Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Rejecting a really good proposal

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Rejecting a really good proposal

    :salams Dear fellow muslims,

    I am in a situation and need your opinion. I recently rejected a really really good proposal. Inshallah I dont regret this:embar:... so I just want to know that I am doing the right thing here.

    I got a proposal from a family friend. Mashallah everything was great. Our families have known each other since before I was born. The brother was mashallah amazing, very compatible and everything. But there is one big problem, because of which I had to reject this proposal.

    The problem is with my studies. I am studying in a different place and I wont be done for a while. The brother cant come to that place and he wants to get settled wherever he is. My parents put a lot of money and effort into my studies and I am half way done with it. The only way we could work things out would be for me to leave my studies.

    I know it seems unreasonable that I rejected such a good proposal just because I want to pursue my studies, which frankly speaking is not even an obligation upon a muslimah. I also know that marriage is more important in islam. I am not one of those career-oriented women who would put their career before their family. I very much want to have a nice family. And this might sound weird but I cant wait to be a mother inshallah :D Its one of my dreams actually because I absolutely love love love children and cant wait to have my own inshallah!

    Anyways. The thing is that I am studying something major, not something small which I can leave that easy. If I left it I know my parents will be very disheartened. They have been so proud of me and I was sort of a beacon of hope for them for all the tough times they have seen in their lives. I know I would make my parents really really proud and happy if I achieved my goal. Also if I left my studies my efforts will go to waste and I would not achieve my goal of becoming what I am. I really want to pursue this but I am also aware that the worldly things are temporary and we will all eventually return to Allah (swt). So in the end me becoming this or that will be of no use unless I plan to help my muslim brothers and sisters out, which inshallah I do plan on doing in the very near future (May Allah grant me the tawfeeq). So apart from making my parents happy, inshallah I would also be helping out muslims around the world with this knowledge inshallah. These two things are my motivation to keep going

    But if these factors werent there and if it were totally upto me, I would have went with the proposal and left my studies
    Thats because of the role of a woman in islam. However I could be wrong regarding this. Thats why I need some major life-changing advice. For now I decided that I could not disappoint my parents like this only to marry someone who I think is a really good match. I am in the hopes of finding someone else who will be equally compatible if not better and also be suitable so I can get married and finish my studies inshallah inshallah -pray:

    I did istikhara and I have been going with the flow of the situation. My ultimate trust and hope is in Allah alone. I think if Allah had willed it, we would not be seeing these issues even tough everything seems perfect. Though the proposal was good and everything, I am currently in a very satisfied state as I am happy with the will of Allah. But I also want to know if I am doing the right thing or not islamically, so I dont regret it later on because of lack of my knowledge right now.

    So please share your thoughts on this matter. Am I doing the right thing by rejecting this proposal?

    By the way, it is still possible that we let them know that we want to work something out. Its not too late (I hope). I really appreciate everyone's input. Jazakallah khair everyone :)
    Last edited by Feesabillilah89; 06-04-12, 09:51 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

    :wswrwb:

    :masha:

    Why can't you get the nikah done, then move after finishing your studies? Have you talked to the brother about this option?

    Also, did you parents tell you to reject the proposal and continue with your studies or something else?
    Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

    "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
    - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

      :wswrwb: have u spoken to ur parents about it ? seems that u only refused because u are feeling bad that ur parents spent so much money on education ? if so then seems obvious to talk to them. but if u have already outright refused it could be the brother will look elsewhere, so i would advise talking this through with ur parents in depth before hes found someone else to marry.
      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

      The Prophet :saw: said:

      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

      muslim

      Narrated 'Abdullah:

      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

        Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
        :wswrwb:

        :masha:

        Why can't you get the nikah done, then move after finishing your studies? Have you talked to the brother about this option?

        Also, did you parents tell you to reject the proposal and continue with your studies or something else?
        We've discussed this option with them but the thing is that they want him to get married and be settled within a year. My studies are a bit longer than that. So even though its possible to get nikah done right now, he wont be settled in a year.

        My parents did not openly tell me to reject the proposal. As the discussions went and we figured we cant work things out, we all just kind of let it go I guess.

        In reply to sister asiya:

        I havent discussed the option of leaving my studies with my parents. I do not want to put this idea in them that I am open in considering this option. I guess because it would hurt them. Because consider this: when parents leave their home country in order to pursue a better life for their children in terms of education and living, they leave all they have behind. They sacrifice a lot just so their children can be educated in the best schools, get the best standard of living. I mean thats the main reason why people come from third world countries to the west right. Some people face a lot more hardships than others. So when the child decides to leave his/her education right when he's halfway from finishing it, it would be a great disappointment to the parents. I am not sure if you get the picture here. But basically its not about the money. That factor is also there but its not so great to become the deciding factor. I just dont want to let my parents down because they've struggled a lot.

        Also personally I want to continue with my education, but I am willing to let it go for the sake of Allah. But at the same time, isnt disappointing your parents a big deal in islam, especially just because you want to marry someone. Its not like he is the only compatible person for me in the world. When one door closes, another opens right.

        But then islamically marriage is sunnah and education is not as important. So I am sort of confused with all this. Which weighs higher on the scale and which option has more benefits as a whole...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

          Sister, at least, for now, you should try to reconcile both sides. Get your education and marry the brother, esp. since your education is gonna help the Ummah :insha:

          Since, he won't ne settled in a year and your education will take a little more than that, then why not get married and live at your parents for that time?
          Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

          "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
          - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

            Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
            Sister, at least, for now, you should try to reconcile both sides. Get your education and marry the brother, esp. since your education is gonna help the Ummah :insha:

            Since, he won't ne settled in a year and your education will take a little more than that, then why not get married and live at your parents for that time?
            Jazakallah khair for the reply brother.

