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Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

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  • Haniya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Sis, its silly to think that you have control over life or death. We have the ability to affect the quality of our life, which is what his habits effect... but for those saying you may end up widowed young.... he could be the picture of health and this still happens, god forbid.

    I think more importantly, you figure out if his health issues are genetic. What kind of work and patience it would take from you to care for him at his worst, and whether or not your personally ready for that responsibility. If you feel like you are, figure out more about the way he treats his body. 'not serious about his health' is pretty vague.... if hes willing to work towards that, and you're able to take on that emotional responsibility then move on to the more serious questions

    Leave a comment:


  • Starship
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by bubbles5 View Post
    okay so i've gotten a proposal from a nice guy. We're both studying in university-and aren't going to finish for 2 years. But anyways, we are highly interested in each other and want our families to meet. I've told my mom, and she will discuss it with my dad. However, there's a little problem. This guy has a lot of health issues, he's had diabetes since he was 13 (he's now 21), gets seizures often, has bone density issues, and has various nutritional deficiencies. He's also not very serious about his health. I know those are pretty big issues, and my mom is very concerned about them because she obviously wants the best for me.

    Do you guys think it's a good idea to pursue marriage with a man with such health issues? I'm only 20 and feel like i don't have enough experience in the world to realize the severity of these problems and am looking for some insight. Thank you.
    no, dont go down this road.

    Leave a comment:


  • Starship
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
    if the man is a good muslim marry him

    Allah is in charge of his health and his death

    read the story of julaybib

    marriage is an act of ibada
    Had this been a woman with health issues, your response might be quite different?



    Khair, What is this woman going to do with a man who has such serious health issues; how is he going to support her? Go on benefits and let the state deal with the finances? Get real, he has serious health issues such that if not now (but later) he will not be working at all. He doesnt seem too bothered about his health. The OP needs to do some hard thinking as she cant complain later when she doesnt have any money to spend on herself and kids.

    Leave a comment:


  • Sis_Asiya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by Kya View Post
    I don't think anyone worries about death. Allah takes his gift whenver he wants. But dealing with sick person is difficult, taking care of sick person burns you out. And althought the strong faith & love this sister is entering this marraige with, few years of constant doctor appotment & running house alone, she will be burned out and frustrated.

    It is difficult to the OP. but only you can answer if this man is right for you
    there is no guarantee that marrying a person who is not ill means that he remains without illness through the course of his life, what happens if the person you marry becomes ill?

    Bukhari volume 7 hadith number 548: narrated Abu Huraira (r.a.) that Prophet sallahu alayhi wa salam said: if Allah wants to do good to someone than Allah will afflict him with illness

    And i agree living with someone ill is difficult, but when is life easy?

    Leave a comment:


  • neelu
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    My mum has type two diabetes and one of her major pet peeves is diabetics who don't look after their health or take preventative measure to avoid it getting worse. Such a laisee faire mindset is sadly soooooooo common in the Indo-pak community, particularly Pakistanis (or at least that's the community we have most experience of so can't speak for others). They mostly have a VERY defeatist mindset towards health that if it's good or bad it's "Allah's (t) will"- clearly they weren't taught the ahadith about "tying the camel THEN leaving it to Allah's (swt) will" or about the body being an amanah to take care of.

    The issue here is not that he has diabetes, but rather the fact that he doesn't take care of his health which is a bad habit in the general population but for diabetics the consequences are often catastrophic. There are also sadly a lot of cultural factors that reinforce very bad dietary habits such as families constantly bringing mithai to each others houses on every Eid, wedding, birth of a baby in the family, birthday, passing of exams and so on leading to such foods being brought into the house on a regular basis. Then other family members might say "you're the diabetic one who needs to be disciplined about diet, not us" so they don't care that bringing added temptations into the house makes the situation worse and shouldn't be brought into the house in the first place (or only on very rare occassions).

    This is aside from other habits such as adding whole blocks of anchor butter to the curries, eating red meat every single day, having deep fried foods on a regular basis and coke and pepsi may as well be on tap.

