Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

marrying without attraction?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • aekbal
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    salaam Hirar,
    firstly there are good guys out there, and yes it is hard to climb to the top of the tree for the good apples than to pick the ones fallen.

    a physical attraction is needed for a marriage since you will be seeing that person for the rest of your life
    but.... most women -now I am saying MOST not all women always want the very best of men and always striving fro someone better, But keep in mind that looks are important as much as the many other qualities that they may hold such as balanced job, knowledge of deen and ability to perform salah and have sabr/patience and be understanding..
    sometimes these qualities are just as attractive as looks and also try to overlook the persons past and understand them, and importantly be wary of traditional beliefs and do the choice making the way of the prophet saw.
    hope this helps..

    Leave a comment:


  • sushi
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by muslim3 View Post
    i know a brother who married a girl who he did not find attractive. he did it for social/family reasons and for the past 2 years, not a single time has he had intercourse. he is trying to figure out a way to dissolve the marriage without hurting her emotionally. and yes, he is at risk for having relations outside the marriage. attraction is very important although not the foundation of a marriage.
    Please do not PM me with your personal stories. I am just disgusted that you wrote something to me which you can't even write in public! Non-mahrams are not supposed to pm sisters anyway.

    Leave a comment:


  • ~kittens~
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by Goldfinger View Post
    I respect people on their behaviour and not what they just wear. In the city I used work there was such a brother, thobed and bearded who was disgustingly kissing a hijabi in public at the railway station. I was so shocked by this awful behaviour. Don't judge a brother just by his clothing but my his actions and manners. I am not saying most brothers are like this but it makes you wonder.
    I know what you mean but i suppose i've been lucky then because i haven't come across any brother behaving in such a way. Especially not one that has a beard and wearing a thobe. Alhumdulillah. It's not because of just what they are wearing that i respect them, i've come across many brothers that don't have a beard or wear a thobe and Alhumdulillah they lower their gaze the whole time i'm talking to them.(teachers at my boys' arabic school). It's like they say, "Don't judge a book by its cover".

    Leave a comment:


  • deen1984
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    bad idea

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by sushi View Post
    Assalamualaikum !

    Before marriage personally we know very little about the prospective partner. So, after we get married you will find many flaws in that person which you were unaware of before marriage. Thats why if you don't find anyone attractive and then marry him, you may find yourself as a biiig loser after marriage you know.

    I can say this ^ because I am a sufferer, I ignored his looks for the family reasons and now I know so many flaws of him that makes me feel my life is ruined because....... ok, leave it inshaAllah! .....but I'll never recommend marrying someone who isn't at least 'normal' good looking/reasonably good looking in your eyes. He doesn't have to be very handsome but at least whom your eyes can bear to look at you know. Otherwise, its a killer in intimate relations....
    Good point. I pray that your situation gets easier.

    I think sometimes men forget that women also have desires and assume that they have enough 'emotions' to help them be intimate with someone they are not physically attracted to.

    Leave a comment:


  • al-siddiq
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by hirar View Post
    Assalamu alaykum.

    I have been wondering, these days it is so hard to find good guys. So if a good guy is found, but there is no attraction, a lot of people say that we should just put our trust in Allah (swt) and marry them. Being a girl we are emotional beings. So it is possible that we don't find them attractive because we don't know them at that level. And love will come after marriage. But what if that never happens? Is it okay to wait for someone who we are madly attracted to then to settle for a guy we are not? But the guys that we are attracted to aren't attracted to us? Or do you recommend that we go for good guys who we don't develop feelings or attraction for?
    Wa Aalaikum Assalam

    Men and women are a little bit different in this area (regardless of what western society teaches), in that like you said women are more emotional beings so they can build attraction based on other things. So if you think he will take good care of you, treat you wonderfully, and he has other traits which you think are important you can likely feel attracted to him as time passes.

    But you should take time out to think about this. I apologize for some of the other posts here, unfortunately people will post answers without having proper knowledge of such matters.

    Leave a comment:


  • ukhan0888
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by Ibadah View Post
    Well to be honest brother a pious brother with a full length beard is deemed to be unattractive by alot of sisters. But off course they will be exceptions like everything. Sisters ive heard about through brothers want a stubble brother who dresses to impress (shirt/trousers, suit) compared to a guy in a thobe and a full length beard, i myself have experienced this aswell.

    Nowadays beauty plays a big part then it should do, why? cause of the evils of tv, you see sisters and brothers watching films, pop groups or whatever and the level of expectations naturally increases, they want a clean shaven guy or a super model etc etc, deen comes last.

    Allahu Musta'un

    Btw you will love you're spouse if you both worship Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala the way he should be worshipped, he (swt) will put love in you're hearts naturally.
    :salams

    Thats pretty much it, those who put attraction before deen, or are afraid that the marriage wont work because of lack of attraction, should work on strengthening their iman. If you two love Allah, Allah will put love between you.

