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  • How can some1 be so mean

    Asalam-o-Alaikum

    I am at a very difficult phase of my life. I was married once, but due to husband's ill treatment, drug addiction and abuse, it ruined. Now em wid my parents, my parents as well as brothers are very affectionate 2 me, as em facing such a trauma at a younger age. But, my elder brother’s wife is not willing to see me at my parents place.
    Instead of helping me to overcome the stroke of luck, 4m which em going through, she just wants me to leave this place, she has a 2.5 year old daughter, whenever the baby is playing wid me, she snatches it away from my hands, not even allow the baby to come to my room, all have adviced her several tymes not 2 be so mean to me, but whenever any1 tries 2 give her advice, she starts crying, weeping, shouting and creating a big mess.
    My father is a Cardiac patient and my mother is also not very well, we can’t afford any dilemma of this sort, she dnt even allow her husband 2 be nice 2 his parents, always trying 2 create hatred among brothers and sisters.
    Now, as I am at my parents home she always victimizes me, I have talked her several times 2 be nice 2 me but no vain.
    I don’t know where 2 go and where 2 hide myself, in this situation.
    Any suggestions plz ???????

  • #2
    Re: How can some1 be so mean

    Sounds like she has her own psychological issues and maybe she's jealous or sees you as a threat. Maybe she's got her own past traumas and no-one's being sympathetic to her about it (or something.... just guessing) - also some mums are very jumpy about who gets to hold their kids etc, just kind of being overprotective, overanxious etc. Sometimes anxiety can be mistaken for aggression. The fact she gets so upset when corrected suggests that either she's really anxious, or she has some other problem. IN other words, it's not about you, it's about her.

    Whether I'm right about any of those things, don't take her attitude personally, and also do you really have to spend so much time with her? Obviously you have to visit your older brother etc, but could you visit when she's not around maybe? Even if that's not possible, you need to accept that she's like it, and that she's the one with the problem and it's not anything that you've done, and just let her get on with it, i.e. don't take it personally, just accept that's how she is. And if she's very anxious/jumpy about people picking up her baby, then don't pick up her baby.
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    • #3
      Re: How can some1 be so mean

      I think probably while you away she might have had some issues in differing approaches to child raising, and may have felt like others were trying to take over her role, or the baby bonded better with others then her and preferred the company of others over her, and therefore she is acting this way.

      Instead of trying to tell her what to do, have you listened to her? When she is shouting amd crying what does she say? How does she feel?

      Recipes for all the family :inlove:
      (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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      • #4
        Re: How can some1 be so mean

        Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
        Sounds like she has her own psychological issues and maybe she's jealous or sees you as a threat. Maybe she's got her own past traumas and no-one's being sympathetic to her about it (or something.... just guessing) - also some mums are very jumpy about who gets to hold their kids etc, just kind of being overprotective, overanxious etc. Sometimes anxiety can be mistaken for aggression. The fact she gets so upset when corrected suggests that either she's really anxious, or she has some other problem. IN other words, it's not about you, it's about her.

        Whether I'm right about any of those things, don't take her attitude personally, and also do you really have to spend so much time with her? Obviously you have to visit your older brother etc, but could you visit when she's not around maybe? Even if that's not possible, you need to accept that she's like it, and that she's the one with the problem and it's not anything that you've done, and just let her get on with it, i.e. don't take it personally, just accept that's how she is. And if she's very anxious/jumpy about people picking up her baby, then don't pick up her baby.
        We live in a joint family. My elder brother lives overseas and she is also residing there, but after every 3 mnths they come to our country for a month or two and she cant even tolerate any1 during such a short period ov time. she is so possessive bout her husband that she dnt even let him be alone for a single moment. Her own brother, and his wife behave the same with her which she brings to us. Even my brother is not satisfied with her as a wife, as she has no respect 4 his family. her real problem is evny,

        envy is what:
        So you don't like a person because he/she possesses some thing you imagine to be good that you don't have? You feel 'sick' whenever you see him/her; hear people talking about him/her or even when you think of him/her while you are alone. This is because he/she is smarter or wealthier or more knowledgeable or intelligent or virtuous than you are. And you are not able to appreciate his/her unique talent or possession or popularity. And by your behavior you try to downgrade, avoid, or defame him/her, feel happy when he/she suffers a loss or is in a difficulty. But you hide this feeling inside yourself. Do you know that this condition is a sickness of soul and heart and it also harms your physical health is called as Envy, Destructive Jealousy (Hasad)?

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        • #5
          Re: How can some1 be so mean

          so you ask for advice we give it and you ignore?

