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  • Need some advice about marriage

    Recently my husband to be converted to Islam and did his shahada in February. The molana told him to take things slowly and my mother wants him to have learned how to pray etc yesterday. He is not a spring chicken anymore and it gets harder to memorise as we get older but it’s not impossible I know. My mother is very unhappy and said she did Ishtikara and I shouldn’t marry him. I didn’t ask her to do ishtikara as I know she is very against me marrying an English man and I know that would be her answer. She says he has only done it to marry me. He hasn’t lied and did say he has done it for me, him and us. Does the ishtikara done by my mother who is against the idea of me marrying an English convert, still count. Is it valid? Is it not biased? She is always saying what is so good about the gora etc. It hurts when she makes those comments. As if I am so shallow and all i see the colour of his pale skin. :(

    Recently when I told her I was looking for a wedding outfit she has started saying I should marry my cousin again and she will find me someone from Pakistan, it’s always someone after a visa and for her benefit and someone I find unattractive. I’ve already told him and her I will not marry my cousin or someone from Pakistan. She is emotionally blackmailing me now. She cries and wails all the time. She says I should marry someone for her benefit, I thought marriage was for my benefit. The stress of it all causing me sleepless nights, me withdrawing at work, I feel sad and tearful all the time. What do I do? My mother is blaming my sister now for not talking me out of it. I feel lost. Nothing I ever do pleases my mother. She is now saying if I do marry him and do a nikah she can go ask them to void it as she hasn't given her permission. I am 40 why does she insist on treating me like a stupid child.
    Never have any regrets you only get one shot at life this ain't no rehersal!

  • #2
    Re: Need some advice about marriage

    salaam sister,
    breathe.. and let it the air out slowly...
    Im glad you are deciding to marry this guy... well its not uncommon that the emotinal blackmail is used do get the kids to do what the parents want the m to do..so i would advise you to do the right thing,





    Source: Fiqh-us-Sunnah, volume 2, number 32 and volume 4, number 141.

    Often, we have to make major life-changing decisions: whether to undertake a major project or not, whether to apply for a promotion or not, whether to change career or not, whether to invest in a certain company or not, whether to get married or not, whom to get married to, etc.

    Istikhara (Arabic) means to ask Allah to guide one to the right thing concerning any affair in one’s life, especially when one has to choose between two permissible alternatives, e.g. a career choice, getting married, etc. Similarly, a traveller should consult good righteous persons before setting out on a journey, because Allah says, “And consult them (O Prophet) in affairs (of moment),” (Qur’an, 3: 159) and one of the characteristics of the believers is that “they (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation” (Qur’an, 42: 38). Qatadah said, “Every people who seek the pleasure of Allah and consult with one another are guided to the best course in their affairs.” The traveller should also make istikharah and seek guidance from Allah.

    Sa’ d ibn Waqas reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, “Istikharah (seeking guidance from Allah) is one of the distinct favors (of Allah) upon man, and a good fortune for the son of Adam is to be pleased with the judgment of Allah. And a misfortune of the son of Adam is his failure to make istikharah (seeking Allah’s guidance), and a misfortune for the son of Adam is his displeasure with the judgment of Allah.” Ibn Taimiyyah said, “He who seeks guidance from the Creator and consults the creatures will never regret it.”

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Need some advice about marriage

      :salams

      So, he openly admitted that he became a Muslim for this relation? I mean, I don't know if that's good enough...

      Also, why is it that you are so inclined to marry him, this particular person?
      Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

      "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
      - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Need some advice about marriage

        if he converted to islam just to marry you, then that does not sound like a sincere person, just ticking a box. how would you feel if you marry him then he does not pray, drinks alcohol and all other kufrness? one of the conditions of a shahada is sincerity.
        Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

        -Quran (57:20)

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Need some advice about marriage

          Man divorcing his wife on his parents’ orders

          What is the shar’i ruling on a man divorcing his wife when his parents tell him to, on the grounds that this wife used to work for them as a servant in the past? Is this regarded as disobeying one’s parents? Please note that this wife currently lives an honourable life.


