Ads by Muslim Ad Network

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Worried about coping with marriage

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Worried about coping with marriage

    xx
    Last edited by SisterA; 09-06-12, 09:09 AM.

  • #2
    Re: Worried about coping with marriage

    As salaamualeikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

    Sis, you're not alone in this.

    To my understanding, which may be flawed, it seems that you're not as concerned with talking to strangers. I'm like that too. One reason is because even if I say something stupid, well, I'll never see them again, so no biggie. But people I will see day in and day out? That's a different story.

    My family was the time to tease you about something for.ever. So it's easy to see where I got this from. Was it the same for you?

    I eventually learned to have more confidence in myself, and that allowed me to make mistakes and go on with life. You still get embarrassed, but it's not the end of the world :) At least, it isn't anymore.

    I suggest you try to get involved in public speaking. Maybe teaching some younger sisters Quran or something that you know that could benefit them inshallah. It will inshallah help build your confidence.

    As for marriage - don't worry sis. Allah swt will surely pair you off with someone who will be kind and understanding. Of course the beginning is awkward, but as time goes on, you grow closer.

    Make dua, and take the bull by the proverbial horns and get involved. It might feel scary at first, but inshallah over time you'll have people fooled just like I do: people can't believe that I'm shy and have a hard time to talk to people. But I don't let it control me. It can be done!

    Take care, ma'salaama
    "Do not let your hatred of a people incite you to aggression." Qur'an 5:2

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Worried about coping with marriage

      Originally posted by Juvegirl View Post
      As salaamualeikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

      Sis, you're not alone in this.

      ......

      Take care, ma'salaama
      Jazakallah that helped.
      You're right- you don't have to worry about saying the wrong things as much when talking to strangers. My family doesn't tease a lot but they're quick to criticize. My mom's got a pretty hot temper.. but it goes away just as fast as it comes. My mom and dad are opposites in that case. I'm more like my dad- quieter, gentler. There's too much politeness in my relationship with my parents and I wish we were closer. And I wish I had some of my mom's social skills. She can talk to anyone for hours! I will never understand how. Guess it's a skill I'll have to pick up. :)

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Worried about coping with marriage

        :wswrwb:

        To talk to someone you need something to talk about. And, the best thing to talk about is talk about the deen.

        So, learn and gain knowledge about the deen and you'll have endless things to talk about. :insha: Choose a husband who is pious and willing to learn and share his knowledge of the deen with you.

        Though, i'm not married, I'm sure husband and wife get used to each other's personality over time. I don't think you need to stress over that. When the time comes you'll naturally become talkative enough to be able to converse with your husband.

        Like the sister said, try befriending more sisters who are pious and talk to them on a regular basis. You'll learn a lot from them at the same time improve your people skills.

        Also, excessive talk isn't a good thing. So, talk only when necessary. That's the best! :up:

        May Allah Swt: make it easy for you.
        Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

        "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
        - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Worried about coping with marriage

          W Salaam,

          You're def not alone in this and this is a rare thing to find in todays society, a word called haya/modesty is lost in most. My sincere advice first and foremost is to avoid the opposite sex altogether in college, you will get some "player" trying to talk to you and shaytaan will whisper in you're ear saying its ok to talk etc and you may incline, but make sure you remind modest and to you're self.

          As for family, then sometimes i feel like that cause i feel like i may say something dumb or something silly like that, especially with siblings who are educated mashaAllah, but yea i dont care so i just ignore it most of the time.

          Although i am not married, im sure again at first it would be butterflies and being nervous as you're not used to this, this feeling is given to you by Allah (swt) for remaining pure and modest, this would be a good feeling, so dont worry. Find a pious spouse inshaAllah and you both would be able to relate, practicing people are generally more quiet anyway compared to others (from my experiences) so he would be understanding, and who knows, he may love you more for it.

