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  • Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

    Salam,
    I'm a female who got married about 8 months ago. My marriage was arranged, I didn't know my husband. I moved to a different country with him because he lived there. My marriage had its ups and downs. It took us a while to get to know each other and understand each other. Now I can proudly say I love him with all my heart.

    The problem started which just little arguments, and I noticed his temper was very bad. I'm a stubborn person too, so I changed my habits and learned to deal with his anger. He always used to threat to hit me every time we used to argue. Until one day we were arguing and he ended up choking my neck for like 5 sec. I got very scared after that. I'm still very young in age and he is only 5 years older than me. I didn't show that I was scared in front of him. He ended up apologizing after for what happened and said he would never hit me again.

    I guess it's true when people say once a man starts hitting he never stops after that. He ended up hitting me a few more times. He has punched me, kicked me, hit me with a shoe, and pushed me so hard into a wall. He becomes this different person when he is doing that. Every time he does it, he says he'll never do it again. But those promises never last. Also every time he gets mad, he starts saying how he regrets marrying me, and that was his biggest mistake.

    Last night he slapped my bare shoulder/back area so hard that his hand prints are still there. I screamed out in pain, because my body went into a shock. He always brings my parents into our arguments, and I don't like that. I was raised very Islamic all my life. And for someone to sit there and say your parents didn't raise you right, anyone would get mad.

    I absolutely don't know what to do anymore, I love him so much, but he just doesn't seem to understand. I don't want to leave him. :( Islam doesn't allow to beat your wife whenever you feel like it. I need some ideas on how I can resolve this issue. I'm very close to my mom, but I don't want to tell her, because she'll just be so upset. One other question I had was, when a man in anger says "I divorce you" does that count? I know if someone says it three times it's done, but when someone in an argument says it does it count toward those 3?

    I'm very upset and emotionally hurt. PLEASE someone give me some advice... :(

  • #2
    Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

    I am really saddened to read this sister. There is no reason for you to endure this kind of abuse. You should tell your parents, gets the elders involved, they might be able to talk some sense into your husband. But if all else fails, then you might want to look into divorce. Normally i wouldn't advice such a thing, but your situation is dire and reading your story, i can tell that it will most likely only get worse. You have rights as a Muslims and a wife, and there is no justifying being treated like an animal. May Allah(SWT) make easy your situation. Ameen.


    And here is the answer to your question:

    http://islamqa.com/en/ref/45174

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

      You don't deserve to be treated like that, and he does not deserve your love. It is harmful to love someone who purposely harms you. You deserve that love, not him. Give that love to yourself and you will automatically reject people out to damage you. Good luck with your journey.
      Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

        I know if someone says it three times it's done, but when someone in an argument says it does it count toward those 3?
        Yes, it still counts.
        -

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

          Originally posted by UnknownForever View Post
          Salam,
          I'm a female who got married about 8 months ago. My marriage was arranged, I didn't know my husband. I moved to a different country with him because he lived there. My marriage had its ups and downs. It took us a while to get to know each other and understand each other. Now I can proudly say I love him with all my heart.

          The problem started which just little arguments, and I noticed his temper was very bad. I'm a stubborn person too, so I changed my habits and learned to deal with his anger. He always used to threat to hit me every time we used to argue. Until one day we were arguing and he ended up choking my neck for like 5 sec. I got very scared after that. I'm still very young in age and he is only 5 years older than me. I didn't show that I was scared in front of him. He ended up apologizing after for what happened and said he would never hit me again.

          I guess it's true when people say once a man starts hitting he never stops after that. He ended up hitting me a few more times. He has punched me, kicked me, hit me with a shoe, and pushed me so hard into a wall. He becomes this different person when he is doing that. Every time he does it, he says he'll never do it again. But those promises never last. Also every time he gets mad, he starts saying how he regrets marrying me, and that was his biggest mistake.

          Last night he slapped my bare shoulder/back area so hard that his hand prints are still there. I screamed out in pain, because my body went into a shock. He always brings my parents into our arguments, and I don't like that. I was raised very Islamic all my life. And for someone to sit there and say your parents didn't raise you right, anyone would get mad.

          I absolutely don't know what to do anymore, I love him so much, but he just doesn't seem to understand. I don't want to leave him. :( Islam doesn't allow to beat your wife whenever you feel like it. I need some ideas on how I can resolve this issue. I'm very close to my mom, but I don't want to tell her, because she'll just be so upset. One other question I had was, when a man in anger says "I divorce you" does that count? I know if someone says it three times it's done, but when someone in an argument says it does it count toward those 3?

