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Secret 2nd wives and double lives

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  • #91
    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

    Originally posted by Muslimah* View Post
    what lying? he doesn't have to lie

    If he goes out to see the 2nd wife he does not need to tell the 1st where he is going.
    I disagree, if he was keeping it a secret then it'd be a matter of time before he'd be forced to lie. Realistically speaking, how long could he carry on without doing so??

    What if the wife asked him where he was going? He'd probably have to lie then.
    Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

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    • #92
      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

      Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
      What if she asked him where he is going?
      he could say he is going OUT

      if she asks where then again he could say OUT and thats it.

      A husband is the king of the house, he does not need to explain certain things if he doesn't want to.
      Muslimah Forever InshaAllah

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      • #93
        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

        Didn't c ur post (containing the same question) before writing my comment, brother mirror. Khair, I'll leave it in.
        Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

        Comment


        • #94
          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

          He's the Ameer. But, he's to treat her kindly. We can't say he's the Ameer, so he doesn't need to explain, anything and she should just mind her own business.

          I know you are for polygamy. :masha:

          But, even scholars have said that a man should let his wife know, because it will have a negative affect on her if he doesn't and goes around her back and gets re-married.
          Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

          "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
          - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

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          • #95
            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

            Originally posted by *~ Shrinking Violet ~* View Post
            I disagree, if he was keeping it a secret then it'd be a matter of time before he'd be forced to lie. Realistically speaking, how long could he carry on without doing so??

            What if the wife asked him where he was going? He'd probably have to lie then.
            so far she hasn't found out, if she does then he can simply say then i took on a 2nd wife. But at the moment it looks like it's going well for all 3 of them.
            Muslimah Forever InshaAllah

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            • #96
              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

              Originally posted by Muslimah* View Post
              he could say he is going OUT

              if she asks where then again he could say OUT and thats it.

              A husband is the king of the house, he does not need to explain certain things if he doesn't want to.
              I don't agree with a man speaking to his wife in this manner...it's unreasonable n unnecessary.

              Plus, a wife needs to know exactly where her husb is in case there's an emergency of some sort.
              Last edited by *~ Shrinking Violet ~*; 21-11-11, 02:05 AM.
              Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

              Comment


              • #97
                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                He's the Ameer. But, he's to treat her kindly. We can't say he's the Ameer, so he doesn't need to explain, anything and she should just mind her own business.

                I know you are for polygamy. :masha:

                But, even scholars have said that a man should let his wife know, because it will have a negative affect on her if he doesn't and goes around her back and gets re-married.
                He is treating her kindly, it seems like they have a good marriage,

                this news could ruin it all for all 3 of them,

                he wouldn't have went behind her back in the 1st place if he thought she would be alright with it, so he does care about her feelings
                Muslimah Forever InshaAllah

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                • #98
                  Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                  Well, now he is already in the marriage. I meant, that he should've told her before marriage.

                  If he thought she won't be alright with it before marriage, then he should talk to her and try to explain to her the wisdom behind why Allah allowed polygamy. To go behind her back and get married isn't the correct approach, if he wants to show he cares about her.

                  Caring about her means that he shouldn't deceive her. If he really cared, then he would've made sure that once she finds out, she will not be heartbroken. There's no guarantee that she will not find out in the future. Only Allah knows the future.

                  I wonder how he's living like this without having to lie. Allah knows best.
                  Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                  "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                  - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                    Originally posted by *~ Shrinking Violet ~* View Post
                    I don't agree with a man speaking to his wife in this manner...it's unreasonable n unnecessary.

                    Plus, a wife needs to know exactly where her husb is in case there's an emergency of some sort.
                    Sister, our role is to be obiediant and to please our husbands in whatever ways we can.
                    Muslimah Forever InshaAllah

                    Comment


                    • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                      Originally posted by Sister_2009 View Post
                      As-Salamu Alaikum Sis,

                      I hope you are doing good :). As I said, my husband worked odd hours, varying, days and nights. If my husband was gone at night, I assumed he was working; during the day, working, work related, friends, or whatever. A lot of men work odd shifts, like doctors, for instance. I was married for years and living this way, so it is very possible for a man to have a second wife and not lie about his whereabouts. I think it depends on his first wife and whether she feels the need to ask about it every day. I didn't have that need.

                      As an aside, a brother of a friend of mine died recently. It was only when he died that people found out he had a second wife in another country because she was posting all over the internet about her husband dying. He would tell his wife/family that he was going on business to this other country. Well, the second wife was his business partner (that's how they met) and they were doing business transactions during their visits as well, so he wasn't lying... he was on a business trip. I'm not saying that I agree or disagree with this type of situation, I am only pointing out that these situations do exist.
                      :wswrwb: hey sis, u okay? im good Alhamdulillah, u??

                      I guess whether or not a husband can dodge having to lie depends on individual circumstances.