    My mum once spoke to her diabetes consultant in frustration that she takes such good care of her sugar levels and her eating habits, but she sees other people with diabetes regularly eating pakoras and drinking mango juice like it's no big deal. She asked the consultant that if other people can do this and simply say "it's okay, I just double my insulin dose when I eat such things"- then she asked "am I wasting my time in taking so many precautions?". Her consultant replied solemnly "My dear, the people you speak of pay no attention to the dangers because the effects of such bad habits don't hit them straight away but rather months or a few years later- then they come to me crying when it's too late, asking why they can't see properly anymore, or why their hands and feet are becoming numb (from neuropathy) and many of them by that point need amputations. You are doing the right thing to take precautions at such an early stage".

    You can send him my post if you want but I don't know if it will have much effect as his Dr has probably already warned him about this and most people aren't equipped with the practical resources to even know how to be more careful and change habits that lasted a lifetime. I agree with you, you should pray istikhara and think it over. If I were in your shoes I would not be asking if it's okay to marry a diabetic, but I'd be asking if it's okay to marry someone with a missing arm and leg due to his own negligence. We've seen so many articles in balance magazine about young people who had to learn the hard way about looking after themselves, often after going blind or something else very serious going wrong that cannot be fixed. These consequences cannot just be fobbed off as "it's just Allah's (swt) will" if he's the one exacerbating the problem for himself.

    Btw on a practical note, has he made any arrangements in terms of his working life and holding down a job? For diabetics who look after their health well it can be a challenge but they find ways to make adjustments- for someone who doesn't look after his health I really can't imagine how he'd sort that side of things out.

    I personally would not worry at all about children or hereditary factors. Most of the IndoPak community have diabetes in their families now, so there's a very high chance that if you didn't marry him and married someone else who is in good health, the risk factors of children developing it wouldn't be too different. If you instill healthy eating habits in the home when you have children, then there's even less of a chance of children developing it anyway- or managing it well enough to live long and fulfilling lives even if they do get it. So that should not really be a primary concern imo.

    Leave a comment:


  • abubakarbristol
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by Bubbles5 View Post
    Okay so I've gotten a proposal from a nice guy. We're both studying in university-and aren't going to finish for 2 years. But anyways, we are highly interested in each other and want our families to meet. I've told my mom, and she will discuss it with my dad. However, there's a little problem. This guy has a lot of health issues, he's had diabetes since he was 13 (he's now 21), gets seizures often, has bone density issues, and has various nutritional deficiencies. He's also not VERY serious about his health. I know those are pretty big issues, and my mom is very concerned about them because she obviously wants the best for me.

    Do you guys think it's a good idea to pursue marriage with a man with such health issues? I'm only 20 and feel like I don't have enough experience in the world to realize the severity of these problems and am looking for some insight. Thank you.
    My brother has type I diabetes, he has had it since he was 9.

    He looks after his diet and is in good health, and over 50.

    So this would not be a barrier to marriage, especially if you have no history of type I in your family there is little chance that your kids would have it.

    I would be a little concerned that he doesn't look after his health, as he needs to.

    The other issues, if the seizures are from diabetes then they are mostly preventable by proper discipline of diet and insulin.

    Nutritional deficiencies are surely from a poor diet, so you maybe taking on a bit of a baby who will not take responsibility for himself, and not only in the area of health.

    I suggest that you research the health issues and make a more informed decision, when you have gained as much knowledge about the situation as you can do Isthikhara.
    Last edited by abubakarbristol; 16-03-12, 11:51 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Kya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by Sis_Asiya View Post
    No one can state when a person dies - you could be in perfect health and die tomorrow
    I don't think anyone worries about death. Allah takes his gift whenver he wants. But dealing with sick person is difficult, taking care of sick person burns you out. And althought the strong faith & love this sister is entering this marraige with, few years of constant doctor appotment & running house alone, she will be burned out and frustrated.