          Recipes for all the family :inlove:
          (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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          • #6
            Re: How can some1 be so mean

            Originally posted by naila-k View Post
            so you ask for advice we give it and you ignore?
            No, sister I have not ignored ur advice, listening to her, pampering her, boosting her ego, listen what she feels like, why she cry, what she says when crying, all these are the steps we are repeating from 5 years, but day by day she is becoming more stubborn.
            u said, have I listened to her, not only me but my parents and her husband as well have asked her a million times, What her real problem is but she only says one thing and that is whatever she do to others and whatever she says, its her right, ok fine but when someone says a little thing to her she immediately comes to rage and always the other person have to apologize to her, then she let it go, but the rules are different for her, you said, When she is shouting and crying what does she say, as I told you she is always in the blame game, its always the other person who has to apologize to her and then she let the situation come to normal.
            for example, before my marriage, she added my fiancée to her profile, without her own husband’s consent and uploaded my pics without veil, my fiancée saw my pics and told me that, he saw me without veil, and so and so, when my brother asked her why she added a na mahrem to her profile and why she showed my pics to him, she refused to admit it and started crying and shouting and refused to remove my pics from there. I removed her from my husbands profile later on, she complained my husband about it and created mis understandings between us.
            And my second brother’s fiancée was more educated and more beautiful than her, she created such mis-understandings between the couple that their engagement broke away, we have given her so much space and respect being elder brother’s wife, but now everyone really dislikes her.
            And sister you said, she has a problem with child raising, yes, her baby prefers the company of others over her, whenever anything is not according to her will, she snatches baby from the hands of others and dnt allow any1 to touch her, saying its only her daughter.
            So, in this situation, how to handle her, we dnt know.

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            • #7
              Re: How can some1 be so mean

              Originally posted by naila-k View Post
              so you ask for advice we give it and you ignore?
              No, sister I have not ignored ur advice, listening to her, pampering her, boosting her ego, listen what she feels like, why she cry, what she says when crying, all these are the steps we are repeating from 5 years, but day by day she is becoming more stubborn.
              u said, have I listened to her, not only me but my parents and her husband as well have asked her a million times, What her real problem is but she only says one thing and that is whatever she do to others and whatever she says, its her right, ok fine but when someone says a little thing to her she immediately comes to rage and always the other person have to apologize to her, then she let it go, but the rules are different for her, you said, When she is shouting and crying what does she say, as I told you she is always in the blame game, its always the other person who has to apologize to her and then she let the situation come to normal.
              for example, before my marriage, she added my fiancée to her profile, without her own husband’s consent and uploaded my pics without veil, my fiancée saw my pics and told me that, he saw me without veil, and so and so, when my brother asked her why she added a na mahrem to her profile and why she showed my pics to him, she refused to admit it and started crying and shouting and refused to remove my pics from there. I removed her from my husbands profile later on, she complained my husband about it and created mis understandings between us.
              And my second brother’s fiancée was more educated and more beautiful than her, she created such mis-understandings between the couple that their engagement broke away, we have given her so much space and respect being elder brother’s wife, but now everyone really dislikes her.
              And sister you said, she has a problem with child raising, yes, her baby prefers the company of others over her, whenever anything is not according to her will, she snatches baby from the hands of others and dnt allow any1 to touch her, saying its only her daughter.
              So, in this situation, how to handle her, we dnt know.

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              • #8
                Re: How can some1 be so mean

                Originally posted by Rabia Basri View Post
                We live in a joint family. My elder brother lives overseas and she is also residing there, but after every 3 mnths they come to our country for a month or two and she cant even tolerate any1 during such a short period ov time. she is so possessive bout her husband that she dnt even let him be alone for a single moment. Her own brother, and his wife behave the same with her which she brings to us. Even my brother is not satisfied with her as a wife, as she has no respect 4 his family. her real problem is evny,
                It sounds like a difficult situation.

                I know what envy is, but I think that you're possibly wrong about this being the real problem. Even a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist would have to have very indepth conversations with someone to get to the root of what their problem is. I don't think this is an issue between you and her at all, but a general issue with her.

                One thing that concerned me about this post is how your brother has let people know that he's not satisfied with her as a wife - that sort of thing should stay private between them, or only be mentioned to a marriage counsellor, or a sheikh who's advising them of what to do. If the whole family know this, then it's no wonder she feels on the defensive constantly. Maybe she feels that you all hate her, or think she's an inadequate wife/mother, and that's why she's being like that with your family. Sometimes you may think you're trying to help and be supportive, but the wrong choice of words can make someone feel attacked (even if you didn't intend it that way) and so they react back by arguing and being defensive, rather than realising that you're trying to help. She may also feel that she's being backbitten and gossiped about by the family, seeing as you know about her husband not being satisfied with her (put yourself in her position, imagine *your* husband told all his siblings that he was not satisfied with you, and they all came to "help" you but you felt that they were only doing that because they've all been backbiting about what an inadequate wife and mother you are....)