          Praise be to Allaah.

          Undoubtedly the parents are those who are most deserving of respect, obedience and kind treatment. Allaah mentions the command to treat parents well alongside the command to worship Him as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

          “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents”

          [al-Isra’ 17:23]

          Obedience to parents is obligatory on the child with regard to that which will benefit them and will not harm the child. With regard to that which does not bring them any benefits or which will cause harm to the child, he does not have to obey them in that case.

          Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Ikhtiyaaraat (p. 114): A person is obliged to obey his parents with regard to that which is not sinful, even if they are immoral evildoers… This has to do with that which is beneficial for them and not harmful to him. End quote.

          Divorce with no acceptable reason is something that is hated by Allaah, because it destroys the blessings of marriage and exposes the family to destruction and the children to loss. It may also involve injustice towards the woman. The fact that the wife had been a servant in the past is not a legitimate reason for divorce, especially if she is religiously-committed and has a good attitude.

          Based on this, he does not have to obey his parents and divorce his wife, and that is not regarded as being disobedient towards them. But the son should express his refusal to divorce her in a kind and gentle manner, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

          “say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour

          [al-Isra’ 17:23]

          Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about the ruling on a man divorcing his wife if his father tells him to do that. He said:

          If the father tells his son to divorce his wife, one of the following two scenarios must apply:

          1 – Where the father gives a legitimate reason why he should divorce her and separate from her, such as saying, Divorce your wife because her behaviour is suspicious, such as she flirts with men or goes out to gatherings that are not decent and so on. In this case the son should agree and divorce her, because he is not telling her to divorce her on the basis of a whim, rather that is to protect his son’s honour from being besmirched, so he should divorce her.

          2 – Where the father tells his son to divorce his wife because the son loves her, but the father feels jealous of his son’s love for her and the mother is more jealous, because many mothers, when they see that their son loves his wife, feel very jealous, as if the son’s wife is a co-wife and rival. We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound. In this case the son does not have to divorce his wife if his father or mother tells her to divorce her. Rather he should be tactful with them and keep his wife, and he should try to convince them with kind words until they are persuaded that she should stay with him, especially if the wife is religiously committed and has a good attitude.

          Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about this very issue. A man came and said: “My father is telling me to divorce my wife.” Imam Ahmad said to him: “Do not divorce her.” He said: “Didn’t the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) tell Ibn ‘Umar to divorce his wife when ‘Umar told him to do that?” He said: “Is your father like ‘Umar?”

          If the father quotes evidence to his son and says, “O my son, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar to divorce his wife when his father ‘Umar told him to do that,” the response to that is: “Are you like ‘Umar?” But you should speak kindly and gently, and say that ‘Umar saw something which indicated that it was in his son’s interests to divorce his wife. This is the answer to this question which comes up frequently.

          Al-Fataawa al-Jaami’ah li’l-Mar’ah al-Muslimah, 2/671.

          The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about a mother telling her son to divorce his wife for no reason or fault in her religious commitment, rather it was because of the mother’s personal reasons. They replied as follows:

          If the situation is as described, that his wife is righteous and he loves her, and she is dear to him, and she does not behave badly towards his mother, and his mother only dislikes her for personal reasons, then he should keep his wife and stay married to her. He does not have to divorce her in obedience to his mother, because it was proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper.” Based on this, he should honour his mother and uphold ties of kinship with her by visiting her and spending on her, and paying attention to her needs and making her happy and pleasing her in whatever ways he can, apart from divorcing his wife.

          Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 2/29.


          Islam Q&A
          Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

          -Quran (57:20)

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Need some advice about marriage

            Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
            :salams

            So, he openly admitted that he became a Muslim for this relation? I mean, I don't know if that's good enough...