                      In all honesty, do u think that's fair sis?? Cz the marriage was a secret, the second wife was probably frantic with despair about who to contact after the husband's death...she was probably out of her mind about how to go about supporting herself or any children (if arrangements hadn't already been made by the husb).
                      Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

                      Comment


                      • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                        Originally posted by Muslimah* View Post
                        Sister, our role is to be obiediant and to please our husbands in whatever ways we can.
                        That's irrelevant sis. Us having to b obedient doesn't give husband's the right to talk to us disrespectfully.
                        Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

                        Comment


                        • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                          Here are some rulings from scholars:

                          If he marries another woman without the prior consent of his wife, the second marriage will be valid. However, from a practical point of view, it is observed that when a man takes another wife and marries her secretly, that poses many problems, for example, when the first wife comes to know about her husband?s second marriage, she feels betrayed. That itself leads to many more problems.

                          In order to avoid such problems, we advise that the husband discuss with his wife his intention to remarry. It is obvious that he will have to use wisdom and diplomacy in discussing such a sensitive issue with her. He must also expect her to react negatively to his intention, especially, when women are generally possessive over their husbands.

                          The advantage of discussing with the wife is if she is the issue and cause of his intention to remarry, that will present her an opportunity to make adjustments with her husband and avoid him remarrying. Furthermore, if the husband remarried after having discussed the matter with his wife, she will not feel the pain as much as learning about the husband?s second marriage without knowing his intention. In brief, according to the Shari?ah, the husband does not require the consent of the wife to remarry but the matter must be approached in a practical way with wisdom and diplomacy.


                          AskImam





                          IslamQA
                          Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

                          "A person who is blessed with the ability to be grateful, shall never be deprived of barakah and increase in blessings."
                          - Rasulullah (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم)‎

                          Comment


                          • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                            ^ Perfect explanations :up:

                            :jkk: for those bro
                            Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

                            Comment


                            • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                              Originally posted by .mirror. View Post
                              Here are some rulings from scholars:

                              If he marries another woman without the prior consent of his wife, the second marriage will be valid. However, from a practical point of view, it is observed that when a man takes another wife and marries her secretly, that poses many problems, for example, when the first wife comes to know about her husband?s second marriage, she feels betrayed. That itself leads to many more problems.

                              In order to avoid such problems, we advise that the husband discuss with his wife his intention to remarry. It is obvious that he will have to use wisdom and diplomacy in discussing such a sensitive issue with her. He must also expect her to react negatively to his intention, especially, when women are generally possessive over their husbands.

                              The advantage of discussing with the wife is if she is the issue and cause of his intention to remarry, that will present her an opportunity to make adjustments with her husband and avoid him remarrying. Furthermore, if the husband remarried after having discussed the matter with his wife, she will not feel the pain as much as learning about the husband?s second marriage without knowing his intention. In brief, according to the Shari?ah, the husband does not require the consent of the wife to remarry but the matter must be approached in a practical way with wisdom and diplomacy.


                              AskImam

                              It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will minimize the hurt feelings such thing might produce. So it’s incumbent on the husband to be kind to his wife, discuss the matter with her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and this should be coupled with spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

                              So in the light of the above, it’s clear that the matter is not just having a right to do so, it’s how you use that right. As we have said in many fatwas how Islam caters for the rights of women, men should not tamper with rights that Islam made inalienable to women, part of which is to respect their humanity. They are not property that can be done with at any time without any consideration; women are life partners.

                              IslamQA
                              I wish everyone can understand that ^

                              Hence the situation discussed is plain wrong and I can't approve it whatever justification is served as it doesn't shows any consideration for a woman's feeling although it wants to justify the situation by claiming that.

                              You have the right to remarry but the woman also has the right to be dealt with respect, consideration, kindness which may lead to her understanding the situation, to accept it and remain in a polygamous marriage.
                              أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله

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                              • Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                                As-Salamu Alaikum @Muslimah*,

                                I understand what you are saying. No one can say with 100% certainty that every man who has a "secret marriage" is lying to his first wife. I have heard some sisters say specifically that they do not want to know. They feel that what they don't know won't hurt them. I know not all women question their husband and his whereabouts constantly. I assume it's a case-by-case situation.

                                Originally posted by *~ Shrinking Violet ~* View Post
                                :wswrwb: hey sis, u okay? im good Alhamdulillah, u??

                                I guess whether or not a husband can dodge having to lie depends on individual circumstances.

                                In all honesty, do u think that's fair sis?? Cz the marriage was a secret, the second wife was probably frantic with despair about who to contact after the husband's death...she was probably out of her mind about how to go about supporting herself or any children (if arrangements hadn't already been made by the husb).
                                I'm good, sis, alhamdulillah. Actually, the reason why this woman was posting on the internet that her husband died was because she was proud of him. He died a shaheed, :insha:. The family came in contact and sorted out any pending business transactions, etc. She is taken care of, alhamdulillah.

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