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  • First cousin marriages

    assalamualaikum,

    I am new to this forum. I was searching the web for some discussions on first cousin marriages, and I found quite a few, but non of them were really in an Islamic environment. I kinda wanted to get some ideas out and get some opinions from other Muslims, so luckily I found this forum! Okay, to the topic..

    I am a Pakistani guy born and raised in the US. As you can imagine, most of my life I have never considered marrying a cousin because of my American cultural side. It always made me somewhat uncomfortable. I can understand that most people in the western world don't agree with it due to medical reasons, and that's a good reason. That was the main thing that kept me some considering this a possibility. But then I did some research and it seems to be that repeated generations of cousin marriages are most likely to yield these unfortunate results. On top of that, probably half of my family is married to their COUSINS!!!

    I didn't do this research and really start pondering over the subject until I realized that I have strong feelings for my maternal first-cousin. We grew up close, but not really too close. I think the first time I had a small hint of some feelings I was 16 or 17, and I it happened while we were just talking or watching tv or something. I am 26 now and my feelings are much much stronger. I have at least 5 other female cousins around my age, but I never felt this way about any of them. So what I mean to say, it is not just a sexual feeling that I am feeling to females that are close to me. Me and my cousin have talked to each other on a regular basis for at least the past 6-7 years. We are definitely best friends and know everything about each other. In my mind I would kinda wish I could marry her, but I was worried about these stupid defects people talk about. When I realized that these medical problems are only a concern after repeated marriages in the same blood line, it became clear to me that the risk is too small for me to not neglect my feelings for my best friend and cousin, who felt the exact same way as me even though we had never discussed these feelings. And on top of the this would be a first-generation cousin marriage for our part since my parents weren't related at all. My eldest brother still does not agree with me and things that my decision is wrong, but he's about to marry a Christian girl, which I strongly disagree with, so we have agreed to disagree. His only concern is that she is my cousin, whereas my concern is that him and his girlfriend will disagree on a lot of things in life, especially once children are in the scene. Anyways, my point is that me and my brothers are not the same, and they were all quite shocked in my decision at first.

    Me and my cousin would, and still do, talk on a daily basis about school, work, life.. and I realized when she would tell me about friends, or guys at work who sometimes tried to flirt with her, I would get extremely jealous. As she was in high school almost about to graduate, this is a very common kind of thing even though she is very reserved. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone talking to her, or her taking interest in anybody other than me. So when I had all of these feelings I realized that I love her and I want to marry her. But before I could tell her, I had to think long and hard, because once I say it, I can never take it back. I can never play with her emotions like that, she's not just any girl! Eventually, I told her that I love her. I never asked her to marry me because it's already understood lol, you know? I just said I love you, and she told me she loves me too. To be honest, it's been a little over two years since we told each other and I have never had a doubt about my decision and that makes me feel very special. I can't get her out of my mind! In my eyes, no other girl can mean as much as she means to me. It feels like everything has happened just so that we two can some together.

    So now I am quite certain that my relationship with her is completely okay in Islam, and that these medical issues are not a big concern since we don't have a strongly related bloodline. On top of that this is not something that our families have ever persuaded us to do. This was completely 100% our choice. I can understand how some families keep it all in the family, and put strict limitations on their kids, and I don't think that's fair. If my parents had pressured me I don't think I would feel the same way, just going against the grain. Another thing that makes me feel very strong in this matter is that my mother loved her very very much, and a couple of monthz before she passed away she told me that she knows how me and my cousin are with each other, and that I should marry her. I was a little embarrassed because my cousin was in the other room, and I told my mother that we will talk about it later so I didn't talk about it and now i really wish I told her about my feelings. But that means a lot to me that she gave me the green light and I have her blessings and that's really all I could ask for. If she was still here I would let her pick my wife, but I guess I am blessed that she picked one for me before she left. It has always been very important to me that my wife know my mother, and know what type of upbringing I come from. There will never be another woman who can say that she understands, and these things make me feel like I am definitely on the right path. I don't feel anything wrong or bad about this relationship.

    My main obstacle now is convincing my father and her father, because they started fighting and hating each other after my mother passed. And it makes me think, if she was here, this marriage would be so easy! Snap snap! 123! But now I have to fight for her and prove myself and even that makes me thing that these circumstances make our relationship even more meaningful.

    So that's my story! People say marrying cousins is wrong and gross, but I think that's just childish. What is reality is that half of the worlds Muslim population does it and considered it to be perfectly okay! On top of that, in my situation, I wouldn't let her go for anything. And those who can't accept me and my choice are not important to my future.

    I wonder if most of these cousin marriages are like mine. Are they simply arranged, or do they truly love each other? Thanks for reading guys. My cousin is visiting Pakistan for a couple months now and I don't get to talk to her much, so I think about her a lot and needed to get some of these thoughts out.

  • #2
    Re: First cousin marriages

    U came to the wrong forum bro. Get ready for the smack down.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: First cousin marriages

      :wswrwb:

      My brother, important thing first. This pre-marital "relationship" that you two have is completely forbidden in Islam. By "relationship," I mean this:

      " Me and my cousin have talked to each other on a regular basis for at least the past 6-7 years. We are definitely best friends and know everything about each other."

