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  • Non-Muslim boyfriend

    Non-Muslim boyfriend
    Assalamualaikum Sisters and Brothers

    Before I ask my question, I wanted to give you some background information. Being the youngest, among many other things, have led me to lead a very very fortunate life alhamdulilah. I've been blessed to always have a good support system, including a very supportive family and I've always had a close group of Muslim friends from the Mosque. Alhamdulilah, I've always felt a belonging with the Mosque and Muslim people. However, my older sister, whom I love dearly, and is probably the closest person to me, has had a different life. I mean, in some ways the things we experienced were similar, but how we were treated and the particular individual circumstances were different. Being the first daughter in the family, our parents were more strict with her and she went through a lot. She went to Muslim school in elementary while I've only been to public school. Our parents thought that would be the good thing, to put her in Muslim school, seeing as how we live in non-Muslim country. From what I've been told she was always the very happy, bubbly and friendly one but I think that started to change when she was at Muslim school. They told her things like she would go to hell if even a bit of her hair was showing and basically focused a lot more on Allah swt wrath. Although it is important to know that Allah has punishment for us if we disobey, I think as young children, the first thing they need to know about Allah swt is his mercy and love, am I wrong? There, she also learned how manipulative other children, and later on, people, could be. Our mother has always taught us to love and be very kind to everyone. My sister has been this very loving person, but people have manipulated her kindness and used her, including our manipulative cousin on our mom's side who is her age. Me being a number of years younger did not get manipulated by her. Even with our family overseas, they're always asking my sister about this cousin of ours sort of expecting her to know all about her just because both of our families have immigrated to the same country. As we grew older, I luckily found many Muslim girls my age, but back then, there weren't many girls around my sisters age. Unfortunately, both my mom and I have always tried to force her to come to events she felt uncomfortable at and basically put her in situations she didn't want to be in, which has only aggravated the situation. She practices Islam but does not have a group of Muslim friends like me and is not really that involved as me. However, she has a non-Muslim boyfriend. They've broken up and gotten back together a few times, and my parents knew about him and have met him before. The reason why she's broken up in the past is because of religion. She's very torn because she believes in Islam and is a practicing Muslim but she knows that in Islam women aren't supposed to marry non-Muslims. She's talked to him about this and he is an atheist who strongly dislikes religion. He's also had an awful horrible childhood with Catholicism. So at this point converting to Islam doesn't seem like an option. She's tried offering books, pamphlets, etc but still even though he has read some stuff, he still doesn't believe in religion.

    I feel so bad for my sister. She's gotten the bad end of the stick in so many situations in her life. Now that she has finally found someone understanding and loves her for who she is, she has this dilemma on her hands. Often, I feel like I was the one that got everything she should have...being able to study whatever/wherever I wanted, going out with friends, having Muslim friends everything (especially me being the youngest, I could usually get away with most things, but her being the older sister, she always had to take care of me and be the responsible one). and I owe so much to her too.. she's always looking out for me, helping me, and is always always always so supportive of me, no matter what. She's asked me several times, that if she married outside of the religion would I still love her and keep accepting her as my sister, and I said yes, of course.

    And, no, I've seen, met, and know a lot of Muslim brothers in the community, and I haven't seen anyone that would be good for her. Also, I asked her this, and she would not be up for meeting potentials through the community grapevine, she would rather meet people(and get to know them) naturally.

    I'm so sorry this was so long-winded. I just really wanted to explain our background story
    1) I feel like I've taken all the good in her life and she's got the bulk of negative for both our lives. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't help but feel responsible for her. Also, she's honestly told me that me and her bf are the only 2 people who actually put her first (even our own parents, and our older brothers, have also not put her first)
    2) What should I do about her bf? I've met him before and he's a good guy. I often make du'a for him to convert to Islam with his heart, because that would really make things so much easier. If she decides to marry him despite him being non-Muslim...what do I do?
    ** I know some of you would just say outright it's haraam and that I should tell her to stop seeing this guy and not help her in anyway. Of course, that can be done in theory...but really when it comes to real life and dealing with relationships (family or other) it's not simply just black and white. Also, if we try to emulate the Prophet saws then everything should be done with mercy and kindness **

