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Do you think we don’t notice?

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  • Do you think we don’t notice?

    I’m creating this thread in response to a number of sisters who regularly complain about their husband’s roving eye.

    One sister recently told me that she never knew that being married would mean that she would start lacking in self confidence/self esteem. She said she had more confidence before she was married. Her husband makes her feel ‘ugly’.

    Another wife pointed out that, her husband thinks he’s being discreet when he looks and thinks she doesn’t notice. One sister complained that her husband isn’t even discreet about it and openly stares at other women.

    One sister told me that she has started to dislike wearing a hijaab and abayah because she believed that her beauty is for her husbands eyes only…..however, her husband is more interested in women who wear a lot less than an abayah and hijaab.

    Some sisters have to put up with their husbands pornographic viewing habits. These are the same women who look after their appearance and have never denied their husbands sex.

    Another wife feels frustrated about the fact that as a woman, she too has desires and needs. She also feels attracted to other men. It could be a bulked up man walking out of the gym or a powerful looking business man in a suit. However, the difference is, she works hard at lowering the gaze. She keeps herself in check and doesn’t look again after the first glance. However, the man in her life denies that attractive men would have an effect on his wife. He believes that this is an issue that only men battle with. The wife is increasingly frustrated with the fact that, she works hard at keeping herself in check. However, her husband is lax with this matter.

    Many men have been confronted about this issue.

    One husband complains that he can’t help it because it’s in a mans nature…they’re created weak etc etc

    Another complained that her husband gets angry when she brings it up because, ‘its not a big deal –he’s not having a affair. Only looking’

    One husband complained that, its cos his wife is not a 'stunner'. His weakness would have been kept in check if he married a stunningly attractive woman.

    Majority of these men believe that what they’re doing is not noticed by their wives or that it’s ‘not a big deal’.

    Majority of these men also do not realise what their wives think of them.

    Most of these women hold extremely low opinion of their men. Their men are oblivious to these views.

    One woman told me that, she has zero respect for her husband. That makes it hard for her to listen to anything he has to say. Everything he does looks hypocritical in her eyes.

    One sister told me that, she feels lucky that she doesn’t have any kids yet because she is actively seeking a ‘way out’. If she had children. It would be harder for her to make such a decision.

    Some have told me that, they absolutely despise having relations with their husbands. They fake interest. They’re extremely turned off and disgusted by them. That’s because they know, they’re not thinking about them. Especially when they approach their wife after a porn viewing session. Or after they’ve spent an afternoon at a mall/restaurant looking at women.

    The men who are lax with this rule are well known in society. These men often become the subject of ridicule during a women’s only event. That’s because, whenever the topic comes up about unmarried men/women. The women are very passionately against match making their unmarried friends/relatives etc with such men. It’s a massive black mark against the character of a man.

    I created this thread cos I was interested in gathering women’s views on this matter. From what I understand – many men genuinely believe that what they’re doing goes unnoticed or isn’t a big deal.
    https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

    What about the guys who don't do these despicable things?

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

      Originally posted by Uthmani View Post
      What about the guys who don't do these despicable things?
      What about them?

      I have only positive and good things to say about them - And yes, I'm sure women notice those men too.
      https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

        by the sound of it, it sounds like this sisters friends have forgotten their own duty to forbid the munkar when they see it even in their own husbands and yet feel free to discuss it with their friends.

        perhaps the best advice to give back to them would be to remind their husbands to fear Allaah every time his gaze wonders, would be more effective to stop the problem than creating a thread on ummah, though of-course that would help the brothers here but not your friends husbands.
        Abu Saalehah

        OUTREACH4ISLAM - Calling the not yet Muslims of Leicester to Islam since 2006

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

          Originally posted by abu saalehah View Post
          by the sound of it, it sounds like this sisters friends have forgotten their own duty to forbid the munkar when they see it even in their own husbands and yet feel free to discuss it with their friends.

          perhaps the best advice to give back to them would be to remind their husbands to fear Allaah every time his gaze wonders, would be more effective to stop the problem than creating a thread on ummah, though of-course that would help the brothers here but not your friends husbands.
          I've mentioned in the post above that the men have been confronted about this issue.

          Women talk to other women to get advice - as this is a issue that they can not talk to their family about.

          This thread was not to help those sisters. They dont come to this forum - it was more to give men awareness of what women think of men who do such things.
          https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

            No big deal? what a joke

            Do we really need to give Hadiths for "no big deal"?