    It is difficult to the OP. but only you can answer if this man is right for you

    Leave a comment:


  • Bubbles5
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Well. I know he doesn't take care of his health because of his re-occuring seizures. His sister has also told me he does not take care of his diet very well. Although he does exercise occasionally. I am also concerned with having to deal with children who might inherit his health issues... But at the same time, like you guys have stated, I could marry someone perfectly healthy but who could end up getting sick later. And if I am meant to have children with health issues that will be the case regardless of whether I marry a healthy or unhealthy guy, right?

    So I don't know.. The replies to the post have further confused me. I don't know what to do. I feel this man is right for me, but I don't want to regret my decision in the future. At the same time, I'm not sure if I'll find another man with the same qualities as him.

    My parents have left the decision up to me. They have told me that it's not easy dealing with a sick husband, but it's my choice.
    I will pray Isthikhara. But any other suggestions?

    Leave a comment:


  • dhak1yya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by Abda View Post
    Appreciate what you are saying but my point was just what you made about whether you safeguard ur health or not, its Allahs will that ultimately decides ur fate, yes you could do everything in ur power to not get ill but then you do! eg those who have never smoked, never inhaled secondary smoke etc yet still get throat cancer...are they gonna be any happier at having throat cancer coz they looked after their bodies...I dont think so, in fact more likely to be mad becoz they took special care of themselves!

    To the OP, imagine you turn this man down due to what you think are health issues that could kill him, yet you happen to meet him 30yrs down the line and he is alive and well and happily married to someone who had the faith and took a chance, how would you feel then??? (especially if you never get another proposal as good as him)
    I agree with you about that :) all of it :) - the only issue was that we are accountable for what we do to our bodies, so despite the above being true, we should do what we can to safeguard our health even so. I think you agree with me about that as well, just that we're emphasising different aspects of the same thing. My comment wasn't even intended to be aimed at you directly, but at the whole thread, as Muslims are sometimes unaware of this.

    Leave a comment:


  • AbuMubarak
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    if the man is a good muslim marry him

    Allah is in charge of his health and his death

    read the story of julaybib

    marriage is an act of ibada

    Leave a comment:


  • Sis_Asiya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by cyber_abdullah View Post
    make it a condition of the marriage that he takes care of himself? you don't want your future husband, god forbid, having an early death, leaving you with children to take of by yourself.
    No one can state when a person dies - you could be in perfect health and die tomorrow

    Leave a comment:


  • neelu
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    What gives you the impression that he doesn't take care of his health? Is it something he freely admits and really doesn't bother with? It's just that my mum has diabetes and regulates it very well but when her sugar is on the low side, she would need to eat sweet things like halwa and kheer etc and if someone observes her who doesn't know any better, people could jump to conclusions that she isn't taking proper care of herself when in fact she really knows what she's doing. So are you sure he's not taking proper care of himself?

    I don't think diabetes should be a barrier for marriage and as for genetic factors... every other family in my local community has someone with diabetes so it's already in practically everyone's genes anyway. The issue should not be whether he has diabetes, but rather whether he makes an effort to regulate it and take care of it otherwise it can lead to some serious issues further down the line. I read an article in 'Balance' magazine once about a young woman who was diagnosed with diabetes in childhood and I've heard that sadly it's a very common problem that very young people start off without the maturity to understand the importance of regulating their eating and lifestyle habits until it is too late. It's even worse among kufaar who develop drinking habits by the time they're in their late teens as well but even when you take alcohol out of the equation it can be pretty serious.

    Also if he has bone density and other issues, it's worth discussing issues such as how this would effect things like work life and being able to provide for you. I'm not trying to put you off, but rather I'm saying think these important matters through before making a decision inshAllah.

    Leave a comment:


  • Abda
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
    With regards to this attitude, Muhammad :saw: said "trust in Allah and tie your camels" - i.e. you can't expect Allah to protect your camel if you don't tie it! It might be written that your camel's going to get stolen by a thief with a big knife, but at least you did what you could to protect your camel, you didn't just let it wander off into the desert and wonder why Allah didn't protect it when you trusted Him.