  • #2
    Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

    Originally posted by MH10 View Post
    Non-Muslim boyfriend
    Assalamualaikum Sisters and Brothers

    Before I ask my question, I wanted to give you some background information. Being the youngest, among many other things, have led me to lead a very very fortunate life alhamdulilah. I've been blessed to always have a good support system, including a very supportive family and I've always had a close group of Muslim friends from the Mosque. Alhamdulilah, I've always felt a belonging with the Mosque and Muslim people. However, my older sister, whom I love dearly, and is probably the closest person to me, has had a different life. I mean, in some ways the things we experienced were similar, but how we were treated and the particular individual circumstances were different. Being the first daughter in the family, our parents were more strict with her and she went through a lot. She went to Muslim school in elementary while I've only been to public school. Our parents thought that would be the good thing, to put her in Muslim school, seeing as how we live in non-Muslim country. From what I've been told she was always the very happy, bubbly and friendly one but I think that started to change when she was at Muslim school. They told her things like she would go to hell if even a bit of her hair was showing and basically focused a lot more on Allah swt wrath. Although it is important to know that Allah has punishment for us if we disobey, I think as young children, the first thing they need to know about Allah swt is his mercy and love, am I wrong? There, she also learned how manipulative other children, and later on, people, could be. Our mother has always taught us to love and be very kind to everyone. My sister has been this very loving person, but people have manipulated her kindness and used her, including our manipulative cousin on our mom's side who is her age. Me being a number of years younger did not get manipulated by her. Even with our family overseas, they're always asking my sister about this cousin of ours sort of expecting her to know all about her just because both of our families have immigrated to the same country. As we grew older, I luckily found many Muslim girls my age, but back then, there weren't many girls around my sisters age. Unfortunately, both my mom and I have always tried to force her to come to events she felt uncomfortable at and basically put her in situations she didn't want to be in, which has only aggravated the situation. She practices Islam but does not have a group of Muslim friends like me and is not really that involved as me. However, she has a non-Muslim boyfriend. They've broken up and gotten back together a few times, and my parents knew about him and have met him before. The reason why she's broken up in the past is because of religion. She's very torn because she believes in Islam and is a practicing Muslim but she knows that in Islam women aren't supposed to marry non-Muslims. She's talked to him about this and he is an atheist who strongly dislikes religion. He's also had an awful horrible childhood with Catholicism. So at this point converting to Islam doesn't seem like an option. She's tried offering books, pamphlets, etc but still even though he has read some stuff, he still doesn't believe in religion.

    I feel so bad for my sister. She's gotten the bad end of the stick in so many situations in her life. Now that she has finally found someone understanding and loves her for who she is, she has this dilemma on her hands. Often, I feel like I was the one that got everything she should have...being able to study whatever/wherever I wanted, going out with friends, having Muslim friends everything (especially me being the youngest, I could usually get away with most things, but her being the older sister, she always had to take care of me and be the responsible one). and I owe so much to her too.. she's always looking out for me, helping me, and is always always always so supportive of me, no matter what. She's asked me several times, that if she married outside of the religion would I still love her and keep accepting her as my sister, and I said yes, of course.

    And, no, I've seen, met, and know a lot of Muslim brothers in the community, and I haven't seen anyone that would be good for her. Also, I asked her this, and she would not be up for meeting potentials through the community grapevine, she would rather meet people(and get to know them) naturally.