      "Me and my cousin would, and still do, talk on a daily basis about school, work, life.."

      "I just said I love you, and she told me she loves me too."

      All of that↑ is NOT permissible at all. So, you need to repent and ask for forgiveness from Allah for crossing His limits. She is a non-mahram to you and you to her. On top of that, you need to stop interacting with her like this. It's inappropriate and impermissible. You should tell her exactly why you and her cannot talk like this because it's not permitted in Islam and that she should repent, as well.

      I know this might shocking, esp. since after 6 -7 years, but you have to place Islam and Allah's Laws before everything. Don't let shaytaan make you think it's harmless, because shaytaan has already done his work for the past 6 -7 years. :insha: I hope you guys did that in ignorance. And, may Allah forgive you both.

      -----------------------------------

      Moving on, there's nothing wrong if you want to marry her. Doesn't matter if she's your first cousin. So, that's not even an issue. Don't worry about that :insha:

      However, your post, from beginning to end, only talk about you and her and your feelings. Rasulullah :saw: said marry someone for their deen. So, how is her deen? Does she pray 5 times a day? Does she observe hijab? How does she treats her parents? Does she freely talk to the opposite gender (besides you, since we know she does that)? All these things matter.

      Also, how are you with regards to Islam? Are you practicing? All those questions applies to you, as well (except hijab one). Do you both know the rights and responsibilities of both husbands and wives in Islam?

      Ponder upon all of that :insha: Don't just rush into marriage, because if you don't have a firm Islamic understanding and a God-fearing wife, then how will you raise a good Islamic family? Create a Islamic home environment?

      May Allah give you the best.
      Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

      "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
      - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: First cousin marriages

        Thanks for your replies.

        @slower why do say I came to the wrong forum? I'm just a Muslim man looking to share some words with others like me. If I am not welcome then I can go elsewhere.

        @mirror I am having a little trouble understanding why my relationship with her is impermissible. Am I not allowed to speak to my cousin? Is everyone who speaks to their cousin wrong? Besides that we have told each other that we love each other, I don't understand how it could have been so bad. In this sense I am not allowed to speak to any female and she to any male who can be non-Mahram, right?

        Yes I do want to marry her because she is a Muslim like myself. Neither of us pray on a regular basis, and she does not wear hijab either. I drink sometimes and I am trying to change my ways. I smoke as well and on occasions have used drugs. I am telling you think so you understand that I am not even close to a perfect musim, but this doesn't mean I don't wish to correct myself. We do want to raise a proper Islamic family and environment. But beyond that I love who she is along with being a Muslim. We both have a lot of improvements to make in regards to our deen, but to be honest I feel that is between ourselves and Allah. We both know we need more education on our religion, even though we are not COMPLETELY clueless, however these lessons never end. They can take a lifetime and I am prepared for that and I also understand that nobody is perfect. We all have faults and it is not society that I am concerned about.

        My main question is how can I continue without speaking to her? It would be very difficult if I was not allowed to speak to her until we got married. I mean, we have to communicate somehow.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: First cousin marriages

          Your first cousin is a non-mahram, and the same rules for any other non-mahrams apply, i.e. observing hijab with your cousins (note that hijab is about covering the awra, not just a headscarf, and also about how you behave, and applies to both men and women, the only difference between men and women in this respect is how much of the body is awra)

          IMO you need to start praying on a regular basis, that's the first thing inshaAllah.

          If you two are set on marrying each other, you need to get married now, rather than wait, and then the issue of how you talk to each other is fixed because you're husband and wife. Before marriage you need to interact as non-mahrams, which means speaking to each other to discuss issues re marriage etc, with your mahrams present (i.e. chapperoning you). The fact you're first cousins doesn't change the rules in Islam regarding interaction with non-mahrams.

          MY advice? Get married to her right away, and at the same time both of you focus on improving your deen (you said you wanted to do this) starting with establishing salat inshaAllah.
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          • #6
            Re: First cousin marriages

            Originally posted by Duniyadar View Post
            Thanks for your replies.

            @slower why do say I came to the wrong forum? I'm just a Muslim man looking to share some words with others like me. If I am not welcome then I can go elsewhere.

            @mirror I am having a little trouble understanding why my relationship with her is impermissible. Am I not allowed to speak to my cousin? Is everyone who speaks to their cousin wrong? Besides that we have told each other that we love each other, I don't understand how it could have been so bad. In this sense I am not allowed to speak to any female and she to any male who can be non-Mahram, right?

            Yes I do want to marry her because she is a Muslim like myself. Neither of us pray on a regular basis, and she does not wear hijab either. I drink sometimes and I am trying to change my ways. I smoke as well and on occasions have used drugs. I am telling you think so you understand that I am not even close to a perfect musim, but this doesn't mean I don't wish to correct myself. We do want to raise a proper Islamic family and environment. But beyond that I love who she is along with being a Muslim. We both have a lot of improvements to make in regards to our deen, but to be honest I feel that is between ourselves and Allah. We both know we need more education on our religion, even though we are not COMPLETELY clueless, however these lessons never end. They can take a lifetime and I am prepared for that and I also understand that nobody is perfect. We all have faults and it is not society that I am concerned about.

