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Secret 2nd wives and double lives

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  • #76
    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

    putting the emotional part of this issue to one side for a moment and looking at the shar'ee perspective...

    announcing the nikah is sunnah.

    so if a person has a nikah in secret, although they may be sinful for neglecting this sunnah, the nikah is still valid according to the shariah. it is not zina.
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    • #77
      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

      Anyway, he didny tell his first wife cause he loves and doesnt want to lose her, but he'll do the right thing now, he's jus waiting for the right moment.
      The risk of losing her now is just the same, if not more, than at the start of the thing. I.e. she will feel betrayed that he actually went ahead and did it behind her back and has kept it secret all this time. From her perspective, that is worse than him having told her up front.

      InshaAllah the right moment for this brother comes soon and isn't always delayed and inshaAllah there is an amicable resolution to the situation, for all parties involved.
      -

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      • #78
        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

        Originally posted by Khalid b. Walid View Post
        Second time I heard something like this from a sister on this forum. Looks like when there is the prospect of financial gain, Islam goes out of the window.
        Brother, that comment was in a joking manner, it did not sound as serious...

        Islam goes out of window too for brothers when they enter polygamy without being able to deal with what it entails and it's purely done for lustful reasons.
        أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله

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        • #79
          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

          Originally posted by -Jibril- View Post
          I know someone thats got a secret 2nd wife, his first wife doesnt know, but the second sister knows about the first.

          The second sister approached him and basically stated that she wouldnt want much of his time, nor any of his money, since she can provide for herself, all she wants is his company and for him to help her with her deen.

          They used to work together and she heard alot about him and liked the way he carried himself, so wanted to make it halaal instead of being a mistress.


          So my question is this, what do you think?

          I'm not askin whether its halaal or not, since there are many opinions on this issue, what I am asking is, how do you FEEL about it?

          As a sister, would you do this?

          As a sister, how would you feel if this was your husband?
          As a brother, would you do this?
          What if someone did that to your sister?

          Originally posted by -Jibril- View Post
          Thanks everyone, I appreciate your comments, the brother has read thru them and they second what I told him, just tell the first one, otherwise he'll have to go Bourne everytime he's seein his second mrs.

          Anyway, he didny tell his first wife cause he loves and doesnt want to lose her, but he'll do the right thing now, he's jus waiting for the right moment.


          Jazakumullahu khair and may Allah have mercy on you all.
          so if his second wife approached him and he doesn't want to loose his first wife,
          why didn't he just man up in the first place and discuss it with the first wife in the first place?
          he could have been honest and said i've had a proposal,
          would have saved a lot of hassle tbh

          btw did the brother ever discuss about potentially getting married again with his first wife, prior to getting married again?

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          • #80
            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

            Originally posted by seven View Post
            announcing the nikah is sunnah.
            so if a person has a nikah in secret, although they may be sinful for neglecting this sunnah, the nikah is still valid according to the shariah. it is not zina.
            The difference between zina and nikah is the announcement.Zina is done in secrecy and nikah is done aloud.So that nobody can raise any doubts that so and so is already married and for others also to know that this person is now married.Thus this is a part of shariah and one of ahkaam from shariah as nikah itself is sunnah.It is like saying I have a beard but it is fake beard.

            How do you have the beard is also very important i.e. how you do it.Did you grow or you stick it across your face.How do you do the sunnah is it by the way of sunnah or not.You can still have beard by wearing some fake beard and by your ijtihad it can be sunnah astagfirullah.
            Last edited by ahmed_abdullah; 20-11-11, 03:04 PM.
            صلى الله على حبيبه محمد و على آله و أصحابه و سلم
            Al-Muslimeen

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            • #81
              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

              As a brother, would you do this?
              If I am capable of handling a second wife and I know the first would react in a way that would lead to divorce or involvement of the state, than yes I would keep it hidden, otherwise no.



              What if someone did that to your sister?
              I don't see what difference that makes, if she fit the profile above and her husband is burning with that desire than why not ? I would actually be disappointed with her rather than vice versa.

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              • #82
                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                I think it's pretty noble of the brother to marry the second wife and assist her with her deen and guard eachother from zina.

                Is it a good idea to keep it secret ? I'm not even married so, how could I say either way. The brother knows better regarding his first wife.

                But, the whole reason of keeping additional marriages secret is due to how opposed the people have become to Polygamy and this needs to be corrected.

