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  • I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

    So I liked this guy for a year, and he liked me back. You could say we were 'together' but I justified our relationship by saying that we weren't doing anything physical, we merely just hung out and had a good time. Besides, his family knew about me. And I told my mom I was interested in someone (although I didn't tell her we hung out alone and stuff, because otherwise she'd kill me). So, we planned to marry after 2 years, and everything was going fine. I thought he was a really nice guy because he didn't force or suggest anything physical in our relationship (not even holding hands), considering the fact that most guys would not remain in a relationship without physical contact.

    However, unfortunately, satan got the best of us and we ended up making out last time we hung out. I feel extremely guilty at this point, and cannot stop thinking about what I did. (we didn't have sex, but we kissed and touched) I talked to him about this and asked him if he also felt guilty, and he said 'no, we were together for a year, and we made out because we love each other, it wasn't a random hook up'. But no matter how I try to rationalize the situation the guilt is killing me, and due to what happened I don't feel like pursuing any sort of relationship with this man anymore..even though he DID prove to be a good guy by not forcing or suggesting any physical activity for a year, and I'm also at blame for not stopping him from trying to makeout with me. I don't know what to do, I cannot look my parents in the eye anymore, and I feel like if I DO marry this man, he will just be a reminder of the mistake I made. I've talked to my friends about how I feel and everyone keeps telling me 'what i did was natural, and kissing isn't a big deal'..But I still feel restless.. I'm 20 years old, and he's 21. I don't know what to do at this point... I do pray 5 times a day..but feel to ashamed to ask for forgiveness.

  • #2
    Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

    Originally posted by Bee5 View Post
    So I liked this guy for a year, and he liked me back. You could say we were 'together' but I justified our relationship by saying that we weren't doing anything physical, we merely just hung out and had a good time. Besides, his family knew about me. And I told my mom I was interested in someone (although I didn't tell her we hung out alone and stuff, because otherwise she'd kill me). So, we planned to marry after 2 years, and everything was going fine. I thought he was a really nice guy because he didn't force or suggest anything physical in our relationship (not even holding hands), considering the fact that most guys would not remain in a relationship without physical contact.

    However, unfortunately, satan got the best of us and we ended up making out last time we hung out. I feel extremely guilty at this point, and cannot stop thinking about what I did. (we didn't have sex, but we kissed and touched) I talked to him about this and asked him if he also felt guilty, and he said 'no, we were together for a year, and we made out because we love each other, it wasn't a random hook up'. But no matter how I try to rationalize the situation the guilt is killing me, and due to what happened I don't feel like pursuing any sort of relationship with this man anymore..even though he DID prove to be a good guy by not forcing or suggesting any physical activity for a year, and I'm also at blame for not stopping him from trying to makeout with me. I don't know what to do, I cannot look my parents in the eye anymore, and I feel like if I DO marry this man, he will just be a reminder of the mistake I made. I've talked to my friends about how I feel and everyone keeps telling me 'what i did was natural, and kissing isn't a big deal'..But I still feel restless.. I'm 20 years old, and he's 21. I don't know what to do at this point... I do pray 5 times a day..but feel to ashamed to ask for forgiveness.
    You need new friends based on the text I highlighted.

    Personally, I don't think you should consider marrying this guy based on him thinking that what you did was perfectly fine.

    However, alhumdulillah, that you feel guilt for this huge mistake. Insha'allah if you repent to allah, allah is the most merciful.

    Also, please remember, when 2 people are alone, there is always a third, the shaitan.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

      First, do tawbah (sincere repentance) for what you did, and move on from it mentally (if Allah's forgiven you you should also forgive yourself, but be resolute in never doing it again). He should do the same. If he doesn't, and doesn't see this as a serious matter, then don't marry him, because it's evidence that he doesn't care about the deen.... if he doesn't care about that, then what's to stop him doing other wrong things after you marry, e.g. flirting with people, porn, hitting you, etc? A man who is sincere in the deen will fear Allah and stay away from wrongdoing - and this is something that will protect you. If he thinks the whole thing is not important, then DON'T marry him. RED FLAG RED FLAG!