    And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqun(the pious. See V.2:2)." (24:74)

    Those will be rewarded with the highest place (in Paradise) because of their patience. Therein they shall be met with greetings and the word of peace and respect. (24:75)

    Leave a comment:


  • amiin
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by Goldfinger View Post
    I respect people on their behaviour and not what they just wear. In the city I used work there was such a brother, thobed and bearded who was disgustingly kissing a hijabi in public at the railway station. I was so shocked by this awful behaviour. Don't judge a brother just by his clothing but my his actions and manners. I am not saying most brothers are like this but it makes you wonder.
    seriouslly ...makes you wonder we should be so much more educated in what is religion and what is tradition inshAllah
    well to marry someone you find atractive can bring more peace and avoid temptations - the deen matters because when you are in a marriage you need to take serious decisions - you need someone with whom to advice - comes maturity and the good looks will be useless after some weeks months of marriage we sould try look for someone that complets both in our eyes if is no possible at least near to this if that is again not possible adjust yourself - Allah knows everything we do

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by Ibadah View Post
    You're missing the point, you said its cultural/social reasons that plays a part? Meaning wearing shirt n jeans plays a part in what we consider attractive, this is what you said right?
    I can't speak for all - but when I lived in London, I found a certain look attractive on men/women. And yes, I have found jeans/shirt a attractive look. Is there something Islamically wrong with that?

    When I lived in Egypt. I found the Egyptian look attractive on men/women.

    On my travels/relocations to different countries - I have quickly warmed to the local look of that country.

    I now live in the Middle East. I find a different look attractive on men/women.

    If my husband was getting ready for a wedding - he/I would prefer that his headdress was influenced by where he lives today, rather than what he used to wear when he lived in Egypt. We liked it in Egypt. Now that we dont live in Egypt. We do not like it as much.

    All of the above has been influenced by culture/society.

    Islam dictates how we should dress. It doesnt dictate what we should find attractive.

    Without doubt, I respect the man who has a full sunnah beard, wears a thobe, holds his head up high even when he is insulted/ridiculed. That's why I married a man like that.

    However, my attraction/desires - what I find attractive/what I don't - is a part of me. I can not help what I find attractive/or not....some of which is part of me, some of which is influenced by society/culture.
    Last edited by LondonGal; 06-03-12, 02:42 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ibadah
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by LondonGal View Post
    Islam does not dictate what we should find attractive - people like thin men/women, larger men/women, shorter people, taller people, quiet people, confident people, blue eyes, brown eyes, red hair, blonde hair etc etc this doesnt come from Islam - Islam just tells us to marry those who we find attractive. It doesnt tell us WHAT we should find attractive.

    In Islam, we know that women should wear an abayah and hijaab out of the home. However, that doesnt mean that a man MUST find a woman more attractive in a abayah, compared to a woman who is not wearing much. If he did, then it wouldnt even make sense is cos the whole point of the hijaab is NOT to look attractive to others.

    And in regards to London, I'm glad it's not too difficult for you. Unfortunately, that wasnt the case for my husband who would encounter some unwarranted behaviour daily. My husband never let any looks, stares or insults STOP him from wearing what he was wearing. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with preferring to live in a environment where what you wear is the norm rather than an exception - because then, at least my husband and I can go to the park, restuarant, shopping etc without someone ruining our day cos they hurled insults at us.
    You're missing the point, you said its cultural/social reasons that plays a part? Meaning wearing shirt n jeans plays a part in what we consider attractive, this is what you said right?

    I said, that shouldnt be the case, this is falling in jahil terrority, this is why the ummah is such a way as we play into what the west wants so we can "fit" in. As you heard from the other sisters, they have respect in a man in a thobe and a beard alhumdulilah and i have respect in a woman who wears the niqab, this doesnt mean i find a woman in a niqab attractive? I feel proud that my sisters are wearing the niqab and showing their love for the deen. This should be the feeling for everyone, not he is a non-muslim country so him wearing a thobe or beard i wouldnt find attractive cause he doesnt fit in. Now this is the point i picked you up on, when you said "social, culture plays a part in what we find attractive" A muslim sister should find and have respect for a guy who has a beard/thobe and not for a guy who has a stubble and jeans/shirt. This is the whole point im trying to make.

    If it then becomes difficult for me where i get insults or get beat up, then i would make hijra (if i can) i wouldnt let these kuffars stop me wearing the closest thing to the sunnah, just because i dont fit in. However if it was for job purposes and they had a strict dress code then off course i would abide by it. Btw a beard is wajib, so from the beard you would get insults anyway right? A brother was called bin laden on the train, what is he going to do, shave off his beard? Would sisters find this un-attractive cause he doesnt fit in to a culture where the majority are clean shaven?

    Anyway thats just my opinion, i can agree to disagree alhumdulilah
    Last edited by Ibadah; 06-03-12, 02:28 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • LondonGal
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by Ibadah View Post
    Not really, we should look to what our nabi (saw) wore and that should be a cause of attraction and "not" what country we live in etc. Closest thing to a sunnah is a thobe/kameez.

