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Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

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    Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.


    Assalamualaikum all,

    I would be grateful for any advice that anyone may have in regards to my situation. Apologies for the rather long post in advance, any advice will be appreciated.

    I got married 7 years ago when I was 21, and my wife was 18. I’m British and born and bred here, while my wife was from the sub-continent (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh), I’d rather not say exactly where, and we are also related

    My relationship with my wife was pretty difficult. Although we did have some good times together, I had huge issues with my wife’s behaviour; she was generally very rude at times and extremely disrespectful to me. She was studying here, and is not from a village or anything but from a major city, and was studying even whilst in the UK.

    Her behaviour naturally provoked unsavoury reactions from me, and at times I would be verbally abusive, which is out of character for me. In the end, we couldn’t continue together, and after 15 months together she went back and we eventually divorced about 3 years ago.

    It has now been 6 years since we separated, and in this time neither of us spoke to each other up until about 6 months ago. It was me that initiated contact after hearing about her from some other family members.

    Neither of us remarried since separating nor has been in any kind of relationship. After speaking to one another for the last few months, we have managed to clarify a number of issues that we had at the time. She is now around 25, with me 3 years older.

    Whilst we have an amicable relationship at the moment, over the phone, and are considering the possibility of re-marrying in the next 7-8 months, I still have many doubts at times. Some aspects of her personality still concern me. If I bring them up, she usually listens and agrees to change any such habit, and says that it will be easier when we are together and she is here. I, however, doubt how easy this will be or whether this is actually possible. She is also open to the idea of re-marrying and says that she was young at the time and regrets a lot of what she did, and that this time it will not be the same.

    Our parents do not have a relationship even now, and do not talk to one another. Although they have agreed that they can keep any issues they have away from our relationship, I sometimes doubt the reality of this in the future (e.g. When we have kids, etc.), and if things do get said about each other’s parents then this may impact our relationship as this is what happened the first time round. My wife would get very upset about things said about her parents, and then we would have arguments between us because of this.

    In respect of religion, she is neither very practising nor very un-practising, it’s more of the sub-continent middle-class values, so a mixture of a number of values. Her family environment is not exactly to my liking, i.e. they way in which they interact with one another, and is something that concerns me. It's not an Un-Islamic environment as such, more to do with manners and behaviour when speaking with one another, etc.

    The other issues that concern me specifically are:

    Can someone actually change, even if they say they can, a number of their habits or their way of thinking?

    Is it sensible to consider re-marrying the same person after what happened the first time, especially since I see it more of a logical decision, that maybe we should have another go at it, rather than seeing at as one of an emotional connection. I don’t think there is any kind of real connection between us, with no real feeling of ‘love’ between us, as we can go days on end without speaking?

    Would it be easier for me just to marry someone from the UK, as opposed to someone from South Asia, bearing in mind all the other cultural issues, etc.?

    Will the parent issue still be a problem? Is it realistic and right to just think of a relationship between us two, as the remainder family will have little interaction and my family in the UK is not very big, and will this be healthy for a future family?

    Would the better thing to do be just to accept the fact that some things are just meant not to be and move on?

    Or, on the other hand, should this be considered a good idea and as we were each other’s first partners, and have not been in any other relationship since seperating, will be able to make it work between us.

    She does say that she is willing to adapt and change as necessary; maybe it’s just generally me being cautious and worrying. (We have sought clariifcation from Imams/scholars as to the validity of this in Islam, and it is acceptable, for anyone who may question this).


    Thanks, any advice would be appreciated, especially from sisters. JazakhAllah.

    #2
    Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

    Salaams

    I am sure that if you are to marry her then she had to have gotten married to someone else when you divorced and she divorced him for you to marry her again
    (Sorry if that sounds confusing)

    Maybe someone else can tell you it clearly insha'Allah

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

      no that's if you get divorced three times ^ (i am sure...)

      my sincere advice to you is to do istikaarah...
      http://www.deenulhuq.wordpress.com

      Don't depend on anyone too much in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness ~ibn taymiyyah

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

        :wswrwb:

        Brother, if you do want to go ahead with this, you have to do it the proper way. She is not your wife right now, so that makes her a non-mahram to you. You two cannot be talking in private, which I think is what you both are doing. This is wrong and impermissible. So, Insha'Allah stay away from that and ask forgiveness from Allah for what has happened (if it was in private).

        As for people changing, of course, people do change. What you need to do is to talk to her in a proper manner. That is, have intentions to get married (because if you don't have intentions to pursue marriage, then there's no reason for you both to be talking at all) and then find out how much she has changed by asking her relevant questions. This shouldn't be in private, obviously. A third person should be involved.

        It's impossible to say what will happen in the future. Only Allah knows that. So, please, pray istikhara and seek His help and guidance. Consult elders who you trust and can benefit from. :insha: You'll find more about her when you go through this in a halal manner and be able to decide whether or not she'll be a good fit for you. Basically, you can consider this as almost a new proposal, since you've been apart for so long and you both have changed as a person.

