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Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

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  • #16
    Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

    My mum has type two diabetes and one of her major pet peeves is diabetics who don't look after their health or take preventative measure to avoid it getting worse. Such a laisee faire mindset is sadly soooooooo common in the Indo-pak community, particularly Pakistanis (or at least that's the community we have most experience of so can't speak for others). They mostly have a VERY defeatist mindset towards health that if it's good or bad it's "Allah's (t) will"- clearly they weren't taught the ahadith about "tying the camel THEN leaving it to Allah's (swt) will" or about the body being an amanah to take care of.

    The issue here is not that he has diabetes, but rather the fact that he doesn't take care of his health which is a bad habit in the general population but for diabetics the consequences are often catastrophic. There are also sadly a lot of cultural factors that reinforce very bad dietary habits such as families constantly bringing mithai to each others houses on every Eid, wedding, birth of a baby in the family, birthday, passing of exams and so on leading to such foods being brought into the house on a regular basis. Then other family members might say "you're the diabetic one who needs to be disciplined about diet, not us" so they don't care that bringing added temptations into the house makes the situation worse and shouldn't be brought into the house in the first place (or only on very rare occassions).

    This is aside from other habits such as adding whole blocks of anchor butter to the curries, eating red meat every single day, having deep fried foods on a regular basis and coke and pepsi may as well be on tap.

    My mum once spoke to her diabetes consultant in frustration that she takes such good care of her sugar levels and her eating habits, but she sees other people with diabetes regularly eating pakoras and drinking mango juice like it's no big deal. She asked the consultant that if other people can do this and simply say "it's okay, I just double my insulin dose when I eat such things"- then she asked "am I wasting my time in taking so many precautions?". Her consultant replied solemnly "My dear, the people you speak of pay no attention to the dangers because the effects of such bad habits don't hit them straight away but rather months or a few years later- then they come to me crying when it's too late, asking why they can't see properly anymore, or why their hands and feet are becoming numb (from neuropathy) and many of them by that point need amputations. You are doing the right thing to take precautions at such an early stage".

    You can send him my post if you want but I don't know if it will have much effect as his Dr has probably already warned him about this and most people aren't equipped with the practical resources to even know how to be more careful and change habits that lasted a lifetime. I agree with you, you should pray istikhara and think it over. If I were in your shoes I would not be asking if it's okay to marry a diabetic, but I'd be asking if it's okay to marry someone with a missing arm and leg due to his own negligence. We've seen so many articles in balance magazine about young people who had to learn the hard way about looking after themselves, often after going blind or something else very serious going wrong that cannot be fixed. These consequences cannot just be fobbed off as "it's just Allah's (swt) will" if he's the one exacerbating the problem for himself.

    Btw on a practical note, has he made any arrangements in terms of his working life and holding down a job? For diabetics who look after their health well it can be a challenge but they find ways to make adjustments- for someone who doesn't look after his health I really can't imagine how he'd sort that side of things out.

    I personally would not worry at all about children or hereditary factors. Most of the IndoPak community have diabetes in their families now, so there's a very high chance that if you didn't marry him and married someone else who is in good health, the risk factors of children developing it wouldn't be too different. If you instill healthy eating habits in the home when you have children, then there's even less of a chance of children developing it anyway- or managing it well enough to live long and fulfilling lives even if they do get it. So that should not really be a primary concern imo.
    The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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    • #17
      Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

      Originally posted by Kya View Post
      I don't think anyone worries about death. Allah takes his gift whenver he wants. But dealing with sick person is difficult, taking care of sick person burns you out. And althought the strong faith & love this sister is entering this marraige with, few years of constant doctor appotment & running house alone, she will be burned out and frustrated.

      It is difficult to the OP. but only you can answer if this man is right for you
      there is no guarantee that marrying a person who is not ill means that he remains without illness through the course of his life, what happens if the person you marry becomes ill?

      Bukhari volume 7 hadith number 548: narrated Abu Huraira (r.a.) that Prophet sallahu alayhi wa salam said: if Allah wants to do good to someone than Allah will afflict him with illness

      And i agree living with someone ill is difficult, but when is life easy?
      82. Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is, "be", and it is! 83. So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will you be all brought back. Quran surah 36: Ya-sin

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      • #18
        Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

        Originally posted by AbuMubarak View Post
        if the man is a good muslim marry him

        Allah is in charge of his health and his death

        read the story of julaybib

        marriage is an act of ibada
        Had this been a woman with health issues, your response might be quite different?



        Khair, What is this woman going to do with a man who has such serious health issues; how is he going to support her? Go on benefits and let the state deal with the finances? Get real, he has serious health issues such that if not now (but later) he will not be working at all. He doesnt seem too bothered about his health. The OP needs to do some hard thinking as she cant complain later when she doesnt have any money to spend on herself and kids.

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        • #19
          Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

          Originally posted by bubbles5 View Post
          okay so i've gotten a proposal from a nice guy. We're both studying in university-and aren't going to finish for 2 years. But anyways, we are highly interested in each other and want our families to meet. I've told my mom, and she will discuss it with my dad. However, there's a little problem. This guy has a lot of health issues, he's had diabetes since he was 13 (he's now 21), gets seizures often, has bone density issues, and has various nutritional deficiencies. He's also not very serious about his health. I know those are pretty big issues, and my mom is very concerned about them because she obviously wants the best for me.

          Do you guys think it's a good idea to pursue marriage with a man with such health issues? I'm only 20 and feel like i don't have enough experience in the world to realize the severity of these problems and am looking for some insight. Thank you.
          no, dont go down this road.

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          • #20
            Re: Pursuing marriage with a man with many health issues?

            Sis, its silly to think that you have control over life or death. We have the ability to affect the quality of our life, which is what his habits effect... but for those saying you may end up widowed young.... he could be the picture of health and this still happens, god forbid.

            I think more importantly, you figure out if his health issues are genetic. What kind of work and patience it would take from you to care for him at his worst, and whether or not your personally ready for that responsibility. If you feel like you are, figure out more about the way he treats his body. 'not serious about his health' is pretty vague.... if hes willing to work towards that, and you're able to take on that emotional responsibility then move on to the more serious questions

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