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  • Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

    Asalamu alaikum

    Without going into much detail my brother is engaged to be married. Him and his fiancé hang out and everything. However if I was engaged and I would hang with a man who I haven't even made a contract with I'd not allowed to that. I would be told off and given and told to fear Allah But my parents say nothing to my brother.

    I know it's haram to hanging out with non mahrams and all but i wish there wasn't this double standard in my family when it comes to marriage.

    Why do so many Muslim families do this? In Islam the ruling for hanging out with non mahram is for man and woman.
    Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
    (Surah Az Zumar, (Chapter 39: Verse 53)

  • #2
    Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

    Originally posted by sis_niqabi View Post
    Asalamu alaikum

    Without going into much detail my brother is engaged to be married. Him and his fiancé hang out and everything. However if I was engaged and I would hang with a man who I haven't even made a contract with I'd not allowed to that. I would be told off and given and told to fear Allah But my parents say nothing to my brother.

    I know it's haram to hanging out with non mahrams and all but i wish there wasn't this double standard in my family when it comes to marriage.

    Why do so many Muslim families do this? In Islam the ruling for hanging out with non mahram is for man and woman.
    wa alaykumus salaam,

    because they are practicing because of culture not because of a sincere love of the deen, otherwise they would be fair and just.
    Abu Saalehah

    OUTREACH4ISLAM - Calling the not yet Muslims of Leicester to Islam since 2006

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    • #3
      Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

      Originally posted by sis_niqabi View Post
      Asalamu alaikum

      Without going into much detail my brother is engaged to be married. Him and his fiancé hang out and everything. However if I was engaged and I would hang with a man who I haven't even made a contract with I'd not allowed to that. I would be told off and given and told to fear Allah But my parents say nothing to my brother.

      I know it's haram to hanging out with non mahrams and all but i wish there wasn't this double standard in my family when it comes to marriage.

      Why do so many Muslim families do this? In Islam the ruling for hanging out with non mahram is for man and woman.
      Its wrong, no denying that.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

        culture if it is a asian family culture written all over best thing do a runner

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

          Originally posted by sis_niqabi View Post
          Asalamu alaikum

          Without going into much detail my brother is engaged to be married. Him and his fiancé hang out and everything. However if I was engaged and I would hang with a man who I haven't even made a contract with I'd not allowed to that. I would be told off and given and told to fear Allah But my parents say nothing to my brother.

          I know it's haram to hanging out with non mahrams and all but i wish there wasn't this double standard in my family when it comes to marriage.

          Why do so many Muslim families do this? In Islam the ruling for hanging out with non mahram is for man and woman.
          It's 'culture'.

          Then you will have parents try to control who their children should marry, by when they should consummate and have offspring, where they should live and what not. It's like 'mind your own business'.

          Anywho, you can tell your brother about this concern and remind him to start a marriage with halal and conduct it with the halaal steps, so there is barakah in it from starting, insha'Allah.
          Reported by Ibn al-Salah:

          ولقد أحسن الحسن بن أبي زياد اللؤلؤي صاحب أبي حنيفة فيما بلغنا عنه أنه استفتي في مسألة فأخطأ فيها ولم يعرف الذي أفتاه فاكترى مناديا فنادى أن الحسن بن أبي زياد استفتي يوم كذا وكذا في مسألة فأخطأ فمن كان أفتاه الحسن بن أبي زياد بشيء فليرجع إليه
          فلبث أياما لا يفتي حتى وجد صاحب الفتوى فأعلمه أنه أخطأ وإن الصواب كذا وكذا والله أعلم

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          • #6
            Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

            :wswrwb:

            Men are let off the leash much quicker and easily than women.

            Women are precious little pearls, so they get protected, while the dudes do all the "things."
            Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

            "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
            - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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            • #7
              Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

              More socially acceptable in our culture, coz he is a man. like others say it is incorrect and not just and fair according to islam.

              This is wht I would did, and I always told my brother b4 he went to UNi. That if he became interested in someone that he should approach me immediately. I told him remember that I'm ur sister and the other girl will be someone's sister, daughter etc. she is a symbol for someone's izat please bear that in mind. Alhumdullilah he listens and takes on board :). Although this ain't the same situation give u an idea of how to start off the convo, it was the hardest thing for me to discuss with my Bro but as the eldest I felt it was my duty. sometimes it can be hard for a guy to talk to his parents which is y I took this role on.