            How do Sisters get themselves in such situations?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

              Originally posted by KurdishKid View Post

              Do we really need to give Hadiths for "no big deal"?

              How do Sisters get themselves in such situations?
              I wasnt seeking hadiths - I don't look for hadiths online.

              How can you tell before marriage if a brother will lower his gaze after marriage?

              This is something that even dedicated Mosque attendees, beardo's, Hafidz, Islamic teachers etc etc succumb to.
              https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                Do you think it's possible it could of been avoided if the sisters did more research before marrying or didn't reject those good guys for stupid reasons?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                  Originally posted by Uthmani View Post
                  Do you think it's possible it could of been avoided if the sisters did more research before marrying or didn't reject those good guys for stupid reasons?
                  No. Cos on paper, from what I know. Every one of those guys tick the boxes. Most have studied Arabic, give lectures, have beards, been to haj/umrah, strict with free mixing, pray, fast etc etc some don't even buy homes, cars, use credit cards etc cos of riba isses.

                  They're all seem like 'strict' Muslims. Most agreed to marriage BECAUSE of the the above mentioned reasons.
                  https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                    Are you sure you're not generalising? As you said, some women do go up to their husbands and try and discuss these problems.. wouldn't that mean that the guy would the notice that his wife knows..

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                      Originally posted by Uthmani View Post
                      Are you sure you're not generalising? As you said, some women do go up to their husbands and try and discuss these problems.. wouldn't that mean that the guy would the notice that his wife knows..
                      Only generalizing based on a the opinions and experiences of a few. Not all men or women are like this or experience this.
                      https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                        I agree with you but what does it matter of the man notices or not, I don't understand.. I don't think it would change him, he'd probably just get bolder.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                          For the record, I am NOT absolving those brothers of responsibility, they will be held accountable by Allah (swt) (and probably the sisters one day too). It's upon Muslims to improve themselves, and be sincere in their efforts.

                          But...welcome to the screwed up era we live in today, the fundamental cause to these problems is much bigger than us individuals, we cannot solve this forever (and prevent it) as individuals. If you're planning to walk through life in this era without expecting these sorts of problems (applies to both brothers and sisters), then you're setting yourself up for a lot of agony.

                          Besides trying to solve the underlying societal problems, each of us needs to develop strong Islamic character, and genuinely pursue spouses with strong Islamic character.

                          Humans are always affected by their surroundings, you can put up a non-Muslim into a deeply practising Islamic society and I guarantee you they will be influenced as they live there, the same applies to us Muslims in Kufr societies.
                          Last edited by Saqr; 25-03-12, 09:28 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                            There's 2 sides to every story and every situation is different.

                            yes in some cases it is genuinely the husbands fault and the wife may be fulfilling her husbands rights and pleasing him in every way yet the husband may still stare at other women, that would be a problem with the husbands character and imaan and he should seek to work on that. that is why it is so important to marry someone with the understanding of deen in them and a good character so that if he errs on the wrong side, a little reminder would keep him in check and because of his good islamic character, he would understand.

                            on the other hand, sometimes women may complain and complain about their husbands looking at other women but forget to look at what they themself are doing. I have also seen this too.

                            so there is not one fits all, sometimes it is the mans fault and sometimes it is the womens fault and sometimes its both. Some men don't handle arguments very well and they dont even know what they are saying when they are in a state of anger and then you get some women who are like that too who will say anything when they are angry. so personality comes into play aswell.

                            you know its not just about fulfilling husbands right and looking after appearance and then wondering why the husband looks at other women. Sometimes when we don't fulfill Allah's rights e.g. praying salaah on time, fasting, avoiding music, treating people with kindness etc, we end up with problems in our life in other areas. so we have to reflect where are we going wrong in our life, not why is this person and this person doing wrong.
                            Last edited by muslimah10; 25-03-12, 10:16 AM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Do you think we don’t notice?

                              Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
                              I’m creating this thread in response to a number of sisters who regularly complain about their husband’s roving eye.

                              One sister recently told me that she never knew that being married would mean that she would start lacking in self confidence/self esteem. She said she had more confidence before she was married. Her husband makes her feel ‘ugly’.

                              Another wife pointed out that, her husband thinks he’s being discreet when he looks and thinks she doesn’t notice. One sister complained that her husband isn’t even discreet about it and openly stares at other women.