                @the brother who said NO to polygamy should be in every marriage contract:
                Fear Allah, do you encourage the prohibition of that which Allah has allowed and the Messenger of Allah and his companions practised. Do you have no sense ?

                @the sister who said she'd divorce the second she found out and take him to the cleaners:
                Subhanallah, you're willing to refer to the Taghut court for judgement and commit haraam (and possibly disbelief) and oppress your ex-husband over something that is considered at most undesirable (concealing a second wife). Have you no sense ?
                May Allah protect us from such a twisted mentality. Ameen.

                And one final frank message for the sisters that like to hasten to divorce over polygamy:
                You and I both now the stigma of divorce, so while your ex-husband will still have a wife, you'll be out on your own without any hope of ever re-marrying and without any financial support from him (unless you rush to the kaffir courts of disbelief) all because you put yourself before Allah and His Messenger (by hating polygamy). Consider carefully.
                Last edited by ibnFalaax; 20-11-11, 07:53 PM.
                Imam AbdulLatif ibn AbdurRahman rahimullah said, "It is not possible for someone to realize Tawheed and act upon it, and yet not be hostile against the mushrikeen. So anyone who isn't hostile against the mushrikeen, then it can't be said that he acts upon Tawheed, nor that he realizes it." [ad-Durar as-Saniyyah 8/167]

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                • #83
                  Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                  Originally posted by ibnFalaax View Post
                  You'll be out on your own without any hope of ever re-marrying and without any financial support from him (unless you rush to the kaffir courts of disbelief) all because you put yourself before Allah and His Messenger (by hating polygamy). Consider carefully.
                  Bit of an over statement that; my younger sister's divorced n is getting married next month.
                  If a divorcee doesnt want to re-marry then she can easily work to support herself or even live on benefits.
                  Whether to divorce or not is a personal choice, those who take this route will have to live with the consequences of their actions (whatever they may b) for the rest of their lives; but ultimately, it's their decision. Simple as.
                  If there are just grounds for divorce then they are no problems with doing so.
                  Last edited by *~ Shrinking Violet ~*; 20-11-11, 09:09 PM.
                  Allah's Messenger :saw: said: "Allah the Exalted said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand, I draw near him by the length of a cubit, and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit, I draw near him by the length of a fathom, and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

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                  • #84
                    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                    I really cant understand how a woman can do it to another, knowing the other would most likely be distraught

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                    • #85
                      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                      I would be ok with it, as long as he still fufills his obligations towards me.

                      I dont think he should tell the 1st wife it could endanger his life and it wouldn't bring the 1st wife any benefit if you think about it.

                      Probably would make her sad or angry all the time
                      Muslimah Forever InshaAllah

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                      • #86
                        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                        Originally posted by ibnFalaax View Post

                        And one final frank message for the sisters that like to hasten to divorce over polygamy:
                        You and I both now the stigma of divorce, so while your ex-husband will still have a wife, you'll be out on your own without any hope of ever re-marrying and without any financial support from him (unless you rush to the kaffir courts of disbelief) all because you put yourself before Allah and His Messenger (by hating polygamy). Consider carefully.
                        Divorce having a stigma is wrong and unIslamic. And lots of divorcees remarry, it's just they remarry to brothers who don't follow jahil stigmas, and so don't have a problem with marrying a divorcee.

                        It's good for Muslims to try to end this hatred of polygamy, but why are you promoting these jahil attitudes towards divorcees? One of the benefits of polygamy is that it increases the chances of divorcees remarrying, because they can consider being a 2nd wife rather than limiting themselves to unmarried men. And also why are these anti divorcee attitudes always directed at women who are divorced? Most of the divorced women I know are divorced becuase their husbands abused them, yet it's the divorced woman, not the pseudo-man who abused her, who bears the brunt of the stigma.

