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The role of preference in marriage

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  • The role of preference in marriage

    :salams

    I made this thread because the topic of preference regarding non-religious matters appears from time to time in the marriage section and I was wondering what do many of the members of this forum think of this topic.

    From my experience, majority of people have some sort of preference in what they are seeking in a spouse. I mean all the "Would you marry..." threads in the marriage section is basically someone asking what your preference is regarding a certain issue.

    And just as many people have preferences regarding certain things, many people are also indifferent and don't have a preference at all about many things.

    Just to give examples of some of these things:

    • Some sisters prefer men taller than them. Some might prefer shorter. Some are indifferent and height doesn't matter.
    • Some bros prefer women shorter than them. Some might prefer taller. Some are indifferent and height doesn't matter.
    • Some sisters prefer men older than them. Some might prefer younger. Some are indifferent and age doesn't matter.
    • Some bros prefer women younger than them. Some might prefer older. Some are indifferent and age doesn't matter.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer marrying from the West. Some prefer from 'back-home'. And some are indifferent and don't care where they are from.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer to marry someone who speaks the same language as them. Some are indifferent and language isn't an issue.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer someone with same cultural heritage as them. Some prefer someone with a different cultural heritage. Some are indifferent between any of this.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer to marry a divorcee. Some prefer not to marry a divorcee. And some are indifferent and it doesn't matter.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer to marry a widow. Some prefer not to marry a widow. And some are indifferent and it doesn't matter.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer to marry someone without children. Some would prefer to marry someone with children. And some are indifferent and it doesn't matter.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer virgins. Some prefer someone who had no pre-marital relations. And some don't care about any of this.
    • Some sisters prefer a husband who has a certain level of wealth/income. And some sisters have no preference with regards to his level of wealth/income.
    • Some bros prefer a wife who can cook. And some bros are indifferent to whether she can cook or not.
    • Some sisters prefer men who are are really muscly. Some prefer who are moderately muscly. Some prefer men who are more slim and skinny. And some are indifferent towards nay of this.
    • Some bros prefer slim girls. Some prefer chubby girls. Some prefer really skinny girls. And some bros are indifferent.
    • Some sisters prefer dark skinned men. Some prefer light skinned men. Some prefer olive-skinned men. Some are indifferent towards any of this.
    • Some bros prefer dark skinned girls. Some prefer fair skinned women. Some prefer golden skinned girls. Some prefer pale women. Some prefer women with a tanned look. Some are indifferent towards any of this.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer Latino men/women. Some prefer African men/women. Some prefer Arab men/women. Some prefer Far East Asian men/women. Some prefer European men/women. And some are indifferent.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer someone without any fertility problems. And to some this doesn't matter.
    • Some bros/sisters prefer someone without any disability. Some might prefer someone with a disability. And some people are indifferent.
    • Some sisters prefer men who will only want one wife. Some prefer men who want to practise polygamy. Some are indifferent.
    • Some brothers prefer to marry girls who are willing to accept polygamy. And some brothers are indifferent and this doesn't matter to them.
    • And the list goes on.........



    So just want to ask the members:

    1) What do you think about this idea of preference?

    2) Is it possible for a person to be completely free of having any preference in non-religious matters?

    3) What is the reason behind showing hostility to someone who has a preference that is different or opposite?

    :jkk:
    Last edited by Khalid b. Walid; 05-04-12, 02:22 PM.

  • #2
    Re: The role of preference in marriage

    how long did it take u to write all those points?



    Comment


    • #3
      Re: The role of preference in marriage

      Originally posted by noobz View Post
      how long did it take u to write all those points?
      Just what I was about to say, we think alike

      He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His angels, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the Believers. [Quran {33:43}]
      www.QuranicAudio.com
      www.Quran.com

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      • #4
        Re: The role of preference in marriage

        Originally posted by Khalid b. Walid View Post
        :salams
        So just want to ask the members:

        1) What do you think about this idea of preference?

        2) Is it possible for a person to be completely free of having any preference in non-religious matters?

        3) What is the reason behind showing hostility to someone who has a preference that is different or opposite to ours?

        :jkk:
        1) Idea of preference...nothing wrong with it!
        2) Every individual has some sort of preference whether it be of a religious nature or not. The only thing is some people will freely admit to it whilst others do not & some are simply not aware of it until faced with it.
        3) Only a silly individual would show hostility toward another for prefering one thing over another. We have are allowed to have preferences and no man should say otherwise.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: The role of preference in marriage

          A quote from someone on facebook...

          "Allaah has already written the names of your spouses for you. What you need to work on is your relationship with Allaah. He will send her/him to you when you’re ready. It is only a matter of time!! Wait for your pious husband/ Wife.."

          You'll be attracted to the preference that you are *assigned* to, i guess. Makes no sense showing hostility to the preferences of others, however others shouldn't make their preferences a bench-mark for any silly notions that their choice is the better choice, unless and only it's judged by the Quranic and Prophetic ideal of taqwa.
          "Call unto thy Sustainer's path with wisdom and goodly exhortation, and argue with them in the most kindly manner-for, behold, thy Sustainer knows best as to who strays from His path, and best knows He as to who are the right-guided." [Al-Nahl, 16:125]

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: The role of preference in marriage

            preference is a part of beauty.
            only a silly person would separate perference from beauty,when actually there one in the same.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: The role of preference in marriage

              Allah ta ala has created the perfect spouse for you, you dont know in what package that spouse will come,you dont know if they will be tall or short, fat or thin, black, white, asian or south east asian. having preconcieved ideas about how your spouse will look and having a large pre- written shopping list of height, built, skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, amount of hair, type of job, amount of finances, size of property etc etc is unrealistic.