      If he feels as you do, and does tawbah and takes it all seriously and is otherwise a good practicing Muslim, then marry him ASAP so your relationship is halal. IMO what you did wrong was that you decided you loved him and wanted to marry him..... then didn't. You carried on a haram relationship instead and it's no surprise that the shaytaan led you to do more than that. The whole relationship thing was wrong from the beginning. If you and he both care about being good Muslims and fear Allah, then both of you do tawbah and then get married so you move on in the halal way.

      Understand that Islam requires people to get married quickly to avoid these situations, your wali helps you to find someone suitable, you meet (with the wali or another male relative who can make sure the suitor doesn't try anything inappropriate) you get to know each other well enough to decide if you're compatible to marry, then you get married right away. Long "engagements" are nothing but a temptation to fall into sin.

      Whether you get married to him or not (which will depend on his attitude to what happened as I explained) you do need to do tawbah, inshaAllah there's info on how to do tawbah properly the Islamic way elsewhere on the forum. If you don't get married to him, then break contact with him *completely*. Wipe all his contact details from your phone, computer, anywhere else. If he tries to contact you, get a male member of your family to tell him politely but firmly that you don't want him to contact you. Also block him from your email, phone etc so he can't just contact you. Don't tell him yourself, because women tend to be too kind in situations like this and that gives men mixed messages. Get a male family member to do that for you inshaAllah.
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      Comment


      • #4
        Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

        Originally posted by Bee5 View Post
        ...but feel to ashamed to ask for forgiveness.
        This is shaitan sis. He doesn't want you to recieve the forgiveness that Allah swt would be all too willing to give. Ask for forgiveness sis and take some time away from this guy and your friends. Re-focus on your faith. You need to think about what kind of life you want; one where haram things are 'okay' or one where your friends and husband help you stay on the straight path?
        "Do not let your hatred of a people incite you to aggression." Qur'an 5:2

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

          Originally posted by Juvegirl View Post
          This is shaitan sis. He doesn't want you to recieve the forgiveness that Allah swt would be all too willing to give. Ask for forgiveness sis and take some time away from this guy and your friends. Re-focus on your faith. You need to think about what kind of life you want; one where haram things are 'okay' or one where your friends and husband help you stay on the straight path?
          salaams to all

          agree

          make taubah
          find new friends
          and think seriously about this guy if he thinks what you did was not wrong

          im sure you can figure out what to do next
          you seem to know whats right & wrong

          and Allah ta'ala knows best
          jazakallah
          Sufyaan Thawri "Whoever is very popular with his relations and neighbours, we suspect him to be compromising in preaching the true teachings of religion."
          very good site for English bayaans in MP3 format-check it out- u wont be disappointed: http://www.musjidnoor.za.net/index.html & http://alhaadi.org.za/majlis-program...downloads.html

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

            :start:
            فَفِرُّوا إِلَى اللَّهِ

            So flee to Allah.

            (Surah Dhariyat: 50)
            "And thus have We willed you to be a community of the middle way."
            (al-Baqarah: 143)

            Allahumma innaa na'udhu bika min an nushrika bika shai-an na'lamuh; wa nastaghfiruka limaa laa na'lam.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

              No reason to not ask for forgiveness. Its precisely for these reasons you should ask for forgiveness. And Allah is the Most Forgiving so you should not worry about your acceptance.

