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Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

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  • Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

    Sex and Islam do mix, but not in America

    Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph with a spouse and 2.3 children without being taught how to start the engine

    America's contradictory and passive-aggressive dalliance with sexuality is reflected within its Muslim communities. For some, it is difficult to believe that sexual organs function the same whether they are hidden behind a burqa or a bikini. As a Muslim man, I can verify that Muslims experience the same universal awkwardness of finding "hair in new places" as any other pimpled adolescent; the onslaught of puberty is precisely the time when parents need to have the "birds and the bees" talk to facilitate open lines of communication guiding them through these changes.

    In many American Muslim families, however, the only lecture given is "Don't do it!". Although "it" is never defined, everyone generally understands "it" as a catch-all-provision for any first-to-fourth base activity with the opposite gender before marriage. One would assume the freedom of college would automatically cure all these societal repressions and allow parents to be more open. However, the story of comedian and journalist Aman Ali is sadly familiar to many American Muslims:

    "When I started college, my mom told me: 'You're there to study, if I catch you talking to a girl, I will break your neck.' By the time I graduated, my mom told me: 'Why haven't you found any good girls to marry? You're so old!'"

    To readers ignorant of Islamic religious traditions, this fits a reductive stereotype of Islam as an austere terrain of angry, bearded men who forcefully engage in joyless sex with oppressed, silent women between bouts of burning American flags and eating copious amounts of hummus. The other extreme depiction of Islamic sexuality plays out like an orientalist fantasy directed by the makers of Sex and the City 2 and features harems, hookahs, magic carpets and a pornocopia of fetishes unfit to print.

    Yet Islam, as practised by the prophet Muhammad, is refreshingly candid and human in its treatment of sexuality. The hadith literature the scholarly collections documenting the sayings, behaviours and etiquette of the prophet provides ample evidence of this. The early followers of Islam bluntly asked the prophet about sex and marriage in order to correctly practise their new religion. Many books have been written by renowned scholars citing the prophet's healthy attitude towards sexuality, which encouraged foreplay, playfulness and compassion between consenting, married adults.

    The prophetic conduct towards sex has been abandoned by several American Muslim communities, particularly those of immigrant descent, in favour of outright silence. Topics including an acknowledgement of realities such as pregnancies before marriage or adultery are rarely mentioned in many Muslim circles; the fear being that acknowledgement would act as an endorsement, validation and inspiration for unislamic sexual deviances.

    During a Muslim's youth and adolescence, many elders promote repression. However, when this individual becomes a single, unmarried adult in their late 20s or 30s, they are bludgeoned with repeated commands to "settle down". Muslim youth are expected to go from 0 to 60 mph with a spouse, 2.3 kids and a suburban home without being taught how to start the engine and how to maintain the vehicle on its journey.

    Sometimes, age functions as the greatest prophylactic. This is most noticeable in what is currently deemed the great "epidemic" of single, professional Muslim American women in their 30s who face a double standard. Unlike men, they are unfairly accused of forfeiting domesticity for the sake of personal ambition. As the communities have failed to establish a healthy paradigm for social interactions, there is no quick-fix solution. Thus, they are increasingly marginalised as write-offs, ultimately destined to roam forever as the single walking dead. Single Muslim men in their 30s are like Will Smith from I Am Legend sole representatives of an increasingly extinct species wandering the wasteland in solitude and depression. The assumptions are either the man is gay, a sexually promiscuous player and thus unsuitable for marriage, or that he has issues with his "equipment".

    Mosques and Muslim community centres ensure singles remain sexless. The gender dynamics displayed within many of these social environments reflect the hypocrisy and absurdity of American Muslim gender relations. The exaggerated gender segregation often found in some mosques actually engenders the exact behaviour and mindset it seeks to eliminate. It treats single Muslims as if they are sex-depraved, ravenous beasts ready to pounce on one another like a Jane Austen heroine unleashed on her wedding night. The walls between genders both figurative and literal are analogues to the pink elephant. The more you're asked not to think about it, the harder it is not to.

    Instead of repressing the elephant, perhaps it's time to acknowledge the elephant's existence, respectfully offer to buy it a non-alcoholic beverage, and compliment it on the size of its tusks all the while still adhering to one's religious values. There is hope that the birds and bees talk of today will evolve from "Don't do it!" to "Do it!" in a manner that is respectful, comfortable and natural to the sensibilities of Muslim individuals and communities.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2012/apr/10/sex-islam-america
    https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

    Great article. Lots of truth to it and definitely on point.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

      in the 1950's or so, sex education was thought to be a great idea, help young teens understand the development of their bodies, teach them how it functions

      50yrs later, the entire society has fallen apart

      sometimes what sounds like a good idea, is not
      .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
      نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
      دولة الإسلامية باقية





