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Secret 2nd wives and double lives

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  • #31
    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

    Originally posted by bint begum View Post
    We're talking about a wife who doesn't know about her husband having a 2nd wife. If the first wife is unaware and asks where her husband is and he doesn't admit the truth and the wife is still unaware, then it implies he's lying.

    So when wife #1 asks her husband where he was last night, he doesn't tell her he was with wife#2 because he knows he will be busted so he says something else everytime. Therefore he is LYING.
    yes then that is obviously him lieing, there is no two ways around that, i agree with you!

    Originally posted by M.A.K. View Post
    I really doubt that he doesn't lie to her about his whereabouts, come on, he lives with her she must ask where he goes, he must make up some excuses (which is still lying in my book) because not lying to her would be him saying "Darling, just popping out for some milk, oh and er... Will stop by Mrs Khan number 2 on the way... Don't wait up, give the kids a kiss for me"...

    Thus she would know about her, but as the OP has stated, Wife number 1 hasn't a clue.

    OP, If you know that he has pulled this off without lying to his wife, please tell us how he did it...

    Also, is withholding the truth equal to lying?
    i dont know, you tell me?

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    • #32
      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

      Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
      btw maybe he doesnt spend nights with wife number 2, maybe he sees her during the day, i dunno lol!
      it's not permissible for him to only spend days with one wife and nights with the other. The time has to be divided equally by nights, and he has to sleep with each wife in rotation, although wives can agree to swap nights (including agreeing to swap a bunch of nights at a time, e.g. him spending 3 weeks with one and 3 weeks with the other so they can go on holiday together etc), they can also give up any of their nights for their co-wife etc - but a wife can't agree to do that if she doesn't know about the co-wife! How can she agree to swap nights/give up nights to someone she doesn't even know exists?

      I understand you're trying to make excuses for brothers who do this, but my point is that if he follows *ALL* of what Islam requires of a polygamous husband, including "the best of you is the kindest to his wives" (which is harder to follow than hard and fast rules like rotating nights) then you can't do that while one wife is a secret.

      Unfortunately there are a lot of men who don't take their responsibilities seriously in marriage, both polygamous and monogamous husbands - some prefer to just pick and choose what bits they want to follow, so they'll bang on about their right to be polygamous, and the wife's duty to obey him, while ignoring the rights of his wife or wives. Islam is not something that you can pick and choose from. It's a complete package and you have to follow all of it. (and yes I totally accept that there are also lots of sisters that pick and choose the bits they like and ignore the bits they don't like)

      :up: totally in favour of polygamy practiced according to Qur'an and Sunnah :up:
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      • #33
        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

        Originally posted by madara View Post
        Nothing short of zinaa when a man takes the extra and extreme responsibility of a second wife and equates it to a 'secret' marriage. The PROPHET PBUH never had a secret marriage and his wives were all comfortable with him marrying again even if they later weren't comfortable with his wives.

        50 lashes for these zanis.
        how is a zina?
        he's married her
        Last edited by love4 bukahri; 19-11-11, 11:26 PM.

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        • #34
          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

          Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
          it's not permissible for him to only spend days with one wife and nights with the other. The time has to be divided equally by nights, and he has to sleep with each wife in rotation, although wives can agree to swap nights (including agreeing to swap a bunch of nights at a time, e.g. him spending 3 weeks with one and 3 weeks with the other so they can go on holiday together etc), they can also give up any of their nights for their co-wife etc - but a wife can't agree to do that if she doesn't know about the co-wife! How can she agree to swap nights/give up nights to someone she doesn't even know exists?

          I understand you're trying to make excuses for brothers who do this, but my point is that if he follows *ALL* of what Islam requires of a polygamous husband, including "the best of you is the kindest to his wives" (which is harder to follow than hard and fast rules like rotating nights) then you can't do that while one wife is a secret.