              But, whats more troubling is that you and your "friend" don't see eye-to-eye regarding this matter. This means that you are not on the same page when it comes to morals and are not compatible. Marrying him, unless he becomes more religious or you become less religous will result in an incongruity that will be impossible to overcome.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                You both made this mistake (though he hasn't realised it). Do you think that you would be better off marrying someone else after this?
                I think you both should get married very quickly so tempatation doesn't strike again.
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                [CENTER]"No tiredness, illness, difficulty, sorrow, harm or sadness afflicts a Muslim, even to a thorn pricking him, without Allah wiping away his errors through it." [Recorded by Bukhari and Muslim, from Abu Sa'id and Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with them)] [/CENTER]
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                • #9
                  Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                  Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                  First, do tawbah (sincere repentance) for what you did, and move on from it mentally (if Allah's forgiven you you should also forgive yourself, but be resolute in never doing it again). He should do the same. If he doesn't, and doesn't see this as a serious matter, then don't marry him, because it's evidence that he doesn't care about the deen.... if he doesn't care about that, then what's to stop him doing other wrong things after you marry, e.g. flirting with people, porn, hitting you, etc? A man who is sincere in the deen will fear Allah and stay away from wrongdoing - and this is something that will protect you. If he thinks the whole thing is not important, then DON'T marry him. RED FLAG RED FLAG!

                  If he feels as you do, and does tawbah and takes it all seriously and is otherwise a good practicing Muslim, then marry him ASAP so your relationship is halal. IMO what you did wrong was that you decided you loved him and wanted to marry him..... then didn't. You carried on a haram relationship instead and it's no surprise that the shaytaan led you to do more than that. The whole relationship thing was wrong from the beginning. If you and he both care about being good Muslims and fear Allah, then both of you do tawbah and then get married so you move on in the halal way.

                  Understand that Islam requires people to get married quickly to avoid these situations, your wali helps you to find someone suitable, you meet (with the wali or another male relative who can make sure the suitor doesn't try anything inappropriate) you get to know each other well enough to decide if you're compatible to marry, then you get married right away. Long "engagements" are nothing but a temptation to fall into sin.

                  Whether you get married to him or not (which will depend on his attitude to what happened as I explained) you do need to do tawbah, inshaAllah there's info on how to do tawbah properly the Islamic way elsewhere on the forum. If you don't get married to him, then break contact with him *completely*. Wipe all his contact details from your phone, computer, anywhere else. If he tries to contact you, get a male member of your family to tell him politely but firmly that you don't want him to contact you. Also block him from your email, phone etc so he can't just contact you. Don't tell him yourself, because women tend to be too kind in situations like this and that gives men mixed messages. Get a male family member to do that for you inshaAllah.
                  This is the best action. :up:

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                    Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate all the help.

                    What's troubling me now is whether I should continue to pursue this man for marriage (in a halal manner) or not. I feel like if I do marry him, one day he will remind me of this incident which may cause problems for us. Also, I don't know how I can request my parents to allow me to marry a guy who I've already been physical with. I agree I'm at fault as well, and I have no right to expect to marry a 'clean' man.

                    However, I feel like if I do NOT marry him, and marry someone else, and if the other man ever found out about my past he would leave me or something..

                    So what should you do in this situation? Marry the same man, or someone else? To be honest, I don't feel the same way about this guy anymore anyways... Even though he did say we wouldn't do anything as such anymore if I wasn't comfortable.. But it already happened, so our relationship isn't 'pure' anymore.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                      It seems like your feelings for this man have already changed, which works in your favor! You already have a head-start on your way out of this relationship.

                      The safest course of action at this moment is ending the relationship. My sister: it's hard to force barakah out of something that wasn't built on a sound base in the first place. Right now, it's important that you repent for your mistakes and leave them in the past. Your sins are between yourself and Allah--don't let them interfere with what you think of a future relationship either. Make sure that your partner understands your feelings about what happened and explain why you're ending the relationship. Be careful to do it in a manner that won't trigger him to do something careless. Show him that you have haya, modesty, and you're only trying to preserve it in addition to your relationship with your deen.

                      I really feel that (at this moment) the issue isn't "Marry the same man, or someone else?" You're at the prime of young age--there's so much that you can immerse yourself in (marriage aside!). Try visiting a halaqa at your local mosque and/or memorize Quran in your free time. Pick up a class in something you've always been interested in learning (sewing? cooking? foreign language?). In addition to widening your skill set and adding barakah to your time, it'll give Shaytan less of a chance to coax you back into contact with this man. Give yourself some time to grow and move past this before you begin to plan a marriage.
                      (And if that's not what you meant by that question, you've got my advice anyway!)