              search for a spouse of good deen, and character and then see how they look, and marry them if their looks are pleasing to you.
              "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

              The Prophet :saw: said:

              "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

              muslim

              Narrated 'Abdullah:

              The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


              "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

              By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

              [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: The role of preference in marriage

                everyone has their preference and a natural prejudice which is innate and also a learned behaviour, which is down to the individual and what they believe they would be able to live with. As to your third question, people will have differences of opinion which is to be expected, its just that what the majority of threads in this section show is a real lack of maturity in the individuals making the threads
                82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: The role of preference in marriage

                  Originally posted by Abda View Post
                  1) Idea of preference...nothing wrong with it!
                  2) Every individual has some sort of preference whether it be of a religious nature or not. The only thing is some people will freely admit to it whilst others do not & some are simply not aware of it until faced with it.
                  3) Only a silly individual would show hostility toward another for prefering one thing over another. We have are allowed to have preferences and no man should say otherwise.
                  I agree with what you say but this vibe of hostility is something I've noticed sometimes on this forum where intolerance is displayed towards those who may want something different to them or some factor may be important to them which is not important to you.

                  For example, a sister may say she doesn't want a husband who already has children and she may get jumped for it even though she has every right to hold such a preference.

                  A brother may say he prefers to marry a virgin and he may get blasted by sisters even though he has every right to have such a preference.

                  A sister will say she wants to marry someone with the same cultural background because she feels more compatible with such a person and people may act as if she said something wrong even though she has every right to have this preference.

                  It is this level of intolerance I do not understand and the desire to impose your view on someone simply because they have a different view to you.
                  Last edited by Khalid b. Walid; 06-04-12, 03:13 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: The role of preference in marriage

                    I do not understand the intolerance either.

                    Why am I going to think wrong of someone having preferences (that are not going to infringe on our Islamic principles) ?
                    We're human after all with likes and preferences and things we warm to, who am I to deny someone that as if we're all this homogeneous entity which we're not.

                    it's a non-issue, really.
                    'And when a thing for which you ask is slow to come,
                    Then know that often through delay are gifts received'
                    علي الحبشي

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: The role of preference in marriage

                      denying people preference is like saying your not allowed to marry whom you find attractive.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: The role of preference in marriage

                        Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                        Allah ta ala has created the perfect spouse for you, you dont know in what package that spouse will come,you dont know if they will be tall or short, fat or thin, black, white, asian or south east asian. having preconcieved ideas about how your spouse will look and having a large pre- written shopping list of height, built, skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, amount of hair, type of job, amount of finances, size of property etc etc is unrealistic.

                        search for a spouse of good deen, and character and then see how they look, and marry them if their looks are pleasing to you.
                        ^^^^ I agree.

                        People are using this term "preference" as an excuse to just reject people without even any consideration, i.e. based on their own preconceived ideas of others. That leads to problems such as people doing this complaining that they can't find a marriage partner, and some people being constantly turned down for marriage, without even being met, or considered, or anything, solely on the basis of something they have no control over like their ethnic origin, or some other fact about themselves.

                        Preference is something that you may have for one person over another *after meeting them* - but how can you say you have a preference for someone, or against someone, before you've even met them? It's about having an open mind and making your choices based on people as they actually are, not on preconceived ideas about them.
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                        • #13
                          Re: The role of preference in marriage

                          Originally posted by h-rahman View Post
                          denying people preference is like saying your not allowed to marry whom you find attractive.
                          It depends on when you decide what you prefer. If you meet several prospectives and prefer one of them, khalas that's fine marry them. But if you're turning down prospectives on the basis of one fact about them without even considering them, you're not having a preference for one person over another, you're having a preference for one preconceived idea over another.

                          When you reject someone you've never given a chance to solely on the basis of where they're from, then you can't use the word "preference" to disguise the fact that it's prejudice... i.e. pre judging people based on your preconceived ideas and stereotypes.
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                          • #14
                            Re: The role of preference in marriage

                            Originally posted by noobz View Post
                            how long did it take u to write all those points?
                            Originally posted by aadil77 View Post
                            Just what I was about to say, we think alike
                            aww, you guys are perfect for each other.
                            "They are Shuhadaa (witnesses) to the fact that this Deen is greater than life, that values are more important than blood and that principles are more precious than souls" - Sheikh 'Abdullah Azzam

                            Lost in Islamic History :inlove:

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                            • #15
                              Re: The role of preference in marriage

                              Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                              It depends on when you decide what you prefer. If you meet several prospectives and prefer one of them, khalas that's fine marry them. But if you're turning down prospectives on the basis of one fact about them without even considering them, you're not having a preference for one person over another, you're having a preference for one preconceived idea over another.

                              When you reject someone you've never given a chance to solely on the basis of where they're from, then you can't use the word "preference" to disguise the fact that it's prejudice... i.e. pre judging people based on your preconceived ideas and stereotypes.
                              Everyone has preconceived ideas about others to some extent.

                              How many people on this forum don't have preconceived ideas about Americans, for example? What if you have spent your entire life interacting with different races/cultures (which most of us have) and you already know that you are not compatible with certain people the same way that you are compatible with someone from your own race/culture? Do we still need to meet with such people? If I know, based on my own life-long interactions, that I am not compatible with an American man, is it wrong for me to refuse to meet with American men? Am I prejudiced because I know already that I don't like men who have been raised in American culture regardless of whether they are Muslim or not, because I know that people still do hold onto their culture to some extent?

                              I don't really see how a meeting changes anything. If you know what you want, then you know what you want. There are some things you are looking for in marriage that are absolute.

                              (This is hypothetical, by the way.)

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