    I'm so sorry this was so long-winded. I just really wanted to explain our background story
    1) I feel like I've taken all the good in her life and she's got the bulk of negative for both our lives. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't help but feel responsible for her. Also, she's honestly told me that me and her bf are the only 2 people who actually put her first (even our own parents, and our older brothers, have also not put her first)
    2) What should I do about her bf? I've met him before and he's a good guy. I often make du'a for him to convert to Islam with his heart, because that would really make things so much easier. If she decides to marry him despite him being non-Muslim...what do I do?
    ** I know some of you would just say outright it's haraam and that I should tell her to stop seeing this guy and not help her in anyway. Of course, that can be done in theory...but really when it comes to real life and dealing with relationships (family or other) it's not simply just black and white. Also, if we try to emulate the Prophet saws then everything should be done with mercy and kindness **
    You cannot show kindness to Shaytaan because he will not stop until he destroys you. If its wrong its wrong, you cannot support her in this. And im not calling your sister Shaytaan, May Allah(SWT) save her from this evil. Ameen.

    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort justice or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [Sūrah al-Nisā’: 135]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

      Well what can I say? We understand her situation is tough. But have a boyfriend is haraam. Committing Zina is major haraam. And a Muslim women willfully marrying a None Muslim renders her a disbeliever aswell.

      Many people are tricked by the Shaytan that in times of hardship, you should turn away from Allah and his revlation and towards your desire. This may bring temporary pleasure but in the long term it will be disastrous for the Muslim involved. Also in the life to come the Muslim will be deprived from Jannah. Nothing is worse then that. Not losing all yoru family and wealth and becoming an owned slave. Nothing is worse then that because if your deprived of Jannah there is only 1 other destination.

      The fact that she has Parents and a Sister like you who really loves her is a big blessing. There are many people all throughout the world with no parents, going through extremely tough situations. Sometimes having to chose between committing major sins (theft/prostitution/drug dealing etc) or being able to eat that night all while having to take care of a smaller sibling. All this while never knowing the love of a family. Even under those circumstances they try there best to keep to the word of Allah. These are amoungst the people we will be compared to if we use that excuse of 'going through hard times' with Allah.

      I would suggest you get her more involved in Islamic programs and try to get her into Islamic oriented social clubs where she could make friends her own age. As for marriage, maybe she should not go through the grape vine and just put it out there that she's avaliable for marriage and see what happens. If your families super cultural then this is going to limit options for you alot as your only going to get people from 1 country/tribe but anything is better then what she is doing now. You should talk to them about considering other Muslims not from your own country or race as that will open up many doors for her. It does not seem like she's that cultural as she's dating an atheist who is most likely not for your culture.

      As for the guy, he should convert. If he does convert then that's half the problem gone right there. If he does not not convert, he is a disbeliever regardless of how nice the boy is. The rules are the same.

      I know this is bitter. But this is the truth.

      May Allah guide her.
      Last edited by Glow; 17-04-12, 08:08 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

        asalmoalaikum...
        its a lil unfit for me to comment..but will surely like to give my own examle ovr here..
        c dear.. i was also in d same situation.. i too found a non muslim who healed me of my distress...n i evn had a relationship of 2 years..
        but i always knew dat i m doin wrng n its not gonna do any gud to me..
        fortunately..wid allah's blessings..i ended d relationship last week only..
        u too tell ur sis to thnk beyond d positive sides of d reltnshp..she will defntly find sumone in her lyf who wud b far btr dn dis non muslim..

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

          whatever she's been through, having relationships outside of marriage is not acceptable

          both of you don't sound very mature, a few things about hell taught at an islamic school shouldn't affect your whole life

          tell her to get a grip and drop him before he leads her away from islam

          He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His angels, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the Believers. [Quran {33:43}]
          www.QuranicAudio.com
          www.Quran.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

            Glow - thanks for your reply.

            Well she's already in her mid-late twenties, and most of the practicing Muslim women around her age are married or have their own clique already - in other words, no ones really open to having close friends anymore, perhaps just someone to say salams to at an event and make small talk, but nothing much more than that. Unfortunately, it's hard to break into these cliques once they're already past a certain age, especially if you don't come with other friends, or aren't from the same culture. Also, because Muslim women younger than her tend to be my peers, and usually they ARE girls I'm friends with or know anyway, I think she feels that they're my peers, and people that she'd have to sort of look after.