          Unfortunately there are a lot of men who don't take their responsibilities seriously in marriage, both polygamous and monogamous husbands - some prefer to just pick and choose what bits they want to follow, so they'll bang on about their right to be polygamous, and the wife's duty to obey him, while ignoring the rights of his wife or wives. Islam is not something that you can pick and choose from. It's a complete package and you have to follow all of it. (and yes I totally accept that there are also lots of sisters that pick and choose the bits they like and ignore the bits they don't like)

          :up: totally in favour of polygamy practiced according to Qur'an and Sunnah :up:
          sister, as you can see in my quote i used the word 'maybe',
          which doesnt definately mean that he does,
          and i also used the words 'i dunno', because i dunno, only allah knows,
          alhamdullilah sister that makes it the two of us,
          in favour of polygamy according to the quran and sunnah :)

          p.s im that clued up about islam and polygamy, so you'll probably know more from your experience and knowledge
          Last edited by Simply_Logical; 19-11-11, 11:33 PM.

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          • #35
            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

            Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
            btw maybe he doesnt spend nights with wife number 2, maybe he sees her during the day, i dunno lol!

            your saying lieing is haraam, which i dont disagree with,
            but how do you know he is lieing to his wife?
            only allah knows whether he is or not.

            your just assuming.
            you are assuming too...

            there is no lalaland, it sounds like a mistress with contract, not financially supported, no shared nights, then what's the marriage about... secret sex with a contract?

            secrets don't stay like that forever, at some point the 1st wife will find out and her world will be broken... she will see all her marriage as a lie. even if a woman may not accept polygamy easily, still, at some point, if the husband is worthy she will eventually get used to the idea and remain in the marriage.

            abt 2nd wife, she sounds sneaky, she proposed and gave up on her rights but it won't be always like this. the husband will get some big headaches later. I would be a 2nd wife but I'd never enter a marriage in such a way, only if I got no self-respect and I got a steel heart.
            أشهد أن لا إله إلاَّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله

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            • #36
              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

              Asalaamu Alaikum,

              It's not right, none of the Sahaba's(ra) had "secret" wives. He should immediatly tell her the truth imo.
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              • #37
                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                Originally posted by hayatto View Post
                you are assuming too...

                there is no lalaland, it sounds like a mistress with contract, not financially supported, no shared nights, then what's the marriage about... secret sex with a contract?

                secrets don't stay like that forever, at some point the 1st wife will find out and her world will be broken... she will see all her marriage as a lie. even if a woman may not accept polygamy easily, still, at some point, if the husband is worthy she will eventually get used to the idea and remain in the marriage.

                abt 2nd wife, she sounds sneaky, she proposed and gave up on her rights but it won't be always like this. the husband will get some big headaches later. I would be a 2nd wife but I'd never enter a marriage in such a way, only if I got no self-respect and I got a steel heart.
                your right im also assuming and i hear what your saying

                Originally posted by Perseveranze View Post
                Asalaamu Alaikum,

                It's not right, none of the Sahaba's(ra) had "secret" wives. He should immediatly tell her the truth imo.
                i have said many times in this thread i agree that even though its technically halal it seems the wrong thing to do and he should man up and tell his 1st wife

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                  Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
                  if that was my husband i would simply ask for a divorce the minute i found out about the second wife.
                  i would also take the house, the cars and the kids :up:
                  Originally posted by Bint-Al-Islam View Post
                  yep! 100% because what im doing is not haraam either. I can ask for a divorce anytime i think he wasn't being honest with me, and the fact that he has another wife and lied to me would tell me he's not being honest.
                  yes it is something haram, you are saying if your husband did something which is permissable to him, you would take the house, cars and kids which is not for you to just take in an islamic marriage.

                  the right of asking for a divorce if you feel your deen is threatened is there for you, but taking him to the cleaners over something halal is not.