        Focus on those things that broke up your marriage before and see if those things have been changed for the better. Insha'Allah.

        May Allah guide you to what's best.
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

          Originally posted by Muslimbrother12 View Post
          Assalamualaikum all,

          I would be grateful for any advice that anyone may have in regards to my situation. Apologies for the rather long post in advance, any advice will be appreciated.

          I got married 7 years ago when I was 21, and my wife was 18. I’m British and born and bred here, while my wife was from the sub-continent (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh), I’d rather not say exactly where, and we are also related

          My relationship with my wife was pretty difficult. Although we did have some good times together, I had huge issues with my wife’s behaviour; she was generally very rude at times and extremely disrespectful to me. She was studying here, and is not from a village or anything but from a major city, and was studying even whilst in the UK.

          Her behaviour naturally provoked unsavoury reactions from me, and at times I would be verbally abusive, which is out of character for me. In the end, we couldn’t continue together, and after 15 months together she went back and we eventually divorced about 3 years ago.

          It has now been 6 years since we separated, and in this time neither of us spoke to each other up until about 6 months ago. It was me that initiated contact after hearing about her from some other family members.

          Neither of us remarried since separating nor has been in any kind of relationship. After speaking to one another for the last few months, we have managed to clarify a number of issues that we had at the time. She is now around 25, with me 3 years older.

          Whilst we have an amicable relationship at the moment, over the phone, and are considering the possibility of re-marrying in the next 7-8 months, I still have many doubts at times. Some aspects of her personality still concern me. If I bring them up, she usually listens and agrees to change any such habit, and says that it will be easier when we are together and she is here. I, however, doubt how easy this will be or whether this is actually possible. She is also open to the idea of re-marrying and says that she was young at the time and regrets a lot of what she did, and that this time it will not be the same.

          Our parents do not have a relationship even now, and do not talk to one another. Although they have agreed that they can keep any issues they have away from our relationship, I sometimes doubt the reality of this in the future (e.g. When we have kids, etc.), and if things do get said about each other’s parents then this may impact our relationship as this is what happened the first time round. My wife would get very upset about things said about her parents, and then we would have arguments between us because of this.

          In respect of religion, she is neither very practising nor very un-practising, it’s more of the sub-continent middle-class values, so a mixture of a number of values. Her family environment is not exactly to my liking, i.e. they way in which they interact with one another, and is something that concerns me. It's not an Un-Islamic environment as such, more to do with manners and behaviour when speaking with one another, etc.

          The other issues that concern me specifically are:

          Can someone actually change, even if they say they can, a number of their habits or their way of thinking?

          Is it sensible to consider re-marrying the same person after what happened the first time, especially since I see it more of a logical decision, that maybe we should have another go at it, rather than seeing at as one of an emotional connection. I don’t think there is any kind of real connection between us, with no real feeling of ‘love’ between us, as we can go days on end without speaking?

          Would it be easier for me just to marry someone from the UK, as opposed to someone from South Asia, bearing in mind all the other cultural issues, etc.?

          Will the parent issue still be a problem? Is it realistic and right to just think of a relationship between us two, as the remainder family will have little interaction and my family in the UK is not very big, and will this be healthy for a future family?

          Would the better thing to do be just to accept the fact that some things are just meant not to be and move on?

          Or, on the other hand, should this be considered a good idea and as we were each other’s first partners, and have not been in any other relationship since seperating, will be able to make it work between us.

          She does say that she is willing to adapt and change as necessary; maybe it’s just generally me being cautious and worrying. (We have sought clariifcation from Imams/scholars as to the validity of this in Islam, and it is acceptable, for anyone who may question this).


          Thanks, any advice would be appreciated, especially from sisters. JazakhAllah.
          wa alaykumus salaam,

          yes people can change and it is possible so way I see it, two ways of looking at this.

          1. You believe you have both changed enough and you have also (you are big on her faults but don't seem to mention your own too much) then worth having another go. After all you're both already 'damaged goods' in the eyes of the jahil members of the community so will most likely end up marrying a divorcee so why not try again with each other?

          2. You are not sure, or don't believe you have both changed enough in which case, a believer is not stung from the same hole twice and better to forget it.

          Either way, she is not married to you now, she is a ghair mahram women so you shouldn't be talking to her without the permission of her wali regarding marriage or talking on your own so best to make your decision yes or no and then either contact her wali or cut contact totally.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

            Originally posted by sis_on_sunnah View Post
            no that's if you get divorced three times ^ (i am sure...)

            my sincere advice to you is to do istikaarah...
            Did he not give her 3 talaq's?
            He did say his EX WIFE which mean they must have got divorced? And now wants to re-marry her?

            Its best if he speaks to his local imam at the Masjid, he should be able to advice him insha'Allah

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

              Allahu alam, if someone didnt change in 6 years what will be different this time, surely you should marry someone for who they are today, not who they might be tomorrow, because tommorow might never come.
              "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

              The Prophet :saw: said:

              "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

              muslim

              Narrated 'Abdullah:

              The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


              "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

              By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

              [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                Originally posted by Naz_Habib View Post
                Did he not give her 3 talaq's?
                He did say his EX WIFE which mean they must have got divorced? And now wants to re-marry her?