                        Anyway, I agree with you that Muslims need to lose the fear of polygamy. Done the Qu'ran and Sunnah way it benefits women more than it benefits men, and it takes a real man to make it work. Unfortunately one of the reason why so many are against it is that there are too many men who don't follow the Qur'an and Sunnah with respect to it and end up failing to fulfil the needs of either wife, and end up with two very unhappy marriages, to two very unhappy wives, and people look at that and blame polygamy, and the sisters hear about the pain and heartache of the two wives, and fear that they'll be put through that. It's not polygamy's fault, it's the fault of people who won't follow the Qur'an and Sunnah. (and yes, either wife not following Qur'an and Sunnah can also jeopardise a polygamous marriage and cause all kinds of problems, but it's the husband that is at the centre of the marriage, and so his failure to follow Qur'an and Sunnah will affect the situation so much more. It's a huge responsibility, but real men who follow Qur'an and Sunnah can meet that responsibility, inshaAllah)
                        Last edited by dhak1yya; 20-11-11, 10:14 PM.
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                        • #87
                          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                          Originally posted by Muslimah* View Post
                          I would be ok with it, as long as he still fufills his obligations towards me.

                          I dont think he should tell the 1st wife it could endanger his life and it wouldn't bring the 1st wife any benefit if you think about it.

                          Probably would make her sad or angry all the time
                          I think this is an extremely shallow view of the situation. What do you mean it wouldn't bring any benefit to the first wife if you tell her?? Ridiculous!! How about betrayal of her trust, suddenly finding out that her husband has been lying to her for years? And all the lies and secrecy won't have a negative effect on their relationship? I'm happy for my husband to have a 2nd wife mashaAllah, but I'd never want to be married to a habitual liar. Okay, people may slip up every now and then with small lies, but to lie systematically and repeatedly about something so big would be a catastrophic betrayal of trust.

                          Even women who are anti polygamy, if the husband is HONEST about it, there's a much greater chance that she'll come round after a while and accept it and realise it's not so bad (provided he's doing everything the Qur'an and Sunnah way) than if he hides it and she finds out by accident. Not to mention the fact that if he hides it it's inevitable he'll end up lying about it, which is a sin that he'll be accountable for on judgement day.
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                          • #88
                            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                            Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                            I think this is an extremely shallow view of the situation. What do you mean it wouldn't bring any benefit to the first wife if you tell her?? Ridiculous!! How about betrayal of her trust, suddenly finding out that her husband has been lying to her for years? And all the lies and secrecy won't have a negative effect on their relationship? I'm happy for my husband to have a 2nd wife mashaAllah, but I'd never want to be married to a habitual liar. Okay, people may slip up every now and then with small lies, but to lie systematically and repeatedly about something so big would be a catastrophic betrayal of trust.

                            Even women who are anti polygamy, if the husband is HONEST about it, there's a much greater chance that she'll come round after a while and accept it and realise it's not so bad (provided he's doing everything the Qur'an and Sunnah way) than if he hides it and she finds out by accident. Not to mention the fact that if he hides it it's inevitable he'll end up lying about it, which is a sin that he'll be accountable for on judgement day.
                            This.
                            -

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                            • #89
                              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                              Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                              I think this is an extremely shallow view of the situation. What do you mean it wouldn't bring any benefit to the first wife if you tell her?? Ridiculous!! How about betrayal of her trust, suddenly finding out that her husband has been lying to her for years? And all the lies and secrecy won't have a negative effect on their relationship? I'm happy for my husband to have a 2nd wife mashaAllah, but I'd never want to be married to a habitual liar. Okay, people may slip up every now and then with small lies, but to lie systematically and repeatedly about something so big would be a catastrophic betrayal of trust.

                              Even women who are anti polygamy, if the husband is HONEST about it, there's a much greater chance that she'll come round after a while and accept it and realise it's not so bad (provided he's doing everything the Qur'an and Sunnah way) than if he hides it and she finds out by accident. Not to mention the fact that if he hides it it's inevitable he'll end up lying about it, which is a sin that he'll be accountable for on judgement day.
                              Not really

                              i've heard women say if there husband took another wife they would kill him. end of

                              most women dont care if the husband was being honest or not they just do not want to share there husband.

                              what lying? he doesn't have to lie

                              If he goes out to see the 2nd wife he does not need to tell the 1st where he is going.

                              If he told her it could ruin everything. the fact that he didn't mention it prior to the 2nd marriage is a sign that he knew it would p**s off his 1st wife.

                              you may not like my opinion but oh well

                              I'm just saying what i know
                              Muslimah Forever InshaAllah

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                              • #90
                                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                                If he goes out to see the 2nd wife he does not need to tell the 1st where he is going.
                                What if she asked him where he is going?
                                Secure few moments, everyday, to reflect upon the innumerable blessings of Allah and thank Him for bestowing them upon you.

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