    I live in london and wear a thobe with beard, no one says anything to me and if they did i wouldnt take it sitting back. Plus i wouldnt let a few insults or whatever make me stop wearing that is closest thing to sunnah. As muslims we should have a dress code that is recognized amongst muslims, without a thobe i rarely got salaams, with a thobe i get people shouting salaams, alhumdulilah

    our attraction purely should come from the love of our deen.

    .
    Islam does not dictate what we should find attractive - people like thin men/women, larger men/women, shorter people, taller people, quiet people, confident people, blue eyes, brown eyes, red hair, blonde hair etc etc this doesnt come from Islam - Islam just tells us to marry those who we find attractive. It doesnt tell us WHAT we should find attractive.

    In Islam, we know that women should wear an abayah and hijaab out of the home. However, that doesnt mean that a man MUST find a woman more attractive in a abayah, compared to a woman who is not wearing much. If he did, then it wouldnt even make sense is cos the whole point of the hijaab is NOT to look attractive to others.

    And in regards to London, I'm glad it's not too difficult for you. Unfortunately, that wasnt the case for my husband who would encounter some unwarranted behaviour daily. My husband never let any looks, stares or insults STOP him from wearing what he was wearing. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with preferring to live in a environment where what you wear is the norm rather than an exception - because then, at least my husband and I can go to the park, restuarant, shopping etc without someone ruining our day cos they hurled insults at us.
    Last edited by LondonGal; 06-03-12, 07:04 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • hopes
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by Goldfinger View Post
    I respect people on their behaviour and not what they just wear. In the city I used work there was such a brother, thobed and bearded who was disgustingly kissing a hijabi in public at the railway station. I was so shocked by this awful behaviour. Don't judge a brother just by his clothing but my his actions and manners. I am not saying most brothers are like this but it makes you wonder.

    Leave a comment:


  • Goldfinger
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by AK24/09/12 LUF View Post
    Alhumdulillah. I completely agree with you. I have so much respect for the brothers with a full beard and a thobe. It's like you said, I can't even look up when I see a brother with a beard approaching and they too have lowered their gaze, Alhumdulillah.
    I respect people on their behaviour and not what they just wear. In the city I used work there was such a brother, thobed and bearded who was disgustingly kissing a hijabi in public at the railway station. I was so shocked by this awful behaviour. Don't judge a brother just by his clothing but my his actions and manners. I am not saying most brothers are like this but it makes you wonder.

    Leave a comment:


  • Goldfinger
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by hirar View Post
    Assalamu alaykum.

    I have been wondering, these days it is so hard to find good guys. So if a good guy is found, but there is no attraction, a lot of people say that we should just put our trust in Allah (swt) and marry them. Being a girl we are emotional beings. So it is possible that we don't find them attractive because we don't know them at that level. And love will come after marriage. But what if that never happens? Is it okay to wait for someone who we are madly attracted to then to settle for a guy we are not? But the guys that we are attracted to aren't attracted to us? Or do you recommend that we go for good guys who we don't develop feelings or attraction for?
    There are plenty of good guys out there but they're not always compatible with us and I am sure good guys have the same issue in finding a good girl. Do you find the man repulsive. Do you not have any feelings towards his appearance, is it positive, negative or indifferent. Let me put it this way, you will have to sit opposite this person whilst they eat for the next 60 odd years. Is this a prospect you fancy? Love doesn't happen like that. First you have to become friends with your partner, earn their trust and then love comes naturally but slowly. It's not just about looks but personality counts so much more. You have to give someone a chance. It's not all about physical attraction. Attraction can either grow or fade. It doesn't stay at the same level. Find someone you like and can laugh with and the attraction can grow as long as that something there is not missing. I can't find the right word description now to describe it now.

    Leave a comment:


  • BeReal
    replied
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by muslim3 View Post
    i know a brother who married a girl who he did not find attractive. he did it for social/family reasons and for the past 2 years, not a single time has he had intercourse. he is trying to figure out a way to dissolve the marriage without hurting her emotionally. and yes, he is at risk for having relations outside the marriage. attraction is very important although not the foundation of a marriage.
    Oh gosh, I feel sorry for the sister :"(
    I'm sorry at wht point does he think he hasn't already damaged her emotionally!
    He already has by marrying her.

    I have to agree with mirror why he didn't he say no.
    Or arrange to meet her with presence of wali and told
    Her straight that he not interested, he's being forced etcetc I would have preferred that. Then 2years down the line
    Sorry I got to let u go coz I'm not interested or attracted to u.
    I think she has figured that out by now.

    "if the sister has a hard time getting married now because she's a divorcee, she can definitely thank him." couldn't agree more
    I pray for the brothers emaan
    Last edited by BeReal; 05-03-12, 08:36 PM.

    Leave a comment:

Working...
X