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  • Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

    Question regarding Marriage -
    Last edited by peace4humanity; 20-11-13, 11:56 AM.

  • #2
    Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

    may Allah ta ala guide them amin, just keep calling them to islam and away from their cultural beliefs, its a well known cultural reaction to fein heart or health problems when some people dont get their way in regards to their kids marriages.

    my advice would be to stick to your decision because the best way to cure people of their cultural,and racial ills is to have people of other cultures/races marry into the family and presenting them with their mixed race grandchildren insha Allah will make them understand muslims are muslims no matter where they come from and insha Allah will open their hearts and minds, May Allah ta ala cure this ummah of such ills amin.

    Also explain that all the sahabbah were reverts to islam, they had non muslim parents, their kids were not affected by that, and rasoolAllah :saw: didnt care what people thought about the sahabbahs parents, he loved them anyway. Allah give u strength, amin, you will need to be strong for your wife to stand up for islam against such attitudes, but if you feel you will be taken in by emotional blackmail against islam and your wife, then dont do it.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet :saw: said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

      Originally posted by peace4humanity View Post
      AAWW,

      After very much consideration, istikhara and Mashwara from some scholars, I decided to confront my family on marrying a Muslim revert of 7 years who MashALLAH has dedicated her life for the sake of this beautiful deen. I come from the Asian sub continent background and although a British citizen and living my whole life in UK, my family hold on to many customs and cultural habit. Allhumdulilah my family are nice people but when it comes to growing a beard or marrying out of the cast system, these then become issues. Its been a few months since my family been have informed on my intention of marrying this sister and for the past 2 weeks as I have not changed my stance, my dad has decided that naturally he can't eat properly, sleep properly or even think properly. Its become so bad that he's had a major reaction where he was whaling when hearing how serious still I am about this marriage, he had to go hospital to check his heart as he started to get chest pain and keeps vomiting and he's health naturally is now deteriating. He's reasons against the marriage are due to that the community will say and as my wife to be has non Muslim parents. he sees this as a risk when having kids. e.g. if she took her kids to see her parents during Christmas holidays. which she wouldn't if I had a problem with it even though its a national holiday which I could go with her They believe the marriage won't last as in our cast it rarely does according to them, all though the examples they gave were love marriages. what do I do? Im scared my father/family will allow them selves too loose their health to a degree that May even be ...?
      Assalamu alaikum brother, I do not know how much of the reasons your father is feeling stressed is because of what other people may think or even a bit to do with having some kind of genuine concern. I think sometimes with the former especially it has a lot to do with not being accustomed to such marriages therefore such concern arises.

      I am not sure if this has been tried before or how well it can work or if it is at all feasible, but I would say maybe you could go with your father to maybe another father in your area where his son has had such a marriage. Preferably that person should be practising, that way you can try to show your father in a subtle way that its so bad as its made out and its not so abnormal and is also something he may be able to relate to. I say subtle because obviously you should not make out the reason for going is because of his attitude, he could take it the wrong way.

      If not then as mentioned above continue making dawah, may Allah guide their hearts to what is good for everyone

      May Allah guide us all to what is correct for this life and hereafter
      Worship Allah alone

      "....Verily, Allaah guides not those people who are the Zalimun."
      [EMQ 5:51]

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

        The whole heart attack and emotional blackmailing is not something new. Google it. It is a pretty common tactic of subcontinent parents. I would be less worried about the deen of your spouses' parents since its obvious that Muslim parents (ie your father in this case) doesn't respect Islam anymore than these people.

        Marry that woman and make her you rqueen.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

          ↑I wouldn't say he should take that risk. What if his father really does get sick and Allah forbid, something happens? I doubt he'll be able to get this out of his mind.

          OP, you should explain to your father how her being a revert can in no way harm you, or your future children. Maybe, if you can have her meet your mother so they both get to know each other, it might help.

          Really, you should sit down with him when he's in a calm mood, and gently tell him the reasons for your wishes and clear any misconceptions he has about this marriage.