              All you can do his remind him sister that this is not the best way to start a marriage. Go along and get to know her too, just a suggestion. but do not be surprised if he is reluctant to take you.

              You don't want to upset ur brother and you know ur family better than I. If I was in ur place I would gently remind my brother in private. Then if nothing changes then gently remind my parents and at least I would be at peace with myself becoz I know that I done my duty as a Muslima/ sister/daughter. Like I said u know ur family better than I do.
              Last edited by BeReal; 23-03-12, 05:51 PM.

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              • #8
                Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                Originally posted by BeReal View Post
                More socially acceptable in our culture, coz he is a man. like others say it is incorrect and not just and fair according to islam.

                This is wht I would did, and I always told my brother b4 he went to UNi. That if he became interested in someone that he should approach me immediately. I told him remember that I'm ur sister and the other girl will be someone's sister, daughter etc. she is a symbol for someone's izat please bear that in mind. Alhumdullilah he listens and takes on board :). Although this ain't the same situation give u an idea of how to start off the convo, it was the hardest thing for me to discuss with my Bro but as the eldest I felt it was my duty. sometimes it can be hard for a guy to talk to his parents which is y I took this role on.
                :masha: That's great.
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                  Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                  :masha: That's great.
                  My mum also had a similar convo but in private but I guess when I talked to him b4, it did no harm.

                  Thank you Mirror :)

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                  • #10
                    Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                    We need more older sister like you, to keep the little brothers in line.
                    Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                    "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                    - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                      Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                      We need more older sister like you, to keep the little brothers in line.
                      Its hard being the eldest child, on top a girl and on top being responsible and not straying so they have a role model to look upto. So they keep in line. However I take all challenges on as eldest and take them in my stride. It's not easy but I learn more abt myself By taking these roles and challenges on

                      I'm sure that for this my parents are proud of me :) coz they all in straight line and MashaAllah very successful :D
                      Last edited by BeReal; 24-03-12, 10:59 PM.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                        I shall second that opinion!
                        Islam governs everyone the same way there is no room for cultural traditions :)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                          Originally posted by sis_niqabi View Post
                          Asalamu alaikum

                          Without going into much detail my brother is engaged to be married. Him and his fiancé hang out and everything. However if I was engaged and I would hang with a man who I haven't even made a contract with I'd not allowed to that. I would be told off and given and told to fear Allah But my parents say nothing to my brother.

                          I know it's haram to hanging out with non mahrams and all but i wish there wasn't this double standard in my family when it comes to marriage.

                          Why do so many Muslim families do this? In Islam the ruling for hanging out with non mahram is for man and woman.
                          Wa Aalaikum Assalam

                          If I was in your shoes dear ukhti, I would pray two rakah thanking Allah that you are not the one being forced to do haram.

                          There are parents who would try to force their daughter to interact and mix with the man before marriage, and be angry with her if she doesn't. The fact that your parents do the opposite is Rahma from Allah!!!

                          You should try to maybe advice your brother about it being haram if it's possible? I don't know how close you are to him but that's what I was thinking.

                          What do you think?
                          If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

                          Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
                          There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                            Originally posted by al-siddiq View Post
                            Wa Aalaikum Assalam

                            If I was in your shoes dear ukhti, I would pray two rakah thanking Allah that you are not the one being forced to do haram.

                            There are parents who would try to force their daughter to interact and mix with the man before marriage, and be angry with her if she doesn't. The fact that your parents do the opposite is Rahma from Allah!!!

                            You should try to maybe advice your brother about it being haram if it's possible? I don't know how close you are to him but that's what I was thinking.


                            What do you think?
                            I'm pretty close with him. But he is the type that doesn't like anyone questioning anything he does. And even if you give him advice he doesn't listen.

                            I am grateful my parents care. But I'm tired of this double standard.
                            Say, O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
                            (Surah Az Zumar, (Chapter 39: Verse 53)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Double standards in family when it comes to marriage.

                              do you want to hang out with your fiance? if not then you should be grateful your parents have the concern for you and thank Allah Ta'ala that they not casting you out like they have with your brother.
                              Rajab is a month of cultivation, Shaban is month of irrigating the fields, and the month of Ramadhan is a month of reaping and harvesting.”

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