            My main question is how can I continue without speaking to her? It would be very difficult if I was not allowed to speak to her until we got married. I mean, we have to communicate somehow.
            It seems as though you are perfect for each other as you both lack in the knowledge of the basic principles ie of not talking to one another without a guardian present etc etc (however a bigger issue would be the drinking/drugs).
            I appreciate you wish to become better muslims, but why wait for after marriage?? This should be done asap, no?
            One point I would make is that have you thought about what might happen if god forbid it went wrong? You would effectively split your family in half!
            I would be 100% sure before you contemplate this.

            Finally, good luck with whatever u decide!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: First cousin marriages

              Brother, if one of you become practicing after marriage and the other doesn't, then it will take a huge strain on the marriage. You say in the future we'll raise a good Muslim family and become more practicing. But, really, what's the guarantee? And, why can't you do that now?

              Whatever the case is, please stop drinking and taking drugs. They are haram. And, even worse than that is you neglecting salaah. At least, get these things sorted out before you proceed. And, she should at least start wearing hijab and praying her salaah, as well. That's like the bare minimum, really, just the minimum. If you don't eve do that, then you should feel bad about calling yourself a Muslim and disobeying Allah like this.

              Khair, anyways, if you want to proceed with this, go and directly talk to her father. Pray istikhara, as well. Don't think she's the last girl in the world. Maybe, she's not the one for you, maybe she is. Allah knows best.
              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: First cousin marriages

                Allah made it halal who cares about medical reasons and there are none am sure. A causin is non-muhrum and nothing is wrong with it if two causins agree to marry each other and they are not being forced to then it is fine.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: First cousin marriages

                  Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                  Brother, if one of you become practicing after marriage and the other doesn't, then it will take a huge strain on the marriage.
                  That is a really important point, and I'd go as far as to say it could actually end a marriage potentially, subhanAllah. It's not that different to the situation where a married non-Muslim becomes Muslim and their spouse doesn't. There's only two ways the marriage can go then, either the other one comes to Islam (or to practicing properly, as the case may be) and this may take some time, or they drift further apart, one becoming more practicing and the other becomes firmer in their hatred towards Islam, and unfortunately there's only one end to that.

                  If you both want to become practicing, inshaAllah follow Mirror's advice and also get married ASAP and accept that you should break all contact prior to marriage except for meetings with mahrams present. Start working on your deen right away inshaAllah. Salat is the most important thing to get established.
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                  • #10
                    Re: First cousin marriages

                    Oh so mills n boon lol. Dear oh dear, you remind me of some of my cousins in the US. Okay there are quite a few alarm bells ringing for me already that indicate you've made a series of mistakes already- maybe not your fault but due to your lack of Islamic knowledge and possibly upbringing where you were led to believe haraam is the norm. Alhamdullilah that you're attempting to change that and I hope inshAllah you are successful in changing for the better in your deen.

                    It's SOOOOO inappropriate from an Islamic point of view for a grown man to have long drawn out conversations with a woman who is not his immediate relative (ie mother, sister or aunt). There are limits to what is permitted. If you played together as kids, that's okay. If you've seen her at family gatherings such as Eid, that's okay. If you have to interact with women for a specific purpose such as to make a business transaction with a woman in the store, or learn from a female teacher at school, then you can justify that as being interaction for a specific purpose but what is inappropriate is having regular interaction on a social friend type basis and waaaaaay more inappropriate than that is to tell her you love her and then do nothing about it for two years- what were you thinking? You say you don't want to play with her emotions but that sounds like playing with her emotions to me.

                    You've thought about it all in reverse order, fall in love first then worry about marriage and family later when it should be the other way round. Look into your options in terms of sorting out marriage sooner rather than later. Look into correcting your deen and becoming regular in your prayers sooner rather than later. Look into how compatible you are in terms of your principles and outlook on life and whether she's serious about improving her deen too? If she is not that determined to improve on her deen then this issue of jealousy will follow you both throughout your relationship even if you do get married. Don't assume that you have a nikah day and then the jealousy will go away- it doesn't work like that. That's another thing, I think you need to learn about the Islamic limits in terms of jealousy, when it's fair to be protective of your wife and dislike people looking at her a certain way and at which point one can cross the line into overprotectiveness.
                    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: First cousin marriages

                      I cant relate too dis at all I cant marry a cousin in my culture, I guess thats the cultural baggage reverts in the west carry that we need to adjust, I remember the imam spoke about this in a khutba. In my culture marrying your cousin would be discusting. The imam was a revert and he was saying this is a thing from the sunnah we should try and implement and not frown upon. I know off topic

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: First cousin marriages

                        Originally posted by Slower View Post
                        U came to the wrong forum bro. Get ready for the smack down.
                        LOL that made me chuckle!!!

                        Comment

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