          I'm very upset and emotionally hurt. PLEASE someone give me some advice... :(
          1) Marriages are arranged , i haven't heard of unarranged marriages.
          2) Humans have different nature - for a successful marriage life one has to make compromises.
          3) Tell your Parents immediately.
          4) Yes it counts as a divorce even if it's in anger.
          "Europe died in Bosnia and was buried in Syria. Bodies of innocent children washing ashore are the
          western civilization's tombstones"


          Rajab Tayyab Erdogan

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

            There is an extreme state of joy and an extreme state of anger in which people are not accountable for what they say because they are not in any control of themselves. This does not apply to most divorces said while angry. Divorce is a very serious word and it should never be used for anything other than the intention of divorce.
            Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

              Originally posted by inprogress View Post
              There is an extreme state of joy and an extreme state of anger in which people are not accountable for what they say because they are not in any control of themselves. This does not apply to most divorces said while angry. Divorce is a very serious word and it should never be used for anything other than the intention of divorce.
              normally the divorces are said in the state on anger and most of the times they are considered valid .
              "Europe died in Bosnia and was buried in Syria. Bodies of innocent children washing ashore are the
              western civilization's tombstones"


              Rajab Tayyab Erdogan

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                Allah alim, I don't think it is "normal" to divorce your wife out of anger. It should be said when someone has seriously put thought into it and intends to end the marriage.
                Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                  Originally posted by inprogress View Post
                  Allah alim, I don't think it is "normal" to divorce your wife out of anger. It should be said when someone has seriously put thought into it and intends to end the marriage.
                  but that's the reality, people say in anger -
                  "Europe died in Bosnia and was buried in Syria. Bodies of innocent children washing ashore are the
                  western civilization's tombstones"


                  Rajab Tayyab Erdogan

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                    Originally posted by inprogress View Post
                    There is an extreme state of joy and an extreme state of anger in which people are not accountable for what they say because they are not in any control of themselves. This does not apply to most divorces said while angry. Divorce is a very serious word and it should never be used for anything other than the intention of divorce.
                    that's totally wrong, whether it is said seriously, in anger, or as a joke, it counts.
                    please do not ever rep me. jazakallah.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                      Originally posted by shafsbhai View Post
                      that's totally wrong, whether it is said seriously, in anger, or as a joke, it counts.
                      But not in a extreme state of anger where you don't realize what you are saying.



                      Praise be to Allaah.

                      Anger is of three types:

                      1 – when anger is so intense that are person is no longer aware of what he is doing or saying, and becomes like one who is insane or mad. In this case the talaaq (divorce) does not count, according to all the scholars, because he is like one who is insane and mad, who has lost all power of reason.

                      2 – when his anger is intense but he understands what he is saying and doing, but his anger is intense and he cannot control himself because the argument trading of insults or fighting has gone on too long, so his anger may be intense because of that. In this case there is a difference of opinion among the scholars, but the most correct view is that divorce does not count in this case either, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no divorce and no freeing of slaves when it is done by force or in a state of intense anger.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 2046; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Irwa’, 2047)

                      3 – mild anger, which is what happens when the husband is upset with his wife, or he is disappointed about something that his wife has done, but it is not so intense that it makes him lose his power of reasoning or self-control. Rather it is the ordinary kind of anger and is mild. In this case the divorce is valid according to the all the scholars.

                      This is the correct answer regarding divorce uttered in anger, as was stated by Ibn Taymiyah and Ibn al-Qayyim, may Allaah have mercy on them.

                      And Allaah knows best. May Allaah send blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad.

                      Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh Ibn Baaz, pp. 15-27
                      Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                        my heart aches for you, if you don't want to leave, please go to marriage counseling and try to get him to take anger management. I saw my steptdad do this to my mother, and trust me, you want to sort this out before you have any kids inshaAllah. But know that he may never change, and you may have to be strong and leave him.
                        Fabi-ayyiala -i rabbikuma tukaththibani
                        Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny?
                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr8DR8frP_s

                        You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                          Please stop issuing your own fatwa regarding divorce given in the state on anger. Read the link posted above.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                            Divorce in anger and subsequent doubts

                            Answered by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam, Darul Iftaa (Leicester, UK)

                            QUESTION:
                            Last weekend (Thursday night) around 10 pm my husband divorced me in a fit of anger amid arguments. He says he was not pre-planned but it just got spelled out due to anger. The problem is we are not sure how many times he pronounced it. What I remember is, he said: "I am divorcing you, I have divorced you, I have divorced you."

                            My question is that the above words should be treated as two divorces or three divorces?

                            Though later that night he apologized and expressed that the words spoken were in anger and he hasn't divorced me. Until this time we were under the impression that divorce in one sitting is always counted as one no matter pronounced as many times.

                            But later on I came to know that these will be counted as many times as they are pronounced. For this reason I recited the Istikhara dua before going to bed so that Allah may guide as to what course should be taken. And I got the dream somewhat related to divorce.

                            Now what should I do. Should I rely on the Istikhara or how do I convince myself that the divorce has been revoked or not?


                            ANSWER:
                            In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

                            It is a well-known fact that divorce is normally pronounced and issued in the state of anger. Rarely does one issue a divorce in a state other than anger. One would not say to his wife: “You are a very nice girl, go I am divorcing you!”