            We also come from a minority(culture-wise) even amongst Muslims here in the community. So that's probably why it's been hard for her to find good Muslim friends and also the fact that we're mix (but that identity issue is whole other story). Both of my brothers married outside our whatever-culture that we are. Well Alhamdulilah I have parents like that..and even though they are the same parents, well I'm the youngest and I guess don't mind being treated like the youngest, but for her it's a different case. Let's say I usually got the better end of the stick.

            I've tried in the past to get her to come to Islamic stuff but I always end up being too aggressive and forceful (me being the impatient, moody younger sister..I don't know how she deals with me sometimes!)... so really, it's definitely partly my fault that she has this sort of negative thing towards it. If I had followed Islam more closely and followed the Prophet's saws example, I should've been more gentle and more merciful.

            I know she doesn't want to go through the grape vine or do anything like that. She's also considered just not getting married.

            I guess the most I can do is to continue making Du'a for her and ever so gently try to get her to come to Islamic programs.

            Sorry if it sounds like I'm just trying to defend against everything you wrote. Maybe it just helps think.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

              I don't get how people can say "we should follow the Prophet (saw)'s example and be gentle with kindness"?

              Do you really think if we lived in the time if the Prophet (saw) he would allow this?

              When he called people to Islam and women accepted but their husbands didn't, they were told to leave their husbands. But it's ok for your sister to carry on this relationship out of mercy?

              Does she love her boyfriend more than Allah swt? Is the boyfriend going to lead her to Jannat?

              People need to stop accepting and tolerating the wrong actions of others and using the old gentle/kindness excuse. Don't take this as a personal attack on you sister, but I'm seeing this more and more and it sickens me. The Prophet (saw) went through so much to bring us Islam and here we are just twisting what's acceptable for our own desires.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                sis, i am in my mid to late twenties and trust me most of the muslim women our age dont have their own cliques, many are very lonely. I only found practicing muslim friends after my children started school. where are you supposed to meet sisters naturally before this? also i dont think married sisters have any problem befriending non married sisters :scratch: my groups of freinds are constantly adding new people as new people come to school or area or start coming to our circles etc.
                personally i find it quite hard to make friends at islamic events, as everyone already goes in groups etc and people dont really look out for loners! but small circles at the masjid, tajweed classes etc are better for this. even non islamic based activities depending on area could have sisters attending so are a good place to make friends.
                Originally posted by MH10 View Post
                Glow - thanks for your reply.

                Well she's already in her mid-late twenties, and most of the practicing Muslim women around her age are married or have their own clique already - in other words, no ones really open to having close friends anymore, perhaps just someone to say salams to at an event and make small talk, but nothing much more than that. Unfortunately, it's hard to break into these cliques once they're already past a certain age, especially if you don't come with other friends, or aren't from the same culture. Also, because Muslim women younger than her tend to be my peers, and usually they ARE girls I'm friends with or know anyway, I think she feels that they're my peers, and people that she'd have to sort of look after.

                We also come from a minority(culture-wise) even amongst Muslims here in the community. So that's probably why it's been hard for her to find good Muslim friends and also the fact that we're mix (but that identity issue is whole other story). Both of my brothers married outside our whatever-culture that we are. Well Alhamdulilah I have parents like that..and even though they are the same parents, well I'm the youngest and I guess don't mind being treated like the youngest, but for her it's a different case. Let's say I usually got the better end of the stick.

                I've tried in the past to get her to come to Islamic stuff but I always end up being too aggressive and forceful (me being the impatient, moody younger sister..I don't know how she deals with me sometimes!)... so really, it's definitely partly my fault that she has this sort of negative thing towards it. If I had followed Islam more closely and followed the Prophet's saws example, I should've been more gentle and more merciful.

                I know she doesn't want to go through the grape vine or do anything like that. She's also considered just not getting married.

                I guess the most I can do is to continue making Du'a for her and ever so gently try to get her to come to Islamic programs.

                Sorry if it sounds like I'm just trying to defend against everything you wrote. Maybe it just helps think.

                Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                  they left their husbands but the ummah was their family. this sister has not even one friend. this is not a deficiency in one person it is a symptom of deficincies in the ummah.

                  if this girls dad stopped earning tomorrow, who would help? the masjids? no they send all zakaat back home, the ummah wouldnt care.
                  Originally posted by Starman1 View Post
                  I don't get how people can say "we should follow the Prophet (saw)'s example and be gentle with kindness"?so how can you compare to s

                  Do you really think if we lived in the time if the Prophet (saw) he would allow this?

                  When he called people to Islam and women accepted but their husbands didn't, they were told to leave their husbands. But it's ok for your sister to carry on this relationship out of mercy?

                  Does she love her boyfriend more than Allah swt? Is the boyfriend going to lead her to Jannat?

                  People need to stop accepting and tolerating the wrong actions of others and using the old gentle/kindness excuse. Don't take this as a personal attack on you sister, but I'm seeing this more and more and it sickens me. The Prophet (saw) went through so much to bring us Islam and here we are just twisting what's acceptable for our own desires.

                  Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                  (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                    WalaikumAsalaam i can sympathise with your plight.

                    However you were wrong to give her unwavering support for marrying a non Muslim.

                    You need to give your sister some tough love.

                    I know people can be cliquey but get her to make friends on an online Muslim community to begin with. But not this forums she will find you've been talkin about her.

                    Also suggest a cooling off period for her boyfriend. Its clear he is not in the mood for any religion let alone Islam.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                      i agree that you need to tell her she will always be your sister you will always love and support her, but that means you will also tell her when she is wrong and you wont help her in committing haram. make it clear although you love her you wont accept a non muslim brother in law, you will still see her, be there for her etc but that is not approval.

                      Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                      (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                        Originally posted by naila-k View Post
                        they left their husbands but the ummah was their family. this sister has not even one friend. this is not a deficiency in one person it is a symptom of deficincies in the ummah.
                        Yes it's a problem but one needs to rely on Allah and not turn to kafir members of the opposite sex for comfort and friendship. What you've said above can be taken as "it's alright because the Ummah have failed her".

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                          no what i clearly said was you cant compare this situation to the siituation of sahabiyya who left their non muslim husbands, as they had the support and comfort of the ummah, and she doesnt. not that it is ok.

                          Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                          (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                            To the op, you seen met muslim brothers and not one is good enough for her? Well it could be vice versa, with her having a non-muslim bf, no?

                            The excuse of having no muslim friends etc etc is no excuse to commit sins especially major ones, we are judge upon our own deeds, not our mothers or fathers or friends, we go to our graves alone, when Allah (swt) ask you in why you went out with a kuffar, you would say "i never had a good upbringing or i never had muslim friends" Allahuma maghfir lee.

                            Most nights if not every night, im worrying about when i go to my grave being totally fearful, knowing ive committed way to many sins, repenting for any sins i may have done, making tawbah etc n i am still worried, where on the other hand we have sisters/brothers who are worried about a non muslim bf and being torn between islam and them subhanAllah. Allah (swt) has truly blessed me

                            To the op, if you're sister was a practising muslim, then she wouldnt be in the position she is now, practising muslim means following the Qur'an and sunnah and not you're own wims/nafs.

                            Tell her to make tawbah, cut all contact with any non-mahram, get closer to Allah (swt) then start looking for a pious man inshaAllah.
                            Allahumma Insur Al-Islam Wal-Muslimeen

                            Ahasiban naasu ay yutrakoo ay yaqooloo aamannaa wa hum laa yuftanoon. (Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction? Surah 29 (2)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Non-Muslim boyfriend

                              mashallah for being a supportive sister. If the only real beauty of Islam your sister sees is through you, then you should continue to support her but also be firm and assertive by saying something like "you'll always be my sister no matter what and im always here for you but i cannot accept the fact that you go away from Islam because it hurts me too much that you are hurting Allah"

                              You said your sister cares for you and looked after you so wouldnt she want you to be happy too. Tell her how unhappy it makes you to see her going away from Islam and how you worry about her and that you just want her to experience the beautiful feeling of trying to get close to Allah like you do because she is your sister and you care about her too and you want for her what you have.

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