          :insha: Pray and make Dua'a that Allah guides your parents and remove these thoughts from their minds.
          Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

          "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
          - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

            Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
            may Allah ta ala guide them amin, just keep calling them to islam and away from their cultural beliefs, its a well known cultural reaction to fein heart or health problems when some people dont get their way in regards to their kids marriages.

            my advice would be to stick to your decision because the best way to cure people of their cultural,and racial ills is to have people of other cultures/races marry into the family and presenting them with their mixed race grandchildren insha Allah will make them understand muslims are muslims no matter where they come from and insha Allah will open their hearts and minds, May Allah ta ala cure this ummah of such ills amin.

            Also explain that all the sahabbah were reverts to islam, they had non muslim parents, their kids were not affected by that, and rasoolAllah :saw: didnt care what people thought about the sahabbahs parents, he loved them anyway. Allah give u strength, amin, you will need to be strong for your wife to stand up for islam against such attitudes, but if you feel you will be taken in by emotional blackmail against islam and your wife, then dont do it.
            I agree with sis Asiya. If he's so upset by people talking about your wife having non-Muslim parents, please point out that Muhammad :saw: had non Muslim parents, and so did all the other sahabas, and re the issue of Christmas etc, that you're grown ups who can handle this issue all by yourselves. There are loads of reverts who have to deal with this, and we just find our ways of dealing with it without offending our families.

            I don't think his chest pains etc are caused by this. Sounds more likely that he had a pre-existing problem and the mild anxiety caused by his own bad attitude towards your marriage has just triggered symptoms. It sounds like angina, the cause of that is genetics and lifestyle, i.e. genetic predisposition plus not exercising plus eating too much salt, unhealthy fats etc. Anxiety (even mild anxiety) can trigger symptoms e.g. chest pain in these cases, but anxiety is *not* the cause. Genetics and lifestyle is the cause. So please don't blame yourself for his illness.

            Also see if you can give them examples of long lasting, happy marriages between born Muslims and reverts, if you know anyone in such a marriage have them meet your parents inshaAllah, maybe they can discuss their worries with them, e.g. how to handle Christmas, how it's not actually that difficult at all to make a cross cultural marriage work, etc. And don't let their worries put you off.
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            • #7
              Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

              more on how to make a cross cultural marriage work................. (just for general advice)............... it's actually the same rules as how to make *any* marriage work, and sometimes people from same culture marriages fail to do these things because they're lulled into a false sense of security by thinking that they won't face as many problems.

              1. mutual respect - love each other for who you are. this goes for any marriage

              2. communication - this can make or break a marriage and it's not about speaking the same language but really listening to what each of you has to say. people who speak the same dialect of the same language can still have serious issues actually listening to each other, because it's not about understanding the words, but understanding the emotions behind the words, and being able to work through a problem together. I don't speak the same dialect as my husband (I"m British and he's American) and although this has caused occasional short term issues of misunderstanding, because a word may have different connotations in each dialect, it's actuallly taught us to listen more carefully and appreciate that two people can mean something different by one word, and so focus on the message more than the words.

              3. learn about each others background, and enjoy the fact you have different backgrounds (even same culture people have a different background because no two families are alike!). Lots of people think that because me and my husband are both pale skinned reverts that we have an identical background... we don't have that at all. our families are very different, and that's a good thing. You're marrying a new and interesting person.

              4. have fun together

              5. deal with family issues together, in your situation it sounds like you'll have this on both sides, i.e. cultural attitudes on your side of the family and non-Muslim attitudes on the other side of the family. This will make things difficult at times, but no marriage is plain sailing and there are loads of other ways that families can cause problems, which is where the being lulled into a false sense of security comes into it. Families can throw all kinds of spanners into the works of a marriage, and the kinds of parents who would use emotional blackmail to stop their son marrying the sister of her choice seems like the kind of family to do that, so it's something that you'll have to deal with anyway.