                Its best if he speaks to his local imam at the Masjid, he should be able to advice him insha'Allah
                That's only 1 divorce, though.
                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                  Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                  That's only 1 divorce, though.
                  I am a bit confused

                  You mean he has to be divorced to 3 women or do you mean what the man actually says it himself, talaq once?
                  I will do abit of research on this topic insha'Allah

                  Please ignore my advice

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                    Originally posted by Naz_Habib View Post
                    I am a bit confused

                    You mean he has to be divorced to 3 women or do you mean what the man actually says it himself, talaq once?
                    I will do abit of research on this topic insha'Allah

                    Please ignore my advice
                    if a man says talaq one time, two times or three times in the same day, it only counts as issuing one divorce to his wife.
                    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                    The Prophet :saw: said:

                    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                    muslim

                    Narrated 'Abdullah:

                    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                      Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                      if a man says talaq one time, two times or three times in the same day, it only counts as issuing one divorce to his wife.
                      There's a difference of opinion regarding the issue of 3 divorce.

                      The other view is that if a man says to his wife, "I divorce you three times." She is divorced three times and they cannot get back together. It does count as 3 divorces.

                      Wallahu Alam.


                      Originally posted by Naz_Habib View Post
                      I am a bit confused

                      You mean he has to be divorced to 3 women or do you mean what the man actually says it himself, talaq once?
                      I will do abit of research on this topic insha'Allah

                      Please ignore my advice
                      If he says "I divorce you" only once. Then, yes, the divorce is in effect, but he can take her back before her iddah is over.

                      If he says, "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you," that counts as three divorces.

                      That's the other view (from the one Asiya mentioned).
                      Last edited by .mirror.; 24-12-11, 10:31 PM.
                      Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                      "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                      - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                        Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                        There's a difference of opinion regarding the issue of 3 divorce.

                        The other view is that if a man says to his wife, "I divorce you three times." She is divorced three times and they cannot get back together. It does count as 3 divorces.

                        Wallahu Alam.




                        If he says "I divorce you" only once. Then, yes, the divorce is in effect, but he can take her back before her iddah is over.

                        If he says, "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you," that counts as three divorces.

                        That's the other view (from the one Asiya mentioned).
                        if u beleive that then why did u say its only one before :scratch:

                        Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                        That's only 1 divorce, though.
                        anyway the opinion i gave is from umar ibn al khattab who said " we used to count three divorces as one" ( meaning three issued at once)
                        "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

                        The Prophet :saw: said:

                        "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

                        muslim

                        Narrated 'Abdullah:

                        The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


                        "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

                        By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

                        [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                          :wswrwb:

                          I can somewhat relate to your situation. I was married young. It ended in divorce. We have been divorced for 3 years or so now. I have been meeting with proposals and have had engagements during that time. It was always in the back of my mind that it might be best and easiest just to remarry my ex-husband. I guess it was the thought of knowing the person already, knowing what to expect, and not needing to take a chance with someone unknown that made me consider it. He was always pursing remarriage with me as well, which made it even harder to decide. I gave it time. I spoke with him about past issues that were major causes of our divorce. I felt that I had changed a lot, and people do change as they age and oftentimes it's for the best. What I felt was that he had not changed his behavior enough to make me reconsider. It just wasn't worth it to me to go through it all again. I figured we finished it for a reason, so let it stay in the past. In the end, I had to change my phone number and completely disconnect from him, as he would not leave me alone. Hmmm, I guess that was a sign :scratch:? (It's exactly what I said on that "weird situation" thread in the marriage section :rofl1:, but we're on good terms [errr, strange situation lol])

                          As another sister said, do istikharah. Make sure that your interactions are done properly. Really take the time to think about what the core issues were in the marriage and see if they have been resolved or can be resolved. About the families and how they will cope, I really don't have any advice. People can change. Give it time and do it properly, and see how it unfolds.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                            Originally posted by *asiya* View Post
                            if u beleive that then why did u say its only one before :scratch:

                            anyway the opinion i gave is from umar ibn al khattab who said " we used to count three divorces as one" ( meaning three issued at once)
                            That' because the OP never mentioned he divorced the sister thrice. It only says divorced.

                            The Issue of Three Divorces

                            Take a look at that link, sis. It has verse from the Quran and hadith that support that view. It's a matter of diff. interpretation.
                            Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                            "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                            - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Remarrying ex-wife again after divorce six (6) years ago - Advice.

                              Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                              That' because the OP never mentioned he divorced the sister thrice. It only says divorced.

                              The Issue of Three Divorces

                              Take a look at that link, sis. It has verse from the Quran and hadith that support that view. It's a matter of diff. interpretation.
                              I think the initial confusion could be due to the quite common misconception that if a man gives one divorce to his wife, the iddah ends then some jahil people say they cannot remarry unless she marries someone else first, same as if three divorces.

                              its weird but i've come across this before quite often, especially amongst indo-pakistanis.

                              Comment

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