            You are right about that. I will try to reconcile and see if one side can try to compromise. It would be perfect if I could do both. It would help everyone out. And yes inshallah my education will definitely help the ummah.

            Sorry I didnt explain properly. I meant that his family wants someone who can get married in a year and live with him so he can be settled and be able to start a family and all that. They dont want his wife going back and forth and they dont want the nikah period to be too long. He is sort of under pressure because he's not married so he wants to get everything done sooner than I can finish my studies.

            There is also an issue that its difficult to get internship (which is necessary for me to practice in my field) wherever he is located. Nonetheless its not impossible but they are saying that even if we wait what if you dont get internship where he is. I dont understand this what if situation... Allah is abjle to do all things so why lose hope

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

              Eh...forget the internship for now. They're thinking too far.

              I think you should tell him your plans about education. And, also that you'd like to get married, but would also need someone who can be a bit flexible and wait a little bit longer. I mean, in the end, you are both married, anyway, so you can talk to each other without any problems and even meet, when possible.

              However, what are you going to do after that time is up? Start a family or do internship? How are you gonna start a family and pursue your career and be a wife all together?
              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                :wswrwb:

                Do Istikhara

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                  Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                  Eh...forget the internship for now. They're thinking too far.

                  I think you should tell him your plans about education. And, also that you'd like to get married, but would also need someone who can be a bit flexible and wait a little bit longer. I mean, in the end, you are both married, anyway, so you can talk to each other without any problems and even meet, when possible.

                  However, what are you going to do after that time is up? Start a family or do internship? How are you gonna start a family and pursue your career and be a wife all together?
                  We've talked about all the possibilities but none of them are good enough. After finishing studies I will do internship which is for 2 years and then inshallah I will start a family. Internship is sort of a requirement in order to practice (or be qualified enough to work independently) but I am flexible in terms of the location. I have options of doing it in different places. If I didnt do internship I wouldnt be able to go back home or anywhere else I want to and use my skills properly.

                  They are ok with me doing internship and even working after (though I dont want to because Id rather start a family as soon as I can). They even said that if you want to study something here (wherever he is), then you can. Basically all they want is that I be with him and live with him, doesnt matter whether I study, work or dont do anything.

                  To me it kind of seems silly because marriage is a life-long committment and just because of these few things, we are letting go of what could potentially be a very happy relationship. In a few years these things will all be over. But maybe there is no khair in this thats why these little problems are coming up.

                  I am just wondering where the greater good lies. Is it more rewarding that I be married and serve my role as a proper muslimah should by being an obedient wife and a good mother? Or is it more rewarding that you gain the pleasure of your parents and you utilize this opportunity which not many of us get and gain skills which you can use in the way of Allah?

                  What is more pleasing to Allah?

                  By the way, I really appreciate your help.
                  Last edited by Feesabillilah89; 07-04-12, 12:08 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                    Originally posted by Starman1 View Post
                    :wswrwb:

                    Do Istikhara
                    I did do istikhara. I didnt get anything direct. But I do feel that we are leaving this due to petty things. I dont know if thats of any importance.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                      a couple of sisters i have known who studied and qualified as pharmacists,and dentists got married had children and never worked again. even when the kids grow up ur qualifications will be outdated and u will need to go back to study for more. personally i dont see whats the point of delaying marriage for education. if the right proposal has come along take it, im sure most parents would understand that, every parents wants the best for their child and to see them happy and secure especially in marriage insha Allah.
                      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                      The Prophet :saw: said:

                      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                      muslim

                      Narrated 'Abdullah:

                      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                        Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                        a couple of sisters i have known who studied and qualified as pharmacists,and dentists got married had children and never worked again. even when the kids grow up ur qualifications will be outdated and u will need to go back to study for more. personally i dont see whats the point of delaying marriage for education. if the right proposal has come along take it, im sure most parents would understand that, every parents wants the best for their child and to see them happy and secure especially in marriage insha Allah.
                        Yes you are right. Thats a point I have been considering. Its true that many sisters get educated only to get married later and never look back again. But with me I want to do something with it. I dont really want to work and make a living out of it. But I want to use it where its needed, as in a voluntary sense. Like I really want to go back home and help people out who are suffering, even if its for a little bit. I can make it work even if I have a family, like we all go for vacation back home, wouldnt it be great if you are actually helping people out while you were there or wherever else muslims need help.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                          Also I agree with you sis asiya that marriage should not be delayed for education. Thats why I am debating with myself.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                            I agree with Sister Asiya. But as brother .mirror said, try to get both things and if things reach to a point where you have to choose, (given brother has deen and you like brother) inshaAllah go with brother. May Allah help you towards the right decision.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Rejecting a really good proposal

                              Originally posted by Feesabillilah89 View Post
                              Also I agree with you sis asiya that marriage should not be delayed for education. Thats why I am debating with myself.
                              Salam aleykom, I'd say get married and continue your studies! Not every muslimah can help the ummah in that way...
                              + if everyone choses marriage over job then where are we going to find muslim female doctors etc? and then we'd find some people saying "we don't want to go see a male doctor"!
                              Marriage + work isnt incompatible. kids, it can wait i mean you don't wanna be pregnant by the first year in your marriage anyway (I wouldnt at least, But Allah swt is the one Who decide and I don't)
                              I'd say, if its not possible with him, try to find someone who wouldnt mind/ with whom it would work out
                              May Allah give you the best in this dunya and in the akhira; Amin
                              Istikhara, Istikhara, Istikhara...

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X