                            The jurists (fuqaha) have categorized anger into three stages:

                            1) Initial stages of anger in a way that one’s mind is mentally sound, and fully conceiving and comprehending what one is saying. In such a case, divorce will be effected without doubt.

                            2) Extreme anger to the point of sanity (junun), in that one is unaware where one is, what one is saying, what are the implications of these words, etc. In such a case, divorce will not come into effect.

                            3) In between the above two stages, in that one was extremely angry but not to the point of insanity (junun), and was aware of what one was saying. In this case also, divorce will be effected. (See: Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar, 3/244 & other fiqh references).

                            In normal and majority of the cases, the anger does not reach the level of insanity as outlined in category number two, thus divorce is valid and effected. However, in particular circumstances, when the anger does reach the level of insanity, and one can not distinguish between black and white, then indeed divorce will not count. One must keep in mind accountability to Allah Almighty and then decide for him/herself.

                            Therefore, you mentioned that your husband divorced you in anger and that he regretted it later. In light of the abovementioned explanation, the divorce will count and the legal ruling will not be lifted due to normal anger.

                            As far as the three pronouncements of divorce are concerned, they stand as three divorces, as mentioned in detail in an earlier post. The words “I am divorcing you, I have divorced you, I have divorced you” count as three divorces, for explicit words used for divorce in the present and past- tense form are considered valid in the issuing of divorce even if pronounced altogether at once. (See: Radd al-Muhtar)

                            Regarding having doubts as to how many times the pronouncement of divorce took place, Imam al-Haskafi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his Durr al-Mukhtar:

                            “If one has a doubt in pronouncing one divorce or more, he should base his verdict on the minimum.”

                            Allama Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) explains the above:

                            “(al-Haskafi’s statement: “base the verdict on the minimum”) is similar to what al-Istijabi mentioned, unless one is certain or regards the opposite to have most probably occurred. It is related from Imam that, if one is uncertain whether he pronounced three divorces or less, then he should exercise his judgment (taharri). And if he can not come to a decision (m, in that both sides are equal), he should take the more strict outcome upon him. This has been related in al-Ashbah from al-Bazzaziyya. Al-Tahtawi stated that, this was the position of Qadikhan, and may be due to the aspect of him being precautions (m, in matters related to the lawful and unlawful) especially in marriage and divorce. I (m, Ibn Abidin) say: It is possible to consider the first position legally binding (qadha’an) and the second religiously obligatory (diya’natan). (Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr, 3/283)

                            It is stated in Khulasat al-Fatawa:

                            “An individual took an oath of divorce but was in doubt as to whether he pronounced one or three divorces, it will be regarded as one, unless he becomes certain or regards the opposite to have most probably occurred.” (2/120 from Imdad al-Ahkam, 2/387)

                            The upshot of all of the above is that, there are few scenarios in the case of having a doubt:

                            1) There is certainty on pronouncing a specific number. In such a case (obviously) that which one is certain of will come into effect.

                            2) There is inclination towards one side, in that one regards a specific number of divorces to have most likely been pronounced. In such a case also, that which one is inclined towards will be effected.

                            3) Both sides are equal, in a way that one cannot prefer one over the other. In such a case, although there is scope in taking the minimum (i.e. one had a doubt between pronouncing two or three divorces, then one may regard it as two), for the minimum is certain to have occurred whereas there is doubt in the opposite, it is religiously more precautious to take the strict option (that is take three in the above example), for it is a question of lawful marriage and unlawful fornication. Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) considered the strict verdict in this case to be religiously binding, as understood from his text.

                            Finally, it should be noted that, if a woman heard her husband pronounce three divorces and has no doubt in this, but her husband is doubtful, then it will not be permissible for her to treat him as her husband. It will be necessary for her to consider the marriage to be over, thus not let her husband have a husband-wife relationship with her, as the Fuqaha mention that a woman is like a judge (al-mar’atu kal qadhi), meaning that she will be considered a judge with regards to her own situation. (See: Radd al-Muhtar, 2/432). Yes, if she is also doubtful, then she will act according to the procedure outlined above.

                            In conclusion, you mention that you remember your husband pronouncing divorce three times, thus three divorces have into effect, thus the marriage will be considered to be over. You will not be allowed to return together until after your waiting period (iddat) is over, and until you marry another man and consummate the marriage, get divorce, and complete your second waiting period, because of explicit texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah.

                            And Allah knows best

                            Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
                            Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK
                            Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                            "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                            - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Abuse/Violence in Marriage?

                              ^^^jazakallah for this. was reading it earlier. also, jazakallah to inprogress for elaborating. seems like hanafi madhab is more strict. for the stage of anger in between normal anger and momentary insanity, hanafi madhab dictates it as still a valid divorce, while shaykh bin baaz rh stated it to be invalid.
                              please do not ever rep me. jazakallah.

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