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  • Would you accept someone with a past?

    So after reading many threads it got me thinking. Curiosity kills the cat as they say.

    Lets say u dont have any suitable matches but eventually a guys-family approaches ...

    So sisters would u accept a proposal knowing they may have had a past?
    For eg a girlfriend/fiancee with or without knowing to wht extent ur proposers relationship was with this person?

    Brothers would u accept a girl if u knew she had a past and she knew/unaware if u had one also?

  • #2
    Yes,times and situations change people as long as they were suitable now a persons 'past' doesn't phase me

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    • #3
      Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

      :salams

      "Past" can mean a lot of things. But, mostly it would depend on how she is currently.

      Walllahu Alam.
      Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

      "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
      - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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      • #4
        Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

        Originally posted by BeReal View Post
        So after reading many threads it got me thinking. Curiosity kills the cat as they say.

        Lets say u dont have any suitable matches but eventually a guys-family approaches ...

        So sisters would u accept a proposal knowing they may have had a past?
        For eg a girlfriend/fiancee with or without knowing to wht extent ur proposers relationship was with this person?

        Brothers would u accept a girl if u knew she had a past and she knew/unaware if u had one also?
        Depends on the person. Some people can some can't.

        Innocence is something that once lost can't be regained.
        If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

        Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
        There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!

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        • #5
          Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

          I have turned down a proposal after 2 or 3 meeting & engagment/nikka was the next step because I found out he had a past.

          After doing that I have changed my opinion on this. I don't necessary regret my decision but part of me wonders "what if". my biggest regret is that I did not give the guy a chance to explain himself. I was put off by his past that I said No. Now that I am 2 years older + mature, I understand people make mistakes & people change.

          I will agree to meet the guy & see if he has changed. I will be cautious but i will not hold his past against him.

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          • #6
            Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

            Originally posted by al-siddiq View Post
            Depends on the person. Some people can some can't.

            Innocence is something that once lost can't be regained.
            Not innocence

            I mean people whom have had long engagements and although it's good to think they met in presence of wali. It is sadly not always the case. I have heard girls and guys whom have been going out togetha for x years before they marry!
            Or so called Long term engagements (no place in Islam but is culturally rife) so they can be seen in public without any party being scandalised. Largely personal choice but as a man or women and in latter context would u want to know? And do u feel u have the right to know of ur prospective husband/wife's past engagements?
            Last edited by BeReal; 17-03-12, 12:05 AM.

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            • #7
              Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

              you have trust issues, your problems are very meager.

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              • #8
                Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                Originally posted by Kya View Post
                I have turned down a proposal after 2 or 3 meeting & engagment/nikka was the next step because I found out he had a past.

                After doing that I have changed my opinion on this. I don't necessary regret my decision but part of me wonders "what if". my biggest regret is that I did not give the guy a chance to explain himself. I was put off by his past that I said No. Now that I am 2 years older + mature, I understand people make mistakes & people change.

                I will agree to meet the guy & see if he has changed. I will be cautious but i will not hold his past against him.


                ok ...
                how about a UK 24 yo ex male divorcee with 2 kids from previous marriage... he was forced to marry his first cousin when he was 17 from India!!
                also she got pregz just for a passport the first time,and then after the relationship mended, she broke his trust again and got pregz just to emotionally blackmail him to stay and to make sure eh feels bad to ever think of divorcing her... but he decides to divorce her due to other VERY VERY bad habbits of hers..

                would you give him another chance?
                be honest,.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                  It depends how much his past effects his present. I met one guy who had repented but still carried a torch for his ex girl friend??!!

                  I would marry someone who had made a 100% U-turn. And this was apparent in his actions and speech.

                  Sometimes, certain individuals (not all) 'need' to get something out of their system, to realise how haraam/harmful something is, and why they shouldnt do it again. Otherwise, they will always be wondering/wishing they could do haraam..

                  A family friend of mine, is going through marital crisis at the moment...she married the 'good boy' straight from Uni. He had never done anything bad in his youth...however, recently he's been doing every haraam thing under the sun...using the excuse that he got married too early and didnt get a change to experiment etc
                  https://sufisticated101.wordpress.com

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                  • #10
                    Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                    Originally posted by aekbal View Post
                    ok ...
                    how about a UK 24 yo ex male divorcee with 2 kids from previous marriage... he was forced to marry his first cousin when he was 17 from India!!
                    also she got pregz just for a passport the first time,and then after the relationship mended, she broke his trust again and got pregz just to emotionally blackmail him to stay and to make sure eh feels bad to ever think of divorcing her... but he decides to divorce her due to other VERY VERY bad habbits of hers..

                    would you give him another chance?
                    be honest,.
                    I'm assuming "ex male" is a typo??