      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

        You're right, Insomnia. It is a great article! "In many American Muslim families, however, the only lecture given is "Don't do it!" " <---exactly. There is a double message that says Muslims should both "avoid the opposite sex" and "rush to marriage" at the same time. Confusing. We've got to do better to prepare our youth. I've written about this topic too. Here's a link if anyone wants to check it out:)
        [FONT=Century Gothic][I][SIZE=4][URL="http://nadirahangail.com/books/wwlaw/"][COLOR=#ff0000]Malikah, Aliyah, Mariam and Jaime would love to meet you! You'll never guess what they learned along the way...[/COLOR][/URL][/SIZE][/I][CENTER]:love:[/CENTER][/FONT]

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        • #5
          Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

          Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
          In many American Muslim families, however, the only lecture given is "Don't do it!". Although "it" is never defined, everyone generally understands "it" as a catch-all-provision for any first-to-fourth base activity with the opposite gender before marriage.
          Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
          "When I started college, my mom told me: 'You're there to study, if I catch you talking to a girl, I will break your neck.' By the time I graduated, my mom told me: 'Why haven't you found any good girls to marry? You're so old!'"
          :rotfl: So funny but sadly true.

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          • #6
            Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

            Originally posted by NadirahAngail View Post
            You're right, Insomnia. It is a great article! "In many American Muslim families, however, the only lecture given is "Don't do it!" " <---exactly. There is a double message that says Muslims should both "avoid the opposite sex" and "rush to marriage" at the same time. Confusing. We've got to do better to prepare our youth. I've written about this topic too. Here's a link if anyone wants to check it out:)
            i wonder how many children you guys have raised in american society

            all of my kids got the "dont do it" speech, and alhamdulillah, things have turned out alright

            but they also got the "men are dogs" speech, women are "she-devils" speech

            they also got the "music is haram" speech and the "kuffar are trying to destroy you" speech

            alongside the "fear Allah" speech and "Allah sees all that you do", combined with the "this life is a test" speech and "your desires can lead you to hell" speech

            but what we didnt do is delve into what sex was and was not

            it is not necessary to tell hormone-driven kids the joys of sex, they feel that inherently

            but the "be patient until the right one comes along, or else you could make the worst mistake of your life" was the last speech i had to give, and alhamdulillah, things are ok
            .لا نريد زعيما يخاف البيت الإبيض
            نريد زعيما يخاف الواحد الأحد
            دولة الإسلامية باقية





            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

              oh yes , the most important issue of the ummah is sex ed.

              great article!



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              • #8
                Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                I think the problem is many Muslims won't even speak to their children about the changes their body is got through. I remember reading a news article a while back how this 12 year old girl in Bangladesh I got her period on her way to school. She didn't t know what it was and she freaked out. So the driver told her I know how to stop it. So he proceeded having sex with her. A few months later they found out she was pregnant.

                Now this is a extreme example. But this is why it is important to talk to your kids about puberty and sex.

                You can talk to your kids about sex without promoting per martial sex.
                Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.
                (Surah Az Zumar, (Chapter 39: Verse 53)

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                • #9
                  Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                  "When I started college, my mom told me: 'You're there to study, if I catch you talking to a girl, I will break your neck.' By the time I graduated, my mom told me: 'Why haven't you found any good girls to marry? You're so old!'"
                  This is kind of funny.
                  [RIGHT][SIZE=4]فباي الاء ربكما تكذبان[/SIZE][/RIGHT]

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                  • #10
                    Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                    Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
                    in the 1950's or so, sex education was thought to be a great idea, help young teens understand the development of their bodies, teach them how it functions

                    50yrs later, the entire society has fallen apart

                    sometimes what sounds like a good idea, is not
                    Salaam

                    The reason for the fall of society was not sex education though, it was the sexual revolution (not linked). And in case you have forgotten, Ulema have written pretty candidly about sex in books for centuries. I think the point of the article is that there are rulings for example (relating to sex) that people will never learn due to the taboo around the subject. A good example is how I was speaking to a friend who was going to get married and I spoke of how it is necessary for both spouses to satisfy each other, including the husband satisfying the wife. The response I received was 'isn't that makruh?' I hope you understand the frustration that could build in a household if a husband thought it was makruh for his wife to enjoy intercourse

                    The same for issues relating to contraception. If people do not talk about it, how will they learn it's rulings? Most people just end up making assumptions as coming out with blanket statements such as 'its haram' or 'its halal' when the real answer is 'it depends'.

                    I know people who thought zina was haram but masturbation was ok. Again, they were wrong but if the parents/imams never told them, do they not share the blame?