              6. this should be number 1 - but follow Islam, as in the Qur'an and Sunnah. Many marital issues are solved when you just go to what Islam teaches. The rest you can work out because Islam teaches you to treat each other with respect and give each other the rights that Allah has commanded for you. Do that and pretty much everything else will sort itself out.

              7. EVERY marriage has problems, every couple has arguments, be mature and sensible enough to deal with them and move on, and don't beat yourself up about it. And argue respectfully. Shouting at each other is normal, screaming abuse at each other is rather more worrying. Also, deal with problems by talking, not by sulking.

              ^^^^^^^ as you can see, the majority of these things have nothing whatsoever to do with different cultures, and the rest, the different cultures will make things interesting. The bottom line with different cultures is respect. Just to give you an example, my co-wife is Algerian, so my husband asks her to cook Algerian food. He doesn't throw a tantrum and demand that she cooks American food exactly the way his mother used to make it. Of course the kind of man who would throw a tantrum because his wife's food isn't like his mothers, isn't going to be able to make a cross cultural marriage work, but he probably isn't going to be able to make a same cultural marriage work either, because his wife's cooking isn't going to be exactly like his mothers, because it *never is*. She's an individual that a husband should love for who she is, not a carbon copy of his mother.
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              • #8
                Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                If he was ready to listen to examples of Sahabas RA and the Prophet SAW, then this would never have been an issue in the first place.

                It's obvious they are cultural muslims. Even if these illnesses.are triggered, he does need to be careful and concerned. It's a. big risk.
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                  Originally posted by madara View Post
                  The whole heart attack and emotional blackmailing is not something new. Google it. It is a pretty common tactic of subcontinent parents. .
                  agreed

                  but this other reaction is rather less common

                  he was whaling when hearing how serious still I am about this marriage

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                    Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                    I agree with sis Asiya. If he's so upset by people talking about your wife having non-Muslim parents, please point out that Muhammad :saw: had non Muslim parents, and so did all the other sahabas, and re the issue of Christmas etc, that you're grown ups who can handle this issue all by yourselves. There are loads of reverts who have to deal with this, and we just find our ways of dealing with it without offending our families.

                    I don't think his chest pains etc are caused by this. Sounds more likely that he had a pre-existing problem and the mild anxiety caused by his own bad attitude towards your marriage has just triggered symptoms. It sounds like angina, the cause of that is genetics and lifestyle, i.e. genetic predisposition plus not exercising plus eating too much salt, unhealthy fats etc. Anxiety (even mild anxiety) can trigger symptoms e.g. chest pain in these cases, but anxiety is *not* the cause. Genetics and lifestyle is the cause. So please don't blame yourself for his illness.

                    Also see if you can give them examples of long lasting, happy marriages between born Muslims and reverts, if you know anyone in such a marriage have them meet your parents inshaAllah, maybe they can discuss their worries with them, e.g. how to handle Christmas, how it's not actually that difficult at all to make a cross cultural marriage work, etc. And don't let their worries put you off.
                    He cant point this out as Islam wasnt revealed until much after they had died so this wont work, inshaAllah Muhammad (saw) parents will indeed enter jannatul firdaus as they were in time of jahilliyah.

                    To the op, well depends, if you're family are suffering (even if they are in the wrong), then after istikhara take the decision based on what you think is right, we cant advise you to do go ahead cause if you're dad condition is related to this situation and it worsens auzibillah, we would feel guilty for this.
                    Allahumma Insur Al-Islam Wal-Muslimeen

                    Ahasiban naasu ay yutrakoo ay yaqooloo aamannaa wa hum laa yuftanoon. (Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction? Surah 29 (2)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                      If the revert Sister is strong in her faith and you feel is right for you then pacify your Parents by involving scholars to convince them to get out of their clanish narrowmindedness .

                      How sure are your Parents that someone from their tribe would be a good wife to you or respect them ?
                      Where there are no Ulemah(Scholars) there are many Muftis.

                      I
                      deal System of Living for All Mankind .

