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marrying without attraction?

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  • #31
    Re: marrying without attraction?

    Originally posted by hirar View Post
    Assalamu alaykum.

    I have been wondering, these days it is so hard to find good guys. So if a good guy is found, but there is no attraction, a lot of people say that we should just put our trust in Allah (swt) and marry them. Being a girl we are emotional beings. So it is possible that we don't find them attractive because we don't know them at that level. And love will come after marriage. But what if that never happens? Is it okay to wait for someone who we are madly attracted to then to settle for a guy we are not? But the guys that we are attracted to aren't attracted to us? Or do you recommend that we go for good guys who we don't develop feelings or attraction for?
    Wa Aalaikum Assalam

    Men and women are a little bit different in this area (regardless of what western society teaches), in that like you said women are more emotional beings so they can build attraction based on other things. So if you think he will take good care of you, treat you wonderfully, and he has other traits which you think are important you can likely feel attracted to him as time passes.

    But you should take time out to think about this. I apologize for some of the other posts here, unfortunately people will post answers without having proper knowledge of such matters.
    If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

    Humililty, Sincerity, and the quest for Truth. There is no purpose in life but to seek the pleasure of Allah.
    There is a possibility a female might use this account to read something!


    • #32
      Re: marrying without attraction?

      Originally posted by sushi View Post
      Assalamualaikum !

      Before marriage personally we know very little about the prospective partner. So, after we get married you will find many flaws in that person which you were unaware of before marriage. Thats why if you don't find anyone attractive and then marry him, you may find yourself as a biiig loser after marriage you know.

      I can say this ^ because I am a sufferer, I ignored his looks for the family reasons and now I know so many flaws of him that makes me feel my life is ruined because....... ok, leave it inshaAllah! .....but I'll never recommend marrying someone who isn't at least 'normal' good looking/reasonably good looking in your eyes. He doesn't have to be very handsome but at least whom your eyes can bear to look at you know. Otherwise, its a killer in intimate relations....
      Good point. I pray that your situation gets easier.

      I think sometimes men forget that women also have desires and assume that they have enough 'emotions' to help them be intimate with someone they are not physically attracted to.


      • #33
        Re: marrying without attraction?

        bad idea
        Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children...

        -Quran (57:20)


        • #34
          Re: marrying without attraction?

          Originally posted by Goldfinger View Post
          I respect people on their behaviour and not what they just wear. In the city I used work there was such a brother, thobed and bearded who was disgustingly kissing a hijabi in public at the railway station. I was so shocked by this awful behaviour. Don't judge a brother just by his clothing but my his actions and manners. I am not saying most brothers are like this but it makes you wonder.
          I know what you mean but i suppose i've been lucky then because i haven't come across any brother behaving in such a way. Especially not one that has a beard and wearing a thobe. Alhumdulillah. It's not because of just what they are wearing that i respect them, i've come across many brothers that don't have a beard or wear a thobe and Alhumdulillah they lower their gaze the whole time i'm talking to them.(teachers at my boys' arabic school). It's like they say, "Don't judge a book by its cover".
          "Innalilahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon" To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return." (Quran Surat Al Baqarah 2:156)
          "Every soul shall have a taste of death, then to us you will be ultimately returned." (Quran Surat Al Ankaboot 29:57)


          • #35
            Re: marrying without attraction?

            Originally posted by muslim3 View Post
            i know a brother who married a girl who he did not find attractive. he did it for social/family reasons and for the past 2 years, not a single time has he had intercourse. he is trying to figure out a way to dissolve the marriage without hurting her emotionally. and yes, he is at risk for having relations outside the marriage. attraction is very important although not the foundation of a marriage.
            Please do not PM me with your personal stories. I am just disgusted that you wrote something to me which you can't even write in public! Non-mahrams are not supposed to pm sisters anyway.


            • #36
              Re: marrying without attraction?

              salaam Hirar,
              firstly there are good guys out there, and yes it is hard to climb to the top of the tree for the good apples than to pick the ones fallen.

              a physical attraction is needed for a marriage since you will be seeing that person for the rest of your life
              but.... most women -now I am saying MOST not all women always want the very best of men and always striving fro someone better, But keep in mind that looks are important as much as the many other qualities that they may hold such as balanced job, knowledge of deen and ability to perform salah and have sabr/patience and be understanding..
              sometimes these qualities are just as attractive as looks and also try to overlook the persons past and understand them, and importantly be wary of traditional beliefs and do the choice making the way of the prophet saw.
              hope this helps..