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  • Hiding divorcee status

    Alhmdulillah, I am a divorcee and received few proposal from unmarried men. BUT the big questions they ask my parents not to disclosed it to their relatives about my marital status. Why is this so? And why will an unmarried guy want to marry a divorcee plus say not to disclose my status. This making us think.

  • #2
    Re: Hiding divorcee status

    There's plenty of reasons as to why an unmarried person would want to marry a divorcee. There are good reasons (eg the person is really open minded, the person feels as long as your deen and other good qualities are good then it doesn't matter, the person feels previously married Muslimahs should not be stigmatised or ignored by eligible batchelors etc)... and there are bad reasons for wanting to marry a divorcee (eg thinking the woman might be desperate and pressurised to lower her standards and consider marrying someone who would not treat her so well etc).

    From what little information you've mentioned, my guess is that the guy is relatively open minded about marrying a divorcee but his family are not and that's why he's asked your parents to not disclose your marital status. I think one of my brother's (Asian non Muslim) friends did the same thing as he was single and wanted to marry a divorcee. Discuss the matter with your parents as to whether you feel his request is reasonable or whether you feel that's deceptive and don't want to enter a marriage on those terms. It's entirely up to you.
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    • #3
      Re: Hiding divorcee status

      im divorced too, cant say ive known anyone to have a problem with this
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      • #4
        Re: Hiding divorcee status

        Originally posted by muslimah2012 View Post
        Alhmdulillah, I am a divorcee and received few proposal from unmarried men. BUT the big questions they ask my parents not to disclosed it to their relatives about my marital status. Why is this so? And why will an unmarried guy want to marry a divorcee plus say not to disclose my status. This making us think.
        I think your parents should ask them why.

        If it is an issue with a member of their family then you can discuss it and a judgement can be made.

        Usually the truth comes out, at some point; and you and your parents may be endangering your reputation for honesty and it may put you on the back foot when dealing with the inevitable marriage issues.

        Do these proposals come from men with a similar ethnicity and culture?
        And if so what generally is the cultural take on divorce?

        There may be some answers there.

        Without any specific reason and just based on my feelings alone, I would feel uneasy about starting off in a marriage knowing I had lied to my spouses parents in order to marry.

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        • #5
          Re: Hiding divorcee status

          Originally posted by muslimah2012 View Post
          Alhmdulillah, I am a divorcee and received few proposal from unmarried men. BUT the big questions they ask my parents not to disclosed it to their relatives about my marital status. Why is this so? And why will an unmarried guy want to marry a divorcee plus say not to disclose my status. This making us think.
          Ukthi you should disclose your Marital status, a Divorce is permissible/Halal you have nothing to be ashamed off,

          hiding it is a bad idea, if a Husband finds out later, it will only aid in creating doubts about you in his mind.

          We are commanded to Marry Muhsineen/Pious women, this means Virgins/Divorcees ...

          :jkk:
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          "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

          – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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          • #6
            Re: Hiding divorcee status

            Originally posted by RX-78-2
            It's sad that such a thing is even considered negative. I mean divorce is bad but no reason why you should be considered tainted.

            I'll say prayers for you sis.
            All you can say is, Divorce is disliked, we cannot say it is Bad. [B]Allah ta'ala has permitted it, and he does not permit anything Bad.[/B]

            :jkk:
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            "It does not befit the lion to answer the dogs."

            – Imam al-Shafi’i (Rahimahullah)

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            • #7
              Re: Hiding divorcee status

              she has disclosed it to guy and his parents but they want her to not tell extended family.
              Originally posted by Saif-Uddin View Post
              Ukthi you should disclose your Marital status, a Divorce is permissible/Halal you have nothing to be ashamed off,

              hiding it is a bad idea, if a Husband finds out later, it will only aid in creating doubts about you in his mind.

              We are commanded to Marry Muhsineen/Pious women, this means Virgins/Divorcees ...

              :jkk:

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              • #8
                Re: Hiding divorcee status

                Sorry , i did not put my point right, what I meant was , the boy and his parents know about my marital status since it came through a matrimonial website. What they want is to keep my marital status only till his and his parents and not disclosed it to their other relatives if the proposal materiases

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                • #9
                  Re: Hiding divorcee status

                  Nothing wrong with that. There's no need for the entire extended family to know every little detail. All they gonna do is make issues, .it seems
                  Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                  "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
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                  • #10
                    Re: Hiding divorcee status

                    Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                    Nothing wrong with that. There's no need for the entire extended family to know every little detail. All they gonna do is make issues, .it seems

                    Find out the reasoning behind why they wish to keep ur status a secret. If it is to stop issues as mirror said then I agree that there is no problem with that. But, if they themselves feel ashamed that their son is marrying/chose you, then that is wrong and i would have an issue with that.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Hiding divorcee status

                      Originally posted by muslimah2012 View Post
                      Alhmdulillah, I am a divorcee and received few proposal from unmarried men. BUT the big questions they ask my parents not to disclosed it to their relatives about my marital status. Why is this so? And why will an unmarried guy want to marry a divorcee plus say not to disclose my status. This making us think.
                      if hes not man enough to stand up for islam, in front of his relatives, then forget him and find someone who is. The prophet :saw: married divorcees if he:saw: had no issue with it, then neither should any other muslim.
                      "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                      The Prophet :saw: said:

                      "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                      muslim

                      Narrated 'Abdullah:

                      The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                      "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                      By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                      [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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                      • #12
                        Re: Hiding divorcee status

                        Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                        if hes not man enough to stand up for islam, in front of his relatives, then forget him and find someone who is. The prophet :saw: married divorcees if he:saw: had no issue with it, then neither should any other muslim.
                        It depends on the man's situation.
                        Generally speaking it is Sunnah for a man who has not married before to marry a virgin.