                      I wish you the best!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                        Originally posted by Bee5 View Post
                        Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate all the help.

                        What's troubling me now is whether I should continue to pursue this man for marriage (in a halal manner) or not. I feel like if I do marry him, one day he will remind me of this incident which may cause problems for us. Also, I don't know how I can request my parents to allow me to marry a guy who I've already been physical with. I agree I'm at fault as well, and I have no right to expect to marry a 'clean' man.
                        Sister, you should give him another chance to realize what he did was wrong, without you telling him "otherwise I can't marry you". Make sure he honestly feels that way. Is he as religious or practicing as you are, generally speaking? If he isn't then its gonna be a juggling act for you both in a marriage. Compatibility is paramount.

                        If he does turn to the straight path, I don't see why he should bring your tryst up, and even if he does its water under the bridge at that point. I mean you're already married. As far as your parents go, you don't have to tell them you were physical with him. Don't lie, but you don't have to give that information up. You are feeling bad, repent, and then feel good that you have the decency to feel bad.

                        However, I feel like if I do NOT marry him, and marry someone else, and if the other man ever found out about my past he would leave me or something..
                        Which is why I'm of the opinion that such things need to be discussed prior to marriage. Most of the posters here feel that no matter what, you should not be expected to reveal past sins to a prospective spouse. I disagree. I think things should be discussed. I'm sure there are men who have had their fair share of make out sessions, so only a hypocrite would look down at you.

                        So what should you do in this situation? Marry the same man, or someone else? To be honest, I don't feel the same way about this guy anymore anyways... Even though he did say we wouldn't do anything as such anymore if I wasn't comfortable.. But it already happened, so our relationship isn't 'pure' anymore.
                        If your heart says to give him another chance, then do that. But make sure he has a real change of heart. If you feel like going elsewhere do that. There is no pressure, no rules. You feel bad, and that means that you are still pure. Be proud and happy that Allah has blessed you to be one of the decent.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                          You should cut of all contact with the guy, it was a haram relationship in the first place and to be honest the guy seems sly (i may be wrong), and if your friends are telling you its natural etc maybe you need to look at that too because friends have a lot of influence over you. I am 21 and was in a similar position (see my previous threads), trust me you will feel so much better ending it for the sake of Allah. My personal opinion is that that you should only consider him if he changes himself for the better and contacts your wali, that is the correct route and it will show that he is serious.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: I feel extremely guilty for what I did ?

                            Asa wr wb Bee5,

                            Few points to consider my sister.

                            You feel guilty about what you did alhmdl, does he? He should. If he doesn't, then if you continue to hang out, he'll expect more intimacy. DO NOT fall into that trap. Islam goes out of the window when a male is in close contact with a female.

                            If he does feel guilty, alhmdl that's good, because we all do make mistakes, but this should be the end of what is quite clearly an un-Islamic relationship.

                            Have you known him all this time for marriage or just for "hanging out with"? If for hanging out with, step away and do the Islamic thing of no more free-mixing.

                            If you have known this person for serious marriage intentions, then you should consider formalising your relationship, at least with a nikah contract. However this is only if you really want to marry this person for who he is, for how he will treat you as a wife, and for how he will raise future children and most importantly if you see yourself living a happy Islamic life with him.

                            What you should not do, is to think you must marry someone just because you were intimate with that person on one occasion. Totally wrong basis for marriage and probably a disaster in waiting. As others have pointed out, everyone makes mistakes. Main thing is not to repeat the mistake.

                            Regarding marrying someone else and worrying about him finding out, find someone who wouldn't go nuts and ask for a divorce if he found out you "knew" someone before marriage.

                            I pray everything works out for you inshA. May Allah SWT forgive and guide all of us who have made mistakes and have regrets.

                            Ws wr wb.

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