                    He was forced into a marriage then was miserable, he tried to do the right thing by his wife but it totally didn't work out.... I can't see what else he could have done in that situation. It's not his fault he was forced into marriage, and the misery and suffering of his wife (IMO you're being a bit unfair to her, you don't know her motives for all that, maybe she was trying her best to make it all work, maybe she was also forced etc) are not his fault but the fault of those who forced him (and possibly her too) into the marriage. And if she really did only marry him for the passport, then IMO she brought a lot of the suffering onto herself.

                    So yes, I think the brother deserves a second chance, Allahu alim. Whether I'd marry him (entirely hypothetical situation because I'm already married mashaAllah alhamdulillah) would actually depend on how he is towards his kids. If he's doing his best to be a dad to them (whether they end up living with him or their mother, a decision that should be made entirely on the basis of what's best for the kids) then yes I'd consider him, Allahu alim. However if he was neglecting or had abandoned his kids and wasn't being a good dad then IMO that's a sign of bad character and he can forget it. Ditto if he'd abused his wife or anything like that; IMO being forced into marriage does not justify mistreatment of your spouse.

                    Regarding marriage to someone with "a past" you have to consider the following: 1. there's no such thing as a non-sinner (with the exception of Prophets (as) but that's irrelevent to the question) and everyone can make mistakes and also repent sincerely and not go back to them. Look at what some of the first generation of Muslims (ra) did prior to becoming Muslim, and if anyone thinks they're better than any them they seriously need to reconsider their attitude!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. whether the person has really managed to get over their past, both in terms of repentance and in terms of moving on emotionally from it and 3. the person that they are now. You're not marrying them in the past, you're marrying them now. and 4. if their past sins put them in danger e.g. of becoming ill, that they've had tests (e.g. tests for STDs if applicable) to rule out any danger to their future spouse or future children. If everything's a-okay with all those things, then there's no reason why they won't make a good husband/wife, inshaAllah. Sometimes someone who's already been led down the wrong path by the shaytaan is more aware of the dangers of going down their again, e.g. they'll understand the importance of some rules in Islam (that seem too strict to some) better than those who have not been led astray. No-one is immune to shaytaan. May Allah protect us all from shaytaan!
                    Last edited by dhak1yya; 21-03-12, 04:04 PM.
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                    • #11
                      Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                      Originally posted by aekbal View Post
                      ok ...
                      how about a UK 24 yo ex male divorcee with 2 kids from previous marriage... he was forced to marry his first cousin when he was 17 from India!!
                      also she got pregz just for a passport the first time,and then after the relationship mended, she broke his trust again and got pregz just to emotionally blackmail him to stay and to make sure eh feels bad to ever think of divorcing her... but he decides to divorce her due to other VERY VERY bad habbits of hers..

                      would you give him another chance?
                      be honest,.
                      no one gets pregnant on their own...
                      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                      The Prophet :saw: said:

                      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                      muslim

                      Narrated 'Abdullah:

                      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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                      • #12
                        Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                        If the person is a revert I couldn't care less about what they did in their past, but someone born muslim - would depend on how low they went.

                        He it is Who sends blessings on you, as do His angels, that He may bring you out from the depths of Darkness into Light: and He is Full of Mercy to the Believers. [Quran {33:43}]
                        www.QuranicAudio.com
                        www.Quran.com

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                        • #13
                          Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                          When their is Iman the rest don't really matter !

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                          • #14
                            Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                            Originally posted by aekbal View Post
                            you have trust issues, your problems are very meager.


                            Hypothetical Question

                            Just Interested to know wht sisters and brothers views are.

                            In ur case a divorcee. Well that depends.
                            1) You were forced, culturally a guy has more authority to say NO. Did u even attempt to say No to ur parents??
                            2) depends on the nature of these 'very very bad habits' was it grounds for a divorce. Did u give her the chance to mend her ways?
                            3) Surely it's every women's right to have children within a marriage. That's wht completes a marriage. it takes two to get pregnant precaution is taken both ways. if u didn't like her then why o why; did u then consummate the marriage.
                            4) only Allah knows her intentions, cannot comment on this point
                            Last edited by BeReal; 21-03-12, 06:23 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Would you accept someone with a past?

                              I'd accept someone with a present

                              لا تفكر كثيرا
                              بل استغفر كثيرا

                              -------------------------------------------------------
                              The children need your prayers more than anyone else
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                              www.inheritorsofquran.wordpress.com

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