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                  • #39
                    Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                    Originally posted by dhak1yya View Post
                    it's not permissible for him to only spend days with one wife and nights with the other. The time has to be divided equally by nights, and he has to sleep with each wife in rotation, although wives can agree to swap nights (including agreeing to swap a bunch of nights at a time, e.g. him spending 3 weeks with one and 3 weeks with the other so they can go on holiday together etc), they can also give up any of their nights for their co-wife etc - but a wife can't agree to do that if she doesn't know about the co-wife! How can she agree to swap nights/give up nights to someone she doesn't even know exists?

                    I understand you're trying to make excuses for brothers who do this, but my point is that if he follows *ALL* of what Islam requires of a polygamous husband, including "the best of you is the kindest to his wives" (which is harder to follow than hard and fast rules like rotating nights) then you can't do that while one wife is a secret.

                    Unfortunately there are a lot of men who don't take their responsibilities seriously in marriage, both polygamous and monogamous husbands - some prefer to just pick and choose what bits they want to follow, so they'll bang on about their right to be polygamous, and the wife's duty to obey him, while ignoring the rights of his wife or wives. Islam is not something that you can pick and choose from. It's a complete package and you have to follow all of it. (and yes I totally accept that there are also lots of sisters that pick and choose the bits they like and ignore the bits they don't like)

                    :up: totally in favour of polygamy practiced according to Qur'an and Sunnah :up:
                    what has been described sounds very much like a misyar marriage, which some ulema permit, some say is disliked, others haram because of the way it can be abused.

                    as such the equal nights, financial support etc doesn't apply if it is a misyar marriage which even if they've not labelled it as such it sounds like the same thing, she doesn't want to be supported, she can do that herself, nor does she want to take him away half the time, just when it is good for both of them.

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                    • #40
                      Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                      Though this is something permissable, he should tell his 1st wife, even if she feels she wont like it, because she will most likely find out eventually and when she does she will feel betrayed twice over.

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                      • #41
                        Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                        quick question whilst your on about polygamy and islam,
                        polygamy is technically illegal in the uk, so as a muslim can you even practice polygamy?
                        because surely you would be going against the law of the land, right?

                        as in, you cant get married more than once at one time can you
                        Last edited by Simply_Logical; 20-11-11, 12:25 AM.

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                        • #42
                          Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                          Don't see how telling lies on top of lies. Where did you go? How are you spending your time? Where is the money going and what are you spending it on? Answering these questions with lies. Then you tell these type of lies... I am just going to work late tonight. I cannot be home for this so-and-so reason.

                          Entire life is built around lying. The entire life is a lie, and you cannot even respect anyone by telling them the truth.

                          Does not seem like an honorable life to me. Hiding in shadows, life built on lies. Fearing the light of truth.
                          Last edited by Mich; 20-11-11, 12:28 AM.

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                          • #43
                            Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                            Originally posted by abu_fulan_fulan View Post
                            Though this is something permissable, he should tell his 1st wife, even if she feels she wont like it, because she will most likely find out eventually and when she does she will feel betrayed twice over.
                            It also shows a lack of respect and trust as he feels she is not worthy of being told. If he's not willing to give his wife that, he shouldn't expect her to trust and respect him either, because it naturally goes or at least diminishes.
                            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZVEydn3RKk

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                            • #44
                              Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                              The husband is not obliged to inform his first/other wife. But we live in such messed up times that it is better to inform her of your plans so that she is mentally and emotionally prepared.
                              حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَ نِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Re: Secret 2nd wives and double lives

                                Originally posted by Simply_Logical View Post
                                quick question whilst your on about polygamy and islam,
                                polygamy is technically illegal in the uk, so as a muslim can you even practice polygamy?
                                because surely you would be going against the law of the land, right?

                                as in, you cant get married more than once at one time can you
                                who told you Muslims must follow the law of the land? This is a Jewish and Christian concept not an Islamic one.

                                As Muslims we follow a covenant of security whilst living in darul kufr, which means as long as our deen, lives, wealth etc is respected then so is their's. It means in practice we are very law abiding, but we are not doing it for that reason, we are following the shariah rulings on living amongst the kuffar and this has nothing to do with polygamy, inheritance and many other issues.

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