                An alternative possibility is that she has psycological problems, and if that's the case then what I said above may apply even more so, i.e. she may be even more inclined to react negatively to attempts to help her. The current situation - you all trying to help her and getting nowhere - may just be making everything worse. You've said in your post that you feel she's an inadequate wife and mother - I have no way of knowing if that's the truth or just your perception based on what you've seen (and perhaps you've only seen her when she feels threatened and got at - which is not her best!) or perhaps she has psychological problems that need to be addressed and she really is an inadequate wife and mother - but the way you've tackled it so far hasn't worked, so maybe you need to approach the problem in a very different way, and the first way IMO is to try to see things from her point of view. Try to walk a mile in her moccassins, because only then will you be able to get a better insight into what the problem is, and if you and the family have wronged her in any way, you need to admit to that (it's not that common for family disputes to be 100% the fault of one person! usually there's wrong on both sides, even in cases where there may be more wrong on one side than another - and such disputes can only be resolved when both sides take responsibility for their part in it)

                Rather than talking with the family about the problems with his wife, your brother should look into marriage counselling inshaAllah, with someone who's also qualified in dealing with mental health issues, because if she does need mental health counselling, then she can have that in addition to marriage counselling. If she feels happier and more secure in her marriage then that will inshaAllah result in her behaving better towards the family. If it's the case that she has mental health problems and that's why she's behaving like she is, inshaAllah counselling can help her to manage her feelings and behaviour better and inshaAllah that will lead to her being happier in herself, in her marriage and in her relationships with other family members.

                Don't assume that her behaviour is all jealousy/envy, because looking at the whole situation as you've described it, it's doesn't seem to be so simple, and people are generally not so simple as that. But even if you're correct and it's all just jealousy, inshaAllah the counselling will help her to get over it inshaAllah. BUt IMO it does sound like a lot more than that, could be marriage problems you don't know about, or it could be that she has mental health problems. But in all those situations, inshaAllah if your bro agrees for the two of them to do marriage counselling (with someone who can advise her to also do mental health counselling if necessary) - it should cover all those issues inshaAllah. And in the meantime, try not to take her behaviour personally, and understand that there's generally a lot of complex psychological reasons behind it that have nothing to do with you as a person.
                Last edited by dhak1yya; 14-03-12, 02:02 PM.
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                • #9
                  Re: How can some1 be so mean

                  Does she snatch her child away from all the relatives who play with her or only you? If she does this with all the relatives then she's just a bit posessive and has underlying issues that cause her to not get on with your family (which could be anything ranging from a personality clash to anything else). If she is only like this specifically towards you, then I'm guessing she carries some superstition that divorcee women are 'unlucky' and shouldn't be anywhere near her child. Is she from back home by any chance? That sort of thinking is more common over there- especially if you had a miscarriage or fertility problems or something.
                  The Lyme Disease pandemic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5u73ME4sVU

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                  • #10
                    Re: How can some1 be so mean

                    I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. Sis I can only say you pray to Allah. I know you must be doing EVERYTHING possible, but still it all seems hard, but remember she will face Allah one day and be questioned for all she did to cause you this pain. Allah is testing you and us all in our own problems, but we need to keep faith and pray to him. I have a aunty which her daughter in law has become queen of the house, she got her husband to throw his own mom out the house. Its really sad to see why people would do this, but its very common in our religion for daughther in laws changing the atmosphere of their in laws house. Its hard to find a decent girl to come into your family. One of my cousins have just been engaged and the girl is REALLY nice, but I can see that the niceness will not be lasting... Just read dua and Inshallah Allah gives you the strength you need through this hard time your going through. I'll do dua for you. Take care x

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                    • #11
                      :salams

                      I am soo sorry to hear abt ur relationship but sister have patience and inshAllah Allah will settle ur problems

                      Abt ur sis-in-law; she has mistreated but please try to be generous, I know it's hard to be kind to the one who misbehaves with u, Remember the Teaching of our Beloved Prophet to have a gud character and manners

                      Please try to patch up things between ur brother and his wife and inshAllah ur marital problems will be fixed. As Allah helps the person who helps others

                      May Allah give u sabre and grant us all the ability to behave how a believer should behave. Ameen
                      7 Heavens and The Arsh & Kursi Of Allah - by Sheikh Ahmed Ali [HD] :up:

                      Subhan'Allah wa bi-hamdihi
                      Glorified is Allah with all praise due to Him:love:

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