has every right. 'completelyLost: is he a relative, family friend that your parents are being more insistent?

                          i was once told of this practicing Muslim who married under the same way and of course was not happy, took advice from a legitimate Ullama who said, you've got the right to choose or refuse, (to which not even emotional blackmail you are facing is allowed). the person ended it, because it's only fair, in the long term. at least you know now, and can do something.
                          DO NOT PRIVATE MESSAGE IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                            Originally posted by CompletelyLost View Post
                            Dear All,

                            This is my first post on here and I'm not really sure what the correct procedure for all this is. But recently my parents met with a suitor and they really like him for me. I've met this guy once and every sign in my body screamed no, I didn't want to do it. I just felt too strange and awakward around him. Usually my parents don't push this subject too hard, but now it's become hell. Ever since this guy appeared, they've been pushing me to marry him and despite me repetitively saying no, they won't back off. They keep pushing the issue. Every time my mother and I speak, she gets angry and screams and shouts and then denies screaming and shouting saying she's just trying to explain things to me.

                            I can't understand why they're pushing this so hard on me, to the point where today when my mum was 'discussing' this with me, she said "your father's so disappointed in your decision, he can't believe you're being so reckless and irresponsible and he has told me that if you don't say yes to this man, he will cut off any relations he has to you". I can't understand why my own family is choosing this man over me. I feel so helpless and so sad. They keep insisting that they're not forcing my hand, but I feel as if they are. They're not listening to my reasons at all, just dismissing them as stupid saying I have no life experience so I don't know what I want. It just hurts so much that they don't trust me at all and they're just constantly calling me stupid and selfish and not caring for them. I have tried so hard to keep my parents happy but I always mess up. I just can't win and I don't know what to do.

                            I won't lie and say i'm very islamic, I amn't. I try though and I try to be a good person so I don't know. Just something told me to come here and ask for help.

                            I'd appreciate any help I can get.

                            Thank you.
                            for now, tell them your gay?
                            Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

                            -Quran (57:20)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: My parents are trying to force my hand

                              did you ask your parents why they like him so much for you and try to understand they point? maybe they want the best for you and you just don't know the guy and don't see anything good in him? I'd say have a thought about it all, have a talk with him and if you are sure that you don't want to marry him then you can hint it during the talk...
                              أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله

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