                    The fact remains that most parents just tell their kids 'you can't have a boyfriend/girlfriend' and leave it at that and one day, they may get them married (at a later age than they should most likely) and expect them to work it out themselves. And that's probably not such a good idea

                    :jkk:

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                      Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
                      i wonder how many children you guys have raised in american society

                      all of my kids got the "dont do it" speech, and alhamdulillah, things have turned out alright

                      but they also got the "men are dogs" speech, women are "she-devils" speech

                      they also got the "music is haram" speech and the "kuffar are trying to destroy you" speech

                      alongside the "fear Allah" speech and "Allah sees all that you do", combined with the "this life is a test" speech and "your desires can lead you to hell" speech

                      but what we didnt do is delve into what sex was and was not

                      it is not necessary to tell hormone-driven kids the joys of sex, they feel that inherently

                      but the "be patient until the right one comes along, or else you could make the worst mistake of your life" was the last speech i had to give, and alhamdulillah, things are ok
                      yeah true. i just don't like it when you have liberals trying to chip away at our culture with their modernist views.
                      The Crisis of ISIS (Response to Hamza Yusuf)
                      Destroying the lies of the Murjiah!
                      http://www.islamic-awareness.org
                      http://islamqa.info/ - Best source on Islamic fatwas
                      Shia Death squads in Iraq ethnically cleansing Sunnis

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                      • #12
                        Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                        Originally posted by LondonGal View Post

                        "When I started college, my mom told me: 'You're there to study, if I catch you talking to a girl, I will break your neck.' By the time I graduated, my mom told me: 'Why haven't you found any good girls to marry? You're so old!'"
                        That is exactly what I heard, both parts. Including if you knew you were gonan be this picky why didn't u pick someone out in univ.

                        SEx ed did start in the 1950 and was a good idea. Kids in the 1950s and 1960s were very well behaved.
                        The society fall apart in 1970 from hippys not sex ed
                        Last edited by Kya; 11-04-12, 08:53 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                          Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
                          i wonder how many children you guys have raised in american society

                          all of my kids got the "dont do it" speech, and alhamdulillah, things have turned out alright

                          but the "be patient until the right one comes along, or else you could make the worst mistake of your life" was the last speech i had to give, and alhamdulillah, things are ok
                          THe problem isn't first half of the speech. It is when kids get to last line. When they are of age to get married, you face 2 different type of problem
                          1) Those eager to get to 60mph & are frustrated at parents/masjid/community for not having a husband/wife ready for them. Among them some will listen to paatient speech others will go around message board like ummah and complain & others will lose their patiency and marry the wrong person or must worst.
                          2) Slow grower who are still at 0mph while they are of age to get married. Parents n society is rushing to introduce them to prospect. But after avoiding opposite gender for years they rn't ready to jump in marriage. AFter few very akward meeting, he/she might just avoide meeting all together. Then parents wonder, what happened?

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                          • #14
                            Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                            Originally posted by Kya View Post
                            2) Slow grower who are still at 0mph while they are of age to get married. Parents n society is rushing to introduce them to prospect. But after avoiding opposite gender for years they rn't ready to jump in marriage. AFter few very akward meeting, he/she might just avoide meeting all together. Then parents wonder, what happened?

                            A large group of men belong to this group as sister LondonGal has said on numerous occasion and i have seen for myself men are getting married a lot older. People are getting Master degrees some men are starting University very late in their 24-27 because lets face it they played about a little too much in the early years.

                            The two biggest factors why people are not getting married young is A University Education and B Not being able to get considered if you dont have Full time employement.

                            So there is little any Imam and community can do unless we start suggesting that we import wives and husbands over the moment our kids turn 16

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                            • #15
                              Re: Muslim youth are asked to go from 0 to 60 mph

                              Originally posted by AhlulQuran88 View Post
                              A large group of men belong to this group as sister LondonGal has said on numerous occasion and i have seen for myself men are getting married a lot older. People are getting Master degrees some men are starting University very late in their 24-27 because lets face it they played about a little too much in the early years. The two biggest factors why people are not getting married young is A University Education and B Not being able to get considered if you dont have Full time employement.

                              So there is little any Imam and community can do unless we start suggesting that we import wives and husbands over the moment our kids turn 16
                              I am not sure what you mean by "playing about bit too much". I hope you mean playing videogame and being in 0mph refusing to grow up. Because that is what i meant. I would hate to see people jump to conclusion that just because someone has hard time jumping in marriage means they have been doing haram activites.

                              I would add another factor for people marrying late is C. No high desire to get married (without falling in haram path). I am talking about the brother who ends hiking and traveling & wants to finish his adventure side before settling. I am talking abt the sister who realize the responsibility of marriage and would rather wait to take that one.

                              I do think talking to kids after they turn 16 or once in high school about marriage and start to introduce them to potential definitly by age 18, even if it means 4 yr engagment/nikka period is a good idea.

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