    Also our bodies have rights over us, we have a duty to keep the body healthy, or at least do what's in our power to. Given these things, as Muslims we should do what we can and what is within our power to safeguard our health, e.g. eating healthy food, getting medical treatment for things that doctors know how to treat etc, and also trust in Allah. It's absolutely correct that we could do everything possible to safeguard our health and we still become afflicted by illness because that's what Allah's written, but at least in that case you've done your bit to look after your body.
    Appreciate what you are saying but my point was just what you made about whether you safeguard ur health or not, its Allahs will that ultimately decides ur fate, yes you could do everything in ur power to not get ill but then you do! eg those who have never smoked, never inhaled secondary smoke etc yet still get throat cancer...are they gonna be any happier at having throat cancer coz they looked after their bodies...I dont think so, in fact more likely to be mad becoz they took special care of themselves!

    To the OP, imagine you turn this man down due to what you think are health issues that could kill him, yet you happen to meet him 30yrs down the line and he is alive and well and happily married to someone who had the faith and took a chance, how would you feel then??? (especially if you never get another proposal as good as him)

    Leave a comment:


  • dhak1yya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    Originally posted by Abda View Post
    Have your parents talk to his parents regarding his health issues and ask them the reasoning behind his nonchalant attitude towards his health. I say this because there maybe an underlying reasoning behind his attitude. He maybe so steadfast in his belief in Allah that he thinks he can do nothing but live his life and let whatever Allah wishes for him to experience come his way.
    With regards to this attitude, Muhammad :saw: said "trust in Allah and tie your camels" - i.e. you can't expect Allah to protect your camel if you don't tie it! It might be written that your camel's going to get stolen by a thief with a big knife, but at least you did what you could to protect your camel, you didn't just let it wander off into the desert and wonder why Allah didn't protect it when you trusted Him.

    Also our bodies have rights over us, we have a duty to keep the body healthy, or at least do what's in our power to. Given these things, as Muslims we should do what we can and what is within our power to safeguard our health, e.g. eating healthy food, getting medical treatment for things that doctors know how to treat etc, and also trust in Allah. It's absolutely correct that we could do everything possible to safeguard our health and we still become afflicted by illness because that's what Allah's written, but at least in that case you've done your bit to look after your body.

    Leave a comment:


  • dhak1yya
    replied
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    The first piece of advice is this - you could marry a man who is in perfect health, then because of Allah's will he has a bad accident or succumbs to a long term, debilitating illness, and have to deal with all his health issues anyway. Only Allah knows what the future holds.

    Regarding this specific man inshaAllah, it sounds like he could be managing his health better inshaAllah (but it's hard to judge on an internet forum, as there may be other issues going on and I'm not a doctor) - but if he has insulin dependent diabetes (i.e. injects himself with insulin) this should not affect your marriage all that much provided he's careful to eat the right foods at the right time, test his blood sugar as required and use insulin as required. People with this condition can lead a normal life inshaAllah, it's a question about managing it. If he has non-insulin dependent diabetes, this form is caused by bad diet and usually isn't seen in young people (although since some children are growing up eating nothing but junk it's being seen in younger and younger people) so it's far more likely if it started at 13 to be the other type. This second type is treatable and even can be reversed with a healthy diet, and he should get advice from a dietician about how to treat and manage it inshaAllah, plus do exercise.

    Regards bone density - I can't really comment on that. Sometimes this can be caused by poor diet and lack of exercise, and is treated with the right kind of exercise and a diet rich in calcium.

    Regarding nutritional deficiencies - in most cases these are treatable, although some people due to other medical issues can't absorb vitamins correctly so they're harder to treat - if he has these he should be seeing a dietician, whether it's the hard to treat kind or not.

    So from the information, either he has some really complex health problems, or you're right that he's not managing his health very well. You need to know which it is, because if it's the 2nd one you do need to get him to take responsibility for it a bit more, because you don't want your kids to be fatherless at a young age subhanAllah.

    Leave a comment:

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