                              One sister told me that she has started to dislike wearing a hijaab and abayah because she believed that her beauty is for her husbands eyes only…..however, her husband is more interested in women who wear a lot less than an abayah and hijaab.

                              Some sisters have to put up with their husbands pornographic viewing habits. These are the same women who look after their appearance and have never denied their husbands sex.

                              Another wife feels frustrated about the fact that as a woman, she too has desires and needs. She also feels attracted to other men. It could be a bulked up man walking out of the gym or a powerful looking business man in a suit. However, the difference is, she works hard at lowering the gaze. She keeps herself in check and doesn’t look again after the first glance. However, the man in her life denies that attractive men would have an effect on his wife. He believes that this is an issue that only men battle with. The wife is increasingly frustrated with the fact that, she works hard at keeping herself in check. However, her husband is lax with this matter.

                              Many men have been confronted about this issue.

                              One husband complains that he can’t help it because it’s in a mans nature…they’re created weak etc etc

                              Another complained that her husband gets angry when she brings it up because, ‘its not a big deal –he’s not having a affair. Only looking’

                              One husband complained that, its cos his wife is not a 'stunner'. His weakness would have been kept in check if he married a stunningly attractive woman.

                              Majority of these men believe that what they’re doing is not noticed by their wives or that it’s ‘not a big deal’.

                              Majority of these men also do not realise what their wives think of them.

                              Most of these women hold extremely low opinion of their men. Their men are oblivious to these views.

                              One woman told me that, she has zero respect for her husband. That makes it hard for her to listen to anything he has to say. Everything he does looks hypocritical in her eyes.

                              One sister told me that, she feels lucky that she doesn’t have any kids yet because she is actively seeking a ‘way out’. If she had children. It would be harder for her to make such a decision.

                              Some have told me that, they absolutely despise having relations with their husbands. They fake interest. They’re extremely turned off and disgusted by them. That’s because they know, they’re not thinking about them. Especially when they approach their wife after a porn viewing session. Or after they’ve spent an afternoon at a mall/restaurant looking at women.

                              The men who are lax with this rule are well known in society. These men often become the subject of ridicule during a women’s only event. That’s because, whenever the topic comes up about unmarried men/women. The women are very passionately against match making their unmarried friends/relatives etc with such men. It’s a massive black mark against the character of a man.

                              I created this thread cos I was interested in gathering women’s views on this matter. From what I understand – many men genuinely believe that what they’re doing goes unnoticed or isn’t a big deal.
                              Im sorry for my off topic reply sister.

                              Just a quick point, all i see in nearly every other thread about lifestyles and real life issues, is that women are just living torrid lives and they are being abused by every single person in society... where is all this negativity comming from?

                              Oh women are pregnant, thats the man fault, women have to cook and clean, women are being beaten, women are being raped by their husbands, husband are abusing their position, women cant keep their own money, women unable to study, women unable to drive, women unable to get divorce, women unable to do this and that, women losing confidence when marrying a man, women being forced to cover when marrying, women forced to stop working, women getting forced into marriage, women have no say, women have no role in society, muslim women are punch bags, muslim women are iscolated 2nd class citezens etc.... negativity of the muslim women role on this forum is subhanAllah next level.... and whats more worrying is that most of that is comming from the muslim woman.... recently its just rocketed high!!!!!!!!

                              going by the opinions of this forum on women, its as if nearly every muslim women has been beaten, that they are unhappy with their role as muslim women at home, and that a muslim man is like firaun, who takes what he wants and asks her to obey him in everything he says. subhanAllah.



                              Everything on this forum tells me women firstly should not get married(some will actually agree to this), and secondly women living horrid lives, and having nothing to live for...

                              Please, stop making all these negative threads about women, they will brush onto the younger generation of sisters who read these forums, and it is not true at all....

                              This forum is becomming one of negativty and no benefits... women are being shown as they have nothing all their life and men doing whatever.... subhanAllah....

                              ive seen about 10-15 threads just recently... women are suffering in everything they do.. .and men living top luxurious lives.. getting everything they want and women just sacraficing everything they have had or whatever...

                              So why do we have stats that most people joinng islam are women?..... these are flipping awful and flawed stats... we should be seeing stats that the most people leaving islam are women!!!!!... just pure ridiculous... either this forum is chatting breeze and is all about negativity... or them stats that women are comming into islam in numbers is just pure ................(insert as you please)

                              THE END!
                              Last edited by QMU; 25-03-12, 10:37 AM.

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