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                        Sa’d relates: "When my mother heard the news of my acceptance of Islam, she flew into a rage. She came up to me and said: "'O Sa'd ! What is this religion that you have embraced, which has taken you away from the religion of your mother and father? By God, either you forsake your new religion, or I would not eat or drink until I die. Your heart would be broken with grief for me, and remorse would consume you on account of the deed which you have done, and people would censure you forever more.' "‘Do not do (such a thing), my mother,' I said, 'for I would not give up my religion for anything.' "

                        However, she went on with her threat. For days, she neither ate nor drank and became emaciated and weak. Hour after hour, I went to her asking whether I should bring her some food or something to drink, but she persistently refused, insisting that she would neither eat nor drink until she died or I abandoned my religion. I said to her: "'Yaa Ummah! (O mother) In spite of my strong love for you, my love for Allaah and His Messenger is indeed stronger. By Allaah, if you had a thousand souls and one soul after another were to depart, I would not abandon my religion for anything.'

                        When she saw that I was determined she relented unwillingly and ate and drank."

                        Ibn al-Qayyim: He (Allaah) created the seven seas, but He loved a tear from you (out of fear of Him) but your eyes were tearless.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                          Ask your dad why he bows down to peer pressure, ask him if all your friends wanted you to drink and laughed at you for not drinking, or laughed at you for studying, would he want you to follow your community of friends and peers, or be a man and do what's right? So why is he more interested in the reaction of his community of peers then what is right?

                          Seriously how are you ever going to.expect your kids to resist the pressures in the west, when you yourselves show the examples of relenting to the pressure of the society you grew up in instead of standing up against it with confidence and conviction.

                          Recipes for all the family :inlove:
                          (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                            Sounds like typical emotional blackmail. Whaling and hospitalising yourself all because you don't want the community to talk is just over the top. But it's very very common usually in the asian community but not solely there.
                            Unfortunatly your parents are more conerned about what others will say and what they can gain out of a relationship with the girls parents. Reverts get this a lot. If the girl is how you describe her then I would defintly marry her, marrying for deen is the best one can do. She will only be of benefit to your imaan insh'Allah and possibly save your parents from their cultural nonsense insh'Allah. A man does not have to have the permission to marry, but its respectful to ask. So they cannot stop you from getting your nikah. Maybe explain to the girl that you need more time, and with this time show your parents how serious you really are about her. Giving all the examples of the sahabah. And if they still won't accept, then you just need to go and get married. They will come around eventually insh'Allah. And pray your istakrah.
                            And as for your title, your father is only depressed because of his own ignorance. And brother you have not ruined your family just because you want to marry a pious revert. Think of your akirah above all else. May Allah swt guide those who stray from the path of islam ameen.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Father Depressed/Family Ruined because of me

                              AAWW,

                              It has been a few months since I have posted and unfortunately things have not got any better.
                              I have remained very patient trying to bring this topic up every so often but in a manner where my parents would listen but it seemed each time they would sweep the matter under the carpet.

                              However last week I decided to confront them about it again and tell them how serious I was and if they were not going to accept, I would have to do it anyway.
                              Unfortunately my father again decided to take it to extremes and while I was out of the house, my mum informed me he had taken an overdose of paracetamols and locked himself in a room.
                              I had to rush home and by the time I had gotten there, my father was sleeping (InshALLAH I doubt he did what my mother informed me).
                              I again said things will not change but I care about you all and want this to work, so how do we go forward.

                              My father again over reacted by picking up the Quran in its case and said he would put himself under a bus if I was to fulfil my pursuit.
                              I tried reasoning with my family but things didnt get any easier - I was cursed at, told how selfish I was and how wrong I am.

                              Main reasons for this marriage not to take place are -

                              1. As she is white
                              2. In the future there will be problems (as seen many times before)
                              3. InshALLAH if we have Children, they will have problems in the community and getting married
                              4. Family members will loose respect for us

                              Comment

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