          Seek good knowledge, learn the deen, make dua and you'l be fine inshaAllah.
          Allahumma Insur Al-Islam Wal-Muslimeen

          Ahasiban naasu ay yutrakoo ay yaqooloo aamannaa wa hum laa yuftanoon. (Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction? Surah 29 (2)

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Worried about coping with marriage

            .mirror. and Ibadah, Jazakallah for the responses.
            I should probably worry about it when the time comes, and just focus on studying and acquiring knowledge at the moment.
            Last edited by SisterA; 09-06-12, 09:10 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Worried about coping with marriage

              Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you know that your cousin will be able to treat you as a Muslim wife should be treated. Make sure he knows his responsibilities as a husband. Start gaining knowledge on this from now :insha:

              Even if you were living in the same country, you'd still have to move in with him and start your life together with him. So, it's not a big difference. Most of your time will be spend with him from after marriage. That's just a part of marriage. And, it's not something to be worried about, sis. Be happy and pray to Allah that He blesses you with someone righteous who'll take care of you even better than your own parents.
              Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

              "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
              - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                I live in Canada and it's not so bad :) (I know you weren't saying it was, just teasing!)

                Depending on where you are when you come here, you may find yourself living with so many Pakistanis, you may feel like you never left home! There are a lot of Muslims here in the Toronto area, and you can get involved at the masjid easily inshallah.

                If the man in question is your cousin, it is likely that he knows you're quiet. If he hasn't objected to the match, that would give the impression that he is satisfied with this trait in you. Ergo: don't stress. You'll have a lot to talk about, life back in Pakistan, life in Canada, family and most importantly, Islam. So you won't have to search for something to say inshallah.

                Use this time between now and your nikkah to learn the rights and duties of a wife/husband inshallah, as this will benefit you in the near future. Congratulations on your engagement, and perhaps we'll see you around!
                "Do not let your hatred of a people incite you to aggression." Qur'an 5:2

                Comment


                • #9
                  There's a lot of desis in Canada you won't feel alone :)
                  Screaming, But Will Never Be Heard

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                    Originally posted by Juvegirl View Post
                    I live in Canada and it's not so bad :) (I know you weren't saying it was, just teasing!)

                    Depending on where you are when you come here, you may find yourself living with so many Pakistanis, you may feel like you never left home! There are a lot of Muslims here in the Toronto area, and you can get involved at the masjid easily inshallah.

                    If the man in question is your cousin, it is likely that he knows you're quiet. If he hasn't objected to the match, that would give the impression that he is satisfied with this trait in you. Ergo: don't stress. You'll have a lot to talk about, life back in Pakistan, life in Canada, family and most importantly, Islam. So you won't have to search for something to say inshallah.

                    Use this time between now and your nikkah to learn the rights and duties of a wife/husband inshallah, as this will benefit you in the near future. Congratulations on your engagement, and perhaps we'll see you around!
                    Haha you made everything sound so much better, I feel petty coming up with this thread. JazakAllah for minimizing my doubts, sister. :)

                    JazakAllah .mirror. and GuCci as well!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                      Originally posted by SisterA View Post
                      :) Asa, I'm new here (just got registered actually so bare with me) and I'm really worried about my future and how I'll cope with getting married.
                      This may seem silly but I'm honestly not trolling. I'll tell you a bit more about myself. I am 18 years old. I've gotten my education from girls only schools. When I start college InshaAllah though, that will not be segregated. I'm generally shy around the opposite sex- even the same sex at times- and I don't have good social skills. I'm not a complete introvert but I could definitely use a confidence booster. I can make small talk with far off relatives and random people I meet (that too, for a short period) but with close family members, I get tongue tied.. which is very strange. I don't know what to talk about after a while. Shouldn't it be the opposite though? People normally talk for longer periods with people they're close with. I build walls around me and find it hard to let people in. I'm not good with showing emotions and even though I care a lot for some people, I don't/can't show it. I do have some good friends which I've had since ages and I care for them a lot. I don't usually have a problem with making new friends... the problem arises when it comes to getting close to them. I just can't seem to do it.
                      For these reasons, I'm really worried about getting married. I don't know how I'll be able to build a good relationship with my husband. I'm just so awkward.. and boring too I think. I worry he'll get bored of me and there will be a lot of awkward silences. Also, I don't think I'll be any good at the meet and greets with the husband's family and relatives that begin soon after the wedding. I'm sorry I'm laying out all my insecurities here but I'm feeling pretty anxious.
                      Any advice will be appreciated.
                      Also, if I may ask, the ones who're married, how were the initial days of your marriage? how did you become close to your spouse? how long did it take to break down the walls?
                      I am a brother version of this! but ALHAMDOLILLAH i can fight off anything... ALLAHU MUSTA'AN.
                      like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.
                      [Al-Hadid, 20]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                        Originally posted by Humble Warrior View Post
                        I am a brother version of this! but ALHAMDOLILLAH i can fight off anything... ALLAHU MUSTA'AN.
                        Do you ever face problems or feel awkward because of this?
                        I'm learning to get out of my comfort zone and engage in conversation with more people now alhumdulilah even though it's not easy for me, but inshaAllah I'll get better at it with time.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                          Originally posted by SisterA View Post
                          Do you ever face problems or feel awkward because of this?
                          I'm learning to get out of my comfort zone and engage in conversation with more people now alhumdulilah even though it's not easy for me, but inshaAllah I'll get better at it with time.
                          i used to be a very sensitive person. i wanted everything to be perfect in life. wanted to make everyone happy. was very shy and naive but now that i am all grown up i feel like i can control everything for example i used to be a very angry person but now i feel stupid if i get angry easily, i have started considering anger as my weakness and i am all good now ALHAMDOLILLAH. used to feel awkward but i have learned one thing, the problem is not others but me, i am my problem and i can fix myself its not much of a big deal i can control myself.