                        He is confused as to whether he should marry a virgin or a widow

                        I know a widow who has children, and I want to get married. I am wondering whether I should marry her or a virgin who has not been married before?

                        Praise be to Allaah.

                        This depends on the situation of the husband; it may be that marriage to a widow is more suitable for him, and better.

                        The widow may be a lady of religious commitment and good character, such that you would not want to let the opportunity to marry such a woman “slip through your fingers”, and you could not find a virgin of such religious commitment and character.

                        But generally speaking, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged marriage to virgins.

                        There is the story of Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him), whose father had died, leaving him with sisters. In his case it would not have been suitable for him to marry a virgin who was young like them. So he wanted to marry a woman who had been previously married, who could take care of them and look after them, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) approved of his decision.

                        It was narrated that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked me, ‘Have you got married?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘A virgin or a previously-married woman?’ I said, ‘A previously-married woman.’ He said, ‘Why not a young girl, whom you could play with and she could play with you?’ I said, ‘I have sisters and I wanted to marry a woman who could gather them together and comb their hair and take care of them.’ He said: ‘You will reach, so when you have arrived (at home), I advise you to associate with your wife (that you may have an intelligent son).’”

                        (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1991; Muslim, 715)

                        According to another report narrated by al-Bukhaari (2257), “… so she could teach them and discipline them.”

                        According to another report narrated by al-Bukhaari (2805) and Muslim (715): “He said: ‘The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me, when I asked his permission (to participate in jihaad), “Have you married a virgin or a previously-married woman?” I said, “A previously-married woman.” He said, “Why did you not marry a virgin whom you could play with and she could play with you?” I said, “O Messenger of Allaah, my father has died (or has become a shaheed/martyr), and I have young sisters, so I did not want to marry someone like them who could not discipline them or take care of them, so I married a previously-married woman who could take care of them and discipline them.”’”

                        It was narrated that Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “My father died, leaving seven – or nine – daughters, and I married a previously-married woman. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked, ‘Did you get married, O Jaabir?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘A virgin or a previously-married woman?’ I said, ‘A previously-married woman.’ He said, ‘Why not a young girl whom you could play with and she could play with you, and you could laugh with her and she could laugh with you?’ I told him that ‘Abd-Allaah had died and left behind daughters, and I did not want to bring to them someone like them. So I had married a woman who could take care of them and discipline them. He said, ‘May Allaah bless you,’ or similar kind words.”(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5052)

                        Shaykh Mustafa al-Ruhaybaani said:

                        “It is Sunnah for the one who wants to get married to marry a virgin, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Jaabir, ‘Why not a virgin whom you could play with and she could play with you?’ (agreed upon) – unless there is a reason for which marrying a previously-married woman is better, in which case he should choose such a woman over a virgin, in order to serve that interest.”(Mataalib Uli al-Nuha, 5/9, 10)

                        And Allaah knows best.
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                        • #13
                          Re: Hiding divorcee status

                          Like i said in islam there is nothing wrong with being divorced at all, marrying non virgins, is mentioned in sahih hadith, where virgin men married previously married, non virgins, and older women, and the prophet :saw: said to the sahabi who did that,may Allah bless you.

                          The prophet :saw: had never been married before when he married a 3 times previously married woman more than 15 years older than him, khadija radiAllahu anha, and all of his wives out of 11, but one, were non virgins, as all of them were previously married so masha Allah the reality is it makes no difference what so ever to a marriage.

                          fortunately the sucess of marriage does not hinge on ones virginity, as after the wedding night that is something gone forever.
                          Last edited by *asiya*; 30-01-12, 03:53 PM.
                          "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                          The Prophet :saw: said:

                          "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                          muslim

                          Narrated 'Abdullah:

                          The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                          "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                          By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                          [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

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                          • #14
                            Re: Hiding divorcee status

                            According to me the reason i beleive to be is , one of his sisters is also divorced, and they feel strongly about it , so i guess they are having a fear about the eldest daughter in law in their house if she happens to be unmarried (suchs as making remarks etc). maybe, next this also i wanted to ask now is, they follow tablighi jamat BUT the boy confessed that he smoked, yes smoked cos he also said that he will stop it, next issue is for official purpose he is forced to attend to pubs for client meetings etc. So all this is also making me think whether to consider this proposal.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Hiding divorcee status

                              No, no, no sister there's no official purpose to attend anything at a pub.

                              A man who can't leave a job that compels him to go to a pub, I'd have to really think about why he is doing that and not giving it up for Allah?

                              Is he even planning on giving that job up and looking elsewhere?

                              As for smoking, he WILL stop it? When? Why can't he stop today?
                              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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