            Also, why is it that you are so inclined to marry him, this particular person?
            "
            Read what I said again. What I said was "He hasn’t lied and did say he has done it for me, him and us"

            Try and read what I said properly before jumping the gun.
            Never have any regrets you only get one shot at life this ain't no rehersal!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Need some advice about marriage

              Originally posted by deen1984 View Post
              if he converted to islam just to marry you, then that does not sound like a sincere person, just ticking a box. how would you feel if you marry him then he does not pray, drinks alcohol and all other kufrness? one of the conditions of a shahada is sincerity.
              I said "He hasn’t lied and did say he has done it for me, him and us"

              Where did I say it was just for me?

              Thank you for replying.
              Never have any regrets you only get one shot at life this ain't no rehersal!

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Need some advice about marriage

                Originally posted by aekbal View Post
                salaam sister,
                breathe.. and let it the air out slowly...
                Im glad you are deciding to marry this guy... well its not uncommon that the emotinal blackmail is used do get the kids to do what the parents want the m to do..so i would advise you to do the right thing,”
                W'salaam sister/brother, Thank you for the reply.
                Never have any regrets you only get one shot at life this ain't no rehersal!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Need some advice about marriage

                  Can you clarify that a bit more?

                  I'm not jumping the gun, as you can see other poster mistook that statement, too.

                  :jkk:
                  Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                  "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                  - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Need some advice about marriage

                    :wswrwb:

                    I think you have two separate issues here. One is with your mother and what she wants. The other is with your future husband.

                    I agree with your mother in the sense that he should be praying. I wonder if a marriage is valid without a man praying? I wouldn't feel comfortable saying exactly how long it should take to learn to pray because everyone is different, but shouldn't a month be more than enough time? Some people learn in a day or two, or a week or two, so one month seems sufficient, but, again, everyone is different. I also think it's a good idea for any person who converts, male or female, to take some time to learn about Islam and become comfortable with their new lifestyle before they get married. Some questions I wonder about are: How did you meet this man? What type of relationship did you have with him before he converted. I'm not asking you to answer that publicly, but I feel it is something you can reflect upon.

                    Regarding your mother, I'm not sure whether her istikhara is valid or not. I think she has some valid concerns. About marrying your cousin and all that, it is up to you, really, as to what you will do. I don't have any advice regarding that. I do think, as I said before, that you have two separate issues here and both need to be dealt with. I do worry that you may have an emotional attachment to this man, and that can cloud your vision.

                    As I said, I know it takes time to become practicing and comfortable with an Islamic lifestyle, but you really need to make sure that he is putting in the effort. Regardless of what your mother thinks about him being English, etc., what is most important is his deen, and you need to make sure that is in order. After all, marriage is a big commitment - children, families joining, etc. Make sure that everything is in order deen wise, regardless of who you end up marrying.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Need some advice about marriage

                      :wswrwb:

                      I agree with poster above and I totally understand your mum's concern (minus the issue with his colour). If he doesn't know his deen yet, how could he give you your rights?

                      Get him in touch with good brothers from the masjid in sha Allah
                      Allahumma innaa na'udhu bika min an nushrika bika shai-an na'lamuh; wa nastaghfiruka limaa laa na'lam

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Need some advice about marriage

                        I think some posters here are jumping the gun a little by saying he should have learned how to pray by now...you cannot judge how long someone takes to learn something (especially arabic as it is very complicated to master). Personally I learned to read the quran from my parents but have recently started to take lessons from an arabic lady and the differences in pronunciation is very apparent and I am finding it hard to get my tongue around some of the words in order to say them correctly, this coming from someone who spks 3 languages, so I can understand how an Englishman would struggle also.

                        Another poster wrote about how you would not get ur "rights" in marriage if he didnt know his deen...this may be the case but isnt marriage about treating each other with respect & honor ultimately. There are many musim brothers who know these rights full well yet still dont afford them to their wives!

                        Inshallah do take him to his local mosque and he will learn all these things in due time...the main thing is that he WANTS to learn them.
                        May Allah make whatever path you take easy for the pair of you.

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