                          and as far as my social life and interaction with other people is concerned i am a reserved kind of person and i dont find it awkward if someone says i am not very social, and if you ask me every sister should be a non social, quiet type. i dont know i just expect every sister to be shy, not social type or talkative kind of person. it is perfectly fine for the sisters so dont sweat it.
                          like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion.
                          [Al-Hadid, 20]

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                            Originally posted by Humble Warrior View Post
                            i used to be a very sensitive person. i wanted everything to be perfect in life. wanted to make everyone happy. was very shy and naive but now that i am all grown up i feel like i can control everything for example i used to be a very angry person but now i feel stupid if i get angry easily, i have started considering anger as my weakness and i am all good now ALHAMDOLILLAH. used to feel awkward but i have learned one thing, the problem is not others but me, i am my problem and i can fix myself its not much of a big deal i can control myself.

                            and as far as my social life and interaction with other people is concerned i am a reserved kind of person and i dont find it awkward if someone says i am not very social, and if you ask me every sister should be a non social, quiet type. i dont know i just expect every sister to be shy, not social type or talkative kind of person. it is perfectly fine for the sisters so dont sweat it.
                            Thank you for your response. That kind of describes me as well. I used to be sensitive too, couldn't take criticism well and molded myself to meet everybody's expectations, but I've realised I shouldn't have to change myself for anyone. Changing for the better is always good, of course and it's something everybody should strive to do, but changing just to meet people's expectations is not right. People tell me I'm too 'nice' and need to speak up/stand up for myself more but I don't think that's true- I don't let people walk all over me and I do speak up when I feel I need to but otherwise I don't really care.

                            I don't really want to turn into a chatterbox but learning to be a good conversationalist is something I've always wanted. I guess I'm a better listener than a talker, but I don't want to turn into a boring person.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Worried about coping with marriage

                              Originally posted by Humble Warrior View Post
                              i used to be a very sensitive person. i wanted everything to be perfect in life. wanted to make everyone happy. was very shy and naive but now that i am all grown up i feel like i can control everything for example i used to be a very angry person but now i feel stupid if i get angry easily, i have started considering anger as my weakness and i am all good now ALHAMDOLILLAH. used to feel awkward but i have learned one thing, the problem is not others but me, i am my problem and i can fix myself its not much of a big deal i can control myself.

                              and as far as my social life and interaction with other people is concerned i am a reserved kind of person and i dont find it awkward if someone says i am not very social, and if you ask me every sister should be a non social, quiet type. i dont know i just expect every sister to be shy, not social type or talkative kind of person. it is perfectly fine for the sisters so dont sweat it.
                              Thank you for your response. That kind of describes me as well. I was very sensitive, didn't take criticism well and wanted to please everyone all the time. I've learned I shouldn't change myself for anyone. Changing for the better is always good of course but changing to meet people's expectations is not right. People told me I was too 'nice' and needed to stand up/ speak up for myself more but I never thought that was the case- I didn't let anybody walk all over me, I spoke up when I felt I needed to but other times I really didn't care.

                              I don't really want to become a chatterbox but being a good conversationalist is something I've aspired to become. I fear turning into a boring person.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X